33
The sound of rain, combined with the aroma of familiar food and a bodily scent Jude had grown so accustomed to, stirred him awake.
His head felt like it was splitting apart.
His throat was even more painful than before.
Using his elbows for support, he slowly pushed himself upright.
His nose quickly traced the source of the smell, and his guess was right.
On the small table beneath the lamp sat a plate of steamed broccoli, an omelet filled with chopped onions, a cucumber salad with sliced tomatoes and grated onions, a full glass of milk, and some medications.
Yet despite the growl of his stomach and the fact that he had not eaten for the past over twenty-four hours, Jude had little desire to eat, though he was not even sure if the meal had been prepared for him.
Jude’s body felt incredibly weak. The soreness in his throat, the relentless pounding in his head, and the fever coursing through him made him want nothing more than to lie back down and sleep again.
But beyond the physical discomfort, there was something worse.
His heart still felt numb. It still felt hollow and empty.
Jude could not even bring himself to feel ashamed of everything he had done. He could not feel himself.
Jude’s suspicion was confirmed the moment he lowered his gaze.
There was Sky, asleep at the side of the bed, loud snores escaping his lips.
One of Sky’s hands rested over Jude’s foot on top of the thick white blanket that covered half of his body.
Sometimes, Jude wondered what Sky’s true intentions toward him were.
Only then did he realize he had been staring at Sky for far too long. Sky looked gentle and harmless when he was asleep, a side of him Jude had rarely seen before. Yet that peaceful image could never erase the memories of the past, of the cruelty and ruthlessness Sky had inflicted upon him.
Living in such a chaotic world, Jude had come to realize that he was never good at hating people.
He was not the type to hold grudges. In fact, one of the things he hated most was harboring anger toward someone.
It never brought him anything except distress and torment.
He could tell himself he hated a person today, only to forget about it the next day.
But Sky was different.
Why was it always different when it came to Sky?
No matter how hard he tried to deny it. No matter how desperately he fought against these feelings. He could not. He just could not. For some reason, when it came to Sky, he simply could not let them go.
Looking at Sky now provoked a whirlwind of emotions Jude could not quite understand.
He did not want to feel any of them because they only brought him more pain.
He did not want to keep hating Sky for this long.
With everyone else, he could eventually let things go.
He could accept, forgive, forget, and move on.
Jude wished he could do the same this time.
But why could he not?
Everything Sky had done to him was carved so deeply into his memory that forgetting seemed impossible. Sometimes, Jude wished he were not smart enough to remember every painful detail.
Jude remembered their very first encounter.
The first cold glare Sky shot his way in the hallway on the first day of class.
The first humiliation in the cafeteria. The first time he called him a faggot in the middle of class in Values Education.
The first curse he screamed directly at his face on campus grounds.
The first flick on the forehead in the male’s bathroom.
The first cupping of the jaw in the corner section of the library.
The first punch at the rooftop. The first beating at the back of the campus.
The first broken eyeglasses. The first busted lips.
The first bruise on his body. The first kiss he stole away in Can-umantad Falls.
And many more.
Every single thing Sky had done remained vivid in his mind, preserved with painful clarity. Even the smallest details lingered as though they had happened only yesterday. And seeing him now only dragged those memories back to the surface.
A lump formed in Jude’s throat.
Just looking at Sky’s face was enough to make his emotions overwhelm him.
Tears began to spill down his cheeks once more without him even realizing it.
Lately, he had become far too emotional, and he hated it.
Seeing Sky made him more vulnerable. Maybe it was because he was sick.
He wished he would not feel any of the turmoil brewing inside his heart, even just for today.
He did not want those memories creeping back to haunt him, especially when he was still struggling to recover from everything that had happened these past days.
But seeing Sky’s face up close had effortlessly awakened them.
Every painful memory came flooding back, crystal clear and unyielding.
The numbness that had wrapped around his heart moments ago shattered, replaced by an ache so deep it felt unbearable.
The emotions from last night. The feelings he carried toward his family.
The complicated emotions he felt toward Sky.
They all collated into one stone that felt so heavy to carry. It suffocated him.
Jude quickly wiped away his tears and carefully slipped out of bed, making sure not to disturb him.
He wanted to run away.
He wanted to disappear.
