10.
Jewel was being a complete asshole, so I pointed out that people usually catch more flies with honey.
Her response? “I bet I can catch even more with your hollowed-out carcass." Now, even though I firmly believe she’s on a fast track to becoming a serial killer, I'm trying to be optimistic here. She’ll end up working at the FBI body farm, and they’ll never realize the bodies they’re studying are ones she put there.
She’ll get paid to be a scientist and get to off people as a side hustle. She’s a genius like that.
Kale Forrester
JEWEL
“Are you going to take a breather before you chug your next glass?” I asked Brighten as she tipped her head back to let the last drops trickle into her mouth.
“No matter how much grape juice you chug, it’s not going to take the edge off like a good glass of wine,” Emerald teased, extending her glass toward me.
As I raised mine to toast with her, Brighten said, “All of us hoped at least a few of the elders would mellow with old age, but look at the two of you, still rocking the bitch vibes like there’s no tomorrow.”
“Bitch vibes?”
“You’ve both been pregnant, so I would hope you could cough up at least an ounce of sympathy for me, especially since it was three hundred degrees in the shade today.”
“Is that why you’re so whiny?” I asked.
“Partially. It started this morning when I had to listen to Hawk brush his teeth and resist the urge to turn his toothbrush into a shank and stab him in the kidney.”
“What was he doing?” Emerald asked.
“He was brushing his teeth,” Brighten said, as if that were enough explanation. “How can he be so annoying while doing such a simple task?”
“Two ways. One, he has a penis, which is generally reason enough. However, that penis put you in the predicament you’re in now . . .”
“Pregnancy is a predicament?” Brighten asked.
“When it’s June in Texas, it’s more than a predicament. It’s a daily torture of boob sweat and swollen ankles,” Emerald reminded her.
“Preach!” Brighten said, reaching for the bottle of grape juice Emerald had brought for her to sip on while we drank our wine.
“Having a penis, especially the one that knocked you up, means he can piss you off by doing things as simple as breathing and blinking,” Emerald explained.
I couldn’t help but chime in. “Which he really has to concentrate on doing at the same time.”
“He’s not even within hearing distance, so you don’t have to insult him,” Brighten chided.
“Why does it matter if Hawk can hear me or not? The facts stand either way.”
“Now, children, let’s not argue about how fun it is to insult the birdbrains. Tell us, dear pregnant one, other than the hellish heat, what made today a grape juice-chugging day?”
“Rough day raising the next family brainiac?” I asked.
“I wish that was all it was,” Brighten said with a sigh, resting her head against the back of the lounge chair and closing her eyes. “I’ve got a client who’s going to be the death of me.”
“Please don’t tell me we’re getting another Margaret,” I whined, thinking about what a pain in the ass Brighten’s former neighbor had been until she finally packed up and left. “It’s so peaceful without her.”
“Hasn’t it?” Brighten asked rhetorically. “I haven’t met the new owners yet because a corporation is purchasing the house, along with four others in the neighborhood.”
“Are the guys okay with that?” I asked.
Emerald nodded. “At first they weren’t, but then Heath called the representative Brighten’s been dealing with to explain that they refused to sell to someone they’d never met. Whatever answer he got seemed to satisfy his curiosity, so they’re letting the deal go through.”
“That’s a good sign. If you’ve already got the sales in the bag, what’s the problem?” I asked.
“It’s the other property they want that’s proving to be difficult.”
“Give us the details, youngster. I’m sure we’ve got a solution for you,” Emerald encouraged, holding her hand out toward her daughter, Aurora.
The look on her face was priceless as Aurora bounded away and Emerald realized the toddler had placed something that looked suspiciously like a dried dog turd in her hand.
Flinging it into the yard, she rubbed her palm against her pants. “Why did I do that?”
“I was wondering the same thing. I learned early on, even before I had boys, that you never blindly take anything from a toddler’s closed hand.
” I thought about it for a second before adding, “Make that anyone, because the men in this family are perpetual children who are never going to grow up and stop pulling pranks.”
“Speaking of pranks, how are things going with your new minions?” Brighten asked.
A few months ago, my nephew had challenged some of the other men in the family to see who could accomplish two goals: make me admit they were my favorite “child” and make my dog like them. Both goals were proving difficult for the group.
Of course I loved the guys, but I wasn’t about to tell them that, especially while they were going out of their way to be helpful.
