Chapter 16 Not an Option
Not an Option
Pharis
Sleep was impossible with these conflicting feelings of elation and guilt doing battle in my body and mind.
I tossed and turned in my bed, reliving the immense pleasure of kissing and touching Raewyn in the pool, burning for more of her.
But as good as it had felt, body and soul, it hadn’t been real—on her part at least.
She’d been under compulsion.
Shame joined the mix of emotions roiling inside me, and I punched the plush mattress repeatedly, cursing myself for the thousandth time.
In spite of my promise not to use my powers to manipulate her, when I’d heard Raewyn’s mental reaction to seeing me naked, I’d lost control of myself.
I’d used the Compelling glamour siphoned from my father to lure her into the water, compelled her into taking off her clothes and revealing that soft, lush, beautiful body of hers and offering it to me.
Even when I attempted to drop the compulsion, it apparently still affected her.
Raewyn would never be so forward with me. Not unless she wanted me as much as I wanted her, and that was literally impossible.
My overwhelming desire for her was the excuse I’d made for finally allowing myself to kiss her.
I’d meant to keep it light, just one or two kisses. Naturally I’d failed. The woman had a gift for shattering my self restraint.
At least I’d found the strength to stop before it had gone too far.
Still, she was right when she said she couldn’t trust me. I couldn’t trust myself, and I had demonstrated that fact in spectacular fashion.
Finally, I rolled out of bed and left my suite, taking the stairs down to the castle’s second level, heading for Raewyn’s room.
It was too late to apologize—she’d be in bed at this hour, but I would step inside and check on her, as I did every night while she was sleeping. Hopefully she hadn’t been too upset by the incident and had managed to drop off to sleep herself.
Kem, the ladies maid, was sitting in the chair outside Raewyn’s door.
She stood when she saw me approaching, looking surprised.
“Did you need to fetch some nightclothes for her?” she asked. “You could have called. I would have brought them to your chambers.”
I shook my head. “What?”
“Nightclothes… for Lady Raewyn,” Kem said, her voice growing weaker as she took in my confused expression.
“Is she not with you then?” she asked.
“What are you talking about?” I pushed open Raewyn’s door.
Her room was empty, the bed still made.
Striding to the adjoining bathing room, I held up the candle lamp.
“She’s not in there,” Kem told me unnecessarily. “She hasn’t been to her suite since this afternoon when she went out for a walk. I thought… I thought she was with you. One of the groundskeepers said you took a swim together, and…”
She stopped there, electing not to speak aloud about delicate subject matter. If a groundskeeper had seen us, he’d known very well that Raewyn and I weren’t swimming.
“I haven’t seen her since I left her at the pool,” I said, breaking into a run as I headed for the stairs.
“Wake everyone,” I ordered, taking them two at a time. “Tell them to search the house.”
Flinging open the library doors, I found it dark and empty. I did a quick check of the kitchen—also dark— before running to the back doors and leaping from the terrace stairs to run across the lawn.
Had Raewyn gone back into the bathing pool after I’d left? Had she slipped and fallen, perhaps striking her head on the hard travertine ledge?
Terror filled my body with adrenaline as I ran to the pools, praying to the gods that I wouldn’t find her body floating there.
I reached it and ran the perimeter, searching the water and the banks, finding nothing but my discarded shirt and jacket. Raewyn’s clothes were not there, though, which I took as a good sign.
She must have been in the house somewhere. Perhaps she’d fallen asleep on one of the library’s upper floors, and her candle had gone out.
When I got back to the house, it was alight with lanterns and flurried activity.
Going to the library, I found a footman coming out.
“Did you search every floor?” I asked.
He nodded rapidly. “She’s not in there, My Prince.”
The others I checked with said they’d also found no sign of her. No one had seen Raewyn since earlier in the day.
She hadn’t returned to the house since our fight.
Breath fogging the cold air in front of me, I ran to the stables and saddled Dargan, putting him into a gallop as I began searching the estate grounds.
Had she decided to keep walking, even after dark?
She could have twisted her ankle or fallen into a ravine… or fallen over the scenic overlook onto the unforgiving marble terrace below.
My heart pounded as I directed Dargan that way and urged him into a hard run, praying I wouldn’t look down and see her twisted body when we got there.
