38. Beast
Chapter Thirty-Eight
BEAST
“So, are you going to tell me who did this to you, Ma? You done had me run you to the store, grocery shop for you, pick up your medication… We done left your friend’s house, them old hags was all over me like flies on shit. I’m ready to go home and rub my woman stomach.”
Leandra got discharged early as hell from the hospital.
As soon as she got in my car, she had me taking her around the world.
Every time I questioned what happened and who did it, she would shrug it off and say she didn’t want to talk about it at the moment.
The doctor discharged her and told her to take it easy.
She was doing the opposite. She claimed people didn’t like listening to her when she never listened to anyone at all.
I didn’t mind taking her where she needed to go.
I just needed to get the information out of her to see who violated.
Shit had me paranoid again, placing more security detail on Kayori and her.
“I’m happy you got Kayori, Praise… I really hope we can work on our relationship as mother and son. I also want to apologize to you for all the damage I’ve done, making you feel like I didn’t love you the same as I did Michael. I should’ve been hard on both of y’all and not just one of y’all.”
I remained quiet as I looked at her light brown skin complexion.
She took a sip of the Starbucks coffee I had just bought her.
We were sitting in the parking lot waiting for them to bring her freshly baked muffins out.
A single tear dropped from her left eye as she turned a little in her seat to look at me.
This was about to be an emotional moment for her, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t for me too.
I could feel the lump in my throat as I swallowed that shit down.
I guess this conversation was well overdue.
Leandra got on my last nerve; I loved her the same.
It didn’t matter how different she treated me, that would never alter my loyalty to my mom.
It just caused a big gap and strain on our relationship.
“Every time I asked you to do something, son, you’ve done it.
Since you were a little boy, you always listened to me.
You might have given me some back lip, but you would always comply and try to make me happy with your listening skills.
I was a young mother, but that’s no excuse.
At the time, I didn’t have the proper resources when I first noticed you talking to yourself.
I wish my mom, your grandmother, was still alive.
She had the same illness as you. We fought a lot, and I despised her, so in a way, I thought you would be the same as her.
You are the total opposite. You’re way more loving and carrying.
” Clearing her throat, she went into her bra to grab a cigarette.
Once it was lit, she hit it and stared back at me with misty eyes.
“My relationship with my mom was strained, even after she got the help she needed. I was distant and cold with her. I didn’t understand why my dad loved her so much and could stay with a person so different.
She kept trying with me, even on her death bed.
I waited until it was too late and realized I’ve been doing the same thing to you as I did to her, but in a different way.
I didn’t want my firstborn to have the same mental problem as my mom, then your dad…
he used to be on the same level too. I didn’t notice it until after I had you.
This world is filled with special people just like you.
Kayori is an angel ‘cause it’s people like her that can love people like you correctly without passing any judgment.
” We both sat in silence. Praise talked in my head as I looked out the window.
It was a great mixture of Praise and another voice, a voice I constantly ignored because it made me feel weak as a man.
That voice belonged to the eight-year-old me.
It always came about when I was sad or when I couldn’t figure things out and felt helpless.
The eight-year-old me longed for the extra loving my mom always gave to Michael.
I could hear him crying in my head, and it made my chest tighten.
I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself.
All the dark things I’ve done over the years, all the depression and sadness I have endured for just being different.
Feeling like I had to keep such a tough exterior to protect myself from being done wrong.
I couldn’t help who I was. I didn’t have many friends, and the ones that stuck by me were Stone and Gunna.
Now, I only had Stone as a friend. I looked at him like my brother.
He treated me that way from day one. I made myself into Beast. People feared and respected Beast. They didn’t dare try to cross me nor test or fuck with me.
Beast took the insults and was coldhearted to the people calling me crazy and looking at Praise like a nutcase.
I took it all and protected Praise from it because he couldn’t handle it.
I knew he couldn’t handle it when he tried to commit suicide and kill us.
No one knew that but Stone; I told him everything.
Praise was tired of hearing the voices when we hit seventeen.
I had just got released from the crazy hospital and decided to push my way to the forefront.
I took over for a while, hitting the streets and taking over shit to relieve Praise from feeling so incapable and down about all the shit the doctor said.
When she said, I had D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder), schizophrenia, paranoia, and a bunch of other medical terms to describe us, they wrote us off as being insane.
I knew it was true, but I still felt like it was normal.
Praise wanted out. He didn’t want to live his life being like this, being bothered with the voices and not being able to control us.
Especially me. As crazy as it might sound now because, as I’m explaining it, a part of me didn’t want to accept who I truly was.
I knew I was primarily in control, and Praise was the sane part of me.
I questioned that because this side of me, being Beast, never wanted to kill myself.
It’s confusing, this I know, but this side of me is who helped my own self and saved me from harming myself when I was too weak.
“I tried to kill myself, Leandra… Praise tried to kill me.” I swallowed down hard as I watched her sob.
My heart started to beat wildly. The car started to feel like it was closing in on me as Praise battled to take over.
