CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Zane carefully made his way around people in the foyer as he followed Lee, Rori, and Kelsey to their seats in the sanctuary. Sarah and Ross had come earlier to meet with the pastor, and Zane spotted them standing next to the front row, speaking with Will’s parents, along with a couple of other leaders from the church.
He still wasn’t sure how he felt about everything that had transpired over the past twenty-four hours. Even though he’d known that Sarah was married, he’d wanted to see her, hoping for closure. But the reality was, he didn’t immediately stop having feelings for her.
She was clearly in love with her husband and happy with the direction of her life, and though it hurt to see her that way with someone else, Zane was glad she was thriving. Now if he could only figure out how to thrive in his current life.
When Lee scooted into a row with enough space for them, Zane followed Kelsey into it and sat down beside her, leaning his crutches next to him at the end of the row.
“Hi, Zane.” Looking up, Zane saw a friend of his parents standing in the aisle next to him. He moved to get to his feet, but the man rested his hand on Zane’s shoulder, keeping him in place. “It’s good to see you this morning with your lovely wife.”
The man’s wife gave them both a warm smile. “How are you feeling these days, Zane?”
“I’m hoping to get the cast off soon,” he said, choosing to focus on the injury they could see. “Gareth says my leg is healing very well, so I appreciate your prayers.”
“We’ve definitely been praying fervently for you since we heard about your accident. I know your parents are glad to have you back, though I know the circumstances aren’t ideal.”
“We’ll continue to pray for you both,” the man said. “Keep your head up.”
“Thank you.”
With a last squeeze of his shoulder, the pair moved further down the aisle. Zane appreciated the care and concern of the people who had known him his whole life, but it really didn’t seem like their prayers were being answered when it came to his more serious injury.
Kelsey shifted on the pew beside him, her hands gripping her purse in her lap. Someone had started to play the piano, and announcements were cycling through on the large screens on either side of the stage at the front.
The familiarity of the church and its services was a balm for the turmoil in his spirit. He hadn’t wanted to come that morning, but he’d known that church was precisely the place he needed to be.
It was a bit of a surprise that Kelsey continued to attend church with them, especially considering that she’d said that they’d never gone during their time together. He hadn’t had a conversation about her attending with them now, to see if she had questions, but maybe he needed to.
His head throbbed dully, and he hoped the pills he’d taken before leaving the house would kick in soon. If the pain got any worse, he’d have a hard time focusing.
Gareth joined the worship team as they took their places on the platform, while the assistant pastor stepped up to the podium to welcome them. The service quickly got underway, and after all the usual parts, Pastor Kennedy got up and greeted the congregation.
“We have a special presentation this morning,” he said, smiling warmly. “Will contacted me yesterday to see if we’d have room in the service for some friends of the Halverson family to share about their ministry. We are always happy to highlight mission ministries here, and after I spoke to them this morning, I knew this was a timely presentation, with school starting soon. Sarah and Ross, why don’t you join me up here?”
Sarah and Ross stood up, and Zane felt his stomach clench when he saw Ross lay his hand on Sarah’s back as they climbed the stairs to the stage. Pastor Kennedy shook hands with them, then stepped aside so they could take his place behind the podium.
“Thank you for allowing Sarah and I to share with you this morning where the Lord is leading us,” Ross said, an engaging smile lighting up his face. “But first of all, we’d like to give you a little background on us. I was raised as a missionary kid in Malaysia, where my parents were serving as church planters. I returned to Chicago upon graduating from the missionary boarding school to attend college, and it was in Chicago where I met Sarah. I’ll let her tell you a bit about herself.”
“As Ross said, thank you for allowing us to share this morning,” Sarah said with a familiar smile. “Unlike Ross, I was raised here in the States. I grew up in a Christian home just outside of Chicago and ended up moving there for college. Once I graduated, I found a job in a Christian school. During that time, I felt drawn to overseas ministry, but I wasn’t sure what exactly that would look like for me. While teaching at the school, I met Ross, and he was able to assist me in thinking through this calling, and in the process, we fell in love.”
