Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
JO
Fifteen minutes later, I’ve hugged Hannah and Hallie for five straight minutes and smothered Caitlin and Jack with kisses, and now I’m planted on the couch with a sister on either side of me and a baby in each arm. It’s good to be home.
“God, I can’t believe how much they’ve changed. I’ve only been gone for, like, five weeks.”
“I don’t think they’re all that’s changed in the last five weeks.” Hannah gives me a sly grin, and Hallie misses nothing.
“Uh, what the fuck was that?” Hallie asks, gaze bouncing from me to Hannah.
I stay quiet, not exactly sure what to say, knowing Hannah will fill Hallie in. Per usual, Hannah does not disappoint. “Nothing, just that I’m like ninety-eight percent sure I interrupted our baby sister about fifteen seconds away from kissing one of your husband’s very best friends in the front seat of his car just now.”
“Jordan?” Hallie practically shrieks, startling both babies. I toss her a dirty look and bounce them a little to settle them back down.
“Well, it wasn’t the happily married best friend,” I say dryly.
“So, I did see what I thought I saw.” Hannah’s smile is almost comically satisfied, as if it wasn’t so extremely obvious what was about to go down in that car before she interrupted.
I shrug as best I can with a twelve-pound baby in each arm. “You did.”
“Are you guys, like, together?” Hallie’s brow is scrunched up, and she’s studying me like the answer to her question is written on my face.
“Definitely not.” I ignore the little glow I get at the word together , as if it’s something my body knows it wants even though my brain hasn’t caught up all the way yet.
“Whatever was going on in that front seat didn’t look like definitely not . It looked more like, on the verge of diving straight in.”
I sigh, leaning back against the couch. “Honestly? I don’t know what the fuck it was. A moment of pure insanity maybe. We were talking, and it just kind of happened. It was like my brain shut down and decided that hormones were leading the show.”
“Has this happened before?” Hallie gives me a concerned look, and I don’t know if it’s concern for me or concern because of whatever she thinks Jordan is or isn’t right now, but either way, my sisters are my safe place, and I think if I don’t unload some of this angst, my brain might just melt down.
Happiness is my default setting. I’m not built for angst.
“Okay, so the thing is, I’ve kind of been downplaying my friendship with Jordan.”
“In what way?” Hannah asks, plucking Jack out of my arm and tucking him into hers.
“In every way imaginable,” I mumble, grabbing a Fireball from my pocket and unwrapping it. I don’t really want it, but I suddenly need something to do with my hands.
I look up at Hallie when she lays a hand over mine. “You know you can tell us anything right? If you talk to us, it might help you clear up whatever it is that’s going on in your head.”
I nod, glancing down at our joined hands and then back up at Hallie. “I’ll tell you everything, but this stays between us. No telling Ben. If Jordan wants Ben to know, he can tell him.”
“Absolutely,” she says seriously.
“Wait, what? I assumed you would be all, I don’t keep secrets from my husband who I am madly, wildly in love with .”
Hallie shrugs, taking a sip from the giant water tumbler on the table beside her. “I am both of those things, but you’re my sister, Jo Jo. That’s important too. If you want something to be just between us, then it’s just between us.”
I lean my head on Hallie’s shoulder, grateful for that little reminder that, no matter what, the three of us have each other. “I’m all confused,” I start, figuring I might as well just dive in. “Jordan and I have been hanging out a lot in New York, and when I say a lot, I mean literally anytime I’m not at work and he’s not at the hospital a lot.”
“How much exactly is that?” Hannah asks, bouncing Jack a little when he stirs. “I know you’ve been working a lot, and I’m sure his hospital hours are crazy.”
I blow out a breath. “Almost every day. Sometimes we meet for an early breakfast before I go to the museum if he’s working nights, or we meet for dinner if he’s working days. We went on an all-night scavenger hunt through the city and watched the sunrise from Battery Park and spent a Sunday at Coney Island. We’ve explored Central Park and gone to Serendipity like tourists and eaten from food trucks and had movie night. We have a regular bagel store and a favorite place for Chinese takeout and inside jokes and I named this summer the J’s Summer of Fun and now he calls it that too, and I think…” I break off, biting the inside of my cheek as I gather my thoughts. “Aside from you guys, I think he’s my best friend.”
“But you want it to be more than that?” Hannah wraps her free arm around my shoulder, and her words hold no judgment. Only curiosity and understanding.
“I honestly don’t know. He’s been through so much since Allie died, and I understand him. Even though I’ve never lost anyone the way he has, something in me just gets him, and I don’t mean to, like, toot my own horn or anything, but he’s lighter since we’ve been hanging out. He smiles more. He seems happier. He’s even laughed a time or two. He opens up to me, and I get the sense that he hasn’t really opened up to anyone in the last two years.”
