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Chapter 4 #2

The corners of his lips quirked up in a real smile, and I tried with everything I had not to smile back like an absolute dope.

The last thing I needed was another picture of us making heart eyes at each other all over the internet.

My Instagram comments had been pretty NSFW since the last time he’d posted a photo of us.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I fished it out, grateful for the reprieve. It was a text from Abbey ( im outside with kiddo no way im just ringing that doorbell i look like a delinquent come get me ).

“Abbey’s outside with Sara,” I told him, trying not to sound super glad of the distraction. “I’m just gonna go get her, she’s intimidated by Jet’s front door.”

“Aren’t we all?” Sebastian grinned. “I’ll come with you; you’d probably get lost in there.”

“Cool, thanks.”

I tried not to focus on the fact that I’d been hoping to build up to introducing Sara to Sebastian and now she was going to come face to face with him as soon as I opened the door. It was fine, it was going to be super casual. It’s not like I was introducing her to a boyfriend.

Sebastian lingered behind me while I opened the door and ushered Abbey and Sara inside.

With his boots on, he was only a couple of inches shorter than me, but he’s willowy so I suppose I was a pretty good option to duck and cover behind.

Knowing he was nervous to meet them made something warm flare up in my stomach.

I resolutely pushed it away while I scooped Sara up, swinging her around in my arms.

“Hey kiddo, how was class?”

“Fun!” she exclaimed, beaming at me as I put her back down. She laced her little fingers through mine straight away and the anxiety fluttering in my chest settled instantly.

“Sara, there’s someone I want you to meet. This is Sebastian. He’s an old friend of mine.”

Sebastian promptly dropped so he was on Sara’s level. She considered him for a second before sticking out her free hand. He couldn’t keep the delight off his face and shook her hand.

“Hi Sara, it’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” she parroted back. “Are you a singer like my daddy?”

“Well no one’s quite like your daddy,” Sebastian replied, glancing up at me before looking back to Sara. “But yeah, I sing in a band like your dad does.”

“Cool,” she said, tucking one of her pig tails behind her ear before tilting her head to the side. “You’re really pretty.”

“Thank you. You’re really pretty too. I like your shoes.”

She was wearing her favorite pair of glittery jelly sandals. I’d gotten them for her a few weeks ago and she’d been so excited that she slept with them in the box, in her bed, for days. Complimenting her on those shoes was the way to her heart.

“I like you,” Sara told Sebastian, nodding to herself before turning to me. “Daddy, Abbey said I can swim. Can I swim?”

“Sure, baby. Do you have your stuff?”

Abbey held up one of Sara’s little backpacks, where she’d no doubt packed her swimsuit and floaties.

“Will you come swim with me?” She asked Sebastian, looking up at him with her big eyes. I could actually see him melting, I swear to god.

“Well, I don’t really know how. But I can come hang out at the pool while you swim?”

“Ok,” she smiled, letting go of my hand so she could offer a hand to Sebastian instead. He got to his feet, flashing me a pleased grin as he took her hand and started leading her out back to the pool.

“He really is very pretty,” Abbey murmured to me with a wink before she followed them out.

“Yeah yeah,” I grumbled to myself, trying not to focus on the sight of Sebastian and my daughter seemingly engrossed in conversation and how natural it looked.

◆◆◆

I knew everything was going too well.

Shep blames my anxiety, but I blame just, you know, my lived experience.

Everything was too easy – Mira and Annabelle were getting on with Eddie, Steve and Jet.

In fact, Mira and Jet were definitely flirting with each other, something I was absolutely going to tease her about when I got the chance.

Shep and Callie were having a great time and I could tell they’d already charmed everyone in attendance. Even Abbey was behaving herself.

Sebastian and Sara were definitely new best friends. She made him laugh and I could tell he was very taken with her. Of course he was, I’d somehow managed to luck out when it came to kids.

We were sitting around one of the big tables in Jet’s outdoor dining area. It looked like the table was buckling under the sheer amount of food and it was all really delicious. I hadn’t known that Jet liked to cook, and just like being a guitarist, he made it look so effortless.

