Chapter 12
It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, and it was warm enough for Phoebe to sit by the fountain outside the courthouse, enjoying the weather, with her notebook open in front of her trying to think of anything that she might have missed.
It was too bad she didn’t know anyone who would actually put on a rodeo like this. She would like to call and just chat for a while, trying to figure out if she covered all the angles.
Of course, with Tillman’s experience, she felt like they were probably good, but it would make her feel better to know that she wasn’t missing anything. She didn’t want to get to the point where it was too late to fix it and realize that she had a gaping hole in her plans.
She glanced at her phone. 12:15.
Tillman had thought he wouldn’t be much past twelve o’clock, and it had now been an hour and fifteen minutes that he’d spent inside the courthouse.
She flicked her phone off and put it away, saying another prayer, maybe her thousandth of the day, for Tillman, and that he would at least have one ruling in his favor.
She thought about what she told him in the truck. Something that she found to be true. That if she was full of anger and bitterness, God couldn’t fill her with something else. It was up to her to get rid of the anger and bitterness. It was a command, and she figured that God’s command was for her own good. So that He could give her more, although it would be easier to do perhaps if He told her the why along with the basic command.
Don’t be angry, because I can’t bless you when you’re angry.
But maybe they were just supposed to obey and realize that God would reward them when they did. Regardless, she didn’t have any Bible to back that up, just her own experience and the things that she’d seen in others’ lives.
Even though she felt like Tillman, if anyone, had every reason in the world to be upset and angry at his ex.
She’d just jotted down that she wanted to double-check the bulk food companies when footsteps behind her made her turn.
Tillman strode away from the courthouse steps, his stride fast and angry, his cowboy hat shoved down low over his head, his jaw set.
She didn’t wait for him to get to her. She could tell from the way he was walking that things did not go well. Gathering her things up, she waited for him to reach her before she fell into step beside him, almost having to jog to keep up.
She didn’t ask him how it went, didn’t ask what the actual decision was, just got in the pickup when he opened her door and put her seat belt on in silence as he walked around, getting in and starting the truck without saying anything.
They’d been on the road for two hours before he spoke. She wasn’t going to prompt him, wasn’t going to push him, and figured that sometimes she needed time, and that seemed to be what he needed right now, as well.
Finally, he broke the silence as the white dotted lines flew by.
“I’m sorry.”
She turned her head to look at him.
“You’re sorry? For what?” Had something happened and she missed it?
“For not talking to you for the last two hours. I was angry.”
“I could tell you were angry. It was pretty obvious. You don’t need to apologize for not talking. I assumed that you just needed to work things out. I also assumed that things didn’t go the way you wanted them to.”
“To say the least.” There was disgust in his voice.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, feeling truly sorry. “I prayed almost constantly for you, asking for God to give you at least one good ruling.”
“Well, He didn’t. He gave me the worst ruling ever.”
She sighed, wondering what could be worse.
“The judge said that everything stayed the same. If I wanted to see my kids, I had to drive to them. He said he would reconsider after I’d held a job for a month, but considering that I’d lost the ranch, their home, and everything I’d ever worked for, he wasn’t holding his breath.”
“Wow. That was harsh. Unnecessarily so.” She shuddered, unable to imagine that a judge could be that...nasty.
“He seems to be good friends with Nicole’s lawyer, and I know that none of them would ever admit it, but I think the judge might have a thing for her. I could be wrong. Maybe I’m just making things up to make myself feel better.”
She wanted to argue with him, wanted to say that a judge would be fair no matter what his feelings were, but she knew that wasn’t the slightest bit true.
Lots of people, judges, elected officials, and anyone in between, used their position of power for their own gain, furthering the causes that they felt were important and not necessarily doing what their job description entailed or what they were compelled to do because of fairness and impartiality. They were human, after all.
Phoebe didn’t want to be too hard on them, because she didn’t know if she could be impartial if she were a judge. Her heart would bleed for a father who wanted his children, but she probably would be turned off by anger and bitterness. Not that she thought that that was the problem.
She did know for sure that God knew and had allowed it. But she didn’t think that would be a comfort to Tillman at the current moment, and she didn’t say so.
They drove for a little while, and then he looked over. “You never said you forgave me. You haven’t said much at all. Did I scare you?”
“No. I have six brothers, remember? Your anger, your frustration, your pain is not going to scare me.”
His lips tightened when she said pain, but he didn’t argue. That was probably the thing. A lot of times, she noticed that when her brothers were hurt, especially emotionally, they lashed out in anger rather than saying “you hurt me.”
They didn’t cry, and they didn’t want pity, they just wanted to hurt someone else the way they were hurting. Usually in a physical way.
“I forgive you, just for the record, although I didn’t think that you did anything that I needed to forgive you for. So I suppose I was a little surprised that you apologized to begin with.”
“I didn’t treat you as well as I wanted to, and I apologized for it. It was necessary.”
“If it made you feel better, I’m glad. Sometimes I get angry too, and sometimes I just need some time to process things. It sounds like you were dealt a pretty severe blow.”
“I was really counting on getting the kids over the summer. Then I drove the whole way out here, and I didn’t even get to see them. I have to make another trip if I want to do that.”
“Oh! I never even thought about that. We could have gone to see them.”
“They were in school. They won’t be out until this evening, and then it would be late by the time we got back. I wasn’t going to ask you to do that, especially since I know how pressed we are to get the rodeo figured out. But I probably will be taking next weekend to go and visit. Man, I miss them.”
She could hear the longing in his voice when he said that, and it tore at her heart. She wanted to help him, wanted to ease his pain and frustration, wanted to reunite him with his children. It hardly seemed right that the separation was all because of Nicole, and yet he was the one who was suffering.
