Chapter 5
FIVE
I’m sure I’m going to lose points off my grade for Ben’s little outburst, but it was kind of fun. Him being interested in me makes me feel a little better about myself. I know it will be short-lived, but I’m going to enjoy his attention while I have it.
Sucking him off in the bathroom wasn’t part of my plan, but the size of his cock fried my brain.
I forgot about everything else as he revealed it.
When I touched it, it removed all logic from my mind.
Suddenly, all I wanted was to make him feel good.
To prove I wasn’t some stuck-up bitch, but some girl who knows a thing or two about making a guy cum.
When he offered to return the favor, that’s when reality came crashing back down.
I haven’t let anyone touch me, not even myself since Charles attacked me.
It’s been a long few weeks since I had an orgasm, a new record for me.
I’m used to getting off almost every day, mostly from myself, or after some lousy sex with Charles, where I’d sneak off to the bathroom to finish what he couldn’t.
It's not that my body didn’t want it. Despite everything I endured, my body still craves sexual pleasure. I just can’t find the will to do it. I’m afraid of what it will be like now.
It’s not that Charles and I didn’t have sex often. I gave him blow jobs and sex pretty much daily. If he wanted it, I gave it. There was no reason for him to cheat, other than his desire to be with someone else. I didn’t withhold sex, even when he stopped being able to get me off.
Missionary and no foreplay just didn’t do it for me. I’d ask for more and he’d promise to try something different, but when the next time rolled around, he’d just pretend to forget.
With Ben it felt different. I didn’t get to be on the receiving end of anything he had to offer, but the fact he offered was more than I’m used to.
Having his cock in my mouth and his eyes on me, lit a fire in me. My pussy has been throbbing since.
I felt powerful, even as I knelt before him. I felt like I could’ve asked him for anything, and he’d give it to me. Cupping his balls and taking him down my throat made me feel sexy and desirable.
I know he has been with countless women.
The great tales of Ben Parker have been posted on quite a few sites.
Stories I didn’t read until the night after the bathroom incident.
According to the posts about him, he goes out of his way to please the women he takes to bed.
No one sugar coats what kind of asshole he is after, but during, he is good.
I try not to think about the fact everyone else he has been with brags about how good he made them feel. It was my choice to tell him no, so I try not to be jealous that they all got to cum on his giant cock and I didn’t.
None of them talk about him after the sex. No one says anything about him chasing them down and causing a scene over them. I hold on to the hope that maybe I impressed him a little. Perhaps I still have a chance to experience the mind-blowing sex they all brag about.
I know once he has me, I’ll be tossed aside like all the other girls. It’s just after everything I’ve been through, I feel like I deserve a fling. And if I’m going to have meaningless sex, why not have it with a man that has a history of delivering a good time?
I study myself in the mirror again. Completely naked.
For the most part all traces of the damage Charles did are gone.
There is a light bruise under my eyes. It grows less noticeable each day.
A bruise on my collar bone that is a mixture of his thumb pressing into my neck and his teeth biting into me.
A few more light marks still trail over my body. Mostly my thighs.
Knowing he cheated on me, then had the nerve to beat and rape me when I got angry about it, made me violently ill those first few nights. Now it just leaves me feeling pathetic.
Ben eased those feelings. Knowing someone still wanted me, that I could still get someone off, made me feel less bad for a little while.
Charles witnessing the scene Ben caused didn’t turn out too well for me.
He didn’t report it back to my parents, but he has left me countless text messages.
Keeps asking what is going on between Ben and me.
I don’t bother replying. He doesn’t get to know.
I’m not his girlfriend anymore. Never will be.
I stare at Ben’s number in my phone. It’s been two days since he gave it to me. I don’t doubt he’d come looking for me if I don’t text him soon. I enjoyed him being willing to go to such extremes to get my number, but I worry what happens next time.
I don’t think he is capable of hurting me physically. He didn’t scream abusive, but I’m sure he could cause a lot of chaos if he wanted to. I’m not sure anything could be worse than what Charles did, but I also don’t need any more drama in my life right now.
My parents still text me daily, begging me to come home or encouraging me to reach out to Charles. I always make up an excuse. I know if I go over there, they won’t let me leave, or Charles will be waiting for me so we can all talk it out, like this is something that we can all move past.
I shouldn’t go seeking out Ben at this point. If my parents found out, they would probably disown me just like they did Cameron. Charles would probably kill Ben and I both if he even knew about what happened in the bathroom.
Inviting Ben into this situation is selfish of me, but I could use the distraction. I desperately want to feel good right now. Though I don’t know if I could even have sex with him at this point. If I reach out to Ben, he is going to expect sex.
The bruises on my body aren’t all Charles did. When he raped me, he was very rough, tore me a little. The sting from that has faded, but I’ve been too scared to see if I felt any different from it.
The idea of sex is overwhelming. Ben might have hinted that I gave him a great blow job, but would that be enough for the man every other girl has claimed to have gotten the best orgasm from? Doubtful.
