18. #2
When my phone vibrated on the console, I glanced down.
“You guys are screwed! She linked up the satellites.’ I picked it up, but an unknown number flashed across the screen instead of Jewel’s face.
I silenced the call and dropped it into the cupholder.
“Is this kidnapping and hostage situation going to take much longer? I’m thirsty and would like a drink before my imminent, painful death. ”
“I sense sarcasm there, Grunt. What about you?”
“Knee-deep in it,” Grunt agreed.
“Since we’re driving around getting to know each other, maybe we should introduce ourselves,” I suggested. “Would you like to know a little more about me, since I hope to be joining your family one day?”
“Not really, but I guess that makes sense,” Grunt grudgingly admitted.
“Mr. Parker, I really want . . .”
“He called you Mr. Parker! You’re officially an old fart now, man!”
“Call me Grunt,” he ordered, looking thoroughly unamused. “If you keep calling me Mr. Parker, numbnuts back there will keep interrupting, and then I’ll have to kill him.”
“Does your entire family pretend they hate everyone around them, make death threats like they’re ticking off items on a grocery list, and constantly pick fights with one another?”
“Yes,” Hank and Grunt said in unison.
“Jewel is very good at all three of those things, but I’ve actually started to like it. Her wit and sarcasm hide the heart of a lion and . . .”
“Aww. Widdle mobster is in wuuuuuv!” Hank said in a baby voice.
“Is it horrible that I already hate him?” I asked Grunt.
“I get cranky when people hurt my feeling,” Hank announced.
“The only things you have feelings for are your motorcycles, your old lady, your kids when they’re not acting like assholes, and your dogs–and not in that specific order.”
“I didn’t say he hurt all my feelings, Grunt. Just my spare one. I haven’t assigned it to anything yet because I’m saving it for my grandchildren, but it’s there.”
My phone buzzed again, but it was the same unknown number, so I ignored it and asked, “How do you manage to put up with all the craziness? Dinner at Jewel’s house is so chaotic I forget I’m supposed to be eating and just sit and watch the show.”
“She and her boys riff off each other real well,” Grunt admitted.
“As do you and your annoying friend,” I muttered.
“He’s not even the most annoying one. You should meet Clem.”
“Oh! Let’s take him over to Clem’s now! That would be fun.”
“Please don’t,” I begged.
My phone started buzzing, and as I reached to silence it, Grunt snatched it out of the cupholder. He squinted at the screen. “If this isn’t my daughter calling you, then who is . . . oh, shit.”
“You recognize the number?” I asked. Before he could answer, I pleaded, “Would someone please give me directions to the house so I can end this hell?”
“It’s the wife,” Grunt said in resignation. “She’ll call this phone until it combusts from the sheer frustration coming through the airwaves.”
“Did you know that radio frequency waves carrying cell phone signals can circle the earth in one-seventh of a second?”
“Are you always this annoying?” I asked Hank.
“I’ve gotta answer this,” Grunt said, trapped in his own bubble of dread.
“I could be more annoying,” Hank offered.
“How?” I asked.
“Imagine how annoying I’d be if I learned to play the harmonica.”
“Here goes nothin’,” Grunt muttered, tapping the screen to take the call.
Because my phone was paired to the truck, a woman’s voice boomed through the cab. “Grayson Parker, if you harm a hair on that man’s head, I’ll cut you off until the end of time!”
“I haven’t touched him!”
“Hank better not do anything either.”
“How do you even know . . . did our kids rat me out?”
“You know they’re not narcs! We raised them better than that! They didn’t have to rat you out–I got a phone call letting me know you were seeing Jewel the second you limped your ass across the parking lot!”
“Oh.” Grunt leaned over the center console, whispering, “The big city is looking more and more appealing, isn’t it?”
“Why is Hank hiding in the backseat?” Jewel’s mother demanded. “Nichole said if he throws his back out doing something stupid, she’s going to . . .” There was a long pause before she added, “I’m not telling them that! My future son-in-law might be able to . . .”
“You’re on speaker, connected to my truck,” I interrupted, offering a fair warning.
“Hello, Ziggy. I’m sure you met so many people that you might not remember me, but we met at the wedding.”
“I do remember you, Mrs. Parker. I’m anxious to see you again so we can chat without a hundred people milling around.”
“Suck-up,” Grunt muttered.
“I’ll be home this evening, and if you and Jewel don’t have any plans, I’d love to have you over for dinner tomorrow.”