I chanted to myself like the doctor suggested, but that wasn’t working.
We agreed that you would never tell her that!
She doesn’t need that on her conscious! Blinking my eyes rapidly to stop myself from shedding a tear, Leandra touched my shoulder and gave me an enduring look.
I could no longer stop the tears from falling.
“I didn’t know. I just wanted you to spoil me like you spoiled Praise, mommy.
” Eight-year-old me surfaced something that I never let happen.
I allowed eight-year-old me to speak in my mind when it came to Leandra, but I never let him take over and speak out.
That’s just how weak I was feeling at the moment.
Clearing my throat and wiping the tears away as they continued to fall, I proceeded to get it all off my chest.
Doing this, I hoped I could bury eight-year-old me so that the lil nigga wouldn’t keep popping up, making me feel weak and shit.
I needed this, too, more than Praise. Because, no matter what, he accepted Leandra for who she was.
He didn’t look at the things she did and said to make me feel not loved.
“I never cared what others thought about me. I only cared about what you thought and if I was good enough. It felt like I wasn’t.
It never made me hate Michael ‘cause I loved and still love that nigga no matter how foul that nigga is living. I got tired of competing for your love, Ma, so I started to hate you while Praise still loved you. You put me up against myself!”
I took a sip of my bottled water with shaky hands and opened up my car door to step out for air.
Grabbing my phone, I desperately went to my call log as the nice Cali breeze hit my face.
I took in breaths through my nose, releasing them through my mouth.
My chest was hurting, and I started to feel confused.
I hated these anxiety attacks. Pressing call, the phone rang twice.
When I heard her voice, my heartrate slowed, and a calm came over me.
“Baby, where are you? Talk to me, Praise! You okay?”
I nodded my head yes like she could see me. I was trying to catch my breath. She knew whenever I called her, not talking and just breathing hard, I was either having an episode or an anxiety attack.
“I love you, Juicy.” I was back calm that fast. “My fuckin medicine baby for life. I’ll never need another refill for as long as I’m living.”
I watched the guy from Starbucks approach the passenger side to give my mom the order of muffins and focused back on talking to Kayori.
My soul felt connected to her. She was home and where I belonged.
She proved that the love I thought I had with Nia was just love I was indebted to Kayori deeply.
She loved me for me and every other personality I had.
Nia was one-sided for us. Praise loved her so much that he became blindsided with how I felt about the bitch.
I let him hold on to Nia, and I played the background because she did make him happy.
Kayori was different for me. Every personality I had inside of me connected with Kayori and yearned for her.
Truth be told, she is the main reason why I got the help I needed.
I didn’t want to lose her or hurt her. I needed to learn how to live with my own disabilities and not use her as a crutch.
She had her own set of problems that I was determined to try my best to help her with.
Wrapping up my conversation with Kayori, she gave me all the reassurance I needed.
Hanging the phone up and taking in a deep breath, I looked up, and Leandra was standing in front of me.
No words were needed; her tear-stricken face spoke volumes.
She reached up to the best of her ability as I leaned down a little to accommodate her short frame like I was used to doing for Kayori.
Placing both of her hands on my broad shoulders, she pulled me down and held on tight to me, embracing me as I released the breath I was holding.
This emotional shit was taking a toll on me. It’s been so long since I actually even allowed myself to cry. Whenever I did cry, it was behind closed doors with no one watching.
“I’m sorry, son. I hate that I hurt you and contributed to so much of your emotional distress.
If you give me a fair chance, I can try to make things right for you and my grandkids.
I don’t want you calling me Leandra. That’s how I know when your Beast. I appreciate and love all of you, especially you, Beast. You’re brave, and you try to take on the world.
I saw your effort when you came to my house and tried to call me Ma.
That’s what I want. I want you and Praise to try y’all very hardest to merge and accept yourself.
Love yourself because you are special, and if nobody else sees that, it’s their loss.
No matter how much I put you through and the lack of love I’ve shown you, I’ve always taught you right from wrong and wrong from right, to make the best choices out of life. ”
She rubbed the back of my head as she swayed with me in her arms. I could’ve fallen asleep in her arms from the comfort I felt.
I no longer felt like our relationship was super strained.
I could feel it in my heart that my mom wanted to make things right, and she would be the only human besides Kayori that I gave a fair second chance.
“I know it was Michael. I could feel it was him… When I get the information that I need to track him down, you and I will pay him a visit.” I broke our embrace and kissed her on the forehead as I walked away to get in the car.
All I wanted to do at this very moment was make it home to my medicine, Kayori.
I didn’t feel like debating with my mom about Michael, and I didn’t want to hear her beg for his life.
He violated, and I would never forgive him.
Michael was starting to become a pest. I didn’t have the time for a fucking pest. I had greater things to worry about rather than worrying about Michael's next moves. She still didn’t confirm what I needed to know.
I didn’t know what Michael’s punishment would be.
Death wasn’t one of them, though. I was gon’ make him feel it in other ways, no denying that.