Obviously, it all had to go to shit because that’s what always happens.

“You know, Max,” Mrs Jacobs said, leaning in and dropping her voice as she swirled the dark red wine around in her glass. “I was very surprised when Sebastian told me you’d be going on tour again.”

I glanced around the table – everyone was wrapped up in their own conversations, no one was listening to us. I was glad; I’d expected the awkward conversation with one or both of Sebastian’s parents. At least it’d be over and done with.

“I was surprised he asked,” I admitted, rubbing the back of my neck so I had something to do with my hands. My hair fell across my face and I was immediately grateful for something to hide behind. “Look, he and I haven’t always gotten on…”

“Really?” She fixed me with a shrewd stare. “ I thought the problem was you got on too well.”

It was the first time I’d ever heard anyone refer to what had happened between Sebastian and I as a problem.

Shep, Mira and Annabelle had all been shocked when I’d told them, but they’d been incredibly supportive.

I tried to tell myself that wasn’t what she meant, I really did, but it was too late – my back was up in the blink of an eye.

“It’s not…it wasn’t a problem,” I replied, keeping my voice as low as I could.

“You and I must remember that time very differently, then. Because I distinctly remember him coming back to New York absolutely devastated that his handsome Californian boyfriend had broken his heart.”

I could barely hear her through the sound of my blood rushing in my ears. I don’t know why people describe fury as cold; it’s always made me feel like my insides were on fire. I tried to parse through what she’d said, but it didn’t make sense. I latched on to the only thing I could.

“I’m not from California,” I blurted. “I’m from Utah.”

“Of course you are, dear,” she whispered patronizingly. “The fact remains that you broke my son’s heart and foolish as he is, I thought he knew better than to get tangled up with all that nonsense again.”

Nonsense? I couldn’t call what Sebastian and I had back then a relationship, but it wasn’t nonsense .

It meant something – it had meant everything to me.

How could this woman, who I’d assumed hadn’t even known Sebastian and I had been romantically involved, look me in the eye and say it was nonsense?

“I don’t know what to tell you,” I said, trying and failing to keep my composure. “I’m not sure what Sebastian has told you about that tour but I think you have the wrong idea.”

“Well one of us certainly does,” was the venomous reply. Then she was gone – getting to her feet, drifting back towards the bar, while I sat there shaking.

I could feel Sebastian’s eyes on me as I got to my feet, politely excusing myself before turning on my heels and heading inside. I couldn’t sit there, surrounded by my friends and his bandmates and his fucking parents and try to figure out what the hell his mom had just said to me.

I wasn’t surprised when Sebastian followed me.

I’d heard his boots squeaking on the floor of the lobby, but I wasn’t going to stand there to have that conversation with him, so I’d ducked into a room off the main hallway.

I was surprised by how contrite he looked when I finally stopped in what I was pretty sure was Jet’s living room.

“What did my mom say to you?” He asked, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth.

It was a nervous habit he used to have – chewing on his bottom lip.

I hadn’t seen him do it in years. It hit me like a punch to the gut, the realization that there was some of my Sebastian still there, under the ink and the designer clothes and the fame and the success.

God, I wished there wasn’t, I wanted him to be completely gone.

It would’ve made everything so much easier.

“I don’t even know,” I admitted, running both of my hands through my hair, trying to ignore the fact they were shaking. “She said you went crying back to New York about how I’d broken your heart.”

“Well I wouldn’t go that far,” he replied with a surly eye roll. “It’s not like I was sobbing on the plane.”

“Sebastian, I didn’t even know she knew. You promised to keep it a secret, you said you’d never tell anyone.”

“She’s my fucking mom, Max! I needed someone to talk to, and I thought maybe she’d, you know, impart some motherly wisdom to help with the whole thing. She didn’t, for what it’s worth. Are you seriously saying you’ve never told anyone in the past five years that we…”

“I told the band, when you first approached us about going on the tour.”

“See, so it’s not really a secret.”

“It is!” I yelled. “They’re my bandmates, they’d never tell. But they knew I had a reason for not wanting to do the tour and I…I wanted them to know that I’m.”

