CHAPTER 11
BEN
Holly: Made it home safe and sound. Sleep tight, Benny.
She texted me at 3:14 a.m. I’d wanted to stay awake long enough to talk to her when she got off work, but past midnight is a no-go zone for me. My body doesn’t function right without enough sleep.
I hope Holly’s busy schedule still gives her time for enough rest. She was probably exhausted when she texted me last night, likely lying in bed when she typed out the message.
And, now, I’m imagining Holly in a bed. More specifically, my bed. Cuddled under the covers next to me. Smiling up at me with her head resting on my pillow. I’d want to do dirty things with her, but I’d hold back. Instead, I’d pull her in close to me and tell her to take a nap. Only after I made sure she was fully rested would I start to kiss her. Trailing my lips over her slim neck, finding out what noises she made when she was aroused.
Now, I’m sporting a partial.
I push the fantasy out of my mind as I get dressed. Time to focus on reality and how I can win over the real Holly.
When I walk downstairs, Jasper is passed out on the living room couch. He didn’t even get around to taking his shoes off before he fell asleep. Seeing him there, totally relaxed as he snores, all my annoyance from last night rushes to the surface.
I creep close, circling around to the back of the sofa, and lean in until I’m right next to his ear. “YOU AWAKE?”
Without waiting for his reaction, I duck behind the couch. Jasper has been known to wake up swinging after a night of binge-drinking.
“Arg!”
The couch shakes, and then a thump vibrates the floor.
Standing up, I realize Jasper rolled off the couch. He clutches his head and moans pitifully.
“You’re a vision this lovely morning.” That comment gets thrown over my shoulder as I move into the kitchen, sights set on the teakettle.
“And you’re a fuckface!” He struggles to drag his sorry ass off the ground. After a try or two, he succeeds and then stumbles after me. “What the hell is wrong with you? Why didn’t you let me sleep?”
He pulls out a bag of bagels and pops one in the toaster oven, not even bothering to separate the halves first. Then, he pours a full glass of OJ and scowls at me over the rim as he chugs half the contents. I return his glare.
“Guess I wasn’t feeling too charitable to the dick who was trying to hit on Holly—aka the girl who’s giving me her kidney.”
Jasper rolls his eyes, which only heats me up more. “I wasn’t hitting on Holly. I was saving her from your manipulative ex while simultaneously doing some recon for you. Douche.”
“Oh, really? Recon? What, you wanted to tell me exactly how her ass felt? Maybe what she tasted like?”
The teapot whistles as steam pours from its spout, a perfect reflection for the boiling emotions spilling out of me.
“You’re fucking oblivious.” He grabs a stick of butter from the fridge while shaking his head at me.
“Oblivious to what?”
He raises his eyebrows like it’s obvious, and I can’t keep from growling, “I know you fuck guys. But there’s an equal amount of girls who do the walk of shame out of your room.” The teapot swings in my hand as I gesture, risking covering both of us in boiling water.
“Not about me, dumbass.” The toaster dings, and he removes the hot bread with his bare hand, cursing all the while.
Jasper is always a bear right after waking up, his talk littered with expletives. I take weird satisfaction in knowing that Holly would hate it. Even if she spent the night with him, she’d want to run out first thing in the morning.
Unaware of my thoughts, Jasper keeps lecturing. “If you’d watched us talk for even a minute, you’d have seen that she had zero interest in me. And, yeah, maybe, the first few days of class, I thought about trying to hook up with her. But, the second I found out she was your donor, I didn’t even consider it again. Kinda sucks that you thought I would,” he explains all this while slathering butter on the outside of his bagel, like some weirdo who’s never eaten one before in his life.
As I pour my hot water into a mug, I let his words simmer in my brain.
Slowly, my anger cools, replaced with remorse.
Jasper won’t meet my eyes as he takes a bite of his bagel, but at least he doesn’t storm out of the kitchen.
“I’m an idiot. It’s just …” The chaos in my brain doesn’t translate well into words, so it spills out in a frustrated sigh.
“She’s not easy. To read, that is.” Jasper chuckles, and my lips twitch involuntarily at his stupid joke. “At least, not for you. You’re too blinded by your dick.”
“No, I’m not,” I grumble, fidgeting with my tea bag. Then, reluctantly, I ask, “What do you mean?”
Before answering, Jasper refills his glass and grabs another bagel, not even bothering to toast this one. He waves for me to follow him back to the couch, which he collapses on with a groan.
I choose to lean on the doorframe, too jittery to sit down.
