Chapter 37 #2
“Yes.” Fen looked at the floor again, unable to meet my gaze.
“I needed to feed more and more, and it was harder and harder to hide. Colt arrived in the Dungeon not long after you fled Death’s castle.
I chose to feed on him, in part because his self-loathing is strong enough that I don’t have to take much to satisfy a craving, but also, I was angry at him for what he’d done to you, so I didn’t care about hurting him.
I’m not proud of it, but I don’t seem to be able to maintain a level head where you’re concerned. ” His eyes finally met mine.
My stomach fluttered at his words. I’d never had someone want to defend me like that. Colt didn’t deserve it, but I wasn’t sorry. “Why didn’t you tell me all of this?” I thought I knew the answer, but I needed to hear him say it.
“I was afraid you’d leave.” He looked stricken.
I nodded. “Like Talia did when she found out.”
“What?” His brow creased in confusion.
“After I found you with Colt, when I broke through your wall…” I winced at the memory. “I saw a memory of yours. Talia found you feeding, like I did, when she was still a Tempter.”
He closed his eyes for a moment. “I hoped I’d imagined you’d seen that.” The naked vulnerability in his voice made me want to go to him, but I resisted.
I needed to understand, and if I touched him I feared we’d get caught up in each other and the conversation would be over. “How did I see it?”
“My addiction to power is one reason why I kept so much from you, but it’s not the only reason.” He swallowed. “The further into my power you delve, the more of myself I have to share with you.”
My breath stalled in my lungs. Surely, I’d misunderstood him. “You mean—”
“Sharing power with you also shares my memories. There is no way to choose which ones.”
I stood, needing to move as I absorbed what he’d just said.
If he’d given me access to as much power as I needed, I would have found out about his addiction much sooner, but there was a more pressing problem ahead.
If I used what I needed to face Death, I’d be pulled into his memories while I fought, just as I had been after finding him with Colt.
There was no telling what I’d see. His entire life would be completely exposed.
I’d never given much thought to the effect my drawing of power had on Fen.
To me it was a resource to be used, something he had that I needed.
Simple. Except it wasn’t. I felt stupid for not realizing it sooner.
Of course there was a cost. Now that I understood what I was truly asking from him, I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to pay it.
Honesty was what I’d wanted from him, but this… Being forced to give me access to every part of him without choice was wrong. It felt like a violation. My face burned. How could I have been so heartless? Especially when I made his cravings worse.
It felt like every time I turned around there was an obstacle to us being together.
How could I ask this of him? Despite the fact that the In Between needed us bonded, I didn’t see how we could make this work.
It felt like we were stuck in a giant knot that was impossible to untangle.
Every time one of us pulled on a thread, the whole thing tightened.
I wanted to rage at the Guardian for this cruel twist of fate. For giving us this weight to carry in addition to the already heavy task they’d given me in replacing Death. I was already exhausted, and I hadn’t even completed the third challenge yet.
Fen sank into a chair, his face a mask of misery. He thought I’d decided to leave again. I could feel it in our bond. It brought my spinning thoughts to a screeching halt.
You underestimate yourself. Sasha’s words floated through my mind.
I was doing it again. Just because I couldn’t see a way through didn’t mean there wasn’t one. There were two of us in this. If we were going to be partners, it was time for me to stop trying to solve problems alone.
Fen’s head jerked up in surprise when I plopped into the chair next to him.
“I’m sorry I ran before,” I said. “I should have told you what I needed instead of disappearing.”
“I don’t blame you. You found out in the absolute worst way, and then Titus…”
My eyes traced the lines of his face on the bed. I wished he’d open his eyes and crack a joke to ease the tension, but he lay still. If it weren’t for the black burns on his skin, I could pretend that he was sleeping.
Guilt nearly choked me. I’d been so focused on Fen, I’d pushed what I’d done to Titus aside. It had been depressingly easy. Titus didn’t deserve it.
“It was an accident, Maeve.” Fen said. “He wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up about it.” His hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach for me.
“I know, but I still wish it hadn’t happened. That I’d done something different so that he’d been safe instead of nearly—” I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
“He shouldn’t have been anywhere near you. I know he wanted to help, but it was stupid of him to approach you like that.” Fen looked at Titus with a cross expression, like he wished Titus was awake so he could chastise him for it.
“What do we do?” I asked after a moment of silence. “How do we get through this?”
Fen sat back in his chair, a burst of surprise filtering into our bond. “I don’t know. No one’s ever asked me that before.”
“I understand why you didn’t tell me, but this doesn’t just affect you.”
“It’s my issue.” His tone hardened. “My failing. You don’t—”
“Defeating Death is going to take a lot of power. Far more than you’ve allowed. I hate asking you for it now that I know the effect it has on you, but without it she will win, and the realms will not survive.”
His shoulders slumped in defeat.
“And if I win, and replace Death, things will hopefully rebalance. We’ll share power, which will probably mean you have less of it than you do now. Are you going to be able to deal with that?”
The hand on his leg fisted, his knuckles turning white, and I felt his panic at the thought.
“I know you don’t want to burden me or any of the others with this,” I continued, “but this is not just about you.” I reached over and placed my hand over his to soften my words.
“I’m sorry I can’t be what you, and everyone needs. I wish I could.” His jaw clenched.
“I’m not asking you to fix yourself, Fen, or to fix us right now.”
His gaze was startled when he lifted his eyes to meet mine.
“I’m asking you to let us in so we can help you. We need you to be honest with us about your cravings and how you’re feeling. If you can do that, maybe we can find a way through this. If not…”
“Daphne said something similar,” he said with a small, sheepish smile.
“What did you tell her?”
“I said I would try. I owe it to all of you to try.”