7. Seven
Even though I just started school yesterday, I”m excited I don”t have to sit through any lectures this morning. Instead, I”ll be visiting Calmara; notoriously the most private library in all six kingdoms.
Since Finn will be making house calls to citizens who are too ill or old to visit his apothecary shop, he generously gives Eris the day off so she can join Nyx and I at Calmara. Eris has been wanting to see what lies behind the library doors since she first arrived in Tronovia, but access is rarely given to non-scholars, and never given to foreigners. I”m honestly ecstatic to have her come with us because I”ve been attached to Nyx for an entire day and he”s far too observant for his own good. Especially when it concerns me and Atlas.
The carriage ride to the northern side of the crescent city is peaceful. At some point the hustle and bustle of the city dies down and the tall, colorful buildings fade from view. Majestic pine trees stretch up to the heavens on either side of the cobblestone road. I can hear the birds chirping, the waves splashing in the bay, and the houses become larger and more elegant the further we go. I know from speaking with the Harland brothers that their parents live at the northernmost tip of the crescent city, which is where the elite and most wealthy Tronovians reside. But before we can get close to the edge of the kingdom, our driver steers our buggy left and away from the harbor, up a tree-filled hill, until we find the smooth, black stone that forms Calmara glistening under the sun”s rays.
Calmara is nothing short of expansive. The library stretches across the top of the hill and if dropped in the middle of the city would most likely take up several city blocks. Our driver pulls up to the entrance and brings the horses to a halt.
My mind is racing, and my heart is thundering inside my chest. Not only am I about to enter the largest library in Dalerin, but my feet will tread where no Midorian has been before – where most Tronovians will never have clearance to enter – and I”ll be that much closer to finding answers about who I really am.
The double doors are propped open when we arrive and as we enter, my jaw drops. Looking straight down the expanse of the library, it”s truly larger than I could have ever imagined. The polished wooden floors run the length of the library and fifty feet above us, the arched wooden ceiling runs the same distance. The aroma of ancient books fills my nostrils and makes my stomach flip in excitement. I can”t wait to explore every inch of this legendary library.
Calmara, though extremely long, consists of only two floors and the second level is open to the main aisle with respective arched ceilings and openings peeking into each bookshelf. The library runs vertically while the bookshelves on either side of the aisle are horizontally placed. Built supremely symmetrical in nature, it looks like each bookshelf on the first floor has the bookshelf from the second floor directly on top of it. There are wooden spindled railings that stand around hip height on the second floor, safe-guarding scholars slipping in and out of the clearings.
As we walk down the main aisle, I notice by each bookend on the first floor, there are alabaster busts sitting atop polished wooden pillars with gold name plates glinting in the light that pours in through the windows. I”m not sure if the busts are fashioned after rulers, scholars, or magic wielders, but I make note in my head to ask Eris who some of them are once we settle in. Right now, I don”t want to miss a thing by asking questions.
Mahogany desks large enough for four people are stationed throughout the main aisle and some smaller tables are tucked away toward the windows at the far ends of the bookshelves.
”Where are we going?” I ask Nyx.
”To see the Master of Literature. She will direct us to the right section to find what you”re looking for.”
”What do I even say to her? Do I just ask her to find books that will help me figure out who I am?” I shudder, the embarrassment already creeping into my soul. ”I”m going to sound insane.”
”Just ask her for books on Celestial magic to start.” Nyx drapes his arm around my shoulders and squeezes. ”Or ask for books pertaining to light magic. You”ve got to start somewhere, Kitarni, and I highly doubt you”ll find what you”re looking for the first few visits.”
Nyx is right, but I don”t openly admit that. He doesn”t need the ego boost when he”s already floating around the library.
I nod in agreement as we make our way to a circular reception desk half-way down the main drag. The marble counter is clear of clutter, with the exception of a black service bell and a gold-plated name plaque with the name Penelope Blackwater prominently displayed. Resting my elbows on the counter, I wait quietly for someone to appear, but no one does.
”What are we waiting for?” I ask them.
”Oh.” Eris clicks her tongue. ”I think we have to ring the bell to signal the Master of Literature.”
I look at the service bell and tap the top, letting the melodic alert ring through the silent as a graveyard space. I”m not sure who I expected the Master of Literature to be, but I definitely didn”t expect a broad-shouldered woman standing about four feet tall to abandon her work in one of the aisles to make her way to the half-moon reception desk and greet us.
