5. Kate
KATE
“This will not stand, you know,” I mutter. “This aggression will not stand, man.”
“Finish your mimosa and then have another and then try this on because you have to wear this tomorrow night,” Tina says, thrusting a really cute red sweater dress at me.
Obviously I need this super cute red sweater dress. But I’m not going to wear it tomorrow night, even though I am going out tomorrow night. Since I’m only going out tomorrow night with Adam “He Wishes” Foley begrudgingly, for charity, I plan to dress accordingly.
Tina and Eunice have dragged me out of my apartment to the Galentine’s Day sale event at Body Check Boutique on Main Street.
I am here because they are my Galentines and because this store is offering free mimosas and waffles to customers.
I am not here to purchase a Valentine’s Day outfit because Valentine’s Day is always stupid, but it’s especially stupid this year.
I had big plans to stay home on February fourteenth.
I even bought the largest block of cheddar cheese and the finest salami from Good Earth Market.
Fuck charcuterie—I was going to take angry bites of cheese and cured sausage direct from the source while binge-watching Homeland and knitting.
I was still planning to do that, all the way up until yesterday morning.
I am not above pretending to be sick and hiding in my apartment with the lights off while eating, knitting, and streaming a show under a blanket fort.
But I decided to go to the gym to work out yesterday morning instead of skating at either of the rinks.
I didn’t want to take a chance on running into Foley, even though I saw that the 6:00-a.m. slot wasn’t booked.
And wouldn’t you know it, that asshole was already at the gym when I got there.
Aside from the staff, Adam was the only person there besides me.
He was using the cable machine, doing cable rows.
His form was excellent, and it pissed me off.
I marched right over to him and told him I was going to pay my family back for the money they donated and get in touch with the second-highest bidder to take my place.
He finally stopped pulling on the cables to remove one of his earbuds.
Why’s that, Red? he said with an obnoxious grin.
You scared you’re gonna have a good time?
And that did it.
That was when I knew I would prove to him that I’m not scared I’m going to have a good time.
I’m going to prove to him that I’ll have a terrible time.
I’m going to wear something ugly and hate every second of that date, and then I will let everyone know how awful it was when I rant about it on the podcast.
“Do you have this in black faux leather, by any chance?” Eunice asks one of the shop girls while holding up a corset.
I shudder and throw up in my mouth a little.
In general, I can handle knowing that my best friends have procreated with my brothers, but I am not well adjusted enough to picture them wearing lingerie for those apes.
“You do realize Lance would be grateful to receive a Valentine’s Day BJ from you even if you’re wearing a Chewbacca costume, right?
” I remind her. “You are so out of his league.”
“I’m buying this for you to wear on your date, sweetie,” she states very plainly. I can’t tell if she’s joking. I can never tell if she’s joking.
“Ha ha. Thanks—I’ll wear it under my Chewbacca costume.”
“I’m not kidding,” she says. Looking at Tina, she adds, “Tell her I’m not kidding.”
“Babe,” Tina says as she loops her arm through mine. “This thing is bigger than all of us. Everyone is so excited that the third member of The Shrew Crew is merging with another member of the brew crew.”
“I am not going to merge with him, and also everyone is crazy.” I’ve been tagged with him around forty thousand times on social media ever since the charity event.
People have created the ship name #Fogueley.
It’s appropriately horrible. This is literally my nightmare, but I don’t hate that Phoenix might see one of these posts.
If I’m being honest, I sort of love that if I go out with Foley and have a famously terrible time, it has the potential to annoy both him and Phoenix.
Although…if Phoenix is going to see the inevitable pictures and videos of me and Foley on a date, I should probably look amazing. And like I’m having a good time. That’s it. That’s the play.
I’ll look like I’m having a good time for the cameras, but I’ll make it clear to Foley that I’m hating every minute with him.
“Okay, you’ve convinced me,” I say to myself.
“Great!” Eunice says as she hands me a pair of over-the-knee socks. “Wear these with that sweater dress and your sexy boots.”
“Dammit, that will look fantastic,” I mumble. “Fine, but let it be known that I am not going to enjoy this date. At all. And also it’s not a real date if I’m going unwillingly. Because, as I have made it very clear to everyone for approximately forever, I cannot stand Adam Foley.”
“Sure, honey.” Eunice pats me on the cheek. “Because a woman who made up twenty-seven nicknames for a guy isn’t obsessed with him—she’s just really thorough.”
“But also,” Tina says after finishing off her third handheld Belgian waffle, “that motherfucker is hot and he’s a really good hockey player. You should hit that.”
I gasp. Genuinely horrified. “I thought you were my friend.”
“I am. I’m your bestiest bestie of all time. And I should have told you how I really felt about Phoenix.” She blows raspberries and gives a thumbs down. “But this thing between you and Adam? I’ve been watching it happen for ten years, and I’ve been patiently waiting for you to figure it out.”
“Thing? There’s no thing. Not a thing.” I polish off my mimosa. “Nothing to figure out.”
“I saw it immediately, and I got sick of waiting,” Eunice says as she replaces the empty glass in my hand with another mimosa.
“It was cute at first, but watching someone be in denial about something like this for more than a few months is beyond frustrating—it’s just boring.
That is not a good story arc, and the show needs a revamp. ”
“It’s not a show, it’s my life.”
“You’re my only single friend left, so yes, you’re my show and we’re hiring new writers. Us. We’re the new writers. The Valentine’s Day episode better kill because there’s a lot riding on it.”
“Seriously? You think I’m in denial? I thought you guys, of all people, would understand that it’s a bit. It’s comedy. It’s a recurring bit that’s part of my brand. Look what it did for the podcast! We went viral because of my bit.”
“Oh, honey.” Tina rubs my back. “First of all, it was a thing long before the pod, and secondly, the pod went viral because everyone can see that you’re into him. How do you not get that?”
“Okay, you guys are freaking me out. Now I’m nervous.”
“You should be,” Eunice says as she hands me a G-string thong on a hanger. “It’s a big deal.”
“What would even be the point of wearing that thing? I could just stick a black Post-it over my hooha and save forty-seven dollars.”
“That’s actually a great idea,” Tina says. “A Post-it with the Icebreakers logo drawn on it. Adam will tear it right off.”
“I’m so excited she’s finally going to get laid properly,” Eunice says to Tina, as if I’m not standing between them.
“I know. Poor thing doesn’t even realize it’s possible for a man to give her an orgasm.”
“It’s not. Stop messing with my head.”
They exchange looks. They always exchange looks when I tell them I know that the whole orgasms-during-sex-with-another-person thing is a myth perpetuated by non-feminists so women don’t realize they’re supposed to please themselves.
That’s their comedy bit.
I get it.