Chapter 10
Itried not to fidget or think about the fact that the Devil was about to dig around in my head for my deepest, darkest fears as he stepped in front of me. Submitting myself to his influence was a means to an end.
“Close your eyes for a moment,” he said.
My jaw clenched but I did as he asked.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax as much as you can. A little more with every breath. Take as long as you need.” His words brought back memories of that night on the balcony, when he’d talked me down from the panic that had held me tight.
I felt safe with him then. Pushing aside our current situation, I let the memory of that feeling filter through my body until my muscles softened.
“Good, Maeve. You’re doing beautifully. One more breath, deep as you can.” His voice took on a hypnotic quality, pulling me along, coaxing me into following his instructions. “Now, open your eyes and look into mine.”
My eyelids fluttered open, and I found myself snared by his gaze. The brown in his eyes darkened as the gold flecks swirled. The movement was mesmerizing, pulling me deeper and deeper.
“Think about the first time your hands glowed. Tell me how it happened.”
“I was in my assessment. I’d placed the soul pieces on the scale and was looking at the weights to figure out what sentence I deserved.” The words came easily, and it felt so good to say them, to unburden myself that I surrendered to the impulse.
“What did you decide on?”
“That I didn’t deserve to be loved. And then my hands started to glow.”
“What did it feel like?” he asked.
“Like something erupted in my chest and hot tingles ran down my arm. It felt the same as when I transferred Colt’s death to my family. It’s how I knew it was my curse.”
“That’s good, Maeve. Thank you for telling me.”
I shivered a little at his praise.
“What happened the next time?” he asked.
“I was bringing tea to the Presentation Room for your meeting with Death. I saw Bea in the hall outside. She was talking to other trainees. They looked like a group of friends. I wanted to be one of them, but I knew I never could be.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a danger to others. I’m cursed.”
“Is that when your hands started to glow?” he asked.
“Yes. It felt the same as the time before, except it came on faster.”
“Very good, Maeve.”
A different kind of warmth filled my chest at his praise, soft and pleasant.
“Now stay still,” he continued, “and keep looking at me until I tell you otherwise.”
The color in his eyes deepened to black, the gold flecks disappearing, but his gaze kept me captive as he stepped back. Raising his hand, he pointed at my face. Then he hooked his fingers, and I felt a tug. Fisting his hand, he pulled, and something spiked and dark left me.
“You can look away now.”
I blinked several times, my eyesight blurry. When the room came back into focus, a swirling mass of black with jagged edges hovered between us. The room was dark, but the mass was even darker. It seemed to consume any light that touched it.
“What is that?” I asked.
“A physical manifestation of your fear.”
Sneaking a peek at him, my lips parted. His eyes were still wholly black, and he seemed larger, broader, the way he had when I watched him claim a soul for his Dungeon.
Before, I’d thought it a trick of the light but, standing only feet from him now, I had to tilt my head further back to look up at him.
It was… not as frightening as it should be.
My mouth went a little dry before I mentally shook myself and refocused on the swirling mass of my fear in front of me.
“It’s so dense.”
He nodded. “That’s a good description of it.”
“I thought it would take the shape of the thing I’m afraid of.”
“Fear doesn’t work quite like that. It has layers. The outer ones are indistinct. Diffuse.” He gestured to the dark mass. “As we get closer to the center, it will take a recognizable shape. Sometimes it’s a physical thing, or a person, or a memory. Sometimes it’s more of a vague concept.”
My hands went cold thinking about what was in there. “So, how do we get to whatever is in the middle?”
“We’ll peel back a layer at a time until we reach the center. Are you ready?”
I drew a thin breath and nodded.
“Come and stand in front of it,” he said. “I’m going to stand right next to you.”
“What do you want me to do?” I felt him tasting my emotions, a sort of draw through the thread that connected us, but I kept my focus on the dark mass in front of me. The only way out was through the heart of it, and I wanted out now.
“You’re going to touch your fear. Put your hand into it and then tell me what you feel.”
The words were barely out of his mouth before I plunged my hand into the center of it.
It was nothing like I expected. The swirling mass was thick, almost viscous. It felt like heavy air, something I could walk through. My hand tingled in a way that reminded me of my visions. And then the mass turned cold.
I gasped as grief flooded through me. Tears sprang to my eyes. It was so intense that my knees buckled.
