Chapter Thirty-Five
Zeppelin
Iwait for Misty to get inside her house before asking, “Do you want to sit, Bernie?”
“Can I pet Chunky?”
Nodding, I open the door and follow her inside. The moment she steps foot in the living room, both Chunk and Peanut Butter are on her like catnip. Both love up against her, and I’m not convinced they don’t sense how upset she is.
“She lied to me,” Bernie says after sitting on the couch. She lets Chunk curl up on her lap while Peanut Butter rests along her leg on the cushion. “She lied for my whole life.”
“I know,” I say and sit in the recliner.
“How could she do that?”
I remember what Misty told me when I asked that same question about Mama. “I think she would rather you think your dad was forced to stay away from you for work or whatever than know the truth.”
“Didn’t I deserve to know?”
Okay, this is creepy. It’s like finding out about Butch and Mama was in preparation for this exact moment. “What would it have changed?”
She takes a few moments before she looks up with tears in her blue eyes. “I wouldn’t have missed him or loved him. Did you know she sent me cards from him for my birthday?”
Damn, she’s a good mama. A good woman. “I didn’t.”
“Why would she make me think he missed me? He didn’t want me.”
I remember Misty asking me why Ben didn’t want Bernie the day she was the butt of the joke at the salon. It hurt her to know Bernie was missing out on something even though Ben clearly ain’t shit.
“Because that’s what he should have felt. He should have missed you, Bernie. And I think she hoped one day he would, and you could have the dad she always wanted for you.”
Sniffing, she looks down at Chunk purring away, completely content. Fucking asshat. I can’t touch him, but he purrs like this is normal for Bernie.
“Bernie, look at me.” When she does, I give her a small smile. “Your mama did what she thought was best. I know how it feels to learn you’ve been lied to, but weren’t you happier when you thought your dad missed you as much as you did him?”
Nodding, she sighs. “But I would know Mom wasn’t a liar.”
“I know how you feel.”
“How?”
“You know how I was upset when you went to your sleepover? I found out my mama lied to me for my entire life, too.”
Her eyes widen. “You did?”
“I did. After talking to your mama, I know why Mama lied to me now.”
“What did she lie about?”
Uh… how the fuck do I say this to a little girl? “I know you don’t like when I say it’s complicated, but it is. It’s very grown up, and I don’t think you’re old enough to know about it. I actually hope you never have to know about it.”
“Was it bad?”
I nod. “Really bad. My biological dad… He’s a bad man. A really bad man. I had another man in my life I called my dad. He was awesome. He’s gone, and I miss him a lot.”
“Was the lie something bad?”
I nod again. “Worse than what your dad told you. I felt like maybe it would have been better if I wasn’t here. If Mama didn’t want me.”
She sniffles and wipes her eyes. Damn it, I hate seeing this little girl cry. I wish I did kill her dad. Maybe I still can.
“That’s how I feel right now.”
“You listen to me right now, Bernadette Reynolds. You were always meant to be here. You make the world better just by being in it, and I’m a better man for knowing you. Your smile can make my mood better no matter how bad I feel, and your mama would be lost without you.”
“Why doesn’t he want me?”
Standing from the chair, I move Peanut Butter and Chunk, earning me a growl and a hiss in protest, and I pull her into a hug. “I don’t know, kiddo. But it’s his loss.”
“I know I’m different, but he called me defective.”
“You are not defective. He’s the one who is. If he can’t see how awesome you are, there’s something wrong with him. You’re perfect just the way you are, and I wish more people were like you because the world would be a happier place. You’re my sunshine.”
Bernie pulls back and looks up at me. “Like me how?”
“You love life. And you love people. You just want to be friends with everyone, and you don’t have a mean bone in your body.”
“I threw cupcakes at you.”
“And I deserved that,” I say with a laugh. “You’re also worried about your mama right now even though you’re mad, aren’t you? You’re hurt, but you know she’s hurting, too.”
Petting Chunk who jumped back up onto the couch, she nods. “Yeah.”
“She hurts when you hurt, Bernie. Because she’s a good mama. She’d do anything in her power to keep you safe and happy. She never wants you to feel like you shouldn’t be here because you should. We all need you.”
“I suppose.”
Kissing the top of her head, I pray she forgets all about the shit her asshat sperm donor said about her. I want the happy-go-lucky girl back.
“You know why you’re the best?”
“Why?”
I smile at her. “Because you make me want to be a better person simply because I know you. I’m not a good man by most standards, but I want to be good for you and your mama.”
“Daisies.”
Frowning, I tilt my head and search her face. “Huh?”
“Mom’s favorite flowers are daisies. No one has ever given her flowers before. I don’t know if she’ll forgive you, but you can try that.”
Bernie’s helping me? “Does this mean we’re friends again?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I threw cupcakes at you.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you enough to make you.”
“I really wanted you to be Mom’s boyfriend.”
Chuckling, I give her a knowing look. “So you could spend more time with Chunk and Peanut Butter?”
“That, too,” she says and beams. “But I liked you, Zep.”
Liked. Past tense. “But not anymore?”
“We’re friends again, but we’re not best friends. But if you can get Mom to forgive you, we can be.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes because I love your mama. And I love you, too, Bernie. Hearing what your dad said to you made me crazy. I shouldn’t have hit him in front of you, though. No matter how mad he made me, that wasn’t right, and I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t right for her to see it, but I’ll never apologize for breaking that fucker’s face. Hell, if he comes back around, I’ll do it again.
“Like when you kissed the mean girl, and then I threw cupcakes?”
Very different outcomes, but yeah, I suppose she has a point. “Something like that.”
The doorbell rings, and I know it’s Misty. I’m surprised she lasted this long.
“That’s your mama. I’ll go let her in,” I say, getting up and walking to the door.
“How is she?” Misty asks when I open the door.
She’s crying, and I hate this. I hate all of this.
“Mom,” Bernie says, running over and hugging her, much to the cats’ dismay. “It’s okay, Mom.”
“Oh, Bernie, I’m sorry,” she says, wrapping her arms tightly around her daughter. “I didn’t mean to lie. I just—”
“I know.”
Sniffling, Misty wipes her eyes and laughs. “You know?”
“Zep explained it. And I’m glad you didn’t tell me. It hurts knowing Dad doesn’t want me, but it’s better to hurt when you’re older than when you’re younger.”
She looks up at me, and I want to kiss her senseless. “He did, huh?”
“We talked about how it’s her dad’s loss because she’s one of my favorite people in the whole world,” I say.
“You forgive me?”
Bernie nods. “I do. I understand now. I don’t think it’s right to lie, but I know you don’t want to hurt me. You want to protect me.”
“I do, baby,” she says, lip quivering as more tears fall. “I will do whatever it takes to protect you.”
“I also apologized for the violence in front of her,” I say, making sure Misty knows I’m not here to set a terrible example for her kid.
Bernie giggles. “What Dad said made him crazy, Mom.”
“It’s true. I also shouldn’t use that language in front of you, kiddo. I was doing so good until then.”
“Sort of.”
Damn it. I love this kid.
Misty still won’t meet my eyes, but at least she’s not trying to run away. Now, if I can just get her to listen to me, maybe I can make this all up to her. Show her that it won’t be a mistake to forgive me.