Chapter 12
F or several days Yvonne pondered and wrote in a journal and pondered some more.
When Shane popped into her room and asked, “Hey, how are you doing, and how are you feeling about possibly going back to work?”
She smiled at him. “Well, unbeknownst to you, I have been working.” And she lifted up her journal.
“Ah, that’s the work that you need to do as well,” he agreed. “I was wondering more about the physical.”
“If you say I’m ready, then I’m ready to give rehab a shot.”
“As long as you listen to your body,” he reminded her. “No going too strong, too hard, or trying to improve on things that can’t be improved on right now,” he stated. “You have to stop, if and when it gets to be too much.”
“Right. And I guess I wasn’t very good at that before, was I?”
“It doesn’t matter what you were or you weren’t before,” he stated, with a look in her direction, “because you are who you are now. Remember that, and it’s all good.”
She stopped and stared at him. “What did you just say?”
He frowned at her. “I’m saying that you can’t always look behind you. You have to look in front of you. The person you were five years ago is not the person you are today. So whatever the person you used to be doesn’t apply today. Therefore, don’t be carrying those kinds of thoughts forward because they don’t apply anymore. If it was still you from back then, sure, I would tell you to ease back and to remember that you have to listen to your body and do all the rest of that stuff, but you’re not that person.”
He smiled gently. “Even so, will I tell you the same thing? Sure, for some areas, but with a completely different attitude, knowing that you already know your body’s been through a mess. You are well aware that your body needs to catch a break right now. So, as soon as it’s painful, you’ll tell me that. I’m trusting that you’ll do that because I see the person you are today.”
He smacked the doorframe gently and asked, “Twenty minutes and down to PT?” When she gave a dazed nod, he smiled. “Good. See you then.” And he left.
She was absolutely flabbergasted by the insights everybody in this place provided, which was astronomical. Only as she wheeled her way toward Shane’s big therapy center did she wonder whether she had missed it all last time or hadn’t been quite there mentally, or been ready, or whatever the deal was for taking in all these lessons. She should have picked up some of them the last time and yet didn’t. All that wisdom and life experience had just passed her by.
When she rejoined Shane, she began, “What you just said back there.”
“ Uh-huh ,” he muttered, staring down at his computer monitor. “What about it?”
“Was I completely oblivious last time?” she asked.
He looked at her and then shrugged. “Oblivious, no. Were you directed in a completely different way? Yes. Were you dedicated, driven to be somebody? Absolutely.”
“Was that wrong?”
“No, don’t even think that way,” he stated, with a smile. “Yet it’s obvious you’re a very different person today.”
“I can’t argue that,” she conceded. “I feel very different.”
“After the surgery, how do you feel?”
“Almost like I have a new lease on life. That was a gift I didn’t realize I needed.”
“Oh good, because it was, it was a huge gift. And the fact that your body gave that to you and that you came through it with flying colors is also huge,” he said, with a bright smile. “Now I’ll start very easy, and remember what I told you.”
She nodded. “Don’t worry. I have no intention of dealing with pain this time around.”
“Good.” And, with that, they got started.
*
Dennis walked down the hallway toward the end of the day. He was tired but wondering whether Yvonne wanted to have dinner together or already had plans, or just what her thought processes were. He wanted to give her time, but he also didn’t want to give her so much time that it ran away on them. Plus, he found her getting closer to other people. He didn’t really want to hold her back because everybody needed friends, everybody needed somebody on this rehab journey with them. He’d seen it happen time and time again, and he wanted that for her, if she was in a position to accept it for herself.
Something else that would be good would be if they could talk about things, just to let her know that that was potentially something she might want to cultivate. He didn’t know how she felt about those things, and given the chance to talk hadn’t been as abundant as he had hoped. Still, he didn’t want to push any conversations on her that would strain their time together. When he knocked on her door, she gave a very tired answer. Frowning, he poked his head around the door, took one look at her, and said, “Ouch.”
She nodded. “ Ouch is right. I promised I wouldn’t do very much, and I didn’t do very much,” she explained. “I did listen to my body, and I did tell Shane when to stop,” she shared. “Yet I’m sitting here, realizing how little I can do and how far I really have to go to be where I need to be.” When he went to say something, she held up a hand. “No, I’m not complaining. It’s just a fact of life that I do have a long way to go this time. I did last time as well, but it just feels so much bigger now.”
“It probably is, because you’re carrying old injuries along with new injuries. And I’m sorry that reality has to be such a real downer.”
She nodded. “It definitely is a real downer.” She smiled at him. “And why are you here?”
“Because I’m off shift more or less for a little bit, and then it’ll be dinnertime. I wondered how your day had been and whether you wanted to go for dinner tonight.”
“If I go to dinner with you tonight, I have to go later.”
He nodded. “So we have an option of having coffee or an ice cream, something light right now, and then something bigger and more filling later. I might need to eat before the dinner rush though.”
She frowned at that. “I’m not hungry yet. Honestly, my stomach still feels kind of sick from the workout I did with Shane. And, yes, I know.… I didn’t think I overdid it,” she muttered. “Honestly, I really tried hard not to overdo it, but wow.”
He nodded. “Even learning where your body’s capabilities stop and start is huge. This is a whole new journey for you. In your head, it’s probably like this is your second time round, how this is your second rodeo. So, it should be something you already know, and you already can do,” he pointed out. “However, I think your body’s telling you that everything’s different this time.”
