Chapter 15 Finally the Truth
Finally the Truth
Raewyn
Kissing Pharis again was like taking a full breath after having a heavy weight removed from my chest. It didn’t just feel good—it felt essential.
Our mouths moved in perfect concert as raw emotion and deep need charged through my body, enlivening every nerve.
And when his hands started moving, exploring my skin beneath the water, I was filled with a sense of urgency and pleasure so intense it seemed impossible to bear.
My heartbeat roared in my ears as he pulled his lips from mine and moved them over my face and neck, kissing me feverishly while whispering words of worship and desire.
Yes yes yes. I was lightheaded with my own desire. The feelings he elicited in me resembled the way he’d made me feel on that blanket in Havendor, but they were even stronger.
I knew him on a deeper level now—and wanted him even more.
Pharis moved his mouth lower, kissing his way across my collarbone and upper chest, his hands roaming all the while as if he was driven to touch as much of me as possible all at once.
“Why can I never get enough of you?” I said between pants. “Even when I don’t want to want you?”
As if someone had thrown icy water over him, Pharis froze.
Abruptly he released me and backed away, staring at me with wide eyes as his chest rose and fell rapidly.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Why did you stop?”
He looked away and shook his head almost violently as if trying to rid himself of a persistent hornet.
“We can’t. I can’t.”
“Why not?” I asked, wading closer to him again on tiptoe. “I can tell you want to.”
Pharis had the nerve to deny it. “I don’t.”
Taking in my incredulous expression, he corrected himself.
“I won’t.”
Reaching for his waist, I wrapped my arms around it and pulled myself against him again, burning with passion and the kind of frustration I’d never felt before in my life. I pressed imploring kisses to his hard chest.
“It’s okay, Pharis. I’m ready. I’m willing,” I assured him.
“No.”
He broke my hold and in two powerful strokes, reached the side of the pool, pulling himself out.
Without waiting even a few seconds for his skin to dry, he grabbed his pants from the bank and began yanking them on.
I swam to the side of the pool, watching in bafflement as he hastily dressed. Whereas I hadn’t noticed the cold at all in the past few minutes, suddenly, I was very aware of it.
What had changed?
“Why are you behaving this way? What happened?”
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. It’s not going to happen,” he said.
While my body was still buzzing with pleasurable sensations, my mind was clearing slowly. And filling with irritation.
“Was this some kind of a joke to you?” I demanded. “I was trying to walk away, but then you lured me in here like a Selkie. You invited me to come into the water.”
“I know. It was a mistake. I… it’s not like that with us, little Wyn. It never will be.”
I was so frustrated I wanted to scream. It was definitely “like that” with us—and always had been.
“So you’re saying this is all in my head?” I asked. “That you don’t want me that way?”
It was obvious he was still aroused. I could see it, and I could feel it in the waves of heat still emanating from his body.
Though his eyes still roamed over me, filled with unmistakable hunger, Pharis continued to lie.
“I would have responded like that to any naked woman.”
“Really?”
I climbed out of the pool and walked toward Pharis, daring him to look away. Finally he did, breathing like a winded horse.
His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides.
“Don’t come any closer,” he said.
Once again, his words were laced with freakishly strong Sway. With no other choice, I stopped in place.
But I didn’t stop talking.
“I see your greatest fear, you know,” I said.
Pharis’ head whipped back toward me, but he studiously kept his eyes on mine, not allowing his gaze to drop to my bare skin displayed so shamelessly in front of him.
“I’ve known it all along,” I said. “But my gift has only gotten stronger thanks to all the training and practice you’ve provided. You’re afraid no one could love you once they know you fully, that you don’t deserve it. That you’ll always be alone.”
Pharis looked like he’d been slapped, his cheeks red and his eyes round.
“You don’t have to be alone,” I told him. “I’m willing to stay with you. But you’ve got to stop keeping me at arm’s length and actually let me in.”
“You’re wrong,” he said. “I don’t fear being alone. I want to be.”
I lifted an eyebrow. Care to confirm that mind-to-mind?
Pharis only glared at me, and it was all the confirmation I needed.
“That’s what I thought,” I said.
I held out my arms and tried to take a step closer, but his glamour held me in place.
“You’re letting your fear win,” I said. “I thought you were braver than that. I know you carry guilt over your mother’s death, but you can be free of that shame anytime you decide to be. You are worthy when you decide you are.”
“I told you, you’re wrong,” he insisted. “Your fledgling glamour isn’t as foolproof as you think it is.”
I let out a laugh devoid of any humor. The pitiful wretch was just going to stand there and keep lying to me, when it was so obvious he was desperate for the love and acceptance I was offering.