“Thank you! I’ll check with Jewel, but I’m sure that will be fine. Can we bring anything?”
“Grunt’s going to be in traction, so you might stop and pick him up a magazine or two to amuse himself with. Make sure you get one with plenty of pictures, because apparently, he’s lost every bit of sense he had and probably can’t read anymore.”
I coughed to cover a laugh. “I’ll do that.”
“Sour Patch, I’m not that injured . . .”
“Yet!”
“Can we talk about this later? You know how I hate talking on the phone.”
“You just want to have this discussion in person so you can try to distract me.”
“Well, yeah, that was the plan,” Grunt grumbled.
“Ziggy, honey, drive back to the office and drop Hank and Grunt off. One of our grandsons is riding his bike home while his wife takes Grunt with her.”
I happily made a U-turn and headed back toward Jewel’s office. As I passed Tino and Jersey, I saw the shock on their faces when they realized there were two men in the truck with me instead of the one they’d seen get inside.
“Thank you for the rescue, Mrs. Parker.”
“Call me Shannon, honey.”
“I’ll do that, and hopefully, I’ll see you tomorrow for dinner.”
“I love you, Grunt, and I’m glad you’re okay, but no amount of distraction is going to get you off the hook. I’m very upset with you right now, but I’ll try to calm down on the ride home.”
“Sorry I didn’t call you, Sour Patch. I love you too.”
“Bye, guys!”
Luckily, with all our circling, we weren’t far from Jewel’s office. Just as Shannon ended the call, I pulled into the parking lot with a relieved sigh.
“Looks like your ride is here, Mr. Parker.”
“I told you to call me Grunt.”
“I know you did, and I know that, at some point, you’re probably gonna try to have me killed.
You won’t be the first person to try, but hopefully you’ll be the last. And, just to get this out of the way so I don’t have to endure another eventful discussion with your buddy singing backup, let me say that I’m in love with your daughter.
I’m taking it slow because you and I both know that if I push her, she’ll dig in her heels.
I’m learning how to . . . finesse things so she doesn’t realize she’s being guided. ”
“He’s a fucking moron if he thinks that’s gonna work,” Hank said, throwing open the door to get out of my truck. Before slamming the door, he called back, “Good luck with that, Mob Boy! I’ll be watching.”
“I’m sure both of you will, along with the other ten thousand residents of Rojo who love Jewel.”
“You forgot about Colorado. There’s a shit ton of people there who love her too.”
“Of course. I’ve met quite a few of them.”
“Well, there’s always more you didn’t realize were waiting in the shadows. Remember that.”
“Yes, sir. I will.”
“Jewel can handle herself in a fight. I made sure of that. I just want you to make sure she’s not put in any danger and doesn’t need to use that skill.”
“I love your daughter and will do everything in my power, along with my family’s influence, to make sure she, her sons, and the rest of your family and friends are never touched by my family’s business endeavors.”
“I guess she could do worse than have mob protection,” Grunt conceded. “God knows it’s been a chore handling it on my own, even with all the help I’ve got here.”
“I haven’t told Jewel how I feel about her yet because I think it’s best to let her believe she’s leading the charge. So I’d like to ask you to keep this conversation between us.”
“I’m going to tell my wife, because I don’t hide anything from her.”
“Except for an almost motorcycle accident and two major injuries.”
“You didn’t invent the idea of finessing your woman into understanding your position, Ziggy. I’ve got years of experience doing that exact same thing.”
“If I need any pointers, I’ll hit you up.”
“Don’t bother. I might not hate you yet, but I’ll still take great pleasure in watching Jewel toy with you until you’re begging for mercy. Every time that happens, just take consolation in telling yourself it’s a learning experience.”
“Every day with her is.”
“Go inside and let her check you for injuries before she has a conniption fit,” Grunt ordered.
“Yes, sir.”
Without another word, Jewel’s dad got out of my truck and shut the door. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, hoping that today’s adventure of driving in circles while my head spun from the conversation with the two old men had taken me one step closer to being accepted by Jewel's family.
If it didn’t, I’d try another way. Hopefully, though, I’d be able to plan it rather than end up with a surprise guest on the backseat floorboard while Grunt directed me down a lonely country road to a spot where he’d already dug a hole exactly the size of my body.
Like I’d told her father, every day with Jewel was a learning experience, but it wasn’t hard to notice that every single day was an adventure too–whether it was with her or someone who loved her. Either way, I’d never get bored. Of that, I was absolutely sure.