“He hasn’t,” Hallie confirms. “Ben talks about it a lot. All the guys do. Jordan hasn’t told them much of anything. Not about how he’s feeling or even what he does every day in New York. Their conversations live on the surface.”
I think about everything Jordan’s told me about how his friends keep expecting him to be the person he was before Allie died and consider the fine line I’m walking here. I want to tell my sisters about me, but I also want to keep Jordan’s secrets safe. “That must be hard for Ben and Jeremy. All of them, really.”
She nods. “It is, but they also understand. They’re brothers, in every way that matters. They know Jordan had to deal with Allie’s death in whatever way felt right to him. They’ll be there when Jordan is ready to come back to them. But Jo, I think they would just be glad to know that Jordan is talking to someone, and that he’s not alone.”
“He’s not alone,” I confirm. “He’s…important to me. I would never let him be alone.”
“So that more Hannah was asking about?”
“I like him,” I say simply. “I like him in a butterflies in my stomach, think about him all the time, smile when he texts or calls, can’t wait to see him when we’re apart kind of way. But in the six weeks I’ve been living in New York, his friendship has also become the most important thing in my life, after you guys and these babies. I don’t know if it’s worth it to risk that.”
Hannah smiles, squeezing my shoulder. “I’m pretty sure I’ve written that book, and Hallie literally lived it.” Hannah worked in Human Resources for a couple of years after college before she decided to try writing a romance novel very loosely based on Hallie and Ben’s friends to lovers love story. It blew up massively and now she writes full time.
“True, but my life isn’t a book, and no one is Hallie and Ben. What you guys have doesn’t exist anywhere else.”
“False, Jo. I know it exists because I’ve seen it in my friends. Julie, Emma, and Molly all have their wild, once in a lifetime loves too. It doesn’t look like mine, because every story is different, but they are all big and important, and none of them came without a little bit of risk and a leap of faith. And I think Hannah is on her way to her love story too,” Hallie says, referring to Hannah’s boyfriend, Brett.
I look over, expecting Hannah to sigh happily or get the dreamy look in her eyes she usually does when someone brings up Brett, but instead, her face shutters completely, and she stares down at her hands. “You okay, Han?” I nudge her, concern for her overtaking every other thought in my brain. When I glance over at Hallie, I see the same concern all over her face.
Hannah’s head snaps up. “I’m fine. Just got a story idea. It’s nothing.”
I study her, almost positive it’s not nothing. But I also know that Hannah is a lot more private than I am, and pressing her to talk when she’s not ready never works. “Okay. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
“Of course, I do. But this isn’t about me. We were talking about you and whether you want to cross the friendship Rubicon into more.” She smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Let me ask you something,” Hallie says, no doubt seeing the same thing I am, and I know we’ll both be keeping an extra eye on Hannah. “You’ve told us a lot about what you’ve done for Jordan, and I think he’s lucky to have you as a friend. But what about what he’s done for you? I know he still has grief he’s working through, and I would imagine that has a way of taking over. I just want to make sure that you don’t lose yourself in helping him through that. You’re important too, Jo Jo.”
I smile and adjust a still sleeping Caitlin in my arm. “Being friends with him makes me feel the most like myself I ever have. Making friends has always been hard for me because I’ve always felt like I had to make myself smaller. To be less of everything. Less wild, less spontaneous, less colorful, quieter. You guys are the only ones who have never made me feel like that, until Jordan.” I take a deep breath to try and shove down the unexpected emotion that burns behind my eyes. “Jordan makes me feel seen. He listens to me when I talk, and he goes along with all my crazy ideas and is interested in the things that are important to me. I can be a lot, and he makes me feel like that’s a good thing. Like it’s okay to be exactly who I am.”
“But?” Hannah asks.
I turn to her. “But what?”
She shrugs. “It seems like there’s a but somewhere in there, and not in the fun way.”
I snort out a laugh. “You are twelve years old. But you’re also not wrong. There are so many buts, and none of them are fun. He might not be ready. Two years isn’t that long to grieve the person you were going to spend your life with. What if it fucks up our friendship? And also, there’s the little detail of, I live here. In two months, I’m leaving New York and he’s staying. That doesn’t exactly bode well for starting any kind of relationship.”