If he chews any slower, I’m going to snatch his bagel away, holding it hostage until he tells me why I’m blind.
After swallowing another chug of orange juice, Jasper starts explaining, “She’s into you.”
“She told you that?”
Like we’re back in high school, I’m about to demand an exact play-by-play of their conversation, but my roommate shakes his head.
“Not exactly. But I can tell. It’s more in the things she didn’t say. You’ve just gotta trust me.”
When he’s saying exactly what I want to hear, I don’t need much convincing.
“Okay. Will do.” My phone is out, a text open, and I’m brainstorming exactly how I want to ask her out. That is, until Jasper leans over and snatches it out of my hand. “What the fuck, dude?” Only the steaming cup of tea I’m holding keeps me from lunging after him.
“I’m not done. Put your dick back in your pants.”
“My dick isn’t out of my pants.” My muttered comeback is lame, and I know it.
“Listen to me. Before you ruin everything.” He glares at me until I nod, holding up my free hand in surrender. “So, yeah, she’s interested in you. But she doesn’t want to be.”
Well, fuck me. Stab a guy in the gut, why don’t you?
I’ve tried not to let on how different I’ve been feeling these past few years, but it’s not like I can hide all the physical effects. I used to be in great shape. Like run a marathon, climb a mountain, swim a few miles in the ocean shape. But I’ve lost muscle and weight, now a reduced version of myself. Early on, I started to smell bad because of the fluids not being properly filtered through my kidneys. Thank the universe the odor went away once I began dialysis, but that came with its own body-image issues. Now, there’s my fistula, an ugly, twisting bulge on my forearm where I have to hook myself up to the machine.
So, yeah, I’m not going to win any modeling contracts. But I’ve been hoping that, since Holly only knows what I’m like now, she might still find me attractive. She doesn’t have the past version of me to compare this sickened form to.
Guess I was wrong.
“Okay. I get it. I won’t make a move.” I turn to leave.
“Fucking. Dumb. Ass.” When I glance back at Jasper, he’s glaring at me again. “It’s not because she thinks there’s something wrong with you. It’s because of the exchange. She’s probably worried, if anything happens between you two, that it won’t work out. And then what happens with the kidneys? Does her brother still get one?”
“That’s crazy. Fred wouldn’t back out of the exchange.”
That earns me a scoff. “You kidding? Your cousin would do anything you asked him to. He worships the ground you shit on.” He shrugs. “Besides, she hinted that it’d happened before.” He holds up his hand when I open my mouth. “I don’t know the details. You’d have to ask her. But, if she’s been screwed in the past, then she’s probably being cautious. And having sex with the guy you’re giving your kidney to is not exactly recommended.” Then, he hits me with his evil grin. “Of course, if she’s going to be inside you, it’s only fair you get to be inside her.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
Jasper just laughs, causing him to choke on his next bite of bagel, which in turn has me snorting. Then, we’re both chuckling, and the tension eases out of the room.
“So, what’re you saying? What should I do?”
I don’t know why I expect Jasper to have the answers. He’s not really Mr. Relationship. But he has this way about him where he seems to see everything that’s going on.
“Play the long game. Show her you’re reliable. Earn her trust. Be a friend. Then, maybe she won’t be afraid to date you. But, if you try going all in right now, she’s gonna bolt. And the only thing you’re going to get from her is a kidney. No pussy.”
I shake my head. “One minute, you’re relationship Mr. Miyagi, and then you go and ruin it.”
My roommate leans his head back on the couch, eyes closed, wicked smile on his mouth. “Gotta keep you guessing.”
I mull over what he said.
Go slow with Holly.
I can do that. I don’t want to; I’d rather pull her into my bed where we can spend the whole day exploring each other with our hands first and then our mouths. But, according to Jasper, Holly isn’t ready for that kind of invitation. And I want more than just sex. I want all of Holly, including her friendship. So, I’ll just start with that and keep my hands to myself.
Snores fill the room. I let Jasper sleep this time. Carefully, I slip my phone out of his slack hand before heading back to the kitchen to make breakfast. And I decide that a good friend would text Holly back.
Ben: Glad u made it home safe. Have dialysis @ 2 today. Stop by if ur not too tired.
There, that’s perfectly friendly.
I can do this. I can be just friends with Holly.
And, if I repeat that enough times, I might start believing it.
The responsible thing would have been to go to the library, claim a table, and settle in for a serious study session. But I promised Pops I’d spend time on Saturdays doing something fun. Ben fits that category.