Still, I text him.
Me
Hello, not so tiny dickhead.
I type out and hit send before I can second guess myself.
Time drags on slowly after. It’s Thursday night and I can’t imagine he is doing much of anything. I mean he is a rock star, and I did meet him at a random house party on a Monday, so maybe he is busy. Still, as the hours go by, I can’t help but feel like I waited too long.
I shouldn’t be surprised. We didn’t meet on good terms. I’m not at my best right now. He seemed unfazed by Charles the other day, but maybe with some time to think about it he realized he didn’t want to get caught up in my drama.
I highly doubt I’m worth it to him. Or to anyone.
I shouldn’t have even messaged him. Bringing him into my life would not end well for either of us.
I should just go back to my parents. Try to make them see why I can’t marry Charles.
They have to understand my reasons. Knowing what he did to me, seeing the aftermath, they couldn’t really want me to be with a man like that.
I know it would be good for business, but deep down, my parents have to love me. They have to want what’s best for me.
I’d marry anyone else they wanted, just not someone who hurts me. There has to be a line somewhere. That has to be the line, and they can’t expect me to cross it. Not for any amount of money in the world.
I’ve done my part. I do everything I can to make them happy, to look good to all their friends, just this once they have to let me have a say.
For years I played the role they needed me to.
Took the classes they wanted me to take, volunteered when they needed me to.
Dressed up for the parties they went to.
Helped with the events they put together.
Made sure to get good grades. Stayed out of trouble.
Followed the rules. I never complained about the pressure.
Never pushed back against anything they wanted.
Just this one time. This has been the only time. And it’s justified.
They have to see that. I need them to see that.
If they accept that I can’t take Charles back, I’ll go back home. I’ll be the daughter they have come to expect. Date whoever else they want. Be the person I was before.
I thought I could use this as a way to reinvent myself. Become someone strong, someone capable of holding power. I wanted to be the person Ben saw. Tough. Bitchy. Confident.
But it’s not possible. I will always be the weak, fragile, people-pleasing Prue.
That person would disgust Ben. He clearly had a thing for girls who could challenge him. If he knew who I was before, he wouldn’t be interested at all.
Though as the night goes on, it appears he isn’t even interested in the version of me I showed him.
He did tell me he gets bored easily. I bet that was the most honest thing he has ever said to a girl. He got bored waiting for me. I thought I could drag it out. Put it off. Talk myself into it, but it didn’t work.
Two days of trying to convince myself to enjoy whatever fun Ben could offer ended up costing me my chance at it. The bitter irony would be amusing if I wasn’t so broken.
I told myself if I got one night with Ben, I could go back to my parents and feel better about becoming the old Prue again.
I went back and forth with the idea. Part of me didn’t want to give myself another taste of freedom.
To never fuck Ben so I wouldn’t know what I’m missing out on.
But a bigger part of me wanted to gift myself one chance at a good time.
I know my future is going to be full of lack luster sex and a cheating husband. I deserve one fling. One little memory to hold on to for the rest of my life.
But talking myself into the idea of sex was hard.
Even now, as I lie curled up in bed, hoping Ben replies, I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of doing it.
The only reason I’m willing to try with Ben is due to the countless testimonies on how good he is.
It helps that he seemed to find me attractive even after having a vague idea of what I went through.
If I end up not being able to do it, I highly doubt he would be mad. He would simply walk away. It would be embarrassing, sure, but I’d never have to see him again. Never have to be reminded of it.
The silence lets me know that I messed up, though. He wasn’t really interested in me. Probably found some other girl who didn’t make him work for it. That didn’t call him names or push his buttons.
Some girl who trips over herself to fan his ego. Doesn’t call him an asshole. Worships the ground he walks on. And doesn’t have an ex-boyfriend that hurt them.
I lost my only chance at a good time. Now I have no choice but to go crawling back to my parents. Beg them not to make me take Charles back. Go back to being the girl everyone expects me to be.
The thought makes tears well up in my eyes. My chest tightens. The room seems to grow or maybe I’m shrinking. I feel like I’m being swallowed by the darkness around me.
I feel incredibly small. Always have been. Just a tiny piece in a large puzzle someone else controls. I have no say in my life. No agency in my own wellbeing. Only put on this Earth to be a pawn for my parents.
I thought I had accepted that. Thought I came to terms with it years ago. But Charles shattered my acceptance with his fists. Broke my will to quietly accept my fate when he pinned me to the ground and raped me.
Ben gave me a taste of freedom. Now there is a hunger inside me that wants to be freed. A need for freedom and expression. Burying it might kill me, but I know Ben isn’t going to text back. He lost interest already. I’ll never get the chance to feed the beast inside me.
I just have to let it be smothered with the expectations everyone has of me. Find a way to bury it deep inside. Accept that I am never going to be the Prue that Ben thought I was.
Tomorrow, I go back to being pathetic little Prue.