22.
Jewel can argue a person sideways until they forget what point they were trying to make. She’ll start as a city prosecutor, then move up to work for the feds, and one day, she’ll be the U.S. Attorney General writing the rules the rest of us have to follow. After that, the sky’s the limit.
Nick Cardenas
JEWEL
“Dad is so high I think the only thing stopping him from floating off into the clouds is the change in his pockets,” Atlas said as he walked in from the backyard.
“That’s pretty high,” Addie, Atlas’s wife, said with a giggle.
“He’s being nice to Jewel’s boyfriend.”
Addie’s laughter vanished, replaced by genuine worry. “Okay, that’s not funny. That’s concerning.”
“I don’t think he realizes who he’s talking to,” Spruce said with a frown. He looked at me. “What did you give him?”
“It’s the new meds the rep brought over,” I said with a shrug. “Obviously, they work.”
“Yeah, because he’s following the medication directions to the letter,” Spruce scoffed. “How many beers has he had today?”
“He’s still on his first. I keep taking him bottles filled with water, and he hasn’t noticed yet.”
We all stared at Mom in shock. Partly because Dad liked his beer in the evenings and Mom rarely lied to him. Mostly because none of us expected the new muscle relaxer to be this strong.
“I doubt it’s the pills you gave him, Jewel,” Mom said. “The last time Micah and Parker came over, they brought him some drops to take. Just a couple of drops in a cup of juice, and apparently he forgets how bad he’s hurting.”
“I think he forgot my name,” Atlas informed her. “That’s a little more than just forgetting about his pain.”
Mom shrugged. “Does it hurt your feelings to think you’re such a forgettable person, Atlas?”
“When people wonder how Petra and Jewel became so mean, I want to tell them it’s because they act just like their mother.
But no one would believe me. You’ve got everyone snowed.
” Atlas scoffed. “They think you’re a sweet woman who raised all these wild kids with love and understanding, but in reality, you’re just plain mean. ”
Mom walked up to Atlas, my oldest brother, and wrapped her arms around his waist as she smiled up at him. “Did I mistreat you, baby?”
“Horribly. I’m scarred for life and will never recover.”
“I made chocolate pie.”
“Did you make . . .”
“Your bowl is hidden in the refrigerator so you can take it home and have it all to yourself. Although, it might be nice if you shared at least a little with your wife.”
“Maybe,” Atlas grumbled. He kissed Mom’s forehead and squeezed her tight. “You’re the best mom ever.”
“I know, sweetie.”
“Come on, guys. Let’s go outside and make sure Dad hasn’t floated away,” Atlas suggested.
“I’m afraid Terran’s about to start running neurological tests if we don’t redirect him,” I said as we headed for the patio door. “He was giving him a three-word memory test when I came inside.”
We filed out of the house, and I moved toward the ring of chairs around the empty fire pit so I could sit at the end of the lounge chair Ziggy had claimed. I didn’t make it that far. Terran suddenly announced, “Gallus gallus domesticus!” and my father and Ziggy both launched into chicken noises.
“What have you done?” I asked in a near shout.
Terran giggled. “Watch this one! Rutschbana!”
Dad and Ziggy gripped the armrests of the chairs before suddenly swaying from side to side.
As Ziggy slammed back against the chair, Dad leaned forward and screamed bloody murder, then threw himself back and stared up at the sky.
Ziggy looked concerned, then slowly sat upright and threw his arms up with a shout as he tilted forward.
I glanced over at Dad. He was going from side to side again, his complexion nearly green, as if the movements were nauseating him. Ziggy let out an excited shout and then dropped his arms, sitting up straight again as if he’d just lurched to a stop.
“What the fuck are they doing?” Spruce asked.
Terran giggled again. “They’re on a roller coaster!”
“Undo whatever you’ve done right fucking now!”
“God, I love your family,” Atlas’s wife, Addie, said as she hopped up on the deck rail and waited for the rest of the show. “It’s never boring here.”
“Terran, I’m not gonna tell you again. You better . . .”
“Or what?” Terran asked with a bored expression.
“Mom!” I yelled, just like I used to when we were children and I really needed her help.
I once asked her how she could tell when I was just irritated and ready to tattle, or when I was really in trouble.
She told me it was something you learn when you’re a mom.
At the time, I thought that was a dumb answer and accused her of using the security cameras for surveillance, but when I had my own children, I learned she was telling the truth.
A pained scream was completely different than anger or frustration. When my boys were infants, I learned the difference fast. I could tell what they needed by how they cried, whether it was hunger, a wet bottom, or boredom. I finally understood what Mom couldn’t explain.
“What’s wrong? Are you . . .” Mom put her hands on her hips. “Why did you scream like that?”
