Chapter Thirty-Seven
Zeppelin
Sitting in the bar, I try to figure out what the hell I’m going to do. Misty doesn’t want to hear the explanation of what happened, and I can’t really blame her.
“Why did I do that?” I mutter and drink from the beer in front of me.
“How are you holding up?” Lainey asks, taking a seat next to me.
I sigh and stare at the bottle in my hands. “I’m not.”
“Look, I didn’t get to know Misty that well, but it’s obvious she likes you. More than likes you. She’ll come around.”
“I kissed Chanel,” I say. “And she saw it.”
It’s her turn to sigh. “What is wrong with you?”
Laughing, I shake my head. “It’s been one big fuckup from the very start. Misty’s everything I want and more. She’s perfect. I wish I could blame it on what I found out about Mama and Butch, but that’s bullshit. We all know it’s bullshit.”
“So you still love Chanel?”
“I always will,” I say. “There’s a part of me she’ll always have. But I don’t want her anymore. I don’t imagine her when I think of my future. And if I never see her again, I’ll be more than okay. I’ll be fucking happy.”
“Then why’d you kiss her?”
Turning to her, I rest my arm on the bar top and shake my head. “Because I thought I owed her that. That we both needed the closure. She knew what she was doing.”
“She always does,” Lainey says. “Zep, Chanel has never been good for you. She got you into more trouble than you got yourself into because you were ride or die for her. And she’s an up-and-leave-you girl. You were never going to be the one she ended up with.”
“Well, that would’ve been helpful to know years ago.”
“You wouldn’t have listened to any of us. Chanel loves drama. You fed into it. There was nothing she could do that would turn you against her, and she knew it. She fed on it, and she got everything she wanted.”
Jesus. She’s right. Everything in our past has been fucked up. I thought it was passionate, but it wasn’t. It was toxic.
The only drama with Misty was getting her to let her guard down and finally allow me access to her heart. And that’s not drama. It was self-preservation, and I fucking proved her right. As soon as she let me in, I broke her heart.
“I have to fix this, Lainey.”
“I didn’t realize you’d sucked face with Chanel in front of her. I’m not sure you can come back from this. She’s a single mom, Zep. Mom’s are a bit stricter with the second chances when it comes to other people.”
“Don’t I fucking know it?” I mutter. “At least I got to tell her the truth about her baby daddy and break his face in the process. That felt pretty damn good.”
“Have you talked to your mom?”
I know I should have. As soon as I understood why she lied, I should’ve gone to talk to her, but I just couldn’t. It’s hard to face her knowing the truth now, and I don’t want to cause her any more pain than she’s already been in.
“That’s what I thought. She’s a wreck, Zep. And what happened to her wasn’t her fault. You know that, and you know why she didn’t tell you.”
“Did you know?”
Relief washes over me when she shakes her head. “No, but it makes more sense than a drunken one-night stand. I’ve always thought there was something fishy about that story.”
Yeah, me, too.
“Penn, seriously, you have to stop hitting on me,” a woman I don’t recognize says from the other end of the bar.
Nodding in her direction, I look at Lainey. “Who’s that?”
“Dixie Knapp. She’s the new bartender. And Penn’s newest obsession.”
Blonde hair with hazel or light green eyes—I’m not really sure from here—a bright smile, and slim, athletic build. Yep, that’s Penn Calloway’s type for sure.
Penn’s the resident pretty boy, and he’s known to fall in love with unattainable women. It’s his go-to move, and I think it’s on purpose. He can’t get hurt if he never actually gets what he wants.
“But you’re so pretty,” Penn says with a wide smile.
The stubble on his chin covers a chiseled jaw, and when he’s clean-shaven, he looks closer to twenty-one than thirty. Take away the tattoos and he could be a Calvin Klein model.
“I have a boyfriend,” Dixie says. “And this is getting weird.”
“I bet I can do a lot of things better than your boyfriend.”
“Maybe, but you’re not getting a chance to try. Now, can I get you another drink, or do you want your tab?”
She can hold her own. That’s what Nancy looks for, and it’s the only way to survive working in a bar with two different biker clubs. The soft ones don’t last very long.
“Hey, can you put this on my tab?” I ask. “I gotta run.”
Lainey nods. “Hey, Zep?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.”
Frowning, I lean on the bar top. “For what?”
“Everything. I kind of retreated into myself when we lost Dad. I should’ve been there for you. Or let you be there for me.”
“It’s okay, Lainey. I get it.”
“It wasn’t fair to you. And I hope you get Misty back. She seems good for you.”
“Thanks, sis.”
This makes her smile. Growing up, we hated when Mama or Johnny called us brother or sister, but the truth is, that’s exactly what Lainey is. Johnny may not share DNA with me, but he gave me what counts. And that makes Lainey family.
