Chapter 9 #2
He came to a stop in front of me, studying my face intently. “You need me to lay everything out for you?” His voice was soft, almost soothing, and there was a look of understanding in his eyes that I hated. This was a version of him I hadn’t seen before. I wondered how many faces he had.
Refusing to be taken in by it, I raised my chin. “Yes. Tell me how it’s going to work.”
“Alright.” He paced away from me, staying in front of me this time.
My shoulders relaxed a fraction.
“Your powers—Sorry.” He held up a hand before I could object. “Curse. Your curse is something you’re afraid of.”
“How do you know that?” I asked.
“I can feel it. Empathy is part of my powers, so that I can help souls work through their shadows.”
“That’s how you manipulate souls,” I said, understanding dawning. It was almost a relief to be able to openly accuse him of it. “You use their emotions against them.”
“I don’t manipulate anyone,” he said, his expression fierce enough to drive me back a step.
“I can influence souls by magnifying or minimizing what they’re feeling.
If an emotion is overwhelming, I can diminish it and help them find calm or safety.
If they are unable to connect with an emotion, I can enhance it until they can.
I only use it when working with souls. Or with consent. ”
“You didn’t ask for my consent.” I crossed my arms.
“I shut out what those around me are feeling most of the time, but sometimes I can’t. When someone is feeling a strong emotion, it can cut through my shields despite my best efforts.” He arched one eyebrow, giving me a pointed look. “I’m not actively using it on you.”
My cheeks heated. “So, when you saw me in the Presentation Room…”
“Your fear was intense. I wasn’t able to block it out.”
I looked down at my hands, almost expecting them to start glowing. They didn’t. “But you will be using that part of your powers in our lessons.”
He was silent until I looked up and met his gaze. “If you consent, yes.”
I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to delve into what I was feeling, to face my fears.
I didn’t want him using his powers on me.
Opening myself up to more of his influence felt like the stupidest thing I could do, but I was already bound to him by our deal.
It would last until I could gain control of my curse, and I wanted that to happen as soon as possible. “Is there another way?”
“Yes. Trial and error. It will take much longer because I won’t be able to help you as much if you don’t want me to sense your emotions, but the choice is yours. I won’t force you.” He looked so sincere.
“You think the key to gaining control of my curse is in my emotions? Convenient, given your powers.” He’d trapped me in this deal, knowing I needed him to get out of it. This was why I couldn’t trust anything he said or let him lull me into thinking he had my best interests at heart.
He stared at me for so long I wondered if he’d been struck mute.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.
“I’m trying to figure out a way to convince you that I mean you no harm, but I’m not sure there is one.” His disappointment was tangible.
I almost felt bad, but that would be stupid. He was just trying to manipulate me.
“Call on your curse,” he said.
“Right now?” My mouth went dry.
“Yes. Make your hands glow.”
My heartbeat pulsed at the base of my throat and my forehead felt clammy. I clenched my fists to get a grip. This was what I was here for. Swallowing hard, I closed my eyes and searched for that hole in my chest the light came from. It was nowhere to be found.
I thought back to how the light had felt, the raw potential and destructive power of it, hoping to summon it. Still nothing. Fuck. How could I control it if I couldn’t even locate it?
“You can’t access it, can you?” I flinched at the Devil’s voice, and my eyes flew open. He looked almost smug.
“No,” I gritted out.
“Your fear of your curse is keeping you from connecting with it. I’ve seen it countless times in the souls I work with.
Fear keeps them from moving forward. The only way through is to figure out what’s behind it so you can face it and loosen its hold on you.
It’s hard and painful, and it requires time and patience, but it works. ”
I wrapped my arms around myself. I didn’t have time or patience. I was a walking catastrophe waiting to happen, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
“I know what it’s like to have something you don’t understand take over your body, how terrifying it is.” His voice was gentle. “I can help you, the way I help the souls in my care, Maeve, if you’ll let me.”
“You use your powers to make souls relive their worst nightmares over and over. That’s what people say.” The idea of letting the Devil in like that made me shiver. I wished again there was another way, that I didn’t need him.
“Of course they do. Facing your shadows isn’t fun, but it’s only a recurring nightmare if you don’t move through them.” The look he gave me was far too knowing for my comfort. “I speak from personal experience.”
“You?”
“Even the Devil has nightmares.”
The connection between us twinged with pain, and my resistance crumbled.
If there were other options, I couldn’t see them.
He was right about one thing, the only way out of my deal with him was through whatever I was afraid of.
Delaying was only making me more anxious.
Besides, I was no stranger to emotional pain. I could handle whatever he threw at me.
“How will you do it?” I asked. “How will you help me work through my fear?”
“I can see your shadows by looking into your eyes. I will tease them out and give them physical form when we work together, so that you can explore them piece by piece. I’ll help you figure out what you’re feeling and be there to calm you when things get rough. We’ll go as slow as you need.”
“Do you need to look in my eyes, or can you use the thread of connection between us forged by our deal?” My voice hardened a bit.
“You feel that?” His eyebrows rose.
“So you knew it was there.”
“Yes. The oath we took bound us together, to make sure that we both fulfill our end of the deal. Like I told you.” He had. I remembered.
“But you left out the part where we would be literally connected.”
He sighed, like I was a troublesome child. “I didn’t think to tell you because usually I’m the only one who can feel it. I’m sorry.”
I pressed my lips together. His explanation made sense, and it matched with what I’d assumed about our connection, but the fact that I was different bothered me. “Do you think it’s because of my curse?”
“Yes.”
Yet another reason for me to get a handle on it. I pulled my shoulders back a fraction. No more stalling. I needed to get through this. But first, “What should I call you?”
“What do you mean?” He frowned.
“If I need to get your attention, how do I address you?”
“Call me Fen.”
“I’m not calling you that.” That wasn’t who he was.
The skin around his eyes tightened a fraction. “That’s what people call me.”
I glared at him as I considered the options. I called Death ‘my goddess’ but calling him ‘my god’ sounded wrong to my ears. ‘Devil’ also felt wrong somehow. “How about ‘sir’?”
The flare of heat in his eyes, and the way his hands fisted at his sides gave me a swooping sensation in my stomach. I opened my mouth to take it back.
“Since you insist,” he said with a smirk.
My mouth snapped shut, and I internally cursed, resolving to use it as little as possible. “We should get started.”
“Do you consent to—”
“Yes, I consent to you stomping around in my head and in my feelings. Can we get on with this?” I waved my hand between us.
He shook his head. “As you wish.”