But a little voice reminded her that there were two sides to every story. No matter how much of a pill Nicole might be in Tillman’s story, she had reasons for her behavior. They might not be the best reasons, they might be rather bad reasons, but they were still reasons that seemed good to her.
Phoebe couldn’t help but think that she was using her children as weapons, though. Weapons to hurt the man beside her, and she hated that.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said about getting rid of my anger and bitterness in order for God to fill me with something else. I was not successful at that in the courtroom today, but I have four weeks to work on it until I go back. I just... I don’t know if I can forgive her. She betrayed me in the worst way a person can possibly be betrayed. She made promises she didn’t keep, she took everything that I’ve ever worked for in my life, and on top of that, she hasn’t even said that she was sorry. She taunts me instead. You should have seen her today when the judge made his ruling. She didn’t stick her tongue out at me, but she did everything else but.”
“She sounds like a really unhappy woman. And I wish I could give you the magic formula for forgiving, but all I know to do is tell God you want to, and tell Him you can’t do it without Him. And then just say the words, over and over, until the feelings follow.”
“Is that what helped you forgive the drunk driver?”
“That, and I remembered what Jesus commanded us to do. He said bless those that hurt you, pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you. It took words. I didn’t always feel those words in my heart, I didn’t always mean those words, but eventually, as I said those words, and I prayed that God would do a work in me, give me love for that person, give me compassion, allow me to release my anger and bitterness, and allow God to deal with that person.”
She paused, remembering. It had not been easy, and she hadn’t wanted to do it most of the time.
“Eventually the forgiveness came, and I harbor no ill will toward him. Part of that is my confidence that God, who is the righteous judge, will make sure that everything is taken care of in the proper time.” She grinned a little. “Every once in a while, maybe I have a few fantasies about what God’s going to do, but... I’m really just kidding. I truly don’t want anything bad to happen to him. He was just a kid who made a stupid mistake. He hurt a lot of people, but I can relate to that. I’ve made stupid mistakes, I’ve done things that hurt people, I’ve been selfish and irresponsible, and... I appreciate it when people forgive me.”
“Yeah. Maybe you could text me the reference to those verses. I think they’re from the sermon on the Mount, which is in Matthew five?”
“I have some time. I can send them now,” she said, grinning over at him before looking down at her phone and pulling up her Bible app.
It was a beautiful day for a ride and a great conversation. Maybe it wasn’t a conversation about happy things, but it was a conversation that made her feel more connected to Tillman, like she could see into his inner workings and see the man of character that he was and the growth that he wanted to see in himself.
She admired him, admired that he could admit that he wasn’t what he wanted to be and that he wanted to be better. She could also admire the fact that he could ask for advice and wasn’t afraid that it would make him look weak or small.
She found the reference and sent it to him, hearing his phone ping with her message. They’d exchanged phone numbers shortly after they started working together, because there had been so much they needed to coordinate. But that was the first personal message she sent.
A Bible verse. That felt apt.
“I was planning on talking more about the rodeo and our plans for today. I’m sorry that I kind of got derailed. I should have known that if things didn’t go the way I was hoping they would, it would throw me for a loop, and I would have trouble concentrating. I think I’m coming down now though. Thank you for being patient and not pushing me. Also...”
He paused and glanced over at her before looking back at the road. “I appreciate that you didn’t make me feel like I was the worst person in the world, or remind me that I wasn’t supposed to be angry, or anything like that. You just...made me feel like we’re all striving to be better, and that you’d help me if I needed it.” He blew out a breath. “It was a good feeling. I... I’ve liked working with you.”
“I’ve really enjoyed working with you too. And I’m glad that the way I handle things worked for you. I think sometimes people want to have someone who talks a little more than what I do.”
“You talk the perfect amount,” he said, glancing over again and smiling this time.
“There he is. I think you’re right. He’s back.”
“I hate that he even left. I don’t know why it just can’t be me. But I have so many emotions wrapped up in that, and I want my kids so bad. And it just seems so unfair.”
“Sometimes I get really wrapped up in something, like this rodeo. I know it’s not the same, it certainly isn’t as important as family, but I was just worrying earlier about whether or not I’d left something out, and while I think I need to do the very best I can, I don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about this. I just want to leave it in God’s hands. I’ll work as hard as I can, and He’ll have to do the rest. That seems to be the way He wants us to do things. Pray like it all depends on Him, and work like it all depends on us.”
“I’ve never heard it put quite that way before, but I have to say I agree. That’s a great way of saying it.”
“Maybe, maybe since there’s nothing you can do with the situation with your wife and the court, maybe it just needs to be put in God’s hands.”
“That would probably help a lot. It would keep my hotheaded nature out of it.”
“I’ve never heard anyone say that you have a hotheaded nature.”
“I usually don’t. But once I get angry, I get really, really angry. But you’re right. There’s no need for me to get angry. God can handle it. He was in charge today, and He allowed this to happen. Now I need to sit back and wonder what exactly He wants me to learn from that, and then try to learn it.”
“Very good. I agree.”
They didn’t say anything for a while, and then he nodded at her notebook. “What do you have. Anything new?”
She pulled the notebook up and started going over the things that she had and what she’d been writing down while he was in the courthouse. Before she knew it, the miles had flown by and they were back in Sweet Water.
“I was so angry earlier, I didn’t even think about food. At the very least, for coming with me, I owe you lunch. How about a meal at the diner? It’s not fancy, but I’ve heard the food there is good.”
“It is, and... I’ll take you up on that.”