“Zep,” Mama says as she opens the door.
I hate how her lip trembles as she looks at me, and I know she wants to hug me. After how I acted before, I don’t blame her for holding back.
“Hi, Mama.”
“Wanna come inside?”
Nodding, I follow her into the living room, and I hate how awkward this is. I hate even more how much pain she’s in. For as tough as I am, seeing the women I love cry does me in. Cuts me off at the knees.
“Zeppelin. Good to see you. I gotta get going,” Jennings says. “I’m glad you came by.”
“Heading back to Griffin’s Beach?”
“Yeah, the wife misses me.”
He waggles his eyebrows, and I know what he means. “Jesus, you’re still fucking at your age, old man?”
“Zep!” Mama exclaims, but she chuckles.
“I’m not that old.”
“Old enough. That’s kind of… gross.”
We laugh as he pulls me into a hug. “Just you wait. Find yourself a good woman, and you’ll be just like me one day.”
Find a good woman. I already did. And I lost her.
“Hey, you know I’m just a call away, right? I’m not Johnny, but I am here for you, Zep.”
“Thanks, Jennings.”
He hugs me again tightly before moving to Mama and kissing her cheek. “You gonna be okay, Jo?”
“Yeah.”
“You can always make the trip up to Griffin’s Beach and stay with Tess and me for a bit if you need. I know Tess would love it.”
“That’s only because I sided with her whenever Ma would tell her she wasn’t good enough for you.”
The way they interact reminds me of Lainey and me. The family has fractured and almost broken since Johnny died, and we need to get things back on track.
“Drive safe. We have some big animals out on the highways,” Mama calls as Jennings walks out to his bike.
He just waves and shakes his head in response. Mama always worries when we go out, but I can’t really blame her. Johnny died on his bike. Not on a run but in an accident.
Yeah, accident my ass.
“Zep—”
Cutting her off, I pull her into my arms and hold her tightly. Her arms wrap around me, and she sobs into my chest. “Shh, Mama, it’s okay.”
“I’m so sorry, Zep. I never wanted you to find out.”
I pull back and fight my own tears. “I should’ve come by sooner, but it’s… It’s hard not to see what he did to you when I look at you, and I’m struggling not to hate myself for it.”
“What? Why would you hate yourself?”
“Because I’m a reminder of what he did to you. You never made me feel like I was part of something so traumatic, but it had to be hard. When you found out you were pregnant. I don’t know how you didn’t just get rid of me and leave town.”
She cups my face and smiles with a trembling lip. “You were never anything bad, Zeppelin Molloy. You were the good. And when I got that positive pregnancy test, everything changed. There was no option other than having you. You were meant to be.”
“I want to kill him, Mama.”
“I know, baby.”
“And I’m mad at Johnny.”
Saying those words breaks me, and I can’t stop the tears. The man I loved as a father betrayed my mother. And me. He should’ve taken care of this back when he found out.
“Baby—”
“No, he should’ve done something more than become an enemy. He should have taken out that motherfucker. The same way I want to. The same way I will when I have enough to prove he killed Johnny.”
I could kill him now. It would be extremely easy, but it would start a war. And we’re not in a position to go to war. Not yet. I can’t get the club to sign off on it like I need them to until I can prove without a doubt he’s the one who took our president.
“He couldn’t,” Mama says, her voice just a whisper. “He wanted to. There were so many times he swore he’d take Butch out, but then he risked you and Lainey. And me. Johnny would never risk us like that.”
“I just need to be mad at him for a little bit, Mama. It’ll pass, and I know you’re speaking the truth, but I just can’t let it go yet.”
“Okay.” She nods and wipes my tears. “You can be mad at him. He understands.”
We sit on the couch, and I rest my head on her shoulder. “I fucked up, Mama.”
“I heard,” she says and pats my knee. “It’ll be okay.”
“I don’t think it will. She’s done with me.”
“She’s done right now, but I don’t think she can hold out forever. Even if Chanel fucked things up like that bitch always does.”
Sitting upright, I stare at Mama in shock. She’s always the soft one. Understanding and kind. “You hated her, too?”
“So much, Zep. So much.”
“This really would have been helpful to know before now.”
“You wouldn’t have listened to a word any of us said,” she says, sounding just like Lainey. “You didn’t even listen to Johnny. If he couldn’t get through that thick skull, no one else was going to.”
Well, shit.
“Let’s get Sunday dinners back on the books,” I suggest. “You, me, and Lainey.”
“Really?”
“We’re still a family even with Johnny gone. It’s time we start acting like it.”
This makes Mama happy, and she beams. “Okay. I’ll call Lainey and let her know.”
And one Sunday, I’ll hopefully have Misty and Bernie with me. I want that family as badly as I want this one. I just have to figure out how to get them back.