20
I called the girls over so we could have one last girl’s night before I took off. Last time I left without telling anyone. This time I was going to tell my sisters. I knew they would try to talk me into staying, but I had my mind made up. I would still run my small business with some hired help, but other than that, it was really no reason for me to stay. Chevy and I had nothing more than conversation, and it wasn’t enough to keep me here.
Navi arrived first, bringing edibles since Rayana was pregnant. Harvey showed up with bottles of wine, and Rayana came with Sasha. We figured we would invite her since she had come to the cabin for Zoo-giving. I knew she was interested in Zu and Harvey at one point was with him, but now that she had the man she wanted, I was praying it didn’t blow up in our faces. Everyone but Rayana ate an edible. While we waited for to kick in, we threw on some music to set the mood.
Everyone was all laughs and giggles except Sasha. I snapped my fingers as I danced toward her. “Come on girl, we don’t bite,”
I said to her.
A smile eased on her face, “I can’t stop thinking about Zeus,”
she mumbled.
“Fuck Zeus!”
Yana blurted out as she rocked her hips and small baby bump.
Navi held the remote in her hand singing to the song then turned to Sasha still dancing, “Them Zoo Boyz will do that to you, we all been through some type of Debbie Downer with them niggas but at the end of it all, it’s worth it.”
she smiled.
“I fucked up though,”
she whined. “I-I don’t know.”
Harvey turned to her, “Can’t be worse than me. Listen, Zeus is Zeus and I’m sure whatever it is, you guys will work it out. He hates me and I get it, but I think he likes you.”
She slowly stood, and I bumped her shoulder dancing, “You are falling in love, aren’t you?”
Her eyes shied away as her face turned red. It amazed me how the guys were sucking them in deeper and deeper. I couldn’t deny that Chevy almost had me hooked, but he also knew how to push me away. It was like he wanted to hold on to something, anything, but then he didn’t.
“Yeah, bitch you’re in love,”
I giggled.
“I hate this feeling. I don’t want to love his mean ass,”
she whined.
Rayana came over to her, “None of us wanted to fall in love but look at us now. I’m carrying a baby, Navi is soon to be married, and Harvey had to go through an emotional battle, but we’re here.”
“I think you two are the perfect match. Better get your man girl,”
I told her.
Sasha guzzled down her glass of wine as she had now focused on me. “What about you and Chevy? I see how you two look at each other and that kiss at the cabin didn’t seem like much of a game to me.”
I went from dancing to standing there watching all three of them staring at me. Shit! “I cannot fall for a man like Chevy. He’s the type that will take your soul and hold it hostage even after death.”
“What’s wrong with that? Kidnap my heart nigga!”
Yana laughed.
I plopped down on the couch. “No, you don’t understand. Chevy, he’s not like the other guys. Something is different about him. He’s meticulous, very intentional, too calm, and—”
“Fine as fuck!”
Navi yelled.
They all burst out into laughter. Chevy was definitely fine. That skin of midnight was like his soul, mysterious. When dealing with him, you wouldn’t know what would come from it.
“Girl let that man fuck you, it’s probably what you need. He looks like a soul snatcher,”
Sasha said.
Rayana came over to me sitting down. She placed her hand on top of mine, “He needs someone like you. He really does. I will say this, he is at a point in his life where he has nothing to lose. Maybe just maybe you can save him for once.”
She winked.
I rolled my eyes. “You make it sound like the man is dying. Chevy is grown, he will be just fine without me.”
This was supposed to be a girls’ night, not a night to talk about Chevy. No matter how hard I tried getting him out of my mind, somehow his ass found a way back.
“I’m leaving!”
I blurted out.
My sisters’ stare was almost sickening. “Where are you going?”
Navi asked.
I shrugged. “Not sure but I do know I want to explore. I need to get away for a while. Will I be back of course,”
I lied. “I just want to live free.”
I was waiting for them to stop me, talk me out of it, but they didn’t.
“As long as you’re back when the baby is born, I don’t care. Zaria, you have to live your life,”
Yana said to me.
Navi smiled brightly. “I’m excited for you. The wedding, don’t forget my wedding,” she said.
A smile eased on my face. This was the first time I felt like my sisters had my back. The support they were giving me was overwhelming, but it made me happy. In only a few days, it would be farewell to California and hello to a new destination.