”Welcome to Calmara.” She smiles and the corners of her eyes crinkle. ”I am Penelope Blackwater, Master of Literature. Tell me what you seek, and I will point you in the right direction.”
Too stunned to speak, I just stare at her. I”ve heard tales about Dwarves and even saw a few of them at a distance in Bava, but I haven”t been this close to one of them before. Her wild, short brown curls are clipped on the sides, keeping hair off her pale face so I can see her piercing blue eyes. She eyes me just as curiously as I do her and for a few seconds, we say nothing. It isn”t until Nyx clears his throat that I”m released from whatever hypnotizing spell I”m under.
I open my mouth to apologize for blatantly staring at her, but she blurts in reverential awe, ”You must be the half-blood everyone is talking about!”
I crinkle my nose. ”Half-blood?”
”It means mixed,” Eris quickly explains. ”You aren”t a full-blooded Frost Elf.”
”Do you truly possess the magic of the Celestials?” It”s hard to miss the excitement in the Master of Literature”s tone, but I nod, spurring her to clap her hands together twice. ”This is truly wondrous. I was told you might come visit our library, but in truth, I never expected to see you here at Calmara, my lady. Most fire wielders don”t show any interest in our archives, so it is an honor to have you here. What do you need help with? Consider me at your complete disposal.”
I”m used to people fawning over me in Midori, and if I”m being honest, I loved every second of their admiration and adoration, but here, I find it uncomfortable. Not that Penelope Blackwater did anything wrong. People normally compliment or praise me for my physical looks – my hair, my eyes, my dress, my crown, my jewels— but here, whispers about me are circulating, highlighting my rare magic. Magic I still don”t understand or have control over.
”I”m sorry,” the Dwarf groans, slapping her hands to her reddening cheeks. ”I have offended you, and I assure you, my lady, that was not my intent—”
I don”t know if it”s proper, but I reach over the desk and grab her forearm, drawing her gaze and cutting off the rest of her apology. ”There was no offense.” I offer her a reassuring smile. ”I would be grateful for any assistance you can offer.”
Her blue eyes brighten as she bobs her head. ”Anything you need, consider it yours.”
”Do you have any books about the Celestials?”
She smiles and motions us to follow her. ”I will show you where they are.”
Eagerly, we follow the Dwarf, but my intrusive thoughts get the better of me and I say lowly, as to not disturb anyone studying nearby, ”May I ask you a question, Master Blackwater?”
”Oh, please, call me Penelope, Your Highness.”
”Then I insist you call me Shaye.” We exchange a friendly look before I ask, ”Penelope, how did you end up in Tronovia?”
”I was born here,” she says simply. ”My parents left Durne when the Mad King was in power.”
”Mad King?” I don”t recall hearing about him during my lessons. Penelope nods as we trek toward the grand staircase at the far end of the library.
”King Valdemar Argyle was said to have heard voices whispering to him. Paranoia consumed him, fully believing those closest to him were looking to supplant him. He ordered all of his advisors, personal guards, and even his own children to be executed for conspiring against him.” We continue our way up the wide wooden staircase with a forest-green runner. ”My father was one of his advisors and in the middle of the night, he and my mother escaped Durne. The Tronovians accepted hundreds of Dwarves looking for refuge. It wasn”t until the Mad King was assassinated years later that misplaced Dwarves returned to the Mountain Kingdom. My family, however, stayed. We”d made a life for ourselves here and I was doing well in school. I worked hard, studied harder, and made my way up the ranks until I was named Master of Literature.”
”I hadn”t heard of him before,” I hang on to every word she speaks like it”s a juicy morsel of food. ”Who assassinated him?”
”His wife,” she says in obvious glee. ”Most of the Mad King”s children and even his wife went into hiding, biding their time and avoiding the executioner”s axe. But the second born of his four sons, and rumored to be his father”s favorite, grew tired of waiting and abandoned safety to meet with the king. Prince Greer tried to reason with his father, but he was too far gone, consumed and blinded by his paranoia, and drove a knife straight through his son”s heart.
”The queen never forgave and never forgot what her husband had done to their son, and when the opportunity presented itself, she sneaked back into the mountain and slit her husband”s throat as he slept. She made sure her eldest son, Prince Torben, took the throne. He was the one who led the Dwarven army against Drogon and his demons. Once the war ended, he made amends with the Dwarves that his father had run off and persecuted. He still sits on the throne to this day.”
