39. Failure
Failure
Cerise
The night sky shone with moonlight through the window of my modest-sized office. I typically never stayed at work this late. Ever. But my proposal was just around the corner and I was feeling overwhelmed; stressed.
And honestly, a bit panicked.
Logically, I knew it was probably perfect.
But I wasn’t the only one seeking this grant.
And my mother was right about one thing; women in academia had to work harder.
Much harder. Because though the colleague I was competing with had less experience than I, he wouldn’t have to bend over backwards to prove himself.
So here I was, hunched over my desk, teacup in hand as I reveled in the quiet.
“All right,” I said out loud. “I’ll review it one more time, then go home and go to sleep.”
I took a sip of tea, set my cup down, picked up my proposal, and began to read.
“I’m sure you’ve read it a hundred times already, sunshine.”
I yelped, jumping at Liam’s voice and dropping my papers in hand. My gaze snapped to my now open door. I pressed a hand to my chest, attempting to calm myself.
“For goodness’ sake, Liam. You almost gave me a heart attack.”
He had the sense to look a little chagrined. “Sorry.”
I rose from my chair and met him in the middle of the office, his arms embracing me. I leaned my head on his shoulder as he kissed my temple.
“What are you doing here?”
He squeezed tighter. “Surprising you. I did it a little too hard, it seems.”
“It’s all right. How did you know I was in my office?”
“I went to your house first, but you didn’t answer your door. I assumed you were up here, working.”
“Your assumption was correct. I’m on edge with this whole presentation.”
“When is it?”
“Three days.”
He kissed my nose. “Three days? I didn’t realize it was so soon. Do you want me to go home? I don’t want to bother you.”
“No. Stay. I could use the distraction.”
“Okay, then. You’re going to get that grant, beautiful. How could anyone say no to the brilliant Cerise Thornheart?”
I smiled at him. “Thank you. I needed to hear that, honestly.”
I’d been questioning myself more often than usual, but I didn’t want to admit it to Liam for some reason.
It went deeper than just this proposal. I had begun to question my entire career.
It wasn’t making me happy the way it used to.
Or maybe I was realizing that I was never truly happy and had just convinced myself I was.
“Don’t worry. It will be fine. But we should really go back to your house. It’s late and you need sleep.”
“But—” I turned back to my desk.
He held on tight, not letting me walk away. “But nothing. Reading it again isn’t going to help. If you over analyze it, then you’ll start to question it even more. Leave it. I guarantee it’s perfect.”
He was right. I was past the point of being able to be productive tonight. “All right. Let’s go back to the house.”
Liam’s visit did what it always did. Relaxed me.
We spent the next two days enjoying our time together, mostly in my house.
I brought my work home and reviewed the proposal again while Liam read a book and then proceeded to distract me with his fingers and his tongue, wringing pleasure from me until my body was limp with exhaustion.
The man was insatiable, but I wasn’t one to complain. Four orgasms later, I’d fallen asleep so hard last night, I could barely keep my eyes open now. Fortunately, it was still quite early, dawn just breaking over the horizon.
I glanced at Liam, spread eagle on the bed next to me, and my heart warmed. I would doze for just a bit longer, then rise and prepare for my presentation later this morning. Scooting closer to him, I reveled in his warmth as my eyes fluttered shut and I fell back asleep.
A while later, bright light woke me.
Wait…bright light? Oh no.
I threw the covers off as I jumped out of bed. “Liam!”
He grumbled, pulling the covers over his head.
“Oh gods…shit…” I couldn’t remain calm as I frantically searched for my clothing. Yanking open my dresser, I quickly pulled on a pair of underwear and a bra.
“Liam! What time is it?”
“Time for you to come back to bed,” he murmured.
I released a frustrated noise and opened my closet, searching for something to wear. I couldn’t be late. I was never late. I didn’t even look at the clock, yelling at Liam again to tell me what time it was.
He rolled over and picked up his watch. “It’s nine twenty one.”
“What!” I shrieked.
My presentation was at nine thirty. And it took twenty minutes to get to the university by foot. I could call for a carriage, but that would take too long to arrive.
Liam sat up, watching me warily as I tucked a button-up into my skirt and tried to smooth my hair. There was no time for makeup or anything else. I sat on the bed, pulling on my boots, when hands landed on my shoulders, starting to massage me.
“Stay calm. It’ll be all right.”
I shrugged him off and stood. “No. It won’t be all right, Liam. I’m going to be late. They won’t take me seriously and I won’t get this grant.”
“Just tell them you accidentally slept in. It’ll be fine.”