Sliding from the saddle before he’d even stopped, I leaned forward and looked over the railing, seeing nothing. Then I ran down the stairs to the lower terrace just to make sure.
There was no sign of her.
Where could she have gone?
Recalling her challenge today—to either love her or let her leave—the answer came to me with terrifying clarity.
Raewyn had left me.
Warmed by instant rage, I hardly felt the cold night air as I raced on horseback down the path between my home and the public road.
How many hours had it been since we’d argued? How far could she have gotten since then?
The town of Bermingham wasn’t that far away to the north, and Grayport was only a bit farther to the south. If she’d made it to either of them, she could be behind any one of a hundred doors by now.
I’d knock them all off their hinges to find her if that’s what it took.
Dargan was breathing heavily by now, but sensing my urgency, he didn’t let up his pace, running headlong down the castle road and out onto the public thoroughfare.
“Which way, boy?” I asked, turning him left then right.
The horse had no idea of course, and neither did I. I should have thought to grab the looking glass before leaving the castle.
Picking a direction, I headed south toward Grayport.
In my haste, I’d also neglected to bring a lantern with me from the house, but thankfully there was enough moonlight for the horse to navigate the rutted dirt road.
After all we’d been through together, it wouldn’t be right to let him break an ankle because I’d been fool enough to drive Raewyn away.
I let him slow to a trot, and we moved down the road while I prayed I’d chosen the right direction.
No matter. If I didn’t find her in the first town, I’d move to the next. Raewyn only thought she was rid of me.
About halfway to Grayport, I spotted something lying to one side of the road, partially concealed by overhanging trees which cast shadows from the moon.
Slowing Dargan to a walk, I drew my sword from its scabbard.
Highwaymen sometimes laid in wait along the public road. I had no time or patience tonight for any would-be robbers.
“You’ve picked the wrong target, friend,” I warned. “Either show yourself or run away if you value your life.”
There was no answer, and the dark shape didn’t move.
As we drew closer, I realized it wasn’t a robber waiting to ambush me.
It was Raewyn.
“Oh gods,” I breathed and leapt from my horse.
Crouching over her, I rolled her to her back. Her skin felt cold beneath her clothing.
Please be alive, little Wyn, I said to her, then prayed, “Please let her be alive,” to any deity or force that might have been listening.
A small puff of steam came from her mouth, barely there, but there nonetheless.
A much larger breath clouded the air between us as I let out a cry of relief.
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
But Raewyn wasn’t out of the woods yet. Her body felt like a block of ice as I gathered her in my arms and carried her to my horse.
Draping her across the saddle, I climbed on behind her and turned Dargan around to race back toward the house.
The healer stepped out of Raewyn’s room, nearly running into me as I hovered just outside the door.
“How is she?”
“She’s fine,” she said. “A bit tired.”
After a pause she added, “She doesn’t want to see you.”
I nodded and dropped back into the chair in the hall.
I’d watched Elanor work for hours last night, using her glamour to bring Raewyn back from the brink of hypothermia and death.
I’d only collapsed for a few hours of sleep myself after the healer assured me Raewyn would survive and fully heal.
“What am I going to do?” I asked miserably.
Elanor’s face softened into a maternal smile as she placed a hand on my head.
“Take her to her family?”
“No,” I said.
“Tell her the truth?”
“I can’t do that either.”
“Well then I’m sorry. I cannot cure a condition like yours,” the woman said.
“What condition?”
She gave me an affectionate shake. “Love.”
I shot her a quelling look, but the healer continued anyway.
“Don’t try to deny it. It’s obvious to us all,” she said. “And we understand—we all love Raewyn. We want her to stay, just as you do. But things cannot go on like this.”
My response was begrudging. “I know. I’m just not sure what to do about it.”
“Love her,” the healer said, as if it was obvious. “I believe she loves you, too—or could, if you’d give her the chance.”
“That’s not an option,” I informed her.
The healer’s well-meaning advice wasn’t any more useful than the matchmaker’s glamour. My love and desire for Raewyn had never done anything but hurt her. It was who I was.
I got up and left, not wanting to leave Raewyn’s door but desperate to get away from Elanor’s annoying sympathetic expression.