“Look,” Hallie starts. “I have to admit, my first instinct would be to say of course he’s not ready. But after listening to you, I think you see a different Jordan than the rest of us do, and I think the one you see may just be who he is now. If something starts between you guys, you have to trust him that he’s ready for it. No one can make that decision except for him, so take his lead. If he’s ready, you’ll know. And as for everything else? I’m like the poster child for taking a leap even though you’re afraid it might detonate your friendship. If I hadn’t taken the leap, I would have had to live my whole life without the kind of love I have now. Without this home we’ve built together and without these babies. Sometimes you take the leap because living without seeing what’s on the other side is unacceptable. And geography is just details. You can figure anything out.”
I take a deep breath, staring at Hallie. “Jesus, Hal, that was some A+ oldest sistering.”
She grins at me. “I know. But seriously, Jo, you deserve every single good thing in the world. I only want the best things for you, and I support literally anything that makes you happy.”
“Me too!”
“She says, with extreme middle sister energy,” I say, grinning at Hannah, who elbows me in the ribs.
“Ow, fuck,” I complain, rubbing at my side. “You should really be more careful when I’m holding a baby.”
Hannah just shrugs and smiles, unbothered and extremely not sorry.
“A baby who needs to eat,” Hallie says, standing up from the couch, expertly taking a baby into each arm. “How about I feed them and put them down and then we order way too many tacos? Ben’s at the bar with the guys until who knows when, so it’s just us. Girls’ night?”
“Absolutely yes,” Hannah says, pulling out her phone. “I’ll order the tacos, and you do the babies.”
“What about me?”
Hannah gives me another smile. “I assumed you would want more baby time. Go be with Hallie while she feeds them and help get them down for the night. I’ll take care of everything else.”
I lean over and wrap my sister in a hug, so happy to be here with them. “Thanks, Han. Love you.”
“Love you back, Jo Jo. I’m really glad you’re home.”
* * *
Hours later, I’ve eaten way too many tacos, watched a rom-com double feature with candy popcorn, laughed so hard with my sisters my sides ached, and now I’m laying in bed in Hallie’s guest room. We opted for a sleepover, so Hannah is sound asleep next to me, but I’m whirling with energy. I’m trying to force myself to go to sleep when my phone buzzes. When I see Jordan’s name, my stomach does a long, slow roll.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m in trouble.
Jordan
[picture of a plate of chicken fingers]
The chicken fingers at Ben and Jeremy’s bar used to be my favorite, but I think your food truck ruined me. Every chicken finger is now inferior.
Me
Listen, I told you they were the best.
Jordan
When you’re right, you’re right. How was girls’ night? Did you kiss all the babies?
Me
I kissed them so many times I think their first words were almost “get the fuck away from me.” Worth it though. I missed them. Then I ate like thirty tacos, and we did a rom-com double feature with candy popcorn.
Jordan
I’m not sure how I feel about you doing movie night with candy popcorn with someone who isn’t me.
Me
Sorry, J. Movie nights with candy popcorn have been an Evans sister tradition since long before you and I were summer besties.
Jordan
Just besties.
Me
Huh?
Jordan
Not summer besties. All the time besties.
Me
I will banish the term summer besties from my vocabulary.
Jordan
Damn right you will.
Me
How are you doing? How was today? I didn’t want to text earlier and interrupt you, but you should know I’ve been thinking about you.
Jordan
You can always text me. You could never be an interruption.
Jordan
It turns out it did feel really good to be there. And to be here with my friends.
Me
SAY IT.
Jordan
Say what?
Me
Say, “Jo, you were right.”
Jordan
That’s evergreen. You’re always right.
Me
I know. And as my prize, you’re going with me to Midsummer Night Swing at Lincoln Center as soon as we get back to New York.
Jordan
I’m afraid to ask what that is.
Me
Think outdoors at Lincoln Center. Live bands. Swing dancing.
Jordan
Would me saying no have any effect at all?
Me
What do you think?
Jordan
I think I’ll be swing dancing at Lincoln Center.
Me
Get your dancing shoes ready, J.
Jordan
I’ll shine them all up.
Goodnight, Hurricane.
Me
Goodnight, J.
I set my phone down on the nightstand, a grin spreading across my face. Lying here in the dark, I decide that no matter what does or doesn’t happen between Jordan and me, I win. Because even though the idea of potential boyfriend Jordan has butterflies swarming my stomach, best friend Jordan is the best person I’ve ever known, and if that’s all we’ll ever have, it’s still the best thing ever.
Rolling over in bed, I close my eyes but know there’s no use. I’m way too energized. There’s somewhere I’ve been thinking about going, and I figure there’s no time like the present. I toss off the covers and get up, pulling a sweatshirt over the oversized T-shirt and shorts I’m wearing as pajamas. I grab Hannah’s car keys off the nightstand and quietly, so I don’t wake anyone up, I slip downstairs and outside into the sultry summer night.