”Wow!” I can”t help my reaction. I”ve never heard the Dwarven history before and it sounds like something straight out of a novel. ”In spite of everything that happened, you and your family chose to stay here. Why?”
”Tronovia is my home,” she smiles up at me. ”And I love Calmara far too much to leave.”
”Thank you for sharing your story with me, Penelope.”
”Thank you for listening.”
We finally make it to the top of the steps when a stunning woman with blonde hair pulled back in a long ponytail appears from one of the rows, a stack of books piled in her arms. She is wearing the same dark green robes as Penelope, except her uniform doesn”t have the same symbols across the chest. The woman”s forearms tremble from the weight of the books and Nyx slides up beside her, offering to help.
”This is Cleo,” Penelope introduces. ”She is one of our brightest scribes and is assigned upstairs today. If you need anything and I”m not available, feel free to ask her for assistance.”
”It would be my honor to assist you,” Cleo”s breathy voice is soothing, and I dare say hypnotizes Nyx.
”The section you”re looking for is this way.” Penelope rounds the bend and treks back toward the opposite side of the library through the endless rows of bookshelves that nearly touch the wooden ceiling. Sliding ladders are waiting to be climbed and my inner child wants so badly to ride one, just for fun.
I turn to tease Nyx for how he was drooling over Cleo, but he”s not with us. He”s still at the top of the staircase, holding Cleo”s stack of books. I catch him flash her a devilish grin and she giggles, covering her mouth. I roll my eyes. He just can”t help himself.
We walk a few more minutes before our Dwarven guide cuts a hard left and walks halfway down the aisle. She waves a hand up and down the bookshelf, a proud smile stretching across her face.
”Here you are,” she taps a few spines. ”This section contains all the material we have about the Celestials.”
”Thank you so much for your help.” I start reading the titles on the spines, itching to finally find some answers.
”I will leave you to it.”
Penelope excuses herself, leaving me and Eris to peruse the shelves upon shelves of tomes about the Celestials. Agreeing to split up, I take the first row and Eris takes the next one. There are several leather-bound books so ancient, I”m afraid if I breathe too harshly they might disintegrate. Leaving those for when I can ask Penelope to handle them, I head further down the row, placing my fingertips on the bindings as I walk. Foolishly, I hope that I can sense what book I need to grab similarly to how I sense Enver Sol. Maybe he will guide me, so I will find the answers I seek.
A scarlet spine snatches my attention, forcing me to stop. I tilt my head slightly to read the horizontally printed title: Love in All Forms. Letting my curiosity get the better of me, I slide it off the shelf and crack the volume open. My eyes widen at the graphic picture I flip to featuring a naked a man and woman. His fingers are inside her core and her mouth is open, as if she”s silently screaming in ecstasy. I turn the page and the same couple is in a different position. She is on all fours, and he is penetrating her from behind, a fist in her hair, pulling her head back.
My cheeks flush and my belly heats. How many positions are featured in this book? It”s a thick edition so my mind almost can”t comprehend what secret information is inside.
In Midori, all I was ever taught about sexual intimacy was that it was only used for reproduction. Of course, I heard the servants talking when they thought I wasn”t around about some of their explicit encounters, but never in my wildest dreams did I realize one could do the deed in so many different ways.
I flip back to the first picture I found of the man with his fingers inside his partner”s core and can”t help but wonder why he”s doing that. I know how babies are conceived and through the fingers isn”t how it”s done. But when I stare at the woman”s face, all I see is pleasure and something deep within me wishes I knew what that felt like.
Bastian and I shared many secret kisses, but one time he lost control and slipped a hand down the front of my dress to cup one of my breasts. I remember how sensational it felt to have his fingers graze across my nipple, how my core pulsed in excitement, but we never took it further than that. Bastian quickly realized what he had done and apologized for taking things too far. I wished at the time he hadn”t stopped, and he would have shown me exactly what his body could do to mine, but I never brought it up again, fearing he would judge me for desiring more.
My mind wanders to Atlas and how it felt to have his lips against mine. How my heart stutters each and every time he places his hands on either side of me, pinning me against a wall. The magnetic force between us isn”t lost on me. I know I have never felt drawn to Bastian the way I”m drawn to Atlas, and I think that”s what scares me most. I want him, but I know I don”t I deserve him.