“It won’t be—” I was interrupted when my phone rang.
I hurried down the hall, picking it up. “This is Cerise,” I said, out of breath.
“Doctor Thornheart.” It was one of the professors from the grant approval committee. “I was just calling to check in. We’ve been waiting on you. Is everything all right?”
“Waiting on me?” I checked the time again. Nine twenty eight. “I do apologize. I had a late night. I’m leaving the house right now.”
“Your presentation was at nine, Doctor Thornheart.”
I froze. No it wasn’t. I was sure of it. “I was informed it was at nine-thirty.”
A disappointed sigh. “We moved it due to a scheduling conflict. Did you not receive the notice? We sent a note to your office yesterday.”
I hadn’t gone into the office yesterday because Liam was here and I didn’t have any classes to teach. “Oh.” My voice sounded small. “No, I didn’t receive it. I am so incredibly sorry. I can be there in twenty minutes.”
“I’m afraid it’s too late. We only had room for one research project…”
“What are you saying?” I whispered.
Liam was up, still shirtless, but had pants on and watched me with concern from his place against the wall in the hallway.
“I’m saying we’ve already chosen the research proposal we would like to fund.”
“But you haven’t even heard mine yet.” I tried to keep my voice steady as tears threatened to spill down my face.
“I know. But we need someone committed to this project. And lately…well, to be honest, you haven’t been yourself. And now you missed the presentation. It’s not a good look. We can’t support that.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, nodding, though he couldn’t see. “All right. I understand.”
“We’ll be funding Doctor Crowley’s proposal.”
“He has a very good project. I’m sure you won’t regret the decision.” The lie tasted like ash on my tongue.
“Cerise…I’m sorry.”
“Thank you, sir. I’ll talk to you later.”
I hung up the phone and stared at the wall. I had no words for what had just happened. I had ruined my chances; failed for the first time in my life.
And it was devastating.
“Cerise,” Liam whispered so quietly, I almost didn’t hear him. “Are you all right?”
No. I wasn’t all right. I was heartbroken.
And embarrassed. And angry. Because of course a man got the grant.
And of all people it had to be him. One of the rudest, most arrogant men I had ever worked with.
His proposal wasn’t even good. It wouldn’t help with invasive species and the environment the way mine would.
So no, I was not okay. I was livid.
I looked at Liam…and unloaded. “This never would have happened if you hadn’t shown up and surprised me.”
“Wait…what?” He shook his head. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t…” He stumbled for what to say.
“I knew this would never work. You showed up out of nowhere right when I was in the middle of one of the biggest career opportunities in my life and I failed. Just like I failed on our expedition.”
His face fell. “What do you mean you knew this would never work? Are you talking about us?”
“Of course I’m talking about us!” I shouted.
“I’m not like you. I will never be like you.
They moved the time of my presentation and I never got the memo yesterday because I was here…
with you…spending the whole day having sex like irresponsible teenagers instead of preparing at the office like I should have been. ”
He didn’t say anything.
Tears streamed down my face as I continued, unable to stop. “Ever since I met you, my career has gone downhill. I can’t do this anymore.”
Hurt flashed in Liam’s eyes. “So your career is more important than this?”
“This? We don’t even know what this is! Because what is it truly?
We randomly visit each other. Laugh and have fun.
Have a lot of sex, and then don’t see each other again for weeks.
That doesn’t constitute a relationship. And I can’t do it anymore.
I have to focus. I have so much work to do now to get back to where I need to be. ”
“Cerise…you’re angry. Calm down and let’s talk about it.”
I shook my head. “There’s nothing more to say. I need you to leave. Now.”
He looked like I’d slapped him and my heart broke at his expression. But I was lost, confused, angry. I didn’t know what to do, so I did what felt like the easiest thing. I pushed him away so I didn’t have to deal with it.
“Liam. Please. Get out.”
He took a step closer. “If you need to blame someone, blame me. That’s fine.
But don’t push me away. This is what you do.
You did it when we were rescued too. Any time you think this relationship is going to interfere with your carefully constructed academic life, you panic and run.
Don’t run from me.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Please…”
But I was too far gone and needed to be alone to figure this out. “Get out of my house, Liam.”
His expression went from hurt to angry as he let out a slow breath. Turning, he silently disappeared into the bedroom. I walked to the living room, and collapsed onto the couch, holding back the new wave of tears about to fall, trying to keep my resolve.
Minutes later, Liam emerged, looking at me with a mix of longing, pain and anger. He made it to the front door, turned the handle, then said quietly, “I guess I was wrong about you. You are exactly like your mother.”
Then, he was gone.