19
I screamed as I fell back on my bed.
I couldn’t believe Zeus really put me out. I had been fighting my feelings for him this entire time and it wasn’t until he told me I needed to leave that reality hit. I blamed myself for even crossing the line with him when the sole purpose was for me to make a way for my crew. I was trying so hard not to like his ass, and it was me who ended up falling face forward to the ground.
Zeus had me wrapped up in him, and to him, it didn’t seem like it, but I was. I had always controlled every situation I was in. I guarded my feelings from getting hurt because I had been played repeatedly, refusing to allow it to happen again. Maybe it’s why I understood his situation. When meeting Zeus, I wasn’t expecting it to turn into something so serious. Obviously, my feelings had other plans.
I enjoyed everything about him, even the selfish parts. It was how he looked at me or even how his lip slightly curled when he tried not to smile. It was him opening up to me, caring about my past that most men didn’t give a shit about. He and I enjoyed the same things. Zeus was fucking imperfectly perfect. A tall, thick nigga with a big dick. He was like my personal wild animal that I could tame, well, so I thought.
I felt my emotions taking a turn as I was ready to pull the fuck up to his house. I wanted to make him listen to me. I was leaving soon. How would we make it work? I picked up my phone and tried calling him, and he sent me straight to voicemail. “The fuck!”
This is another reason I didn’t like getting attached, because I could feel myself on the verge of a crash out. I tried calling again and again to voicemail. I shot up from the bed, storming through the house. My phone rung and I saw it was Beans calling, but I ignored it as I made my way to the door. I swung it open to an unexpected person. I first saw his gold grills and a sinister smile plastered on his face.
“Waddup Sash!”
he called out as he pushed his way in my apartment.
I spun in his direction. “Soho what the fuck are you doing here?”
He rolled the toothpick in his mouth as he stood there with his arms crossed, glancing at me. “I’ve been calling you and every fucking call has gone unanswered. So, you tell me what the fuck are you doing out here? Huh Shawty?”
Soho, being here, wasn’t good. He always knew how to ruin shit, even if it was unintentional. I would consider him the problem child of my bunch. The one who finds himself in situations that need rescuing.
“I’m doing what I came to do. It’s just taking a little longer than I expected. I talked to Chevy and he’s going to Toussaint,”
I started. “He wants to check you guys out, you know see how we move.”
Soho pulled the toothpick from his mouth and pointed it at me. “Ok, so what’s up with the missed calls? Take me to meet the nigga,”
he demanded.
I threw my hands on my hips. “No! he will kill you. Chevy doesn’t operate like that.”
Soho stepped closer leaning in, “Make that shit happen Sash. It’s clear your mouthpiece isn’t good enough. Well at least not for that!”
Slap!
“Don’t fucking talk to me like that. Fuck you!”
His jaws clenched as his eyes narrowed in on me. He shrugged his shoulders, “Well, I’ll be here when you are ready. Nigga been on the plane all day. What you to got to eat in this bitch?”
This isn’t what I needed right now. It’s why I came, and he didn’t. If Soho were the one asking to be put on, it would have been an immediate no from Chevy. If he stayed here, I knew he would ruin everything for the crew. Also, I knew him and Zeus going head-to-head would be a fucking problem. This is not how things were supposed to go.
Zeus cruised through the streets, focused on the road. I wanted to talk to him, but he appeared preoccupied with his driving and seemed to be chasing thoughts in his head. I turned on the radio to an old song. Zeus glanced at me and smiled, nodding his head. “You remember this song?” he asked.
I let the beat ride for a second and when I realized what it was, I smiled. “Yeah, Dad burnt this shit out,”
I cackled.
“He played this shit all the time, but if you listen to it long enough it wears on you. Shit kind of slap though,”
Zeus said to me.
I wanted to bring up the things I knew about our Pops, but I knew Zeus never like talking about him. I reached over, turning the music down a little as I glanced at Zeus. “I remember when he would play this and have that bitch on repeat blaring through the house,”
I paused. “He thought it drowned out all the yelling, but,”
I paused trying to check his temperature before continuing. “I heard everything.”
I could see him swallow hard before running his hand over his face. “So, you did hear it?”
“It was hard not to. Shit was going on for years after you left. Then one day I went to school and when I got back you were sitting there on the couch with the look of disappointment on your face and I knew something happened. I was expecting it to be dad. Maybe them breaking up but to tell me my dad was dead it scared me.”
He made a few more turns until we pulled up into a parking lot, killing the ignition and turning to me, “All this time I thought they kept you away from it and you knew nothing about the ongoing battles. I dealt with it for years before you were born and because of it a nigga doesn’t even know what love feels like. Come on, let’s get out,”
he instructed me.