Zane frowned, wondering if she’d already known Ross before she’d broken up with him. From what she’d said, he’d gotten upset because she’d started dating within six months of their breakup. Her knowing Ross already could help explain how she’d moved on so quickly.
“I’m a high school science teacher, while Sarah teaches elementary,” Ross said. “During our time getting to know each other, we realized that we were both seeking to follow the Lord’s leading into overseas ministry. After much prayer as a couple and individually, we felt God was leading us to teach at a missionary boarding school.”
Ross gave some information about the school they hoped to serve at and also the mission they were going with. “We’re now in the process of raising support. It had been our hope to be there in time to start this school year, but the timing hasn’t worked out. In the meantime, we will be teaching at a school in Seattle, where we just recently moved. It is our hope to be in a position to go to our assignment next summer, and we’d sure appreciate your prayers as we plan toward that.”
“We’d love to have you as partners as we minister to missionary children,” Sarah said. “Supporting them as their parents work in their own ministries.”
Pastor Kennedy stepped up to the podium and rested his hand on Ross’s shoulder. “There’s a table set up in the foyer with more information about Sarah and Ross’s ministry. Right now, I’d like to ask our elders to come forward to pray for Sarah and Ross.”
The piano played softly as several people—including Zane’s dad—joined the pastor at the front of the sanctuary. The group gathered around the couple, laying hands on them as Pastor Kennedy prayed for them and their ministry.
As Zane listened to the pastor pray, he mulled over what Sarah had shared and the passion she had for the direction of her life with Ross. It wasn’t a passion they’d ever had for the future they’d talked about.
He hadn’t wanted to accept that anyone but him could have made Sarah happy. However, proof to the contrary was right in front of him. And more than just happy, she looked to be at peace.
Once the prayer was over, Sarah and Ross shook hands with the people who had prayed with them, then took their seats in the front row. Pastor Kennedy returned to his spot at the podium.
“Sarah and Ross being here to share about their ministry and the journey they’ve been on as they move toward where God is leading them, is timely. As you heard, their plan was to originally be at their assignment for the start of this school year, but that isn’t how things have worked out for them. That does not mean, however, that this is not God’s plan for them. It just means that His timing is different than what they might have thought it would be.
“I’m sure we’ve all experienced things not working out in varying degrees throughout our lives. Proverbs sixteen verse nine says a man’s heart plans his way, but theLorddirects his steps. There is nothing wrong with making plans, even if we’re not entirely sure they’re what God would want for us. The important thing is to hold onto them loosely. Make your plan, but then be open to God moving you in a different direction or at a different speed.”
Getting in a car accident and losing his memory had definitely not been his plan for his life. If it was God’s plan, it sure didn’t make much sense. Was God wanting to move him in a new direction?
Zane didn’t know what had led him to marry Kelsey and make the move to Tampa, beyond it being the best move for his career. But given what Kelsey had said about his lack of faith, Zane doubted that he’d sought God’s guidance regarding the move.
Conviction settled heavily in his heart. He didn’t know if it had been God’s will that he marry Kelsey. But the fact of the matter was… they were married. It was time he fully accepted that and do what he could to make the marriage work. Whether he loved Kelsey or not was irrelevant.
Please, God, direct my steps. I can’t do this on my own. Take away my feelings for Sarah, and give me love for Kelsey. Help me make this work.
As Pastor Kennedy shared other Bible stories of people who had made plans, and then had them redirected by God, Zane realized he needed to completely rethink the direction of his life. For a long time, his career had been his focus. Being the best that he could be. Going for the dream of owning his own restaurant.
But it was all for naught now. He’d lost the experience and training he’d gained in the past few years, and he was no better than a chef barely out of culinary school. It was humbling, and one of the reasons he’d resisted cooking much so far.
Maybe there wasn’t a way to have a ministry as a chef, but he could have a ministry in other areas of his life. Was he willing to sacrifice his big dreams for the plan God might have for him?
Right then, he felt like he didn’t have a choice. His dream was farther out of reach than it had ever been, and he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to get it back.