The cemetery was so quiet today. The calming aura gave me a tinge of peace. I squatted down, wiping the dust off my father’s grave. Charles Z. Jackson, Professor, Husband, Father. I removed the year-old dead stems left from the flowers that were last placed here. “I went to see her,”
I whispered. “I tried hard to keep cool, Pops. I did. Then she asked about you and a nigga couldn’t keep his shit together.”
I laughed. “You know Dio was there helping me through it. Dio was there. I know I fucked up a lot with him, but I promise I will do right this time.”
I replaced the dead stems with fresh orange roses and stood up, “Remember when you and Ma would start to argue and you would run into my room and tell me to go to Zu-Topia? When you used to say that I thought you were crazy. Every time you brought it up, I knew you were losing your mind. Then I got older, and I understood. I understood so much, so I’ve been there ever since. Zu-Topia has been the place I created in my mind and never wanted to leave. It allowed me to be anything I wanted except Zeus. Pops, I’ve been stuck in Zu-Topia since I was six and I’m ready to leave. I love you, Pops. I do.”
I finished.
Since taking Dio to see our mother, my head had really been all over the place. I felt broken inside. The minor break down I had, had been nothing compared to what I wanted to do. It had always been something about allowing Dio to see me that way. After seeing her, Dio said he understood me a little more. He and I were becoming better at communicating, but I knew it wouldn’t fully resolve the demons he had lurking around him. I decided I would tell him on Christmas that he didn’t have to go to New York.
After visiting my Pops today, I felt a little better. I was ready to move forward in my life, but I had one more thing I needed to address. As I rode to my next destination, the thought of me going with Chevy seemed farfetched. I was like the nigga that always wanted to get out of the hood but never could. With me allowing Dio to stay, I needed to be here for him, even if it meant I had to say my last goodbyes to my best friend. I didn’t know if he would make it to where he had to be alive, so I wanted to do it now. As far as Freckles, she didn’t feel the same way I did, and it hurt, but I needed to let her go as well. Love had never been my friend, even from my parents.
When I arrived, I knocked on Chevy’s door, waiting for him to answer. My phone went off in my pocket and it was an incoming call from Freckles. I sent her to voicemail because what I was doing now was more important.
When he opened the door, I could tell he wasn’t feeling well, and all the anger began surfacing to the top. I walked into his crib, eyeing him.
“Chev, you need help,”
I started.
He waved me off, “I’m straight.”
I wanted to go into this with ease, but in my eyes; it was as if Chev was committing suicide and all it did was remind me of my father. “I don’t understand you. You preach all this be a man shit, be honest, you a real ass nigga, yet you’re hiding that you’re sick!”
I snapped.
He held up one finger, then twirled it in a circle, “I’m only telling you one time my nigga, stop fucking yelling my—”
“Yeah, yeah nigga I know yo plants can hear that shit.”
He nodded. “As long as you know.”
“Answer the question, Chev.”
He placed both hands in his pocket, “I’m going to keep my hands here because the aggressiveness in your tone is giving my hands the signal you want me to pop you in yo shit.”
I placed prayer hands to my lips as I glared at him. “Me coming here isn’t supposed to be confrontational simply coming to talk to my best fucking friend that I’ve known for damn near twenty years,”
I choked up. “To ask him why he would rather die than fight for his fucking life. You,”
I pointed at him. “You gave us all purpose Chev. You gave us everything. You are the fucking king of the Zoo, we need you. And you,” a tear slid from my eyes. “You have to live. We cannot lose you; I love you my nigga,” I said as I quickly wiped the tears that betrayed me more than once.
Chevy bit down on his lip, fighting with himself. He flicked his nose and quickly thumbed the tear that hung on for dear life in the corner of his eye. “What is it worth living for when you have so much bad happen to you that the good no longer matters? Huh? What is it worth living when the love that you seek seems so out of reach?”
he cleared his throat. “My fucking purpose was to make sure little black boys with trauma over come it. To make sure that niggas like me never have to deal with those type of situations again showing them that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Why do you think I specifically chose you guys? My work here is done. So, Zeus, that is why I’m no longer fighting. You and your brother are closer, that is what I wanted to see.”
I reached out and pulled him in for a hug. Chevy needed love, real love and it was something me nor the guys could give him. I hugged my nigga tightly because I didn’t know if this would be the last hug I would ever get.
I went to leave, and he stopped me. “Christmas here, I want everyone to be here and bring your shorty too,”
he finished.
I knew I would be here, but Freckles I wasn’t so sure.