Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
JO
“No,” I say firmly. I press my lips together, willing myself not to laugh at the sad puppy dog look on Jordan’s face.
Jordan pushes the remains of our breakfast to the side and slides closer to me on the gazebo bench, picking up one of my hands and lacing our fingers together. “So, I’m what? Supposed to just say goodbye to you today on the sidewalk outside your apartment and watch Ben drive you away? I hate that, Jo.”
Goodbye. Today.
I hate that combination of words. It’s my last morning in New York, and we’re having one last breakfast at our gazebo by the lake in Central Park. Ben drove in last night to pick me up since I had too much stuff to fly with, and I’m meeting him back at my apartment in an hour. Ever since I made this plan a week ago, Jordan has been lobbying hard to be the one to drive me back to Pittsburgh, and it’s not that I don’t want to spend the extra time with him. I do. I want as much time with him as I can get. All the time. Forever, even. But I don’t think my heart can take the extended goodbye.
I’m hanging on by a thread as it is.
I stand from the bench and sit back down in his lap. He immediately wraps his arms around me and leans his forehead against mine.
“This feels impossible,” he whispers.
I swallow down the tears that want to rise and lean back to look at him. “For me too, J. The last thing I want is to be apart from you. I don’t even want to sit on the other end of this bench. But I’m not the only one with someone waiting for me today.”
Jordan’s new job doesn’t start for a while, but he’s leaving New York today too. Elliot took the train in to help him pack up his apartment and keep him company on the drive to Boston. I’m grateful for it. I wish it could be me, but if it’s not, at least he has one of his brothers.
Jordan shakes his head. “Elliot can wait. He’s fine in my apartment. I don’t even need to be in Boston for another two weeks. I just don’t want to be in New York without you. The city feels like our place now. Like somewhere we need to be together.”
I smile despite the twist of dread in my stomach at the thought of saying goodbye. “This is our place. This has been the best summer of my life.”
Jordan leans in and kisses me, long and slow, as the summer morning sun filters through the gazebo. “Mine too, Hurricane. I wish…” He breaks off, swallowing hard. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
I see the emotions swirling in his eyes, and I hear the words he isn’t saying.
I wish I was ready to take the next step.
I wish I could say the words.
I wish I could ask you to come with me.
If he told me he loved me right now and asked me to come with him to Boston, I would march home and tell Ben to go back to Pittsburgh without me. I would take the opportunity Monica told me about. I would move to Boston without a second thought.
Hopefully one day, I’ll do all those things. But not today.
Not until he’s ready. I’m trusting that he’ll tell me when he is.
Boston is where he needs to be, and when it’s time, I want to be wherever he is.
I kiss him on the cheek and cup his face in my hands. “Me too, but it’s not forever, J. We’ll make it work. It’s Pittsburgh to Boston, not the moon. Planes fly to Boston, and cars drive to Pittsburgh. We’ll call and video and do all the things.”
He wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my neck. “You always smell like cupcakes. I can’t smell you through the phone.”
I smile into his hair. “I’ll buy you a cupcake scented candle and a lifetime supply of Fireballs. It’ll be like I’m there even though I’m not there.”
Jordan’s arms tighten around me. “I’m going to miss you so fucking much. I miss you already, and you’re sitting right here.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I’m trying my best to hold it together, for him and for me, but I’m losing my grip a little. This is why I couldn’t let him be the one to drive me back. There’s no way I’d be able to stop myself from grabbing onto his leg and begging him to never leave me.
Doing the right thing fucking sucks.
“Okay.” I sit up straight so I can look at him. “We need a reframe. I’m a bright side sort of girl, so let’s bright side this shit.”
Jordan gives me a wry smile. “I’m fucking crazy about you, Jo Jo.”
I lean forward and smack a kiss to his cheek. “I’m crazy about you too. That’s why this is all going to be fine. See? Bright side.”
He nods gamely. “Okay, what else you got?”
I look him dead in the eye. “Phone sex. With video. And toys.”
His face breaks out into a full-blown grin. “Hot damn, now you’re talking.”
I point at him. “Your turn.”
He seems to consider for a second before answering me. “More daily Dippy pictures.”
Now it’s my turn to grin. “I knew it. You love our dinosaur.”
Jordan runs his knuckles over my cheek. “I love making you happy. The pictures make you happy.”
“Gah, when did you turn into such a softie?”
He shrugs and runs a hand through his hair. “When I kissed you under the fireworks and you made me feel everything.”
“Holy fuck,” I mumble. “I’m obsessed with you.”
“Right back at you, Hurricane. So, bright side me some more.”
In what is now a habit, I push Jordan’s hair back from his face and lay a hand on his cheek. “Surprise mail. I freaking love surprises and I love getting mail that’s not, like, the postcard I filled out myself at the dentist’s office telling me it’s time for my six-month cleaning that I always reschedule a thousand times before I finally go.”
Jordan gives me a sly smile. “I already know what I’m sending you.”
I give him one right back. “I bet it’s not as good as what I’m planning on sending you.”
He leans in and kisses the spot behind my ear that makes me shiver. “It’s definitely not. You always win at the present game.”
“I’m so glad you recognize my gift-giving genius. And speaking of which.” I lean over and rummage through my bag, coming up with a bag of candy I hand to Jordan.
He studies it before looking back at me, confused. “Why are you giving me a bag of jellybeans?”
“Not just jelly beans. Toasted marshmallow jelly beans.”