“If we want to have peace and joy in our lives, trusting God and obeying His direction is the best way to achieve that.” Pastor Kennedy paused, then said, “I want you to take these verses with you this morning, and if you’ve memorized them, please say them with me. Proverbs three, verses five and six. Trust in theLordwith all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. ”
Zane murmured the words along with others in the congregation, finding it interesting that the verse that had come to his mind a few days earlier was being brought to his attention again.
Pastor Kennedy closed his Bible and smiled out at the congregation. “Trust in God, seek His will, and glorify Him in all you do.”
Rather than the whole worship team getting up as Pastor Kennedy stepped back, just the song leader took his place at the podium as the piano played. It was a familiar hymn that tied right into the sermon.
When we walk with the Lord, In the light of His Word, What a glo-ry He sheds on our way! While we do His good will, He abides with us still, And with all who will trust and ob-ey.
Trust and ob-ey, For there’s no oth-er way To be hap-py in Je-sus, But to trust and ob-ey.
Not a bur-den we bear, Not a sor-row we share, But our toil He doth rich-ly re-pay; Not a grief or a loss, Not a frown or a cross, But is blessed if we trust and obey.
But we ne-ver can prove The de-lights of His love Until all on the al-tar we lay; For the fa-vor He shows, For the joy He be-stows, Are for them who will trust and ob-ey.
Then in fel-low-ship sweet We will sit at His feet. Or we’ll walk by His side in the way. What He says we will do, Where He sends we will go; Never fear, on-ly trust and ob-ey.
The words resonated deeply with Zane, and reinforced within him the need to turn his focus from inward to upward.
He should have been able to come to this point sooner. He shouldn’t have needed Sarah to come and give him closure. To shut the door on what they’d once had.
Now that he’d opened his heart to what he knew was right and was considering what God would want, the guilt of so many things weighed heavily on Zane.
When the service ended, Zane grabbed his crutches and got to his feet. He waited for a break in the people heading up the aisle, then maneuvered his way out of the row, moving back so that Kelsey and the others could exit. He was slow moving, so he always brought up the rear.
In the foyer, his parents found them, and his mom gave everyone hugs, even Kelsey. Zane could see that surprised her, and honestly, he was a bit surprised himself. Perhaps his mom was warming up to Kelsey. Or at least she was trying to treat her better than she had initially.
“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” his mom asked him. “I was so glad to hear that your scan showed that everything is healing well.”
“Yes. The doctor was pleased with the results.” Zane wished his brain felt like everything was doing well. The headaches were a pain. Literally.
“Nothing on the memory front?”
It was the question he hated the most those days. Like he wouldn’t make a huge announcement on the family group chat if he started to recall things…
“Nope. No memories coming back.”
“We’ll continue to pray.”
Zane had no idea when he was supposed to accept that this was just how things were going to be. When should he give up the hope that his memory would be restored? He doubted that anyone could give him a definite answer on that.
But he was coming to realize that he couldn’t put his life—and Kelsey’s life—on hold indefinitely. Once he was physically healed and no longer dealing with a leg cast, he was going to have to make some decisions.
He wasn’t sure yet what direction he would choose in his career. It was a big decision, and it made his head ache if he thought too much about it.
“It was lovely to hear Sarah and her husband share,” his mom said. “I’m glad Pastor Kennedy could fit them in.”
Zane glanced over to where Sarah and Ross had set up their table. Several people stood there with them, so it was apparent that their presentation had resonated with some who’d heard it. He told himself that he was happy for them. And he was… mostly.
Turning to Kelsey as his parents spoke to Lee and Rori, Zane kept his voice low as he said, “Are you ready to go?”
She glanced around with a frown. “You don’t want to wait for the others?”
“Not unless you do.”
She hesitated a moment, but then shook her head. “We can go.”
Shifting around to face Lee, Zane said, “We’re headed out.”
“You’re leaving already?” his mom asked, her brow furrowed.
“Yes. I’m tired and have a bit of a headache.”
His mom moved closer and gave him a hug. “Well, go get some rest.”
“We’ll be home shortly,” Lee said. “We’re not doing a barbecue for lunch since we had everyone over last night. Just leftovers.”
“Sounds good. See you at home.”
As he and Kelsey made their way to the doors of the church, he nodded at the people who greeted him, but he didn’t stop to talk to anyone.