He wanted, for once, to think only for himself.
He wanted to get lost somewhere no one could ever find him.
If death were the option, then he would.
***
Apologizing to Jude was something Sky had never imagined himself doing, not even in his wildest dreams. Yet the moment those words left his lips, and when he wrapped Jude tightly in his arms, it felt as though a tremendous weight had been lifted from his chest.
After placing the food on the bedside table, he spent several minutes quietly watching Jude sleep.
It was the only time exhaustion finally caught up with him.
He could not bring himself to wake Jude.
Instead, he found himself enthralled by the peaceful sight before him.
Jude’s face had become a sanctuary he could not look away from.
As he continued watching him, sleep gradually pulled him under.
I want to die, Sky…
Those words lingered in his mind, echoing like a haunting whisper carried by the wind.
Sky jolted awake. His eyes flew open. His heart was slamming violently against his chest. The moment he noticed the empty bed, a surge of fear coursed through his entire body. His stomach dropped, and panic instantly took hold.
“Jude?”
Sky shot upright and looked around in horror, but Jude was nowhere in sight.
“Jude!” he exclaimed as he rushed out of his room and frantically searched the house.
Sky checked the living room first, then the kitchen, before hurrying upstairs to Jasper’s room. He looked through every bathroom, scanning each corner with growing desperation, but Jude was nowhere to be found.
I want to die, Sky…
I want to die, Sky…
I want to die, Sky…
The words replayed incessantly inside his head, each repetition echoing louder than the previous.
A wave of fear crashed over him.
Sky’s chest tightened, and his pulse thundered in his ears. With every passing second that Jude remained missing, Sky grew more terrified.
“Fuck!”
Sky dragged a trembling hand through his hair in frustration and despair. If anything happened to Jude, he knew he would never forgive himself. Worry and terror gripped him so ferociously that he felt on the verge of breaking down.
“No…no, no, no…”
Sky’s breath hitched as a horrifying possibility flashed through his mind.
Without wasting another second, Sky rushed back to his room and snatched his car keys from the worn pair of jeans hanging behind the door.
By the time he burst out of the house, he was nearly breathless, skipping the porch step in a hurry.
Rain hammered against the ground. The wind blustered violently through the air.
Leaves fell and scattered across the soaked pavement while trees bent and swayed under the force of the storm.
Thunder rumbled and cracked beyond the thick disarray of dark clouds above.
Without hesitation, Sky ran straight into the storm.
Large raindrops battered against Sky as he pushed forward. He raised a hand to shield his face. His heart pounded with determination; his purpose unwavering despite the chaos around him. But amid the crashing waves of the storm, Sky immediately halted in his tracks.
And for a moment, it felt as though the world had stopped spinning.
The roar of the rain faded. The howl of the wind disappeared. Even the growl of thunder seemed to fall silent. There was only one sound he could hear.
Jude’s voice.
Not too far away, carried through the fury of the storm, Jude’s soft singing reached his ears. And despite the raging weather, Sky recognized it instantly.
How’d I get so far away?
What if I outrun Your grace?
Can You replace these broken yesterdays?
Drenched, Sky followed the sound of Jude’s voice through the rain.
Throughout all these years, he had never imagined that Jude could sing like this.
He had never heard him sing before. His voice was soft, pure, and angelic, effortlessly swaying through the storm and reaching straight into Sky’s heart.
Jude always managed to surprise him.
Every time Sky thought he had seen every side of him, Jude revealed something new, something that left him even more captivated than before. And with every surprise, Sky found himself falling harder.
Call me home, I want to be Your own
I’m running desperately into Your arms where I belong
The pain and sadness in his voice were evident as it drifted through the wind, sending a shiver down Sky’s spine and raising the hairs on his skin.
And I know Your love can turn this heart
A hundred eighty degrees to bring me back to where You are
Sky’s pace gradually slowed as he listened more closely to the sound of Jude’s voice.
At last, he found him in the backyard—standing beneath the old Narra tree, his back turned, at the edge of the pond where it elevated every drop of water from the storm.
Jude stood there with his arms slightly outstretched, singing a song Sky once knew all too well.
Even though Jude’s voice had already taken hold of his heart, Sky still had not shaken the fear that gripped him—the fear of losing him.