When I peered out the window and realize the type of place we were at, I shot him a curious stare. I knew I had my moment at Zaria’s, but it was an emotional battle I felt like I could control. I pointed at him, “Zeus man, you not admitting me in nothing nigga I’m not going,”
I told him.
“Dio chill, get out.”
We both hopped out of the car strolling inside. The smell was of a bunch of old muhfucka’s; the sickly ones. Zeus and I strolled over to the front desk where an older white lady sat. He glanced at me, then at the front desk worker. Zeus cleared his throat before speaking, “Regina Jackson,”
he damn near mumbled.
My eyes grew as I glanced at him. For a moment, I thought I saw a tear. “Zeu—”
He placed his finger to his lips. The front desk worker got on the phone, calling someone. It took no time for them to come out to direct us where we needed to go. The person led us down a short hall. I tried peeking through the small windows of the rooms but couldn’t see much of nothing until I came across one that stood out. There was a young nigga look about my age sitting on the bed, rocking back and forth. It reminded me of myself the day at Zaria’s. I knew what an internal battle with yourself looked like. I almost wanted to go into the room just to tell him I understood. Sometimes a person just needed a conversation to overcome whatever it is they’re going through. They simply needed someone to listen to them.
“Dio, come on,”
I heard Zeus’s voice.
I jogged to where he stood. When he pointed in the room, my eyes landed on her. I didn’t know how to feel as I eased my way further inside, standing near her. I wanted to reach out for a hug, something I hadn’t felt from her since I was eight. My eighth birthday was the last time my mother hugged me. “Ma,”
I called out, but she didn’t respond. “Mommy,”
I called again, and this time she slowly turned her head.
My emotions were taking a toll on me because I thought she was dead all these years. The way she stared at me was if she didn’t know who I was. Like she wasn’t the woman who’d birth me and cared for me, at least from what I could remember. I looked at Zeus, “What the fuck is this?”
He slowly came in the room barely over the threshold, “This is our mother, I—”
“I know who she is nigga. Why you never told me? Why is she fucking in here?”
I snapped.
I had been walking around thinking she had died just as my father while Zeus knew she had been alive all this time.
“I never told you because you wouldn’t have understood. She knows who you are, but she’s pretty much gone though.”
Zeus seemed to have no feeling toward her, and it only made me more curious. “I’m old enough now so tell me,”
I said to him as I grabbed a chair sitting it in front of her.
I wanted her to say something to me, anything. However, all she did was stare. “Wha-what happened?”
I asked again.
My brother let out a sharp breath. “After pops died, she couldn’t handle it. She lost her mind but if you ask me, I think she was already having episodes before he died,”
he said as he watched her. “I would never forget one argument he just kept saying, Regina, you need help. You need to get some help, but no, she wouldn’t. There would be days she would be gone and show up out of nowhere then boom another argument. Ma!”
he called out. “See.” He shrugged.
I didn’t like how he acted as if he didn’t care, like it didn’t bother him that our mother was in a mental facility. When he called out to her, she glanced at him. Her mouth slowly opened, “Zu-Zu,” she said.
That’s when I saw Zeus almost break. I don’t think he was expecting her to react to him, but she did, and it fucked with him. His knees buckled, his lips slightly trembled, and a fucking tear slid down my brother’s face. Zeus had been holding on to so much over the years that it had finally broken him.
It made me realize that I was a part of the problem. Seeing my brother tore up played on my emotions and I knew the right thing to do would be to give him a break. She reached out to him, then to me. “Where is Charles? Is he coming?”
she asked.
The sounds of whimpers fell from Zeus’ lips. I shot up from the chair. “Come on Zeus let’s go,” I said.
Although I knew he brought me here to clear up things, this trip was affecting him more than myself. I didn’t get much time with her because it seemed she had stopped caring after my eighth birthday and now that I know she had a mental illness, it’s probably when things started to change for her. Suddenly he snapped. “You killed him!”
he shouted. “You fucking killed him!”
Zeus was losing his mind and what I didn’t need was them admitting his ass too. I pulled at Zeus’ arm, “Come on man not here.”
He had always been there to keep things together, so I was trying to be that for him. My emotions were brewing because I knew once we walked out of this door, I wouldn’t be back to see her. Not because there was no love there but because I didn’t want to see my mother like that or even having the notion that I could probably be here one day.
“You-you killed my daddy and left me.” He cried.
I pulled at his arm until we were out of the building. I took his keys and drove. Zeus wiped his face as he glared out the window. “Pops,”
he choked up. “Dionysus, he—”
I took a quick glance at Zeus and his lips trembled as his head dropped. “He took his own li-life,”
he broke down. “He tried to hold on but when she left for the last time he couldn’t bear it.”
Now it all made sense. I swallowed my emotions for the sake of my brother. Tears welled in my eyes, I turned my head so he wouldn’t see me and quickly wiped my eyes. Zeus was forced to be a parent because ours didn’t care enough for either one of us.