34
The moment Jude stepped outside, a colorful hummingbird landed on the balcony railing in front of the house.
He watched as the tiny bird tilted its head from side to side, studying him just as intently as he surveyed it, as though trying to decipher the emotions hidden behind his expressionless face.
Despite the raging storm, the fragile creature remained steadfast, fighting for food and for its little life.
The hummingbird suddenly fluttered away as if inviting him to follow.
Despite his weakened state, Jude found himself following the tiny bird.
Each flap of its wings struggled against the force of the ferocious storm.
He paid no attention to the cold, relentless rain.
The little bird led him to the backyard, where an unexpected sight awaited him.
Jude lifted his head and squinted, trying to keep the rainwater from getting into his eyes.
He watched as it hopped from branch to branch before settling on a slender twig where a tiny nest rested.
Another hummingbird appeared, landing beside the nest opposite the first. A small worm hung from its beak.
Suddenly, a chirp broke through the sound of the rain.
Jude guessed it came from a baby hummingbird.
He was right. A tiny head emerged from the nest, its beak stretched wide open.
The bird gently fed the chick while the other adult remained close by.
Even as the storm tossed the branches back and forth, they stayed together.
Despite the hardship, they were still a happy, complete family.
A glint of admiration naturally surfaced in Jude’s eyes: how nice it must be to be nothing more than a bird.
He looked away and shifted his attention to a growing pond nearby.
As he gazed into the water, he noticed a group of tadpoles swimming in perfect synchronization through the murky depths, each one struggling to survive.
A thought crossed his mind: how nice it must be to be a tadpole.
Jude squatted beside the pond and reached out to touch the water’s surface.
Raindrops filtered through the leaves above, splashing into the pond and shattering the reflection staring back at him.
He slowly ran a hand through the water, watching the ripples spread outward.
When he stood up again and looked down, his reflection had reformed.
Only then did he truly see himself. Oversized clothes hung loosely from his frame.
Bruises marred his face. He looked like a complete wreck.
Jude gazed at the hills displayed before him.
Their slopes were painted in shades of yellow-green, free of trees and coated only by green grass.
It was a breathtaking sight. His eyes wandered back to the pond.
The splash upon the water, the wind whistling through the open space, the rustle of leaves dancing in the air, the crack of thunder, the rain drumming against the roof, and the soft patter of droplets on the soil.
It all brought a sense of tranquility to Jude.
He spread his arms wide and closed his eyes, allowing himself to be captivated by the fleeting comfort nature offered.
The rain, the wind, and the sounds surrounding him brought a momentary sense of calm, yet the weight inside his chest remained as heavy as ever.
Without realizing it, he found himself singing 180 Degrees by Jordan Feliz.
Jude wanted to feel Him. He wanted to understand the song’s message and find an answer to the doubts gnawing at him.
Was He truly there? If He was, then why was all of this happening to me?
Out of more than eight billion people in the world, why did it have to be me?
What had I done to deserve so much pain?
What was the purpose of a life that seemed filled with nothing but suffering? The questions piled inside his mind.
Jude wanted answers.
And a part of him blamed Him.
As Jude sang, tears began to spill uncontrollably down his cheeks. The pain inside him throbbed endlessly, as though his heart could no longer bear its burden. Exhaustion, sorrow, and despair washed over him, threatening to swallow him whole.
“Are you going to jump?”
A familiar voice interrupted the important moment, abruptly pulling Jude from the only solace he had managed to find. Before he could react, a pair of arms wrapped around his waist from behind, catching him completely off guard.
“I asked you, are you going to jump?” Sky repeated.
There was no trace of anger or frustration in his voice. He simply rested his forehead against Jude’s shoulder without permission, his warm breath brushing against the exposed skin of his neck.
Jude lowered his gaze. He was not sure whether to answer him. He did not have to.
“I repeat. Are you going to jump?”
He knew Sky well enough to understand that silence would not stop him. Sky would continue asking until he heard the answer he was looking for.
“I…was planning to,” Jude answered quietly, voice was hoarse due to the fever.
“You’ll not get drowned,” Sky said, tightening his arms around Jude’s waist.
“What are you doing?” Jude asked, bewildered as he wiped the tears from his face with the back of his hand.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Sky replied. “I’m hugging you from behind.”
Sky’s voice was gentle. The sarcasm that normally laced his words was nowhere to be found. Instead, there was something softer in his tone, something that almost sounded like concern.
“Why?” Jude asked, unable to hide the irritation in his voice.
He let out an exasperated sigh.
“Why are you hugging me?”
“Let’s go back inside. You’re still not well,” Sky said, steering the conversation away from the question as though he genuinely cared.
“I asked what you’re doing, Sky. Why are you hugging me?” Jude repeated.
Jude grabbed Sky’s arms and tried to pry them away from his waist, but Sky refused to let go.
“I am not hugging you,” he said.
Jude’s heart skipped a beat.
“Then what exactly are you doing?”
“I’m just putting my arms around you,” he replied.