“Show Mom what you’ve done, Terran.”
“It’s just a little game,” Terran hedged. Mom gave him the look, and Terran shrank back against his chair in shame. He seemed to realize what he’d just done and sat up straighter. “That look doesn’t work on me anymore.”
Mom’s gaze never wavered. She stared at Terran until he started to squirm in his chair. “What did you do?”
“Gallus gallus domesticus.”
“What the hell does . . .” When Dad and Ziggy started clucking like chickens, Mom’s mouth dropped open. “Oh. My. God!”
Terran rolled his eyes. “It’s an easy fix!”
“Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!”
“Just a . . .”
“Right the fuck now!” Mom roared.
“Okay, give me just a . . .”
“And they better not twitch like your brother still does, Terran, or I swear by all that’s unholy about your sense of humor, I will end you.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Terran mumbled. He rolled his eyes and said, “?Despiértate!”
Dad burped loudly, and Ziggy took a deep breath, looking around in confusion. Before any of us had a chance to say anything, Dad burped again, and then Ziggy made a gagging noise. He shook his head as if to clear it, then heaved again before taking a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, Kitten, but I think I need to go home. Can you get a ride with . . .” Ziggy shook his head again and blew out a long breath. “No, I think I need you to drive me.”
Atlas, Spruce, and Terran were all fighting tears from holding in their laughter, and it erupted at the exact same moment Dad did. He leaned forward and threw up on the deck before burping loudly. “Shit! How much did I drink?”
“Terran Parker, I swear . . .”
“I’m dizzy, Sour Patch. Will you help me to bed?” Dad looked around at my brothers. “What the fuck are you laughing about? I’ve seen all of you do worse over the years!”
“Terran, clean this shit up. Jewel, take Ziggy home and do . . . fuck. I don’t know what to do for either of them.”
Between hoots of laughter, Terran explained, “It’s just a little motion sickness. They’ll both be fine in a few minutes.”
“He’s right,” Ziggy said as he looked from me to Terran and then back again in confusion. “I already feel better.”
“Well, I don’t. I’m shakin’ like a dog shittin’ peach seeds and need to go lie down.”
“Use your crutches,” Mom ordered, bending down to pull them out from under his chair. “I’ll bring you a bottle of water and another pill.”
“You’re too good for me, Sour Patch.”
“Remember you said that when I tell you what my kid just did,” Mom said, glaring at Terran. “Again.”
The bastard didn’t even have the sense to look ashamed. Instead, he smiled and said, “Night, Dad. I’ll talk to you tomorrow!”
Ziggy stood up and looked around. “I feel like something big just happened, but . . . when did you come outside? I don’t remember . . . I don’t know what’s going on.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to go home?” I asked. I was not ready to explain to Ziggy that my brother had hypnotized him. I hoped that somehow no one would mention the conversation we’d had for the last ten minutes, and Ziggy would never find out.
I knew that was a pipe dream when I heard chicken noises coming from Atlas’s phone as he and Spruce stared at the screen.
“Does Mom know you have access to her cameras?”
“I installed the system.”
“But does she know?”
“Yes, but she made me promise to never look at any footage unless I was absolutely positive about the time frame.”
“Why would she do that?” Ziggy asked.
“Occasionally, Mom and Dad go out and look at nature together,” Spruce explained.
When Ziggy looked confused, I sighed. “And they do it naked.”
“Holy shit!” Ziggy exclaimed. “Your parents are a riot, Jewel! As a matter of fact, your entire family is just . . . I don’t even have the words for them.”
I glared at my brother. “What else did you fuck up, Terran?”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“He’s cheerful and complimentary. You fucking broke him, so fix him!”
“I didn’t . . .”
Ziggy interrupted Terran’s denial. “You’ve gotta let me finish, Kitten. I was going to ask how you became such a pain in the ass when you come from such a cheerful family.”
“That’s more like it!” I said, walking into his arms. “I was worried for a minute.”
“Because I was being nice?”
“Yes! That’s totally unnecessary.”
Ziggy laughed before leaning down to whisper in my ear, “No one else in your family is as big of a pain in the ass as you are, Kitten. I’m not sure how I put up with you.”
“You don’t have a choice, Nip! You’re stuck with me, so get happy or shut up.”
“There’s my sweet Kitten,” Ziggy murmured, giving me a kiss. “I’ve gotta rile you up now and then so you can blow off steam. I’d hate for you to go on a killing spree.”
“Would you really?”
“I’d like a little time to prepare an airtight alibi, but if necessary, I can find one after the fact.”
“I’ve never thought you were sexier than I do right now,” I said before kissing him again.