Chapter 32 Shiloh
Shiloh
The next morning, I woke up around six am.
Verge was still passed out, and I didn’t want to wake him.
I figured last night was possibly the best night of sleep he has had in a month.
I know him, and when he’s worried about things, sleep is not something that comes easy to him.
I slip out from under him, careful not to wake him, and walk to the kitchen, opening a drawer I know will have paper and pen in it.
I leave him a note on the counter telling him I’m going for a ride and I’ll be back.
I’d hate for him to wake up and think I changed my mind.
Last night was everything I needed and more from him.
The pain of losing Cross is still there, but I do cling to the words he and Cash told me, that Cross wouldn’t want me to live like this.
He wouldn’t want me moping, and he’d kick my ass if he knew I was.
I sneak down the stairs and run into the house to change into my jeans, boots, and a hoodie with a jacket, snagging my beanie off my dresser.
As I walk out of my room, mom is in the kitchen and looks over at me.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” she says with a smile.
I know she’s happy to see me out and about. She took Cross’ death hard too. I’m sure it was like losing a child of her own, given he’s been around forever.
“Morning. I’m going to see if Tyler wants to go for a ride. I feel bad that I haven’t even been there for her. I’m a shit friend,” I say, running my hand through my hair as the weight of what I just said consumes me.
“Shiloh, this death has not been easy for any of us, but especially for you. You are not a shit friend, don't ever think that, okay?” She insists.
I walk over to her, hugging her, and she hugs me back. Looking at me, her eyes grow glossy, but she doesn’t cry. She just says, “He was a part of you and always will be, he’d be happy you’re finally coming around, okay.” She says, hugging me again, and I hug her back.
“How are Uncle Tuff and Aunt Lucy?” I ask.
“Doing as best they can.” She shrugs.
I nod, not really knowing what to say. I can’t imagine how they are feeling. The funeral was the first time I’ve ever seen Uncle Tuff break, and it killed me.
“I’m going to go get Tyler, I love you, mom,” I tell her.
She hugs me. “I love you too, sweet girl.”
With that, I walk out of the screen door and see Verge smoking while smiling at Love and Jake playing together.
That smile sets my heart on fire. I haven’t really seen that smile since before the night Cross died.
I walk up to him and press up on my toes to kiss his lips.
“Morning, sorry, I didn’t want to wake you. ”
“I appreciate that, last night was the first night I’ve felt like I actually slept in a month,” he replies, taking a pull on his smoke and blowing it the other way.
“I figured as much,” I say with a sigh, looking down at my boots.
“We need to hit one more rodeo before the NFR in Vegas, you know that, right?” He says, squinting his eyes at the sun, looking beyond me, then back to me.
“I know,” I say, looking away, but the feeling in the pit of my stomach makes me want to vomit at the thought of roping without Cross.
He flicks his butt to the ground, stepping on it, and steps closer, putting his hand on my face before he says, “I’ll heel, okay?
I can do both. And I’m done bull riding after this, okay?
I swear it. I just feel like I owe it to my mother’s memory to finish what I started, and I hope you can understand that.
But, Shi,” he pauses, pursing his lips together before he looks back at me, “If you can’t, I’ll pull out, okay? Nothing is worth losing you.”
I pull my hand up to touch his hand on my face and kiss him. As I pull back, I nod, saying, “I can respect that, Verge, and I’m not going to ask you to pull out when you are two rides away from winning.”
He smiles, licking his lips, and says, “ I love you, Boots.”
I chuckle at the name he gave me when we first met.
I hear footsteps and look over to see Tyler walking out of her trailer.
She looks exhausted, as if she hasn’t slept in a month.
I look her up and down and can see the sadness still residing in her.
I look at Verge, and he nods, knowing I wanted to talk with her and go on a ride.
He picks up his butt, then looks back at me and says, “Practice this afternoon, okay? I’ll also call and let the circuit know I’ll be replacing Cross and the circumstances,” he says.
I hadn't even thought about that, but I’m glad he has. Replacement heelers are only allowed in extreme circumstances, and the PRCA is very close-knit. They know about Cross’ untimely death and will allow it, but we for sure have to let them know.
“Thanks, babe,” I say, putting my hair behind my ear and looking over to Tyler.
“Love. Come,” Verge says as he walks off into the barn. Love perks her head up from tussling with Jake and follows him.
“Will you go on a ride with me this morning?” I ask.
“Of course,” she says with a smile that doesn’t quite meet her eyes, but it makes me feel better that she doesn’t seem to hate me for being so self-absorbed. I mean, I know I’m overthinking that, but I can’t help feeling guilty.
We walk into the barn, and since we are going to practice later, I decided to ride Stella’s old horse, Merle, today. I look over to Tyler and say, “Since we are all going to practice today, if you want to ride Ally Cat this morning, feel free to.”
She nods. “Thanks.”
We saddle the horses in an awkward silence, and I hate it. I miss the Tyler I met. The one that reminded me so much of Cross, her happy-go-lucky, funny side seems to have slipped away from her too, and it hurts my heart.
Cash walks in the barn as I’m throwing my saddle and says, “Morning.”
“Morning,” we both say together.
Cash walks up to Merle, petting his nose, and the look he has is as if he’s lost in a memory before he looks at me with a smile and says, “He needs to be taken on a ride. Glad you are taking him this morning.”