“ Everything ,” she agreed, with emphasis, “is different. It’s as if I was sleepwalking last time. I was in some weird zone, where I was just focused on point A, and everything else was secondary.” She shook her head. “I honestly don’t even know what to say about some of it, but it was pretty amazing in many ways and pretty shocking now that I look back on it.”
“And again you can’t just look back on everything,” he murmured.
She smiled and nodded. “Shane said something about that today that was really profound.”
He waited, wondering what insights Shane had come up with.
“He mentioned something about how I can’t look in the rearview mirror or I can’t look behind me all the time. I have to stop and look forward. And he won’t look behind. He won’t even consider the person I was before when it comes to my attitude, my training, the way I react to injuries or to him, to telling him this is too much or this isn’t enough. Because, as he says it, I’m not that person. So he’s treating me like a completely new person who will do what is necessary to get back on her feet, but at a pace that’s comfortable and sensible because that’s what he would want for me. And he’s expecting me to fall in line and to do it that way.”
“And what was your reaction to that?” Dennis asked curiously. Mentally he wanted to go high-five Shane.
“I had this great big, almost earth-shattering awareness that the person I was doesn’t have to be part of who I am today,” she admitted, looking over at him with a smile. “And I know that sounds like a cop-out, and I don’t mean it that way, but I’m still working my way through everything he,… he stirred up. It’s not as if he upset me, so that’s definitely not part of it. It’s just, it comes back to the fact that so many insights into life and character can be found here that sometimes it stuns me when I hear it said out loud. It just hits that spot, and it opens things up in a way that I never understood before.”
“Sounds as if you really needed to hear that from Shane then,” Dennis stated, with a delighted smile.
She stared at him for a long moment. “I really needed to hear that. And I suspect it’ll be a few days before I even understand the ramifications of what he did say.”
“And maybe quite a bit longer,” he said. “When you get one of those big shifts in understanding, I think it’s,…it’s not even something that you really understand the full implications of within those first few days. Sometimes I think it’s potentially weeks to months.”
She nodded slowly. “I think you’re right. And everything, everything , feels different this time around.” She shook her head. “And I,… I would not have believed it if somebody had told me that ahead of time.”
“It’s a good thing nobody did then,” he teased. “And what do you want to do about food? And, if you need to stay here and just contemplate Shane’s words, that’s okay too.”
She smiled at him. “I forgot just how easy to get along with you are. Sometimes it’s almost too easy, and I feel as if I’m taking advantage.”
He stared at her in astonishment. “You’re not taking advantage. I’m happy, happy to be a part of this journey, happy to watch you explore, learn, change, grow,” he shared. “Whatever it is that you need to be doing, I’m happy to be witnessing your growth. As you grow and change, so do I. So does everybody here.… I would like to think it’s a collective consciousness, where one person learns, and another person learns because of that person’s learning. Little bits and pieces of us fly through. For another person to see you succeed might give them the motivation to achieve a little bit of success in their own world,” he murmured.
“I’m not trying to be metaphysical or spiritual or anything else. I just think that, when so many people are on board in a place like this, it’s important that everybody look around and see the progress that everybody else is making and take to heart what they can use for themselves.”
“And you’re right, of course. You’re right.” She laughed. “I don’t think I’ve ever known you guys not to be right.”
“Oh, yes,” he replied, flashing her a grin. “It happens, and it happens a lot, but we do our best.”
She nodded. “So what about that ice cream?”
He laughed out loud. He grabbed her wheelchair, twisted it around, and said, “Your chauffeur, ma’am.”
“You mean, my car or my limousine or my carriage. Hey, I like that better. How about my carriage?”
“Or a pumpkin,” he suggested.
She burst out laughing. “Lord, I do remember that sense of rapport,” she muttered, with a happy sigh. “That sense of laughter and light, that sense of not being judged. I don’t know where that judgment in my own head came from,” she noted, shaking her head. “It seems so wrong now.”
“And yet, back then maybe it wasn’t wrong. Maybe it’s what you needed. Maybe going this pathway, however convoluted it may seem to you right now,” he suggested, “maybe it’s the right pathway for you.”
“I certainly think that sometimes we aren’t privy to what’s right and wrong because we get to make decisions. So we get to make things right or wrong in our heads. Sometimes we get a chance to redo something so that it’s better or it’s more aligned with who we are now, and that would fit me too,” she admitted, as she slowly made her way into the wheelchair, sagging into the seat with relief. “It’s such a relief to have a wheelchair and to not have to push it myself. What is it about needing to be nurtured?”
“I think it’s acknowledging that this is a low spot physically for you in life, and that you need help, and, while you’re here, lots of people will help you,” he declared. “So, take advantage of that, make it something that’s yours, and do it knowing it won’t be forever.”
He wheeled her out of her room and down to the kitchen. “Now, we talked about ice cream. Do you need solid food first?”
She shook her head. “No, I definitely think ice cream would be the choice right now, and, if you’ve got a moment, maybe enjoy it with me out on the deck?”
“Sure, I’ve got a few minutes. I can’t stay for too long, but I’ve got a little bit of time.” She nodded. “And, of course, I have to go get the ice cream,” he added. “What flavor do you want?”
“I don’t mind. Bring me whatever.”
And, with a smile, he dashed into the back of the kitchen. She sat here in the middle of the dining room, waiting for him.