Not that I’m planning on doing him.
We can do fun things together. With our clothes on. Because we’re friends.
I get off a city bus two blocks from the house, stomach light and fluttery from excitement. The air is crisp, even colder than last night when Ben dropped me off at work. I didn’t experience the chill at all when he was shouting about how beautiful I was.
Working after that was easy. And lucrative. I don’t think it was just my skimpy dress, though there were some comments from regulars. What had people coming back to me repeatedly was the silly grin I wore all night.
“Is something wrong?” my boss, Curt, asked when he saw me.
Often, I don’t see him till closing time, but he was making a round on the floor when I got behind the bar. I couldn’t stop smiling, even with his confusing question.
“What? No.” I shrugged. “I’m just happy, I guess.”
A noncommittal grunt emerged from his bearded face, and he turned and moved through the crowd, which quickly parted for him.
Curt is intimidating that way. He’s got intense facial hair, paired with over six feet of height and extensive tattoos creeping down his arms and up his neck. I’m pretty sure he’s only in his mid-thirties, yet somehow, he gives off the air of being much older. But, when you get past his brooding exterior, the guy is a sweetheart.
I made a note to ask him where he got his ink done, so I could see if Ben had heard of the place. I felt a wash of contentment, knowing that, if Ben ever got a chance to meet Curt, the two of them would actually have something to talk about.
I check my watch, happy to see the time is one fifty p.m.
When I woke up a couple of hours ago and saw Ben’s text, I made sure to check the bus schedule, so I could get here before he plugged in.
The doorbell ring has barely faded when the front door swings open, revealing a delicious view of a smiling Ben.
I mean, a normal, not-sexy view of my completely platonic friend Ben. I totally don’t admire how good he looks while barefoot with his black sweatpants hanging low on his hips and a red thermal that fits a bit loose on him. And it would be silly for me to step forward and wrap my arms around his waist in order to smell him. So, I don’t.
“You gonna stand outside all day?”
Shoot. I’m staring.
“Um … no. Just a bit longer.” I take a deep breath and peer up at the sky. Then, I focus back on an amused Ben. “Okay, I’m good.”
When I step past him, he shakes his head.
“I knew it.”
Crap. Did he realize I was ogling him? I’m such an obvious ogler.
Still, I try to keep the guilt out of my voice. “You knew what?”
He leans in close to my ear, brushing the scent of mint against my nose. “You’re weird.”
Ben leans back and grins at me, showing off a set of pearly whites. I’m like a Southern woman experiencing a fit of the vapors, needing to fan myself before the sight of his mischievous expression has me fainting.
“Holly! You’re here!” Mrs. Gerhard saves me, appearing at the top of the stairs.
She waves for us to follow her into the kitchen, and I chase after her, Ben’s presence a solid weight at my back. A laptop sits on the kitchen island where she must’ve been working before I arrived. Mrs. Gerhard grips my shoulders, and I get the sense it’s her version of a hug.
“Good to know Ben hasn’t scared you away yet.”
“I’m not sure Ben could be scary if he tried.”
I shoot him an exaggerated, disappointed look, and he returns with a mock scowl.
“You kidding me? I’m terrifying.” He makes his hands into claws and tries a snarly face that just ends up adorable. “Don’t wake the beast, Holly.”
I snort and then notice Mrs. Gerhard glancing between us with an unreadable expression.
“You two want anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty?”
“You mind making us a pot of that new tea I got?” Ben releases his pose and gestures at one of the cabinets.
I’m about to tell her not to worry about it, but then I catch a glimpse of Mrs. Gerhard’s face.
The light in her eyes and excited smile make it clear that she is overjoyed at the notion of making us tea. I wonder how often Ben actually asks her for something.
When I lived with Marcus, any chance I got to make his life easier, I jumped on. Every time we went in for his treatments, I could sense the discomfort rolling off him in waves, and there was nothing I could do about it.
What must that be like for a mother?
“Tea would be fantastic.”
“Good, good. You two go ahead, and I’ll put the water on.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Ben gestures for me to lead the way, and I get a strange sense of comfort from the fact that I know where I’m going.
Before I’ve gone too far up the stairs, I remember something and stop to turn back around. However, my abrupt halt results in Ben running into my back and having to catch me before I topple forward on the steps.
“What’s up?” His arm remains wrapped around my waist even though I’ve regained my balance.
I turn in his hold to face him but also so that I can head back downstairs. Standing a step up from Ben, I find myself in the convenient position of being exactly eye-level with him.