I glance at the picture once more and I imagine Atlas” fingers curled inside of me. Involuntarily, I shudder at the thought of his shadows slipping over my skin, his lips pressed against my neck, him whispering sweet praises in my ear until I –
”What did you find?” Eris” voice startles me, and I slam the book shut, noticing too late that my hands are glowing.
”Nothing,” I croak, and my cheeks flush. I feel like a child that was caught in their mother”s jewelry box and now I”ll have no choice but to explain why my hands are glowing. ”My hands – ”
”Glow when you think of Atlas?” she interrupts me with a grin, and my suspicions that Nyx told her about my lesson with his brother are confirmed. When I don”t respond, she turns her focus to the book I”m still holding. Her left eyebrow arches, her curiosity officially piqued. ”Does that say,” she squints, trying to catch a glimpse of the spine, ”Love in All Forms?”
I groan knowing there”s no denying what I have and extend the tome to her. ”To be fair, I had no idea what was inside when I opened it.”
Eris takes ahold of the book and flips through the weathered beige pages. There are countless more graphic sketches inside, different positions, more intimate acts, and I feel my stomach heat when I see a woman on her knees before a man, her hands around his hardened length and her tongue stroking his rounded tip.
”Have you not seen one of these books before?” Eris asks, genuinely interested, and without a shred of judgment.
I shake my head and fiddle with my braid. ”No.”
”I know this is a very personal question,” she closes the book, and I think I already know what she”s about to ask, ”but are you…experienced?”
Embarrassment creeps through my body. I know she isn”t trying to make me uncomfortable, but I can”t help but feel ashamed of my experiences with Bastian. I”m a princess, the heir to the Midorian throne, and I”m expected to hold myself to higher standards than everyone else. To admit I am not blemish free is a vulnerable and slightly mortifying thought.
My silence must stretch for too long because Eris says, ”You don”t have to answer, if it makes you uncomfortable, Shaye. I”m here if you have questions about anything though.” Another moment of complete silence stews between us and I can”t bring myself to look her in the eyes. In my peripheral, I notice she lifts the book to place back on the shelf and without thinking I reach out and grab her wrist.
”Promise you won”t judge me.”
”I”m not here to judge you, Shaye,” she reassures me. ”That”s not what a friend does.”
Her kind blue eyes flood me with a sense of safety. I exhale and admit, ”Bastian and I have kissed and once he…” I risk a peek at her and she”s listening intently. ”I know intimacy is meant for reproduction only, but once he slipped his hands down the front of my dress and I liked how it felt to have his hands in such a forbidden place.”
She doesn”t say anything immediately and just as I”m considering sprinting out of the aisle to find a nice corner to wail in sheer embarrassment, she takes my hand and pulls me toward the table at the end of the row, next to the window. She places the book on the desk and sits next to me.
”Shaye, you have nothing to be ashamed of,” she lifts a hand to silence me when I go to protest. ”Sex isn”t just for reproduction, it”s for pleasure as well. There”s nothing wrong with liking how it felt when Bastian touched you.”
”But I”m a princess, I should – ”
”You”re a woman, first and foremost.” Eris grabs the tome, flips it open, and lands on a sketch of a man sitting on the edge of a mattress with a woman sitting on top of his lap. One of her nipples is in his mouth, while his hands grip her ass, and her head is thrown back in elation. ”You have needs and feelings and desires. There is nothing wrong with that.”
I open my mouth to say something, anything, in response, but nothing comes out.
”And there is certainly nothing wrong with thinking of Atlas in that way.” Her comment makes me choke on my own saliva and I start coughing loudly. Eris gently pats my back, glancing around the room to see if any of the scribes come to fuss at us for the noise I”m making, but fortunately, none of them poke their heads around the corner and I”m able to get my coughing fits under control.
”Eris, I don”t think of him…” My attempts to deny that I”ve thought of him in that way die on the tip of my tongue, because I know she knows the truth. ”These damn hands,” I grumble. ”I need to figure out how to control them from glowing.”
Eris giggles. ”When Nyx told me about you two yesterday, I was so jealous I wasn”t there to witness it. Nyx has all the damn fun.”
”What am I supposed to do?” I rub the heels of my palms across my eyes.
”About your hands glowing or the fact you want to bone Atlas?”
I snap my head up to meet her mischievous grin. ”Eris Talay!” I laugh, completely caught off guard. ”You have a filthy mouth.”
