31
THE AFTERMATH
I got myself home, brushed my teeth and spent a good hour in the shower scrubbing myself clean, trying to get rid of the dirty mark that was now imprinted on me. The Victim.
I cried, letting the water wash it down the drain. It was only now I realised that I hadn’t dealt with it at all, and neither did the company; I trusted them.
Nate did try to call a couple times but I let the calls go to voicemail. I didn’t want to talk about this again, I didn’t want to rehash the details or worse, for him to give me a look of pity. What if he saw me as just a victim now? What if this would change the way he saw me or his feelings for me? I am tarnished.
I changed into the comfiest clothes I owned; an oversized sports hoodie and my yoga pants. I closed all the curtains, blocking the sunlight from entering and brightening my day. I wanted darkness, I wanted to fade into it.
I grabbed my best friend from the freezer; Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough. I needed something to soothe the aching in my throat, to fill the empty pit of my stomach and ice cream was comfort. I wrapped myself in the blanket on the sofa and ate my feelings, alone in the dark room, hidden away from the world. And in the aftermath of emotions, it now dawned on me, I had lost my fucking job too.
More tears fell as I scooped the ice cream into my mouth, sobbing at the same time as eating. What was I going to do? I hadn’t planned this far ahead.
A feeling of overwhelm consumed me. The fear only added to the already high levels of anxiety, it was now completely out of control and spiralling. My brain pulls me into hundreds of thoughts and scenarios on top of the chaos that was already present.
I wasn’t sure how long I had stayed like this; it could have been hours. I was pulled out of my trance by a light knock on the door. I really hoped it was Ivy. I just wanted my best friend. I missed her so much and I couldn’t stand being apart anymore. I hated the lies and secrets. I felt so lost that I wasn’t sure what to do. Ivy had always been the ray of sunshine, the voice of reason. But she wouldn’t have known about the case unless Nate told her; then he would have had to confess everything and I don’t think he did. Another knock, I pushed the blanket off me, popped the empty ice cream container on the table and answered the door.
Nate greeted me, standing on the other side of the door, my eyes lit up as I saw him. He looked a mess, with a pizza box in his hand. His hair was all over the place, his blazer a little crinkled and his knuckles… Bloody.
I don’t know what the fuck had happened but I just needed him to hold me. My eyes watered and my lip trembled, within seconds I broke. Falling to my knees in front of him and crying uncontrollably yet again; God knows how many times I had this afternoon alone.
He leaned over, placing the pizza box on the cabinet by the door and crouched down to pick me up off the ground. I locked my arms around his neck and cried into his chest as he got me to my feet, before backing me into the apartment away from nosy neighbours and closed the world out again. He flicked the light on so he could see, and he just held me in his arms letting me cry it out. A hand pushing my head to him, running down the length of my hair as it sat messy, not even dried from the shower or straightened.
As soon as I was calm, I looked up at him. He wiped away my tears and planted a soft kiss on my forehead, followed by a dozen more.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. I could feel he wanted to cry but he held it together. “I'm so sorry,” he repeated, kissing my forehead again, his voice cracking just a fraction but I could tell he was holding himself together.
“It’s okay,” I managed to get out, even if it was just above a whisper. I pulled back and looked up at him. I wanted to know what he was thinking, how he was feeling. “I wanted to tell you.”
“I know, baby. And I know you couldn’t. This is why you didn’t want me to take the case, isn't it?” Realisation hit him as he looked into my eyes. I bit my lip nervously and nodded. He looked away, sighing, and I could tell he was angry, not with me but with himself. For taking the case and representing a criminal who had hurt the woman he loved.
“Nate it’s okay, you didn’t know,” I reassured him. I took his hands in mine and that’s when my mind remembered his bloody appearance. “What happened?” I asked, looking at his knuckles, concerned. His eyes snapped back to mine, he didn’t say a word.
“You didn’t!” I shouted, when I finally figured it out. He had beaten the shit out of Cato, that’s why he went with his client.
“I can’t disclose what happened. As much as I love you, it's better you do not know, but Mr Cato had an ‘accident’. That’s the story.” I knew this wasn’t the truth but had to trust him on this.
“Nate, you could lose your job! What were you thinking?” I was surprised, as I ran to the sink to grab a wet cloth and clean his wounds, alongside the dried blood smudges.
“I wasn’t thinking, Gi. I can't believe he did that to you. I wanted to kill him for ever touching you, he admitted what he did in every… detail,” Nate gritted through his teeth.
My eyes looked up at him, alarmed. I didn't want him to know the details. He looked disturbed.
“He told me what he wanted to do to you and I fucking lost it, Gi.” The anger radiated off him as I cleaned the blood off his hands.
I nodded; I don’t condone violence but the fact that he had done this for me, it meant everything. Nate’s hands balled into fists like he was remembering everything that was said. I needed to distract him before he darted out the door to finish the job he started.
“You brought dinner?” I asked, nodding at the pizza box on the counter. He nodded.
“I figured you hadn’t eaten much and everything you have has probably come back out.” He guessed correctly, as embarrassing as it was, I had to agree.
He grabbed the box and nodded to the sofa where he sat, and opened it up for me. He had ordered a pepperoni with added pineapple as he knew how much I loved pineapple on pizza, despite Nate hating it and complaining every time we ordered. He removed the pineapple off his and placed it on mine. We took small bites and ate in silence. Not knowing what to say but the silence was comfortable and needed.
I didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t need to. Mr Cato had told Nate everything word for word which made it easier not having to repeat but it scared me not knowing what was going on in Nate’s mind.
