Chapter 15
She couldn’t believe her ears. Sydney stared at Declan. “You can’t say something like that.”
He raised a brow. “Which part of it? Confess that I’m afraid?”
“You can’t—” Her heart pounded harder, and Sydney discovered she’d pressed a hand to her chest, fingers numb over her racing heart. “Declan.”
He deliberately folded his hands in his lap. “I’m no wordsmith, but it seems with the mess we have to wade through tonight, I should keep the parts I know simple and straight up. I meant every word. I’m falling in love with you—hell, I’m in love with you, and that scares me shitless.”
Sydney closed her eyes, the electric pulse racing through her making her light-headed. “You can’t be in love with me.”
He chuckled. “Nice try. Tell me another one.”
A flash of something other than confusion made her lean forward and offer him a heated glare. “I’ll admit I’m drawn to you. I’ve had more than fun this past year, and if it were up to me, I’d be advocating hard for us to date for real. But I just told you how messed up my situation is.”
Declan waved a hand in the air. “We’ll talk in circles if we’re not careful.
So let’s get this straight. Yes, I heard the bullshit your grandfather put in place.
That’s a huge, complicated fuck up, but it’s also something I’m damn sure can be solved when we put our heads together with the rest of the family.
” He shifted position, sitting awkwardly in a modified cross-legged position at her side.
“So let’s pretend it’s not an issue. Let’s focus on us because that’s a big enough ball of trouble all on its own. ”
“Okay, fine. But you can’t go tossing around words like love,” Sydney rebuked. “That makes my brain crazy.”
He shrugged. “Talking about emotions without naming the emotions doesn’t work for me.” He made a face. “Seriously, how come I’m having to play the emo card?”
“Because we don’t say those type of things in my family,” Sydney offered bluntly.
Confusion danced over his face. “You say you love Tansy and Petra damn near every time you’re around them.”
She leaned back and took a deep breath. “That is because Tansy is so…Tansy. The little brat made me repeat it back to her one day about a dozen times in a row before she let me out of that deathtrap of a van she used to drive.” It was Sydney’s turn to shrug.
“After that I started telling her I loved her proactively to keep her from turning into a Disney princess in public, dancing around me like I was a maypole while she sang I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Declan’s lips twitched hard.
She reached over and slapped his arm. “It’s not funny.”
“Wasn’t laughing,” he said, eyes widening.
Oh really? “You were too. I know your laughing face, and that was absolutely a laughing at Sydney face.”
“Okay. I am amused.” He looked up, thoughtful. “Repetition and training. I can deal with that.”
Wait, what? Sydney put two and two together and got another reason to glare at him. “You are not training me like a dog to say I love you.”
“Hopefully not. I’d kinda like you to say it all on your own at some point.
Which does not have to be today,” he continued.
Declan caught her fingers in his. “Back to me being totally serious. We’ve spent enough time together this past year, so whether you believe it or not, I’m way beyond just caring about you as a friend.
But I’m also being brutally honest when I say that scares me.
The last woman I felt like this for was Sadie. ”
When big strong Declan’s voice grew shaky on the final words, Sydney figured she was done for. “I’m not getting through this conversation without crying like a baby,” she warned.
“Hopefully you didn’t use all the toilet paper.”
Dammit. She was still on the edge of crying, but now she was laughing as well.
“That does have to feel scary.” She softened her tone and really thought it through. He’d said the two women he’d loved—
Sadie. And…
“Oh, Declan. Your mom didn’t want to leave you. Neither did Sadie.”
“I know that, in here.” He tapped a finger to his temple. “But in here?” He laid his hand over his heart and shook his head.
Fine. It seemed this was the night of true confessions.
Sydney dug down deep and let it out. “I’ve got some issues with a couple of key life areas. Some of it I’m sure caused by Grandpa Nate and his attitude, but there’s another one that no one knows about.”
God. Was she really going to tell him?
“You want to sit at the table to talk?” Declan stroked his thumb over her knuckles. “You want to cuddle on the couch? What would make this easier, darlin’?”
Sydney tugged him to the couch, sitting beside him and leaning her head on his shoulder. It would be easier if she didn’t look at his face. “Remember I said I don’t like doing deliveries?”