“Max…” he murmured, stepping closer. I instinctively took a step back.

“I’d been lying to them for so long,” I shook my head. “About me. They deserved to know. I wanted them to know. But I only told them about us so they’d understand the context of this very fucked up situation.”

I forced the words out around the lump in my throat. I couldn’t look at him, not when I could still feel my eyes burning.

“If it’s any consolation, I’m very proud of you for coming out to your band. And my mom’s a bitch, ok? Don’t listen to her.”

“She said I broke your heart,” I told the floor. I could hear the unshed tears in his voice and I was pretty sure if I looked up and saw tears in his eyes, I’d lose it in Jet’s living room.

If there was any of my Sebastian left in there, then this was going to hurt him like hell.

This was the reason that the thing between us fell apart.

I told myself – had spent years telling myself – that he’d given up on me.

And he did. He was the one who kicked me out of his hotel room.

But the reason he thought it wouldn’t work; the real reason we went our separate ways?

It was because I couldn’t come out – not to Shep or Mira or Annabelle or anybody.

He wanted to make things official, wanted me to be his boyfriend.

I would’ve been his first public relationship and I just couldn’t do it.

I wanted to keep things secret between us, had made him swear never to tell anyone.

If his mom was to be believed, he’d broken his promise and I really had broken his heart.

“Max,” he said softly, dropping a trembling hand on my shoulder. “It doesn’t matter now, ok? You’re talking about shit that went down half a decade ago. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you my mom knew. I thought she’d forgotten about it, honestly.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that my band knew,” I said, leaning into the warmth of his hand on my shoulder. I felt drained, dead on my feet, like I was going to start swaying any second.

“I forgive you.”

He was smiling again, a soft, small smile.

I wondered what he’d forgiven me for. Was it because I totally overreacted to him telling his mom about what had gone on between us?

Or was he forgiving me for breaking his heart?

He still hadn’t said if his mom had been right, hadn’t confirmed what she’d told me.

But as I took in the sight of him – his shaky smile, his jewel bright eyes, the tears studding his black eyelashes – I didn’t need him to confirm it.

Mrs Jacobs was right, I’d broken her son’s heart without even realizing it, had broken my own in the process, and was just now waking up surrounded by the pieces of what we’d been to each other. What we could’ve been to each other.

I leaned into him, into the warmth of him, wanting nothing more than to kiss away the wetness on his cheeks.

I murmured his name, feeling the heat of my breath ghosting across his skin.

His hand, which he’d intended as an anchor, was actually a hook, reeling me in.

Even though I’d supposedly broken it, I could almost feel his heart fluttering against his ribs, could feel the heat of his skin so close to mine.

“Sebastian,” I repeated, like I needed to reassure myself he was really there. Just one more inch and I would’ve been able to feel his eyelashes brushing against my cheeks.

A knock on the door shattered the moment; I hadn’t even noticed he’d closed it.

I pulled away from him so fast it made my head spin.

Hell, the whole world was spinning. The carpet was shifting under my feet as I crossed the room, the cool air rushing in to emphasize the absence of his body so close to mine.

“Hey, I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Abbey said when I opened the door. The look on her face made it clear she was going to be asking me questions for days. I groaned internally.

“Not at all,” I lied. “What’s up?”

“Sara’s pretty much passed out at the table so I thought I’d take her home. Wasn’t sure if you wanted to come with?” She explained with a quirked brow.

She was giving me an out, I knew it. I’d brought Shep in my Lincoln, but he’d be going home with Callie in their car.

Abbey had brought Sara in her car so she didn’t need me to take her home, but she’d no doubt picked up on how upset I was when I’d left the table.

I loved her so much in that moment that I had to resist the urge to hug her (she’s not a hugger).

“Yeah, sure, I’ll just come say goodbye to everyone,” I nodded.

“Bye, Max,” Sebastian said with a dip of his head. He’d pulled himself together in record time, it was like we hadn’t just had an absolutely heart wrenching conversation in the last few minutes. I was honestly impressed.

“See you later,” I told him, shoving my hands in my pockets as I followed Abbey out to the back yard. I could feel his eyes on me the whole way out.