Chapter 17
It had been wrong to confess my feelings to him.
I should have loved him wordlessly.
Selene
A week had gone by since I’d last seen or heard from Neil.
Too many times, I had found myself wondering why he’d run away and what was so wrong about the declaration that I hadn’t even been able to finish.
And to think that, for that moment, everything had been magical.
I remembered exactly how he’d kissed me in the park, his tongue tangling with mine and stealing my breath, his hips grinding against me, pressing into whatever gas pedal made my heart race unstoppably.
Then I had ruined everything by speaking without thinking, by telling him what was in my heart.
I huffed and tossed my silverware down on my plate, my stomach completely shattered. Thoughts of Neil haunted me; I even thought I caught a whiff of his musky scent in the air like he was right next to me in the campus cafeteria where I’d met my friends for lunch.
“Okay, what’s going on with you? You haven’t said a word,” asked Bailey, who had just finished her salad. Next to her, Janel said nothing; she just looked at me, curious to hear what I’d say.
“I guess I…” I gave a heartbroken sigh. “I just can’t keep up with him,” I said, suddenly resigned to the notion that I would never be able to manage someone like Neil.
“Are we talking about Neil?” Bailey asked, and I nodded. I’d told my friends everything that happened because I needed to talk it out with someone. While Bailey thought Neil might deserve another chance, Janel argued that he was too much of an asshole with too many problems.
“You should just forget about him,” she said just then, waving a hand dismissively before pausing to peel a banana.
I pushed my soup aside, sick to my stomach at the thought of eating anything, and looked down at my legs.
The entire situation was screwed up. I should have been talking to Neil himself.
We should have been facing the obstacles in our path together, hand in hand, going up against everything and everyone.
Instead, we weren’t communicating at all.
I couldn’t understand him and I, in turn, did not feel understood.
It was a constant struggle between us, and I was afraid that I didn’t have the strength to keep chasing him. But I was also afraid of resigning myself to the reality that he and I could never be an “us.”
“Selene…” Janel laid her hand over mine and looked sadly at me.
“That guy only seeks you out to fuck. You should put an end to this toxic relationship,” she said, sounding concerned.
What she didn’t know was that Neil no longer even sought me out for sex.
He’d had opportunities, but he always either settled for fooling around or stopped before undressing me and getting down to it.
That approach wasn’t at all normal for him.
Usually he was assertive and domineering, always demanding my attention and particularly physical attention because it was the way he communicated.
Now, though, he seemed almost trapped, stuck trying to cope with impulses that he couldn’t indulge.
I had registered this new behavior, but I still hadn’t figured out why he was doing it.
“Yeah, maybe I should.” I glanced down again and thought about the note he’d written me on that dumb little Post-it that night: I’ll always be there for you, but not the way you want. I’m sorry I can’t stay.
I smiled bitterly at myself. Why did he come if he didn’t know how to stay?
Like always, Neil contradicted himself. His tortured logic was the result of his conflicted personality.
“H-he’s too out of control,” I blurted out in a sob that made both of my friends jump.
“What did he come to Detroit for? Just to hurt me again? All he does is run away, then come back—over and over again. He’s completely unstable, has no idea what he wants, and I’m tired of it!
” I said in a long rush while the two of them exchanged bewildered looks.
I was having a genuine freak-out. “I gave him everything. All of me…” I took my head in my hands in exasperation, and I just barely kept from crying.
I had already shed more than enough tears over him.
“Feelings don’t always show up in the ways we’re accustomed to, you know.
Love doesn’t always require an explicit declaration.
I mean, how many times is ‘I love you’ said and taken back every day?
” Bailey, ever the optimist, put in. “So many. Too many. I don’t think Neil will ever be the kind of guy who loves in a conventional way.
He’ll love the way he thinks is right, the way that conforms to his beliefs.
” She shrugged, and I tilted my head to one side, confused.
“What do you mean?” Janel asked.
“Just that Neil could very well love Selene while still being just as complicated as he’s always been.
I mean, he’s never going to be someone who makes big declarations with flowers or whatever.
