18. Casen
Casen
My brother was correct to call me a bastard.
I am a bastard for what I’ve done. I knew it with every kiss and every touch as I fell deeper and deeper under the spell that is the princess’s affections.
I told Jasper I’d come here and observe Princess Cora.
He didn’t have to tell me what he feared.
He didn’t have to tell me what to look for.
He wanted to know if the princess would be worth courting.
He didn’t want to lose his heart to her only to find that she would never accept him because of his… defect.
I was only to observe and report back as to whether or not the match would be what he was after. But once I knew her… And I knew…
There was always a chance of such betrayal, of course. I told him that before I left. One never knows what a person will do when the truth is revealed.
My brother may think I’m a bastard. That may be true. But I can’t regret a moment I spent with Cora. I won’t regret the pleasure I gave her.
And I can’t regret how she handled the truth of me.
Princess Cora should’ve been afraid. Though she faced the death of her mother, she has been sheltered from the horrors of war. I expected her to cover her eyes when she saw me, or perhaps even scream.
She kissed me instead. A gentleness filled with a devotion I’ve never known. And yet, even after she saw me, there was so much more that she needed to know.
How is a man supposed to turn his back on her? How is a man supposed to wait at his brother’s beck and call and be introduced to the woman he loves in the garden, as if he is some dirty secret?
With a mix of emotions blinding me, I stride through the palace at a fast pace, blinded by emotion, not caring who sees me now.
The truth burns in me that I was a dirty secret.
It was my own wish to be so. I didn’t wish for people to look upon my face, and I didn’t even want my brother to hear my voice.
Jasper was perhaps the person I wanted to see and hear me least of all, because he has the clearest memories of the person I used to be.
Now I’m as angry with him as I am with myself. I didn’t believe anyone could look upon me without pity. I didn’t believe any princess would ever kiss me.
Princess Cora did more than kiss me. She begged me not to leave her.
Perhaps that is why I am angry with myself. Perhaps I should have stayed with her until the sun came up, then insisted on going down together.
No—that would have ruined her before all the court. I cannot consider her ruined for the pleasure we took in each other, but the kingdom might not be so open-minded.
I take the winding staircase and head down a long hallway, my footsteps loud on the floor for the first time since I arrived here.
It’s been many days of moving silently in the shadows, and it feels good to be heard, even if no one dares to confront me.
Servants scurry out of my way and duck into rooms ahead of me. I ignore all of them.
Finally, I find what I was looking for—a door leading to a balcony. I go through it and feel the fresh air, put my hands on the stone railing, and breathe.
There were many different paths I could have taken, but I chose this one. This is not the time for regrets or second-guesses.
I only wish I had thought to warn Princess Cora, but how would I have done that? A note under her pillow? The decision was made so quickly that I barely had time to think of it myself, much less sneak into her rooms and leave a note she would no doubt not understand.
Well, it is done.
She knows more of the truth now. Perhaps not all of it, but more.
Part of me hopes the princess will find me here.
We’ve spent enough time together that perhaps she will know where to look for me.
I tip my face up to the sun and let the breeze cool me.
Until today, I would have done this only at night, when I could be certain no one else was about.
The warmth of the sun is almost as pleasing as Cora’s warmth.
This moment nearly reminds me of the heat of battle.
There had been such energy before we took the field.
We had no way of knowing what was to come, and we knew there was a chance it could be deadly.
The dread and anxiety, the need to fight or lose everything, was upon us.
Mercilessly. Relentlessly. And then the rush of the loss, the agony of torture.
Jasper and I always knew there was a chance we might leave our lives on those battlefields.
In a way, that is what happened. I left my life behind forever. I would never again match my brother. I would never again speak with my own voice. I would always have to watch my brother move forward in life with everything I had and lost.
But this was my breaking point. I didn’t know I’d reached it until it was too late. She wanted me and we both soothed each other in ways I’ve needed for so long. To feel worthy of affection and compassion. I have not felt such things in years.
I simply couldn’t do what he wanted. I couldn’t stand by and let him bring me to Cora as if I was a monster who had to be kept from her until he had won her heart.
Did not I win her heart as well? Did not she beg me to stay with her? How else would I have done so? I cannot think of another way.
The balcony I have found overlooks the gardens where I was supposed to meet my brother.
Where I was supposed to be introduced to Princess Cora.
I let out another laugh. The rough sound of the monster I’ve become. A servant far off in the garden pauses to look up at the balcony, but I do not flinch away. I cannot tell if they look upon me or not.
What would Jasper have done? Would he have taken Princess Cora’s hand and whispered words of reassurance into her ear?
Would he have told her it was all right to be afraid? Or would it have been worse? Would he have felt the need to coax her toward me as if I was dangerous?
I couldn’t let him do that to me. For he doesn’t mind my presence in the shadows. My mind plays tricks on me, remembering how my brother’s been there for me when I was not even there for myself and my thoughts betrayed me, but he kept me alive.
My brother may feel that I have humiliated him, but it would have been worse had I met them in the garden as planned. He would surely have seen the recognition on Cora’s face when she looked upon me. He might even have assumed more, and he would have been correct.
And then she would have to witness our falling out.
Perhaps I was a coward. Perhaps I am a bastard. Perhaps I am only telling myself that it is better this way because I cannot go back and do it over.
I look over the gardens and force myself to consider the idea.
If I could, would I do things differently? Would I go back and wait in the garden? Would I risk my brother’s humiliation at such a moment instead of making it come more quickly?
No. I do not think I would. Jasper might have blamed both me and Princess Cora for what we found together in the secrecy of her chamber. My brother may reach the conclusion that some blame rests with her, but for now I have saved him from that.
I’ve bought us time, if nothing else.
As I stand at the balcony, there is a commotion below me. A raised voice, followed by others.
My brother strides out into the garden with several servants in tow.
“I need nothing,” he insists, his voice carrying to where I stand on the balcony.
I can tell he is close to losing his temper.
“If I have need of something, I will send word. Thank you,” he says, then turns away from them all and stalks into a narrow hall.
My chest tightens at the sight of him. I’ve been his undoing.
I didn’t wish to cause him pain, I merely wished to soothe my own.
I step back from the balcony. There’s not much shade to hide me, but I move closer to the wall, nonetheless. This is a habit I’ve had since we returned from battle—since Jasper returned from battle, and someone who is not quite me returned with him.
I don’t fear that he might see me. I only wish to give him the privacy he so clearly desires.
Though part of me wishes I could go to him and speak to him as I used to. With my voice, not with words written on paper. If my voice had not been ruined by my injuries, perhaps Jasper would be able to hear the truth in what I said.
Jasper walks about the paths in the garden. He disappears from view and reappears as he crosses through the hedges, his expression stormy.
People stir once more by the door below me. This time, when the servants appear, it is with much more seriousness.
The king enters the garden. The servants fall silent as he passes, then remove themselves from the path, other than two of his men, who follow closely behind him.
“Prince Jasper,” the king calls to my brother, who stops at the end of a path and bows to him. “Come walk with me. I wish to have a word with you.”
I do not stay to watch my brother speak to the king. I slip back into the palace, my mind no more changed than it was when I came out onto the balcony.
I did what needed to be done for Princess Cora. If I had not, she would have given herself to whomever caught her fantasy. The princess might have ended up with someone else—not Jasper, and certainly not me. I would never let that happen.
She was always meant for the both of us.