“Yeah.” He linked their fingers together, and his thumb moved in a steady rhythm like a mini heartbeat, back and forth over her thigh.
“First two years of school I didn’t make a lot of friends because of the vast age differences, but there was one girl, on the younger side as well, and so brilliant. Stacy was a shiny star who made everyone rise up and do better.”
He leaned against Sydney’s side and let her be quiet for a moment, just listening.
“Brilliant, but also beautiful, and she fell in love. Middle of her third year she and her engineer-in-training boyfriend decided they wanted to get married.” Sydney could picture it still.
“It was a beautiful wedding. Early March, snow everywhere. They were both still in school, but it was doable. Until year four, when she got pregnant.”
Beside her, Declan stiffened. “Oh, hell.”
“The really sad thing is Stacy was very much pro-choice. She could’ve chosen to have an abortion, but she and Peter really wanted the baby.
By the time Christmas finals rolled around, Stacy was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and preeclampsia.
She was still pretty upbeat. They decided because her schooling would take another seven years to finish, and Peter was one term away from being fully certified, she’d stay home with the baby after it arrived, and somewhere down the road she’d go back to finish. ”
Declan’s big arm snuck around the side of her, creating a protective wall. “Things went wrong?”
“She died.” Sydney’s voice broke. “The baby was in intensive care for three weeks, but he made it. Now Peter has a little boy to raise all by himself, and everything Stacy used to tell me she looked forward to doing is gone.”
The protective arm around her shifted her until her face was pressed against his chest, still avoiding eye contact but holding her so she didn’t have to hold herself. “I’m sorry you lost your friend. I’m sorry for all the tomorrows she didn’t get to have with her husband and baby.”
His voice was deeper, choked with tears. Of all the people in her world, he could more than understand the pain she felt.
She touched her hand to his chest softly. “I’m sorry you lost Sadie. And your mom. Sometimes it just hurts too much.”
He held her quietly before finally speaking. “It wouldn’t hurt as much if we hadn’t loved them so deeply.”
Sydney lost it. The tears poured out until she felt as if she were washing the inside of the cottage as much as the storm was flooding the countryside.
Even when the tears eased enough for her to draw a ragged breath, the tight knot at the back of her throat was still there.
She had to finish. She had to let him know every barrier that lay between them.
“I am never doing that.” Her voice cracked but held firm. “I am never getting pregnant.” She drew in a ragged breath. “It’s not that I don’t like kids—I love all my friends’ babies. But I can’t. I just can’t—”
“And you never have to,” Declan assured her. “There’s no rule that says anyone has to procreate, thank God. Although I wish sometimes there was an approval process and people couldn’t become parents unless they passed some sort of exam.”
Once again a laugh escaped when she least expected it. “You make it really hard to wallow in my tears.”
“Oh, hell. You go ahead and cry as much as you want. I figure I’ve filled a bucket’s worth a couple times in my life. There are days where I’m tempted to start again. But then those are the times Sadie would remind me I’ve a lot to be grateful for as well.”
Sydney made a rude noise.
He cleared his throat. “She didn’t say it the wrong way.
It wasn’t one of those Pollyanna always-looking-at-the-bright-side bullshit things.
More like remembering to be grateful that I got to have the time I did with my mom.
That I’ve got the memories I do with Sadie.
That I got to experience life and take in the things they both taught me that make me into a better man.
I can’t wish that away. And that’s what I’d be doing if I wished I didn’t hurt as much as I do for losing them. ”
Sydney’s breath was shaky, but at least she’d said that one thing. “I have to apologize.”
He pulled back and let her look up at him. “Better not be for crying in my arms.”
She shook her head. “I’m guilty of thinking you’d want a kid of your own, and there’s no way I can give you one.”
The look he gave her. “Sydney Jeremiah. And here I thought you were the smart one.”
“What? A lot of guys think it’s important that—”
“You look at my family and tell me what you see,” he ordered firmly.
“Just in case you’re still wiping tears from your eyes and things are fuzzy, I’ll start you off.
We’ve got Aiden and Petra, who are signing on kit and caboodle to be mom and dad to a seventeen-year-old.
Then there’s Jake and Tansy raising a five-year-old who is no blood relative, but you tell me they’re not Jeffrey’s mommy and daddy. ”
“I know,” Sydney protested.