Chapter 23. Reed #2
“Hell no. I was terrified. But I was scared of a lot back then—scared to move across the country, or to have my mom remarry. I wasn’t ready to let go of the family we had.
I was suffocating, missing my father—” My voice cracks, and I take a steadying breath.
“Suddenly I was expected to start this whole new life without him in an unfamiliar place. It was a lot.” There’s so much I still need to tell Tessa about my dad, but naming my part in his death makes it realer somehow.
What happens when she discovers who I really am?
“Reed.” She reaches for my hand.
“But you,” I whisper, letting our fingers slowly dance over one another. “You never let your fear stop you from trying something. You throw your full self into everything. You’re the bravest, smartest, most incredible person I’ve ever met.”
“I’m scared all the time,” she confesses. “I have anxiety and panic attacks. I was terrified I’d never get out of this town. That if I didn’t keep striving, pushing, winning, I’d be sucked into a life I didn’t want, spinning in circles instead of following my dreams.”
“And what were those dreams?” Even after all the ways I’ve gotten to know her tonight, I’m still hungry for more.
“It feels silly to share, since they’re obviously not happening.” She’s so quiet, the wind almost whips her voice off into the night. Almost.
“I want to know.” I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and kiss her gently. “Tell me and we’ll imagine it together, the life you would have had.”
“All right, but no kissing, or you’ll distract me.”
“Ha. Fine.” I roll onto my back again. “I’m being very well-behaved and staring at the stars.”
She lets out a soft chuckle. “Okay. How do I begin?”
While she thinks, I gaze at the night sky aglitter in starlight, feeling the hard shingles under me, the pull of the earth.
It’s a world that’s both here and not here, touchable yet inaccessible, a tantalizing present that can’t be opened.
We can play in this world, but it’s no longer meant for us.
Not anymore. There was a path in front of me, a future I’d been dreaming of that’s all but vanished now.
But maybe, for this one moment, we can breathe it into existence, together, even if it’s only in our minds.
“So, you know how I was into vintage fashion and how I loved to sew.”
“Yes.” I play along, keeping my gaze fixed on the stars.
“Part of it was financial—I couldn’t afford a wardrobe otherwise—but a bigger part was my commitment to upcycling. I could see a space in the market for a company I wanted to launch, one that could have made a huge environmental impact on the fast-fashion industry.”
“Really?” my head snaps to her, intrigued. I had no idea Tessa wanted to launch her own start-up.
“Uh-uh. Look up.” She points above. “I don’t think I can do this if you’re staring at me.”
“Okay. Focusing.” I very pointedly look away, a smile hovering on my lips.
“So there are lots of fast fashion companies that churn out clothes every season, and sometimes they overbuy. When those items don’t sell, that’s called dead stock.
I wanted to purchase that clothing cheap before it ended up in a landfill.
Then I’d repurpose it, either through design or by studying chemistry to break the fabric down into other products.
I guess my company would’ve been fueled by science, creativity, and my marketing genius.
I really think I could have pulled it off, too. ”
A bittersweet longing courses through me for all we could have done, for the lives we’ll never lead. “Tessa, if anyone could have pulled that off, it’s you. I actually didn’t know we had the environmentalism thing in common.”
“We do?” She turns to me, skin kissed by moonlight. She’s never been more beautiful. “Weren’t you planning to go into finance like your stepfather? I always assumed that’s where you were headed, being groomed to take over his company one day.”
I can’t think of anything I’d want to do less. I make a fake retching noise.
She gives me a poke. “Okay then, mystery boy. Spill.”
“Nah.” I laugh. “Not before you look away.” I point to the sky.
“Fine.” She looks up. “Tell me, what was the great Reed Walker going to do with his life?”
I take a deep breath. Why am I so nervous? I want her to know me better. So … let her. “Well, you know I got into Harvard.”
She snorts. “I believe you mentioned it a few times.”
“God, I was pretty obnoxious about that, wasn’t I?”
“Your word, not mine.”
Heat spreads up my neck. “All right, well, one more mention.”
She waits patiently. Thank God, she’s giving me space, keeping her eyes on the sky.
“I was thrilled to be accepted because for ages I’d wanted to study computer science and robotics at their School of Engineering and Applied Sciences.
See there’s this professor there, Dr. Gupta, who I really wanted to work with.
His research is around harnessing technology to combat some of the world’s greatest climate challenges.
Right now, there’s this incredible carbon capture technology in development that can filter CO2 out of the air.
And robotics will be in the middle of all of it.
I’m not saying this solves climate change, but the possibilities to do some real good are immense. ”
“Reed, you are full of surprises. You are so not the guy I thought you were.”
“How so?” I turn to her at last.
“We both wanted to save the world.” She sighs.
“We wanted to do our part, anyway.”
“And now we’re lucky if we can save one girl.”
“Not just any girl,” I remind her.
“No. An amazing girl. Still, it’s … sad.”
We’re silent for a long time after that.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch the vanishing tail of a shooting star.
“You know, if we had to give it all up, then at least let it be for a good reason.” My mind drifts to Tilly lying in her hospital bed, to Carl dropping off those flowers.
“I wish there were some way to communicate with the living. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to leave a note of warning behind.
Burn those flowers. Whatever you do, don’t take a drink from Carl. ”
“It’s funny, but there was this strange moment when I walked through him.
” Tessa sits up, drawing her knees to her chest. “I was so overwhelmed by his awful memories, and I remember thinking I can’t stand it anymore, and then, I swear I heard him mumble something similar after, but I was shaking on the ground at that point, and it was hard to process. ”
I jolt forward. “I’m pretty sure he said, I can’t—and then he was shaking, too. Why didn’t you mention this before?”
“It came back to me now, when you were talking about communicating with them.”
“Because, Tessa, something similar happened to me, too, back at the precinct. I remember being overwhelmed and thinking Make it stop and then that woman, that cop, I’m pretty sure she repeated it … or something like it. I dismissed it at the time, but now, you have me wondering.”
“Whoa. I think she did. This …” She shakes her head. “This is huge.”
“This could be the game-changer we’ve been searching for. What if it’s a two-way communication channel and we haven’t realized its potential before?”
Her legs start bouncing with excitement. “Maybe it’s not just us getting flooded with their memories—maybe we can do our own flooding in return and send our thoughts and ideas back to them.”
“And … if we can communicate with him, that means we can mess with him.” I grab her hand, the wheels spinning in my mind, a plan forming. “We’ve been going about this all wrong. We’re ghosts, right?”
“Right …” she says slowly, unsure where I’m going with this.
“So … let’s get haunting.”