Tyler glances over with curious eyes, and I don’t miss it.
“Figured he’s a good trail boss,” I smile, and he comes over and hugs me before he pulls back.
“Beau is coming over this afternoon. Can you and Tyler pull the steers up while y’all are at it?” He asks.
“Yeah, me and Verge need to practice, and so does Tyler."
Tyler looks at me with raised brows as a slight smile creeps across her face, and Cash is smiling all the same.
“That’s what I wanted to hear. Now, don’t be mad, though, if Beau and I pull out first,” he teases, and I push him.
“In your dreams, big brother.” I laugh, and it feels good to be cutting up with him. I’ll feel even better once I talk with Tyler, I feel like.
“We will see about that,” Cash says, petting Merle and heading back to the house.
My stomach growls, and I realize now I forgot to eat. Hell, that’s a good sign, though. I haven’t had an appetite in over a month. Sure, I’ve eaten here or there, but not a lot. I’m sure I’ve lost quite a few pounds.
“Boots.”
I hear from the stairs, and I see Verge standing there with two egg sandwiches in his hand. One for me and one for Tyler.
“I didn’t forget breakfast is your favorite, heifer.” He smiles, walking over, handing me mine and then Tyler hers.
“You eat?” I ask.
“I had a cigarette and coffee.” He shrugs, and Tyler giggles as she eats her sandwich.
I roll my eyes and eat, and holy shit this may be the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.
I know that is 100% dramatic, but when you have really only been eating enough to survive because you can’t stomach anything and you finally have an appetite back, it hits differently.
After I’m finished, he walks over, kissing my head, and I look over his shoulder to see Cash peeling out of the driveway.
“Where’s he going in such a hurry?” Tyler asks as she tightens her cinch.
“No clue.” I shrug, but also wonder the same thing.
“I’m going to go call the PRCA. Ya’ll have a nice ride,” Verge says and walks back up to the loft.
“You ready?” I ask, looking back at Tyler.
“Yep,” she replies, and we head out.
We rode the horses out to Cross’ grave because I know Tyler has not been out here since that day. I would know I’ve been here every day. We stop the horses and I look over at her and her eyes are brimming with tears.
“Tyler, I’m sorry.” I say breaking the silence.
She looks over at as a tear falls down her face before she says, “For what Shiloh this was not your fault.”
“I know, but I’m sorry I haven’t even asked you how you were. I was too busy lost in my own shit that I didn’t even consider asking how you felt.”
She wipes her nose, leaning back in the saddle, throwing her leg over the horn and leaning her arm on it, and says, “I loved him, I still do. I still blame myself, though. Fucking Pierce,” she curses, and another tear falls down her face before she says, “I’ve had nightmares every night since.
If Cross hadn’t come up, I honestly don’t know what would have happened.
But the other part of me wishes, for everyone else's sake, it would have been me and not him.” She chokes on her words, letting a sob escape her lips.
She covers her mouth, and I walk Merle closer, putting my hand on her back, guilt again wrapping around me that she has been carrying this the whole time.
“Don’t say that, Tyler. No one wishes it was you. No one would ever think that. He wouldn’t want you to think that either. He loved you. I’ve never seen him so happy with someone. You were his everything..” I say, and as hard as I’m trying to keep it together, my eyes brim with fresh tears too.
She nods, taking a steadying breath before she says, “I’m sorry, Shiloh.”
“There is nothing to be sorry for, Tyler. I’m just sorry you’ve been dealing with this alone,” I say.
“Cash has been good to me and so has Verge. They check in daily,” she assures me, and it makes me feel a little better but not fully.
She laughs, then looks back at me. “I tried to leave, but Cash wouldn't have it. He said he made Cross a promise and my ass was not going off on my own.”
“Yeah, sounds like my brother.” I smile.
She nods, looking down to the grave, then back to me. “So are you and Verge going to finish what you two started?”
“Well, I’m in first. He won’t gain any points, but I don’t think Cross would want me to pull out,” I tell her, still staring down at the grave.
“And what about his bull riding?” She asks, looking over to me.
“He’s gonna finish the season, then be done,” I quickly say.
“I think that’s smart,” she replies, and I look over to her, wondering why she’s suddenly changing her tune about the bull riding.
She was the one in the beginning who told me to leave him if I couldn’t handle it.
In my defense, I was prepared to do that if it came down to it, but he has made it clear he couldn’t care less anymore.
“Really?” I ask, scrunching my nose up.
She chuckles before she says, “You know, at first I didn’t understand it.
You being so worried. But the night Cross…
” She sniffs but then continues, “Got killed, I understood. Watching him get stuck was even hard for me to watch. Watching the one your heart loves the most slowly be pulled away from you, not knowing what will happen next…” another pause, “that will make you realize more than you care to admit. I get it, Shiloh, and I’m glad he’s willing to hang it up for you, babe. ”
I nod, pursing my lips together and petting Merle’s neck, getting lost in my thoughts.
“So what now?” She asks.
“We all finish what we started. It’s what he would want,” I reply, and a genuine smile creeps across her face.
“Wee-doggie,” she says, and it warms my heart.
“Bitch, let's go get these steers,” I say, and she smiles, wiping her face, and we walk back to the house to go get the steers, feeling a little lighter than we did before.
.