He raises an eyebrow at me. “Okay, I’ll bite. Why are you giving me a bag of toasted marshmallow jelly beans?”
I give him a duh look. “Because it’s National Toasted Marshmallow Day, of course. The Central Park police would probably arrest us for lighting a fire to toast actual marshmallows, so this is the next best thing.”
“I love your brain,” he says, opening the bag and tossing a couple jellybeans in his mouth. He chews for a second and then makes a face. “Even if your brain had the idea to give me the most disgusting jelly beans on the planet.”
I look at him incredulously. “You have to be joking. Toasted marshmallow jelly beans are, objectively, the best jelly beans in the world.”
“Hurricane, they so completely are not.”
I put a hand on my chest and gasp dramatically. “Is this our first fight? Mere minutes before we’re separated by hundreds of miles, left to pine away for each other with nothing but fuck hot phone sex, surprises in the mail, and pictures of a scarf-wearing plastic dinosaur to comfort us until we can be together again?”
Jordan barks out a laugh and wraps his arms around me, raining kisses over my face and neck and everywhere he can reach. “Jo Jo, you are my favorite human in the world.”
With a smile, I press my lips to his. “You are my favorite human in the galaxy.”
When he grins at me, humor playing in his eyes, it warms me more than the August sun, and it makes me feel like, no matter what, we’re going to be okay.
* * *
“That’s everything.” Ben sticks my last bag in the car and slams his trunk shut. He turns to Jordan and me, his gaze bouncing between us like he’s unsure of his next move. Jordan decides for him, letting go of my hand and wrapping Ben in a hug.
There are no bro slaps on the back for these two. This is a real hug between two people whose friendship has been through some things but who will never, ever be anything except for brothers.
“Thank you for everything,” Jordan says to Ben when they break apart. “I know I haven’t always acted like it, but I couldn’t have gotten through the last two years without you. Jeremy, Asher, and Gabe too.”
Ben rubs a hand over his jaw, and I see on his face the kind of relief that comes with letting go of the worry I know he’s felt over Jordan since Allie died. With knowing that Jordan is okay. “You’re my best fucking friend, Jordan. Today, tomorrow, next month, next year. Always. That didn’t change when you moved here, and it won’t change when you’re in Boston, no matter what happens in either of our lives. We’re family. I’m just happy you’re happy.”
Jordan glances back at me, eyes swirling with a depth of emotion that makes my breath catch and my stomach swoop. When he answers Ben, his eyes stay locked on mine. “I am. I’m really, really happy.” He turns back to Ben. “Now get in the car so I can say goodbye to my girl.”
Ben grins at both of us. “Your girl, huh?”
Jordan smiles back. “My girl,” he says again with conviction.
“I’m so happy for both of you,” Ben says as he rounds the car, sliding into the driver’s seat, smile still on his face.
Jordan turns to me, sliding his hands around my neck and running his thumbs over my jaw. “I don’t know how to say goodbye to you,” he says, voice ragged.
I close my eyes and will back my tears, but one slips out anyway. Jordan wipes it away with the pad of his thumb.
“I can’t say goodbye to you,” I whisper. “It feels all wrong, so let’s not use that word. Kiss me, J, and tell me you’ll see me soon.”
“Halloween?” he says with a small smile. He asked me to come to Boston for Thanksgiving, but I told him that felt too far away and said I was coming for Halloween first.
I lean forward, resting my forehead on his chest, and he wraps his arms around me. “It’s the best holiday.”
“You’re not going to plan a couples costume, are you?”
I lift my head and scoff. “It’s like you don’t know me at all. Of course, I’m planning a couple’s costume.”
Jordan’s lips turn up in a smile before he leans down and covers my mouth with his, hands coming up to frame my face. He tips my jaw up to take the kiss deeper, sliding his tongue into my mouth to dance with mine, tasting me like it’s the last time he’ll ever get to do it. The kiss goes on for what feels like forever, and we say with our mouths all the things we can’t say in words.
“My girl,” Jordan whispers again when we finally break apart, his thumb grazing my jaw in a caress I know I’ll feel on my face the entire drive home. His eyes cataloguing my face, like he’s trying to memorize it for the weeks ahead.
My shoulders ache with the effort of holding myself together when every part of me wants to crumble at the idea of being apart for who knows how long, but I won’t. I can’t. Not yet.
“My guy,” I whisper back, kissing both his cheeks and then rising on my tiptoes to press a kiss to his forehead. “It’s time, J.”
Jordan nods, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. “See you soon, Hurricane,” he says quietly into my ear.
“See you soon, J.”
He kisses the side of my head and lets me go, reaching around me to open the passenger door. I kiss his cheek one last time and slide in, letting him close the door behind me. He steps back from the car, his eyes never leaving mine as Ben starts the engine and gives Jordan a wave before pulling away.
I glance into the rearview mirror, tears flooding my eyes as I see Jordan standing there, his eyes still on the car as we drive down the block. I last until we turn the corner, Jordan disappearing from sight, before I let the tears fall.
Ben reaches over to take my hand, and I grip it like a lifeline.
“So, you love Jordan, huh?”
I let out a watery laugh, leaning my head back against the seat. “Whatever gave you that idea?”
He squeezes my hand. “He loves you too, Jo. I could see it all over him.”
I sigh, swiping my hands under my eyes. “I know he does.”
I know it with more confidence than I’ve ever known anything. And I hope, once he gets settled into his new life, that he’ll be ready to say the words, and then our new life can start.
Together.