Chapter Thirty-Six
Misty
Zep talked Bernie down. He let her vent, and he explained why I didn’t tell her the truth. Helped her see why I never wanted her to know the truth.
And I know I should be angrier about the violence with Ben, but I’m really not. Especially after learning he told Bernie what he did. What kind of father does that?
I wish Zep would be the bad guy so I can hate him. Not someone who defends Bernie to both his ex and mine. I want him to do something that will make me fall out of love with him, but he keeps doing these things that make it too damn difficult.
“Bernie, baby, can you go play with the cats for a minute? I need to talk to Zep outside.”
She nods and heads to the living room. Zep follows me outside, and I sit on the top step of the porch. My entire body feels like I’ve just been hit by a train.
“Misty?”
I didn’t even realize I’d started sobbing again until his large hand rubs my back. “That look on her face,” I manage to get out, “is what I never wanted to see.”
“I know.”
Taking a few deep breaths, I try to calm myself.
It only partially works, and it truly feels like this is a dream.
It has to be, doesn’t it? In what world would Ben ever come around, let alone tell Bernie the truth about why she’s never met him?
She’s only ever seen pictures of him, and most of them come from her grandparents.
“I can’t believe he told her. What kind of asshole says that to a child. To his child?”
“Um… my father?” Zep offers, and I can’t help but chuckle.
“You and her both have shitty dads.”
“She’s okay, Misty. We talked, and she’s okay.”
I wipe my eyes and let out a long breath. “This isn’t okay. Nothing about this is okay. She deserves a dad. A man who loves her for the beautiful person she is. Who sees how amazing she is, and I’m tired, Zep. I’m really, really fucking tired.”
The weight I carry has been a lot heavier lately than it normally is, and I wish things would just go back to normal.
With Zep involved, it felt like I finally had help carrying the load.
And Bernie got an idea of what it was like to have a father figure in her life.
Now, it’s just come crumbling down on us, and I’m pretty sure it’s crushing me.
“What can I do?” he asks.
“The things you said about Ben… How’d you know?”
Zep looks away, and that alone confirms my suspicions. He stalked him. “I, uh, had one of my guys look into him.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to know what asshole would leave you to raise Bernie alone for eight fucking years.”
“What did you find?”
Sniffling, he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees with his hands clasped together in front of him. “Two domestic charges that were eventually dropped with a third one pending. Then he has that murder charge he’s hiding from.”
“Domestic violence?”
“Yep. I don’t know the details, but I can get them for you if you want.
Sounds like girlfriends, though. And when his financials didn’t add up to his work history, Pacino looked deeper.
That’s how we figured out he was dealing, and then the murder charge came up. Wasn’t hard to put it all together.”
“That’s what he was here for?”
Nodding, he turns his head to look at me. “He tried to get Butch to help get the charges dropped. He’s using his own product, though, so Butch would’ve told him to fuck off. If it didn’t kill him, it shouldn’t have killed a teenager.”
This surprises me. This isn’t the Ben I knew. He was the good kid, minus the teenage pregnancy he pretended didn’t exist. Played sports. Didn’t do more than drink. And he never so much as got detention, let alone arrested.
“He uses? Are you sure?”
“Didn’t you notice the marks on his face?”
I can’t look at Zep anymore. His gaze is intense and suffocating. “No.”
“Well, they were there. Plus, no guy is getting back up after the beating I gave him unless he’s hopped up on something.”
That part makes sense. I was kind of surprised he stood on his own after bones in his face were clearly broken. “That wasn’t the guy I was in love with, Zep. I never would have been with him if he was. And he sure as hell wasn’t hitting anyone, let alone women.”
“I figured you wouldn’t let that fly, especially at fifteen. I can only imagine how feisty you were with raging teenage hormones.”
“Add pregnancy hormones on top of it, and I was a handful,” I say with a small chuckle. “I always thought he’d go off and become some rich businessman. He had nothing holding him back.”
“Can I help with Bernie? Or help you?”
I’d love it. In fact, I believed he wanted to do this from the very start, but not right now. “No. I’ll get through this. I always do. But thank you for stepping in with Ben. I doubt he’ll come near Bernie again.”
“If he does, he’ll be taking a fucking dirt nap.”
I glance up at him, and I wish I believed he was exaggerating. But I know he isn’t. I know enough about him and about bikers to know the truth. He’d do that for Bernie.
“Thank you for helping her understand that I did what I thought was best.”
“Just so you know, Ben made her think that maybe she shouldn’t have been born. That’s when we talked about how sad the world would be without her.”
My heart breaks. “I hate him.”
“I told her Mama lied to me, too, and it was worse than what her dad said.”
“You told her what happened?” I ask, my eyes wide in horror.
If I have my way, my daughter will never know the dark parts of the world. Especially that dark. I love how Bernie sees the good in everyone and everything, and I want her to keep that innocent view of the world as long as possible.
“Not specifics. It’s one of the only times she’s ever let me off the hook for saying it was complicated,” he says, laughing. “Plus, I have no idea how to explain that to a child.”
Relaxing, I lean against the railing. “Thank God.”
“I think it helped that I could relate. And because of you, I know Mama made the right decision. She didn’t want me to know for the same reason you never wanted Bernie to know.”
At least something good came out of all this. No matter how hurt I am, I’m thankful for Zep. I hate what he went through, but it kind of feels like it might’ve been the universe helping this mom out.
“Thank you.”
“She also heard him call her defective.”
I groan. “Of course she did.”
“I said he’s defective. And an idiot for not wanting to be part of your lives.”
This comes across a bit ironic considering Zep had both of us and kissed Chanel when he thought I wasn’t around. He had us and made a decision that cost him what we had. What we were building.
“He’s clearly an idiot if he’s turned to drug dealing. God, I can’t believe he’d be that stupid. He’s going to get himself killed. I guess it’s not a bad thing Bernie knows the truth now if that’s where he’s headed.”
“Misty?”
I look into Zep’s eyes. “Yeah?”
“Can we… talk?”
“We are talking.”
“Later. When you’ve decompressed from today. I need to explain what happened. There’s an explanation, I promise.”
Shaking my head, I stand. “I don’t think there’s any good that will come from talking.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
I sniffle and stand. Walking to his front door, I sigh. “You’ve proven you can be a friend, and that’s what we’ll be. Eventually.”
“What if I want more?”
“I don’t think I can trust you. Not like that.” Opening the door, I call out, “Bernie, it’s time to go, baby.”
Bernie steps out covered in cat hair with a big smile on her face. “They love me!”
“Yes, they do!” I say and giggle. “How about we change, and then we go get something for dinner?”
Her eyes widen as she bounces on her toes. “We’re going out to eat?”
Is my cooking that bad? “I think we deserve it, don’t you?”
“I’ll go change right now!”
She races across the street, and I finally feel like I can breathe. My happy girl is back. I know we’ll struggle, and tonight will probably be a bit of a challenge, but she’s still my girl.
“Thank you again, Zep. I’ll see you around.”
I walk to my house, and I will him to call out to me. Shout my name and beg me for one more chance. Give me a reason to turn around and find him still there. But he doesn’t.
It’s over.
So why do I feel even more devastated than relieved?