I reached out and took his hand in mine, I snuggled myself up to him on the sofa after we had eaten. I fiddled nervously with the strings of my hoodie in my fingers. I listened to Nate’s breathing which had calmed, he wrapped his arms around me tightly and I wanted to cry again but I pushed through the emotion.
“Gi, can I ask you something?” Nate finally spoke up. I looked up to him, not moving from his chest. He looked deep in thought, troubled. “If I wasn’t representing him, would you have told me?” I pushed myself up to face him. Would I have told him? ‘I don’t know’ is the honest answer, maybe? Eventually?
“It’s not that easy,” I answered, pulling the sleeves over my hands.
“So, is that… a no?” Nate asked, taking me by surprise.
“It's an ‘I don’t know’ Nate. I haven’t told anyone, not even my parents. I never thought it would come up again.” I tried to be as honest as I could. He swallowed and looked away now, clearly pissed.
“What about if we get married, have a family, you wouldn’t tell your husband something like this? Even if you promised no lies or secrets?” he asked.
“What? Where is this coming from?” I asked, confused and trying to solve the riddle Nate was laying out in front of me.
“I just wish you could trust me enough to tell me. Can you?”
I could now feel his anxiety entering the room, like he was planning every scenario in his mind, just like I do when I spiral. He stared at me, and I honestly didn’t know how to answer this. Could I trust him? Of course, I could with my life. But given the situation, that he had to represent this client and win the case for a shot at a promotion? No.
But I also knew that he loved me enough not to hurt me, so maybe I could have trusted him. He told his boss about our relationship at the risk of losing the job. Honestly, I hadn’t thought about it, would I have told him? Maybe, if it had come up. But more than likely I wouldn’t have.
It wasn’t personal. it was more that I’d tried to bury it and in a sick way, forget it. I couldn’t give him an answer.
“I don’t have the answer Nate. I’m sorry,” I shrugged softly, removing my eyes from him. I felt the cushion beside me reinflate as he got up from his seat.
“Okay. That tells me everything I need to know,” he announced, my eyes darting to him grabbing his coat from the coat hook by the door.
“Where are you going?” I asked him.
“Home,” he stated.
“Nate!” I called after him. He hesitated reaching for the door handle, he sighed.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” He twisted the door handle and left my apartment, leaving me speechless and trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.
Was he mad at me? Was he punishing himself for not knowing? I couldn’t help but throw questions around. My eyes tearing up as I stared at the door where he disappeared. Another round of uncontrollable crying!
I couldn’t sleep after Nate left; my crying turned into hibernation. I climbed into my bed and pulled the duvet around me and I stared out at the room, cried some more, stared, overthought and it repeated over and over again.
Nate did text me a goodnight message like he always did; even if we argued, that was one thing he promised. That was hours ago, the minutes took forever to pass. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, not after the trial or seeing Mr Cato and now Nate.
I grabbed myself a second shower, a full body scrub down exactly like earlier, washing away everything that I could so much that my skin was now a little red, either from the boiling water or the exfoliating mitt. I changed into another fresh set of clothes and grabbed my car keys. If I couldn’t sleep, I’d drive around the city, see it at night. London was still alive in some places at night and maybe a drive through would make me feel alive too. I would drive until I was tired or when the sun started to rise, whichever came first.
Eventually I ended up at Nate’s. I looked up at the building and parked across the road in the visitor’s spaces where he had registered my number plate with his building so I didn’t get any fines. I wasn’t sure what I was thinking or feeling. I know Nate said he would call tomorrow and I didn’t know why my body had brought me here. Maybe after the way Nate left I needed answers or I just didn’t want to fight, I wanted comfort. I made my way up to the familiar penthouse, I fiddled until I found his key on my keys and placed it gently in the lock.
A low light greeted me from the living room. His figure outlined as he sat in the armchair overlooking the night sky with a glass of whiskey in his hand. I closed the door quietly behind me and tiptoed over to him. He had fallen asleep. Careful not to wake him, I gently removed the whiskey from his hand. I failed as my movement made him stir a little.
“Gi?” he asked in a husky, sleepy voice.
“I couldn't sleep,” I whispered softly. “I didn't know where to go.” My voice broke a little as emotions started to rise. His eyes opened wide, as if he was shocked, confirming to himself that I was here in person. He reached for my hand, glancing up at me as he guided me to sit on his lap. He pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me and held me so tight, afraid that if he loosened this grip I would disappear. I moulded my body to him, snuggling into the crook of his neck, to inhale that soothing cologne of his, a brush of whiskey on his breath.
He felt safe. He felt like home.
I pulled back to look at him, allowing the soft city lights to illuminate him, his features. My hand caressed his cheeks, I watched as he gently grabbed my wrist, kissing the palm of my hand and sinking into my touch.
“I’m yours, truly, Gi,” he whispered, closing his eyes and focussing on my touch.
“I know,” I leaned myself into him, planting a slow kiss, lingering for a while, just wanting to feel his lips against mine. I wanted to be connected with him as long as I could. I wanted to breathe him in as if he was my own personal oxygen supply.
I moved back to look at him but he closed the gap, pulling me back for another dose, like I was giving him the oxygen to breathe too. Passion disbursed between us as the kiss deepened.
“Let’s go get some sleep,” he proposed. I lifted myself off him, holding my hand for him to grab as he led me to the bed. We snuggled into his king-size bed, covers wrapped around us, bodies close, gentle kisses as he drew circled on my back, until I fell asleep. I always slept better in his arms. And he knew it.