Jude had to fight the urge to roll his eyes and shout at him.
“Please don’t disappear like that again,” Sky said quietly, fear evident in his voice.
Jude could not understand him. He could not understand why Sky was suddenly acting this way.
Jude frowned.
“Can you stop whatever this is?” he snapped, irritation creeping into his tone.
He tried to loosen his grip, but Sky was very strong.
“Would you prefer a beating instead?” Sky replied with his usual sarcasm.
“Probably, like you used to,” Jude replied bitterly.
“Do you want me to?”
Even as he spoke, his arms tightened around Jude’s waist, as if loosening his grip for even a second might cause Jude to slip away from him entirely.
“Maybe I’d prefer that…” Jude let out a hollow laugh. “Why don’t you just do it?”
“You’re unbelievable,” Sky muttered. “I’ve already promised I would never hurt you again.”
Jude halted. There was a certainty in his voice that made him freeze. Neither of them spoke for a moment. Jude was utterly muddled. He just could not take his words seriously.
Why was Sky acting like this? Why was he holding me so tightly?
Why did it feel like he suddenly changed?
Why did his words sound so sincere? This was not the Sky he knew.
The nasty remarks and keen edges in his voice were gone, replaced by a gentleness that felt unfamiliar.
And somehow, that confused Jude more than any insult or threat ever could.
“You’re not stuttering when talking to me anymore,” Sky said, as if stuttering was something mandatory.
“Because I’m tired of being afraid,” Jude answered bluntly.
Sky was quiet for a moment.
“Why are you afraid of me?”
“You really shouldn’t be asking me that.”
“I told you, I won’t hurt you anymore,” Sky said softly. “And when I say something, I always mean it.”
“You always hurt me, Sky,” Jude replied.
The words came out without hesitation. Sky was tongue-tied. Jude felt Sky stiffen behind him. Sky’s breathing faltered, as if the accusation had hit somewhere deeper than he expected. But Sky did not let go. His arms remained wrapped around Jude’s waist, holding him just as tightly as before.
“Sometimes, I wonder what your intentions toward me really are. I don’t understand you, Sky.
” Jude’s voice was quiet, weighed down by years of confusion.
“You’ve always beaten me up. You’ve always bullied me.
You’ve always been the one who hurt me the most. You’ve always confused me…
” he trailed off, his thoughts drifting to the moments that refused to leave his mind.
“You’ve been tormenting me since seventh grade,” he continued.
“There has not been a single day since then I’ve gone to school without being afraid of you…
or of everyone else.” he swallowed hard.
“But what confuses me is that you’re also the one who keeps showing up when I least expect it.
You’re always there whenever I fall apart.
You comfort me even when I don’t ask for it.
Somehow, you’re always present during the weakest moments of my life,” Jude let out a shaky breath.
“I should have been long gone now, but you kept saving me from the death I was so desperate to have.”
The rain continued to pour around them. Jude felt droplets landing on his shoulder, but he could not tell whether they came from the storm or from Sky’s. Yet it was very impossible when it came from him.
Sky said nothing.
Then, unexpectedly, he spoke.
“Do you know you’re the only person who makes me nervous?” Sky said softly behind him; his voice was so gentle. “I can’t take this anymore, Jude…” he trailed off. “I’m so scared…”
Jude was completely speechless. His mind had gone blank, unable to form a single coherent thought. From Sky’s trembling words and his crying, something Jude had never witnessed even once before—he knew this was real.
“I’m so terrified of losing you, so please don’t ever think about leaving me…
” Sky pleaded, his voice cracking. “I know I’ve been a complete asshole.
I know I don’t deserve you. But I’m begging you, please don’t think about dying.
Don’t think about suicide or any kind of death.
I can’t afford to lose you, and I don’t know what I’d do if that ever happened… ”
It was the first time Sky had ever begged anyone, and Jude could feel the sincerity in every word.
“I’ve always known I was a coward,” Sky continued. “Hating you was the only way I knew how to stop myself from falling for you.”
The confession hit Jude like a bolt of lightning. He was dumbfounded, convinced for a moment that this had to be another one of Sky’s cruel jokes.
But it was not.
Sky loosened his hold slightly, though he kept his forehead pressed against Jude’s shoulder, refusing to let go.
“But I can’t keep carrying these feelings anymore, Jude,” he whispered. “They’ve been torturing me for more than five years, and I can’t hide them any longer…”
Sky fell silent for a moment, summoning the courage to reveal the truth he had kept hidden for years.
“I hated you because I loved you.”
Suddenly, Jude’s world stopped. Hearing those words coming from his number one enemy felt unbelievable. Despite his high temperature, it felt like he was being dumped with a bucket of ice from what he heard.
“And no matter how hard I try, my heart keeps going back to you. My heart keeps longing for you. My heart keeps looking for you. My heart keeps beating ferociously whenever you are near me. My heart jumps for joy whenever I see you. My heart is home with you, Jude…” Jude felt him swallow hard.
“And all my life, I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. ”