10. Dean
DEAN
“Oh, hell no.”
I’m in my truck before the video has ended.
I need to get to her house before she falls asleep. I can get there in ten minutes if I obey traffic laws. Five if I decide not to.
But I don’t need to show up at Coach Barrett’s house with a cop on my tail, so I’m going to have to trust that she’ll have enough adrenaline in her system to keep her from falling asleep this fast.
Ten minutes feels more like ten seconds but also a little like ten days.
I don’t even close the door to my truck when I jump out of it.
I’m banging on the front door and ringing the doorbell—as calmly and rationally and respectfully as a person can bang on a door and repeatedly ring a doorbell in the middle of the night.
“It’s me,” I say, trying not to yell. “It’s Dean.
Please let me in so I can talk to Soleil before she falls asleep! ”
Coach opens the door with a jerk. “What the hell is goin’ on?”
“She can’t go to sleep,” I say, running past him down the hall. “Don’t let her fall asleep!”
I get to her bedroom door, which is closed, and knock on it twice before opening it.
She isn’t in here.
“Dean?”
Turning around, I find her staring at me, wide-eyed. Her hair up in a messy bun, wearing pajamas, a toothbrush sticking out of her mouth.
“Thank fuck,” I say, so relieved, but my heart is still pounding in my chest. She remembers me.
“Hang on,” she says, her mouth full of toothbrush and toothpaste. She disappears for a minute. I hear water running in the bathroom next door, shelves pulled open and slammed shut. She comes back out.
I’m in the hallway. “So, you didn’t go to sleep?”
“I had to brush my teeth first.”
“Did you delete or erase or burn anything?”
“Not yet. I was about to. How did you get here so fast?”
I take her hand and lead her to the living room, where Coach is standing in the center of the room, arms crossed, feet flat on the ground, chewing gum intensely, the way he watches games from behind the bench. He knows I’m here to make a play; he doesn’t have to ask what’s going on.
“Sorry to barge in like this, Coach. She sent me a video telling me she’s ending this and deleting all records of me and her, for the sake of my happiness.
” After catching my breath, I continue. “I’m not letting you end this, Soleil.
Not for that reason. Not for me. I know you’re being generous and kind-hearted, and I don’t want you to feel bad for trying.
But I don’t only show up for you. I don’t only show up because something bad happened to you.
“I show up every morning because when I wake up, the thing I’m most excited about is seeing you,” I say.
“You possibly not remembering me every morning for the rest of your life—that’s inconvenient for me, sure.
Not as inconvenient as having a memory disorder, though.
But we’re all being honest here now, right?
We aren’t going back to pretending something bad didn’t happen.
So let’s not pretend something great didn’t happen either. ”
Facing Coach, I don’t let go of Soleil’s hand.
“Honestly, Coach? Would you trust or respect me more if you knew I wanted to be with your daughter and didn’t show up for her, no matter what?
I show up for the people and things I care about.
I didn’t let a hip injury keep me away from hockey—I found another way in.
“I will always find a way into Soleil.” Squeezing my eyes shut, I say, “Pretend I didn’t say that.
I will always figure out how to make this work.
For all of us. It’s why you hired me as your assistant coach,” I say to Coach, “and it’s why you keep finding your way back to me,” I say to Soleil.
I turn back to Coach. “I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I want your daughter in my life as much as I want to coach the Comets,” I say.
“Please don’t make me choose one or the other when we both know we all want each other to be happy and that the only thing that will make all of us happy is Soleil being happy.
“I think the skating is doing something. I see the progress she makes every single day, and I know it’s affecting her.
She’s had dreams about me. Her brain remembers me on some level.
It’s only a matter of time before she starts remembering more consciously,” I tell him.
“I want to keep teaching her to skate, and I want to be around when her brain hasn’t forgotten what her body remembers.
” I hold a finger up to Coach. “On the ice. On the ice. I’m talking about skating. ”
Coach has been silent and still as he’s listening to me rant. I appreciate it. I can feel the warmth radiating from Soleil’s smile even when I’m looking over at him. “Please don’t ever try to end this in the name of making it easier for me, because I don’t want easy. I want Soleil.”
“I think I’m pretty easy when I’m with you, Dean Rafferty,” she says.
Her father clears his throat.
“What do you say, Coach?” I ask.
“It’s up to her, Raff. This time I’ll leave it up to her.”
Soleil takes both my hands in hers and says, “Daddy, you need to look away, because I have to kiss him.”
“Roger that. I’ll go to bed, I guess. You may now kiss my daughter.”
“Roger that,” I say. “Thank you, Coach.”
As soon as her dad’s left the room, Soleil’s hands are gripping my shirt and she’s pulling me to her. “Thank you for choosing me,” she says between kisses. “I will always, always, always choose you.”
“Don’t try to push me away again, okay?”
“I won’t. I promise. I will only try to help you find ways into me,” she says, with as straight a face as she’s capable of. “Where’s your phone?”
I pull my phone out of my pocket.
“Delete the video I sent you tonight.”
“Gladly.” I do.
“Now record what I’m about to say and show it to me tomorrow.”
I open the camera app and tap the Record button.
Soleil leans into me so both our faces are framed on my phone screen.
“Hello, Dean and Future Me. I would like to find a way for Dean to get into me tomorrow. Please make it happen. I will accept his fingers and or his tongue for starters, but they need to get up in there or I’ll start thinking he’s forgotten how to get up in there. ”
“All right. It’s on.”
“You mean it’s in?”
“I mean they’ll be in.” I stop the recording and kiss her on the forehead, getting a good whiff of her hair, like a creep. “Good night, Soleil. I hope you see me in your dreams tonight. You will definitely see me at the rink tomorrow morning. And the next. And the next. And the next.”