“I’ll go get the car,” Kelsey said.
“You don’t have to do that,” Zane told her. “I’ll walk with you if you don’t mind a slower pace.”
“No. That’s fine.”
Neither of them spoke as they walked to where Kelsey had parked earlier. Zane wondered what Kelsey was thinking. She was hard to read.
Without remembering the dynamics of their relationship, Zane had no idea if she had been a person to share her thoughts readily. Or had they been close enough that he could read her moods easily?
Her silence right then didn’t seem to indicate that she was upset or angry. More like she was keeping her thoughts and emotions under tight wrap. And if that was the case, he couldn’t exactly blame her.
“Has it been difficult?” Kelsey asked as they left the church parking lot.
Zane looked at her, wondering if she thought his brain injury had left him with the ability to read minds. There was so much that question could apply to in his life at the moment. “Has what been difficult?”
Kelsey kept her gaze forward, gripping the steering wheel with both hands. “Seeing Sarah again. With her husband.”
The question didn’t surprise Zane, but he wasn’t sure how to answer it. The emotions he had surrounding Sarah were so complex and messy.
“Are you super hungry?”
“What?” She glanced at him, a question in her blue-green eyes. “Not really.”
“Pull in up here for a second,” Zane said, motioning to the diner that was just ahead. As she parked, he angled himself to reach his wallet in his back pocket. He pulled out his debit card and handed it to her. “Would you mind going in and ordering a frozen lemonade and a large fries for me? And get whatever you want as well. On me. I would recommend the lemonade and fries.”
She stared at the card, then reached out and took it from him. “Okay. I’ll be right back.”
Zane watched as she walked to the entrance of the diner and disappeared inside. While he waited for her to come back, he sent a text to Lee.
Kelsey and I won’t be around for lunch. See you a bit later.
Lee sent back a thumbs up without requiring any further information, though Zane was sure that Rori was pestering him with questions. Zane appreciated that about Lee. Though he might ask questions later, right in the moment, he didn’t demand to know what was going on.
A few minutes later, Kelsey reappeared with a drink tray in one hand and a large paper bag in the other. He leaned across the console to open her door, and she bent over to hand him the drink tray and the bag. After she’d settled back in her seat, she held out the debit card.
“Do you mind if we go to the park?”
“Uh. Sure.” She pulled out of the parking spot and turned in the direction of the park. “What part of the park did you want to go?”
“Anywhere with an available picnic table in the shade.”
Kelsey nodded but remained silent until they were driving through the park. “How about that spot?”
Zane looked at where she was pointing. “That looks perfect.”
After she’d parked the car, she got out, then took the drink tray and food bag from Zane, waiting until he was out with his crutches before walking with him across the grass to the picnic table. As they walked, Zane tried to get his thoughts in order for what he wanted to say to her.
Once at the picnic table, Kelsey set everything down, then sat down opposite Zane. While he worked the drinks free from the tray, she lifted out two covered containers and handed one to him.
Zane took a sip of his drink, appreciating the perfect blend of sweet and tart that they always seemed to get just right at the diner. “Did you decide on the frozen lemonade, too?”
Kelsey nodded. “It seemed like a good option on a day like today.”
“Do I know your food preferences well?” he asked.
“Yes. You quizzed me pretty hard about the foods I liked when we first started dating.”
“Did I encourage you to expand your food preferences?”
A small smile briefly curved the corners of her mouth as she lifted a fry from her container. “Oh yes. Once every couple of weeks, you’d make me a food I’d never had before.”
“And how did that go?”
“I liked a lot of what you made, but not everything,” she said. “There was nothing you could do to make me like okra or asparagus.”
“Not even asparagus wrapped in bacon?”
“Not even.”
Zane felt some of the emotional upheaval from earlier settle. He knew what God would have him do regarding Kelsey, so it was good to find these small things to connect over.
Though he didn’t want to admit it, he was well aware that his attitude and approach to Kelsey going forward would determine how successful he might be in trying to figure his future out. All he could do was pray that God would give him the strength and wisdom that, thus far, he hadn’t wanted.
Zane just hoped that he hadn’t waited until it was too late.