“Fine. Then let me go,” I said, dropping my arms. “You said I could leave when I was healed. Then when I was healed, you said I could leave when I was trained. And then it was that you needed my glamour. You’re out of excuses, My Prince.
I’ve done everything you’ve asked. If you don’t want me, let me go find someone who will. ”
Pharis maintained his baleful glare, obviously furious with me for my ultimatum.
“I still need your help,” he said.
“Well I’m through giving it. I believe I’ve already paid my debt to you for saving my life.”
I wasn’t sure if he’d realized it, but Pharis had moved several paces closer.
“Three times,” he growled, displaying the debt count on his fingers. “I’ve saved your life three times—at least.”
I jutted my chin up at him. “How much indentured servitude does that equal then? How many weeks, months, years? How long? When exactly do you plan to let me go?”
After a long, tense silence, he said, “When I’m ready.”
But another word came through mind-to-mind, distinctly in his voice.
Never.
Finally. The truth, I said.
Pharis’ eyelids flared in shock, as if he hadn’t meant for me to hear the real answer. I guessed I wasn’t the only one who leaked thoughts when they weren’t careful.
“But it’s not for the reason you’re thinking,” he said. “You know too much. You’ve seen too much. I can’t take the chance you’ll tell the King what I’ve been up to.”
“You can do better than that,” I chided him. “With Sway like yours, you could easily order me not to tell anyone what I’ve seen. What if I vow mind-to-mind that I’ll never go back to the royal city? I won’t give your father the chance to find me.”
He looked at the ground and rubbed one eyebrow with his thumb. “No. It’s too risky.”
“So I am a prisoner after all,” I said. “Though for the life of me, I can’t imagine why you keep me around. If you refuse to let yourself have me, then why not let me go?”
Pharis’ jaw hardened.
“I need your glamour,” he said through gritted teeth. “That’s all it is.”
I nodded, bitter tears filling my eyes.
“Good luck with that. You might be able to keep me here, but you can’t force me to use my glamour. Do your own fear-detecting from now on, My Prince.”
The sun had disappeared below the horizon, and the temperature had plummeted. My bare skin and hair were wet. I was shaking at this point, my teeth chattering.
Pharis approached me slowly, peeling off his shirt and jacket. He wrapped them around me then turned and walked away without another word.
Once he was out of sight, his Sway released its grip on me.
Swearing under my breath, I dressed in my own clothing and shoes, leaving his jacket and shirt on the ground, then marched toward the house.
Pharis might have been lying, but I’d been telling the truth.
I. Was. Done.
Done helping him with whatever scheme he was cooking up.
Done with the maddening push and pull, the endless waiting for him to admit his feelings, the tiny portions of warmth and affection he doled out like sips of rare wine.
I’d already subsisted on a starvation diet once in my life. I refused to do it again, physically or emotionally.
Instead of going into the castle, I veered and walked around it then headed down the road leading away from it. I had no idea where it would take me once I left the estate, and I didn’t care.
As long as it was away from here and that exasperating man.
Maybe I would return to the royal city after all. At least Stellon had known what he wanted.
Of course I had no idea which way to go or how far away it was. All I knew about the location of Stormcrest was that it was to the north of Merisola.
The temperature had continued to drop. The air was frigid now. And my hair was still damp.
I should have kept the jacket.
Regardless, a little cold wasn’t going to stop me. I’d brave whatever elements necessary to put some distance between me and Pharis.
The carriage path between his castle and the main road was much longer than I’d expected. By the time I reached the end of it, my legs were fatigued, and my fingers and toes were nearly frozen.
Hopefully there was a town nearby with an inn or even a nice barn where I could curl up in the hay and sleep till morning.
Before stepping onto the main road, I turned back to take a last look at Stormcrest in the moonlight.
All I saw was darkness. I must have been too far away already.
Just as well. I didn’t need a parting image to remind me of how much I’d miss this place.
Over these past few weeks, I’d fallen in love with its incredible library, and beautiful vistas, and the wonderful members of the household staff.
And with Pharis.
Who was I kidding? I’d fallen for him long ago. Which was why I had to leave.
If he was even capable of love, he refused to give it. Or accept it.
And I couldn’t accept living in limbo forever.
Stepping out onto the road, I picked a direction at random and began walking.
As the night went on and the cold deepened, I realized I was taking smaller and smaller steps. My lungs hurt from the icy air, and my joints were locking up from the cold.
I wasn’t sure how far I’d made it when they stopped working altogether and I dropped to the ground.