Strong hands caught me and an arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me into a hard chest, holding me upright. “You’re doing well.” I could feel the Devil’s warm breath on my neck. “If you need to stop just remove your hand.”
I shook my head, tears sliding down my cheeks.
“Okay. Name the emotion you’re feeling for me, Maeve.”
“Grief.” I choked the word out.
“Good. Can you tell where it’s coming from, or something that it’s connected to? Maybe a flicker of a memory?”
Taking a shaky breath, I closed my eyes and searched my body and mind, but there was nothing but grief. Rivers of it, so much that I felt I might drown. “No.”
“That’s okay. Pull your hand back. You’ve done really well for your first time.” He tried to ease me back, but I tensed and shook him off.
“No. Not yet.”
“Maeve, it’s okay that you didn’t sense anything. These things take time.” He didn’t touch me again, but I felt him hovering behind me.
I didn’t have time. I needed more. He said there was more here. I just had to figure out how to access it.
As if it sensed my determination, the darkness in front of me flickered, and in the split second that it lit up I saw something. It wasn’t clear enough for me to make out, but there was something there. Something inside.
“Did you…?” he asked.
Ignoring him, I concentrated on my hand where it touched the darkness. I could still feel the grief, but as I moved my hand in a little further, it turned to anger. Hot and sticky, it roared through me. I felt a small wave of satisfaction as well.
“Maeve, talk to me. What are you doing?”
“I’m getting somewhere.”
“Okay, tell me what you’re feeling.” Unease trickled down the thread connecting us.
“Anger.”
“Can you tell what it’s connected to?”
I didn’t close my eyes this time. I didn’t need to.
“Sort of. It’s coming from whatever’s at the heart of this, but the anger is just a small part of it.
The grief, too.” Now that I was closer to it, I could sense how much larger the whole was than just these two emotions.
How much heavier. I inched my hand in a little more, and the anger turned to terror.
“Maeve, I know you want to make more progress, but you need to stop.” He put a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Pushing through can be counterproductive. You need to learn to trust yourself, and that takes time. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”
Easy for him to say. He didn’t care how long this took.
I didn’t want to go any further, but the only way out was through.
Whatever was waiting for me in there, I had to face it.
Tonight. Tomorrow. Months from now. The idea of having to come back to it, over and over, only getting bits and pieces at a time, of not knowing where or when it would end, made my skin crawl.
Plus, I didn’t want to be trapped in our deal any longer than necessary. I couldn’t wait. I had to know.
How did I get to the middle of my fear?
As if in answer, my hands started to glow, and this time I felt the light flowing from the center of my chest. Instead of a deluge, it was a steady flow.
The Devil let go of me as if he’d been burned.
My light split the dark mass in front of me, a hole opening up around the hand I had submerged in it. Through the opening, I saw something moving. I leaned in, trying to see more.
“Maeve. Stop.” His voice resonated with a command I felt as a compulsion.
The flow of light slowed, my hands dimming, and the hole I’d opened started to close. The jagged dark mass in front of me started to shrink. My shoulders tensed. I needed more. Shaking him off, I instinctively wrapped a mental hand around the light and yanked.
“Maeve.”
My hand lit up like a star. The dark mass around it pulsed once. Then it spiraled outward until it exploded in a blinding flash.
When I opened my eyes, I was standing in the back garden of my family home.
My eyes stung as I took in the familiar sight—the manicured lawn, my mother’s flower beds along the sides with my favorite irises brighter than the rest, the tall trees screening it from the outside, the back of the house in the distance, and the graveled area in front of my father’s office where I stood next to Colt.
I looked down at my glowing hands and then back up in confusion. I was looking at another version of myself. A younger version. My heart sank as I realized what I was watching.
“I never expected you to be this gullible and naive, Maeve. You thought someone like me could be interested in someone like you.” Colt eyed her with disgust. “Your father’s merchant ring was the only thing I wanted.”
“Maeve,” the Devil said. “You need to let go. You’re not ready to watch this.”
I felt a tug at the center of my chest, as if the light I was holding was trying to wriggle out of my grasp, but I clamped down. “I am ready.” I’d replayed this memory many times, but I’d never seen it like this. I couldn’t look away. I wouldn’t flinch from what I’d done.