All I see is green. Dark green bordering on hazel but not quite there. The green of a dense forest with a canopy that sunlight has trouble penetrating. A place you go to for a sense of calm and stillness, so you can get lost and finally hear your own thoughts without the thunder of others around you. A green you can wrap yourself in and feel safe. A sturdy, reliable green.
The clang of a metal pot settling on a stovetop makes me flinch, and I realize I haven’t answered Ben’s question. And, what’s more, he’s simply standing still and letting me stare into his eyes, like the weirdo he’s claimed I am. I shake my head and beat back my lady urges with a Fred Flintstone–sized club.
“Almost forgot my chair.”
Ben still holds on to me and stops me as I move to step past him.
“Don’t worry about it. There’s one up there for you already.”
A quick glance to the dining room table reveals a complete set, but when I look back at Ben, he just gestures with his chin for me to continue up the stairs. Then, his eyes drop to my mouth, and I’m tempted to bite my lip.
Not good. Time to move.
Only when I turn back around does he let his arm fall.
When I enter the room, my feet stutter to a halt. The machine and Ben’s recliner have been shifted out of the middle, and there’s a smaller yet still sinfully comfy-looking lounge chair beside his seat. It’s angled so that the sitter can see the TV screen but also face Ben.
“That’s your chair.” Ben walks by me to pat the new furniture’s armrest before taking his seat.
I want to ask him why there’s suddenly a second seat in this room when there wasn’t one before, but I’m afraid I’d like the answer too much.
Best not to question it.
As I go to take my place, I notice a small paper bag nestled on the seat.
“This yours?” I hold it up, about to hand it to him, when he shakes his head while wearing a half-smile.
“For you. Open it.”
When I do, I gasp. “Seriously? When’d you get this? You didn’t even know for sure I was coming over!” I pull out a lovely, buttery, flaky almond croissant.
Ben just shrugs like this wonderful pastry isn’t a big deal. “I hoped you would but figured I could find someone to eat it if you didn’t show up.”
I don’t know what to do, so I just settle into my new cushy chair and take a bite of the soft bread.
“Here, put this on. And look away until I tell you it’s clear.”
I slip the rest of the croissant back into its bag and then take the proffered medical mask. The fabric fully covers my mouth and nose with the elastic bands circling my ears. This brings me back to all those times I went with Marcus for his treatments. Need to make sure our faces are covered before inserting the needles. Those gosh darn needles.
Shame fills my stomach when I turn my back on Ben. There’s no doubt in my mind that it’s the best choice for me if I want to avoid triggering a panic attack. I just hope he realizes that I’m the one who’s messed up. Not him.
“We’re good.”
I unwind to sit, facing him, grateful for the gauze he’s placed over his arm yet again. I’m such a wimp.
“Tea’s ready.” Ben’s mom appears in the doorway with a small porcelain pot and two mugs, which she sets on the table that rests between our lounge chairs. “You two need anything else?”
“We’re good, Mom. Thanks.”
With a smile and a wave, she leaves us alone.
When I first met her in that doctor’s office, I saw her as methodical and a bit desperate, which was understandable, given her son’s situation. Now, in her home, I’m getting to see a caring side of Victoria Gerhard, which is disarming. It’s a new experience, receiving a glimpse of a devoted mother. Instead of letting resentment darken my reaction to her kindness, I decide to enjoy her nurturing while I can.
“So, movie or book?” I reach into my bag to tear off another piece of the feathery, sweet bread and pop it into my mouth after throwing out my question.
“Definitely book. I’ll read first while you eat. We can switch when you’re done.”
As Ben flips through the pages to reach the point we last left off at, I pour us some tea. I’m sending out a silent prayer that it’s not chamomile. Not that I don’t like chamomile, but that’ll send me straight to sleep, which is kind of rude when you’re attempting to entertain someone.
The simple earth-colored mug warms my hands as I lift it to my nose. The subtle scents of green tea and jasmine tease my senses.
Ben bought my favorite tea to go along with my favorite food. I don’t know what inspired him to get all this for me and then to have this soft sofa chair placed here. The idea of someone spending money on me has never been at the top of my list for picking out friends. But he gets major points for remembering exactly what I like.
“You ready?” Ben is wearing his glasses today. That, paired with the thick book in his lap, makes him resemble a sexy professor.
Big brains are high on my attractiveness list. This guy won’t stop hitting my buttons.
Best to just push past it like I’ve been doing even if I have to struggle harder each time.
“Read on.”