I had one of them detailing my Jeep weekly, another weeding my flower bed every Tuesday and Sunday, and all of them volunteering to care for Ursula whenever I needed to leave her home alone for an extended period.
My dog didn’t like many people, and sometimes she didn’t even seem to like me, but she did not like being left alone.
When I was home, she napped all day. If I left her there by herself, she didn’t sleep at all.
Instead, she channeled her inner destructive force and ruined furniture, bedding, shoes, charging cords, and anything else she could get her little fangs into.
Three of my cabinet doors looked like a beaver had attacked them because I’d had the bright idea to trap Ursula in the kitchen where there wasn’t anything soft she could destroy while I made a quick trip to the grocery store.
I was wrong. She gnawed the corners off the cabinets, pulled the dining room curtains to the floor, took a shit on the pile, and ate the mini-blinds as high as she could reach.
It wasn’t a problem during the workweek when I could drop her at doggy daycare, but in the evenings and on weekends when I had to be away from her, keeping her supervised was best for both of us.
She was currently relaxing at my house with one of my nephews, who had been way too eager to help when I called.
“Tell us about this client first,” I said, “and then I’ll tell you all about how I’ve been torturing them.”
“I bet that makes your black heart go pitter-pat,” Emerald said with a grin.
“I can’t wait to hear the newest antics,” Brighten said, reaching for the bottle of wine on the table between us.
“Put that down right now!” Emerald barked.
“I’m just smelling it! Damn!” Brighten thrust the bottle toward me.
“Forresters, don’t make me get up out of this chair!”
Brighten and I looked over to find Aurora taking something from Brighten’s son, Griff, who didn’t look the least bit ashamed. If anything, he looked proud of convincing the little girl to do his bidding.
“Take her inside, wash her hands, wash your hands, clean up whatever mess you make doing that, and then bring me the antibacterial wipes your mom keeps underneath the kitchen sink,” Emerald commanded.
“Yes, ma’am,” Griffin said, walking Aurora toward the back door.
The sliding glass door behind us opened, and my nephew Hawk stuck his head out. “Will you please stop using that tone of voice with our kid?”
Emerald slowly turned to stare at him. “What did you say?”
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t bust his balls when he needs it,” Hawk said. “I’m just asking that you don’t yell in that tone. Hearing it from either of you gives me childhood flashbacks and makes me pee a little bit.”
Emerald giggled. “I bet it does.”
“If you hadn’t been such an asshole, we wouldn’t have had to yell at you so often,” I pointed out.
“I was a child!” Hawk argued.
“You still are!” I retorted, flicking my hand toward him. “Run along now.”
“Someday someone’s gonna drop a house on you, Aunt Jewel,” Hawk snapped, slamming the door shut.
“That’s probably the only thing that hasn’t been attempted,” Emerald said with a grin.
“Wrong. My brothers rigged a pulley system to hoist a doghouse into a tree for extra thermal protection while they were outside during storms . . .”
“Your mom’s dogs live inside the house like they contribute to rent and bills,” Emerald reminded me. She smiled at Brighten. “I’ve heard Pop say that at least a million times, but he’s just complaining to hear himself talk. He spoils all the animals almost as much as everyone else does.”
“Just like Hank,” I added. “Anyway, back to the house. The guys rigged the pulley system, and I was on the ladder helping guide it between branches to get it onto the porch of our clubhouse. All of a sudden, the branch supporting the pulley snapped, and the house fell. It missed me by inches, slammed into the ladder right below my feet, and almost took out Petra.”
“Holy shit. You both almost had a house dropped on you on the same day, and no one has ever mentioned that irony?”
“Nope. We kept it a secret from Mom forever and gaslit her into believing we’d never even had a doghouse like that in our yard.”
“You’re kidding!”
Emerald sighed. “It’s my professional opinion that you and your siblings are complete psychos.”
“Your mom is one of my siblings, Em.”
“I’ve seen her angry. My diagnosis stands.”
“Every time one of the Parkers talks about their childhood antics, I have to use the antacid bottle like a Pez dispenser,” Brighten said, letting her head fall back again. “Now I’m mad at Hawk for knocking me up, because I’ll have two little geniuses running around.”
“The fact that one of the birdbrains fathered a child as smart as Griffin has to be an anomaly. This next kid is going to come out with a mullet, wearing a stained T-shirt with a beer in hand.”
“It’s a girl, Jewel.”
“And? Em had a mullet for about two weeks.”
“They shaved a patch above my forehead when I got stitches!” Emerald snapped.