15. Praise
Chapter Fifteen
PRAISE
I sat in my mom's living room trying to put my thoughts together. It had been a while since Beast took over me. It felt like I was watching a movie out of control of what I said or did. Beast was way harsher than me. I saw and heard everything yet couldn’t control anything.
The way Kayori handled Beast made me realize how much I needed somebody like her in my corner.
I didn’t want to toss all of my problems on her, and not help her with her own number of things she needed help with.
She embraced all of me, even that dark side of me that I thought nobody wanted to deal with.
She didn’t look at me with judgment, all I saw was compassion in those pretty brown eyes of hers.
Kayori was currently at her mom's house cleaning it and preparing for our evening that I had planned for her at the beach.
I kind of hate that we had to leave Cali today.
I wanted to actually catch up on shit out here then chill with Kayori all night long.
I understood we had an event to go to though, it meant a lot to her to make her best friend's grand opening. I had Stone come out here, I had finally placed the house I once shared with Nia for sale. It was a property that I needed to let go. Stone was going to pick up the check, get it deposited in my business account then meet back up with me at my mom’s house.
I also wanted to have an emergency meeting at my warehouse with all my street runners.
I wanted out of the game, yet I didn’t have anyone I saw fit to run things just yet.
I would have handed the shit to Stone; he had already declined before I offered it to him.
He had a baby on the way so I already knew he was on the same shit I was on.
Some niggas wanted to be in this shit forever.
For me, I got all I needed out of the game.
Now it was time to really live and be a real businessman.
I needed to focus on my health and my mental and being a good father to Mattea.
My mind went to Kayori and how she handled herself when it came to Laquanna.
Most females ran the other way when they were faced with Laquanna.
Kayori held her own shit down, all that timid, quiet good girl shit went out the window when she discovered how bold Laquanna was popping up at her house.
I wanted to strangle her myself, I had vowed not to ever put hands on another female.
I was not raised that way; I couldn’t lie when Kayori put hands on her it made my dick super hard.
Laquanna was my trigger in the worse way.
Every time she came around, she tried her hardest to bring the worse out of me.
People didn’t know what folks like me battled with.
How many times I save her life, Beast tried so many times to come out and take over just to kill her.
The voice was very adamant on voicing in my head that she was a traitor.
All it took was for her to get so angry that I found somebody that was finally not scared of her ass.
She didn’t know what else to say so she made up the most fucked up shit.
That sent Beast in overdrive. Lately, I’ve been having dreams of Nia being alive and people close to me either killing me.
I knew that was the mental part of me, the sane part of me knew Nia couldn’t possibly be alive.
She had a huge funeral, which is why I sat patiently waiting for my mom to get back home.
I had a very important question to ask her since she went to Nia’s funeral and was allowed inside.
Her bitch ass family had the police waiting for me.
I never got to say my goodbye to Nia the proper way.
The bottom of my stomach tightened when my mom walked in the door.
She looked surprised to see me. She smiled, then stepped out of her Gucci loafers and took a seat right across from me.
“What do I owe the pleasure for this surprise visit son?”
She reached into her bra and sparked a cigarette then told me to grab her a bottle of water. Once she got good and comfortable, I started my questions.
“When you went to Nia’s funeral, was it an open or closed casket?”
Her brows went up, suspicion graced her face.
“Have you been taking your meds Praise? I found a very good doctor in Vegas you can start seeing.”
Nodding my head an agreement, I knew it was for my own good.
I planned on finding a doctor anyway after talking to Kayori about us both going to see and talk to someone.
In the black community, a lot of us hated the thought of going to a doctor to talk about our issues and seeking the right kind of help.
Kayori told me it would be for the best that we both went.
She said it would help her gain good closure and accept and love herself more instead of being angry about scars she can’t make go away.
For me, she said it would be good to better myself not only for myself but for Mattea.
“I’ll go to the doctor; I already told a close friend of mine that I would go. She even found a couple of good black therapists to see.”
“She? Who is she?”
My mom sat up to ash her cigarette while smiling wide at me.
“Mom let’s get back on topic, this is really important to me. Laquanna said some shit to me that could change it all. She said…”
I had to clear my throat as it burned and got tight.
To think about being betrayed in such a way made my chest tight and my head hurt.
Laquanna could not possibly pull some shit off like this, she had to of had help if it was true.
which meant I killed innocent people in the process.
Well, they were not all innocent because they were a part of the street war I was having at the time.
“She said that Nia was still alive, and she is fucking her.”
My mom’s mouth formed into an O as she tried to process what I just said. I know I probably sounded crazy and that’s why I wanted Kayori to come here with me to prove what I heard was real. My mom knew me better than anyone though, so she would be able to tell.
“Nia’s casket was closed baby. You know that crazy girl is trying to do anything to hurt you.”
My mom looked pissed off as she sparked up another cigarette, I hated the way she smoked those Newports.
“I should call her raggedy ass and tell her about her fast ass!”
Shaking my head, no, I continued my revelation. I could always be unfiltered when it came to my mental problem.
“I think she was for real momma. Well Beast took it as she was for real. He shot at her and the way she said it, when I looked in her eyes through Beast, she seemed for real.”
My mom sat up and looked at me frowning up, her cigarette dangled from her lips as she scolded me.
“You shot at her! You risked going to jail by not knowing facts all because of her stupid ass revelation! Praise! When are you going to realize that Beast is you, you are Beast! When you accept that and merge you and him together you will be at a lot of peace! You have to merge him into you! He is not a separate fucking person Praise! He is a part of you.” She pointed her finger my way as she stood to her feet and started to pace.
“Beast is the part of you that you don’t want to accept Praise. I hate that for you baby, I swear I do but you’re in denial. When you act out and change the way you are it is Beast but he is you! I’ve seen you do this since a kid.”
The tears ran down her face and my heart tightened; my throat started to burn.
I hate that crying shit, but it was hard for me not to.
Watching my momma cry brings back bad memories, I would talk to the voices and she would get so mad and yell at me telling me to stop acting crazy.
Back then my mom really didn’t understand the severity of my condition.
I used to hear her crying her eyes out in her room praying to God that her firstborn son wasn’t crazy.
She wouldn’t take me many places, because she would be scared of me having outbursts or tantrums when I felt triggered.
She had me evaluated so many times, that some of those medicines made me crazier.
When she had Michael, she spoiled him hard and made sure that he wasn’t crazy.
I used to resent her for taking him places and finding a babysitter for me.
As I became an adult, I forgave her because she was only human and didn’t know the right way to go about things being a young black mother.
Besides that, though, my mother showed me love and she tended to me the best she could.
In the back of my mind, and still, to this day, a small part of me still felt like she was ashamed of me.
I guess all the medicine back then had an effect on my mind, I stop hearing the voices, I stopped feeling crazy.
Up until I hit thirteen, it started right back up, every time I showed signs of crazy my mom would re-admit me and get me evaluated again.
When I got to the age of seventeen, I left home and became my own man.
I was tired of my mom feeling like I was a burden, I was tired of hearing her complain about my medical bills.
I got out in the streets and started hustling becoming that nigga, and once my plug died, I took over and became big.
My mom never put up a fight for me, never told me to not be in the streets, she loved everything my dirty money brought her.
I didn’t despise her for it, cause again everybody wasn’t perfect.
Getting out of the game meant a lot to me at this age, being in the game gave me painful memories of why I even got in this shit, to begin with.
“I’m going to get custody of Mattea, Praise…”
I looked up at her and finally broke my silence.