From the way you described it, Selene, it sounds like he thinks those kinds of gestures don’t really matter.
But, believe me, bestie—it’s the hidden feelings that usually turn out to be the truest. You don’t have to shout at the stars to get their attention, you know?
I think Neil’s like that. He’ll be able to love you someday, but he’ll do it in his own way.
Maybe that will make it even more special.
” Bailey smiled at me, and for a moment, a flicker of hope ignited in my chest. Maybe she was right.
Maybe Neil attributed some other meaning to the word “love,” but that didn’t mean he didn’t care about me.
“Huh, so when you’re not talking about Tyler, you are capable of saying smart stuff. I’m shocked,” Janel teased, hand over her heart, and Bailey rolled her eyes.
“Look, I’m an extremely intuitive person,” she answered, puffing out her chest with pride.
“Oh yeah, you deserve a standing ovation from the rest of the student body in here,” Janel said, and we all started laughing. After that light moment, however, thoughts crept relentlessly back into my mind, turning me glum again.
“So what should I do now?” I was pathetic. I should have just said it was over for me, that I was going to move on and find someone else to date. Instead, here I was brainstorming ways to fix things with Neil.
What a dummy.
“Forget about words of love, Selene. What Neil needs is substance, not style,” Bailey jumped in again, like she knew the man better than I did.
To be fair, my friend seemed to be better at interpreting my Disaster’s thought process than I was.
“He doesn’t believe in love, right? Then you need to love him without explicitly telling him you love him.
Love him when you look at him, when you hold him, when you talk to him, when you joke together, and when you have sex.
He clearly doesn’t want to hear the words, and he won’t accept them,” she concluded.
Neil believed in silence; that was true. It had been wrong to confess my feelings to him. I should have loved him wordlessly. Maybe he’d only be able to believe in my love when he felt it inside himself without me needing to say anything at all.
I felt more peaceful by the time I got home; talking to my friends had been really helpful. I joined my mother in the kitchen with a smile on my face, which only got wider when I caught the smell of cherry pie—my favorite—in the air. Content, I flopped down in a chair.
“You’re a fantastic mom,” I complimented, looking fondly at her colorful apron and matching oven mitt.
“Don’t think you’re going to flatter your way out of talking to me about…
the thing,” she murmured, stooping to pull the fully baked pie from the oven.
I knew perfectly well that “the thing” meant Neil and me.
My mother still didn’t like knowing that I hadn’t confided in her, but she couldn’t understand how embarrassing it would have been to tell her about my pseudo-relationship.
“I’m not jumping with joy at the knowledge that you and Mia’s son were—or are—in a relationship, just to be clear,” she said in a firm, authoritative voice.
“But it’s done now. You’re an adult, and I want you to make your own choices and take responsibility for them.
” She sighed as she began cutting the pie into slices, depositing them on our plates.
“And, for the record, I sincerely hope you used protection every time. I don’t want a grandchild before you graduate from college! Remember that!”
My eyes bugged slightly as I coughed at the unexpected direction this conversation had taken.
Ever since Neil left, my mother had done nothing but ask me intrusive questions and make all sorts of insinuations. She was perpetually on edge and it was really annoying me.
“Mom!” I raised my voice, my face flushed with obvious embarrassment, but she just turned to look at me with one eyebrow arched.
“Can we please not talk about this?” I mumbled, my cheeks fully aflame, and, mercifully, she didn’t keep going.
“Hey, aren’t you going to that spa tomorrow with Betty and your other friends for her birthday?
” I asked, changing the subject entirely.
“Yes, though I’m not quite sure about leaving you here on your own for two days,” she said uncertainly, untying the apron strings to pull it off.
“Oh my God, I am not a child! I can survive forty-eight hours without you.” I made a sassy face at her, and she looked back at me sternly.
“Plus, Betty is your best friend. She wants to spend time with you and the other ladies. You’ve all known each other for years, and it means a lot to her that you’re there,” I added, balancing my chin on my palm and waiting for my mother to sit down so we could have our favorite dessert together.
“Yes, but—” she began, and I shook my head, cutting her off.