”It tends to happen once you”ve lived with the brothers long enough,” she shrugs, as a smile tugs across her face. ”Now, I know we came here to look at history tomes, but I think this is more important.” She slips out of her seat.
”Where are you going?”
”To grab more books,” she says flippantly as she makes her way back down the row and snags a few more books. She quickly makes her way back with a stack of six new volumes and drops them on our table. Her blue eyes are dancing in delight. ”Now, the fun begins.”
For the next thirty minutes, Eris and I look through the sketches and read countless descriptions of sexual acts. Some of the images make me blush, but some of them defy all sense of logic. I don”t know how some people can get into certain positions and still find it pleasurable. I”m completely lost in these books until I hear footsteps approaching fast. When Eris and I glance up from our reading material we see Nyx pass by before doubling back, having caught sight of us. There”s a panic in his eyes that makes my heart skip a beat.
”Is something wrong?” I ask, hoping he isn”t bearing bad news.
”I stop to talk to someone for one second and when I turn around you two are missing.” He removes the worn toothpick from his mouth and replaces it with a fresh one. ”I”ve spent the last twenty minutes looking all over this place for you. Do you know what would have happened to me, if I had to tell Atlas and Finn I lost you?” he shudders.
”Well, if you hadn”t been so enamored with that blonde scribe, then maybe you wouldn”t be panicking right now,” Eris shoots back, flipping to the next page of the book in front of her.
Nyx waves a hand in the air. ”We aren”t here to attack Nyx. The point is…” He catches a glimpse of one of the graphic pictures and lets his gaze wander across our table. ”Are those…” his eyes widen in amusement. ”Are those sex books?”
”We were originally looking for books on the Celestials but got distracted,” Eris winks at me and I can”t help the nervous giggle that escapes my lips.
”You got distracted? By penis pictures?”
Eris swats at him and he dodges her flimsy attack. ”How about you say that a little bit louder, Nyx, I don”t think everyone in Calmara heard you.”
Nyx makes his way to the opposite side of the table, flips a chair around and straddles it before he starts skimming through one of the books and laughs. ”Listen, if you want to know about sex, just ask.”
”Ask who?” I look at him. ”You?”
He presses a hand to his chest. ”You wound me, Kitarni. Yes, me.”
I quirk an eyebrow and set my tome down to give him my full and undivided attention. ”And why would we ask you?”
”I happen to be very good at two things.” He ticks off two fingers as he says, ”Fighting and pleasing women. So, ask your questions.”
I crinkle my nose, side-eyeing Eris beside me. ”Wouldn”t that be weird?”
Nyx throws his arms up wide. ”Why would it be weird? Sex is a natural part of life.” The grin that snakes across his face screams of wickedness. ”And you should know by now that I don”t get embarrassed easily.”
I take a moment to consider his offer and decide to take him up on it, but before I can ask a question, he holds up a hand to silence me.
”But I swear to the Father, if you ask me any sex related questions about my brothers, I”ll flip this table and walk out.”
Eris roots her elbows to the desk and leans forward. ”What happened to not being embarrassed easily?” she teases.
”Sex is not an embarrassing subject, but when it comes to my brothers, it”s a gross one, and one I refuse to have,” he snips back. ”Now that we”ve set some ground rules, let”s have it, Kitarni. I can see a million questions swimming in that head of yours.”
”Does it hurt?”
At that, both Nyx and Eris still in their seats. Neither one answers immediately, and that speaks louder than any words.
I nod my head, but then Eris says, ”My situation was obviously different, but Hydrans are very open about sex, especially when a couple consummates a marriage. If you have the right partner, the first time you”re together it might be uncomfortable, but it shouldn”t cause you extreme pain.”
My cheeks heat and I grab her hand and squeeze. ”I”m sorry, Eris.”
”I”ve made peace with what happened to me,” she reassures me. ”I still have hope that I will find someone to spend the rest of my life with and have that pleasurable experience.”
My eyes slide over to Nyx who bobs his head. ”Any man worth a damn will put your needs before his own.”
Feeling like my question put a damper on the lightheartedness, I let loose a breath and say, ”So much for research.”
Smiles and chuckles circulate as the duration of our visit to Calmara is spent with our noses buried in sex books. Nyx and Eris answer whatever questions I throw their way and by the time I lay my head on my pillow that night, all I dream about is Atlas.