Chapter 18 #5
“Yeah, that’s right. All you do is bitch.
” He was starting to go off the rails; I could tell from the stormy look on his face, his tight muscles, and the way his voice changed.
And all of it scared me. “You are so wrapped up in your own fucking technicolor world, Selene. You’re always thinking about what I’m doing with other people, and you still can’t see that you are not like any of them.
Okay, so I’m not perfect. I don’t snuggle.
I don’t cuddle. I don’t whisper sweet nothings into your ear, but so the fuck what?
Is there some postcoital rulebook you have to follow?
Maybe you need candy and roses or something like that?
You’re so convinced I use you like I use them because you’re incapable of understanding nuance.
Several times now you’ve brought up other women because you’re insecure, and maybe that’s my fault too because I can’t give you the attention you want, but that doesn’t give you the right to constantly question me or make me feel crushed about this fucking situation that I can’t handle any better than you!
” He advanced on me, fuming, and I staggered backward.
“But…” I started to reply, but I trailed off when Neil approached, menacing me into silence.
“You really don’t see it, do you? I came to Detroit again for you, to make sure that you were okay, because I knew perfectly well that I was wrong to leave the way I did last time.
Because of you, I’m skipping out on my entire life,” he ranted furiously, making me tremble with fear.
“But you have to understand I am fucked up. I always have been, and you need to stop believing in this nonexistent ‘us’ you’ve created.
What do you see when you look at me right now?
A man or a monster? Tell me!” he snapped, inches from my face, as I stayed plastered against the wall in fear.
Neil took me by the hair and yanked me forward, forcing me to look into his eyes. “Tell me. What do you see right now?”
“I see a man who has met a monster on his path,” I said softly, and his eyes widened in surprise. He stood motionless for a few moments, then loosened his grip on my hair and took a step back.
“What do you know about it?” he asked me warily. There was no way I could tell him that Logan had told me part of the truth about Kimberly Bennett, so I pretended I didn’t know any specifics.
“I figured it out.” I squeezed the sweatshirt in my fists and tossed my bangs to one side.
I was exhausted and fuzzy-headed. Keeping a conversation going with Neil in that condition was harder than I’d thought.
After a moment, he started prowling around my room, unsure of what to do next.
Maybe he did want to leave, to run away from me again. But I wasn’t going to let him.
“Why don’t we try to make all that anguish slip away?
” I asked him, and he turned to look warily at me, stopping in the middle of the room.
“Why don’t we wash away some of that dirt you feel on you?
Why don’t we give in to the mad urge we both have and you can get a little bit of me and I’ll get a little bit of you and we’ll both try to understand what we’re feeling?
” I drew closer to him, fearlessly this time, and Neil just stood there motionless and listened to me.
“Why don’t you let me touch you and hold you, because you know that I would never hurt you?
Let’s chase away your fears and face the world together.
Let’s beat back your past, erase all the bad memories, and live here in the present.
Even if your reality is one no one would want.
Stand with me, shoulders back, chest out, eyes wary, and your hand in mine.
Because it’s there in those hands, linked in fire-forged chains, that we will find our real strength,” I finished.
Neil seemed moved by my words. His shoulders slumped, and he rubbed his eyebrows, squeezing his eyes shut.
Then he strode toward me with a grave, austere frown on his face.
I shivered at the idea of him yelling at me again, but instead he took me by the nape of the neck and rubbed our noses together, staring into my eyes.
“Why don’t you shut up and kiss me?” he said.
I licked my lips, and he immediately seized them.
The kiss was merciless, carnal, and seductive.
Neil was staking his claim on me, and I no longer even knew where we were.
Just like always, I felt completely sublimated and transported to another world. His world.
I clung to him, and only when he stopped to press his forehead against mine was I able to get a breath. He took notice and grinned, fully aware of the effect he had on me.
“I don’t want to fight with you, Selene.” He touched my cheek and stared thoughtfully into my eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here tonight,” he added, and my anger vanished the moment I saw the tenderness woven into his words, a tenderness he rarely ever showed to anyone.
“I don’t want to fight either,” I said, smiling faintly as I reveled in his touch.
“Then let’s just go to sleep.” He turned from me and went to the bed.
I still didn’t know exactly why he’d decided to stay, but I was thrilled to be sleeping next to him again.
It had only happened once before, and he had told me clearly the next morning that it hadn’t meant anything, but to me, everything shared was incredibly meaningful.
Neil stretched out on my bed, beautiful as any god, and shamelessly ogled my bare thighs, barely skimmed by his sweatshirt.
I walked unsteadily over to him and settled myself beside him.
A moment later, he pulled me against him with one arm, slotting our bodies together like two pieces of an unfinished puzzle.
I let my back rest against his chest and felt him sigh.
I felt even smaller like that with his powerful arm clutching me under my breasts.
I also felt protected and doted upon when Neil began to rub his nose along my throat.
“How many women have worn your shirts like this?” I asked, biting my lip too late to stop the inappropriate question. I really didn’t want to fight again, and I hoped he wouldn’t get mad.
“Two,” he admitted, and jealousy clenched like a fist in my stomach.
I hated having those feelings, but I couldn’t stop them.
I forced myself not to push him away, but Neil could feel my discomfort and squeezed me harder.
“First my sister, and now another fucking girl who is constantly pissing me off,” he said softly, nibbling my earlobe and rubbing himself against my ass until I could feel how much he wanted me still.
I rolled over on my other side then and looked him in the eye, miffed.
“Why do you always have to be such a grouch?” I sulked, and he gave my back long, slow strokes.
“Don’t you like me that way?” He kissed the tip of my nose and looked at me.
“No,” I lied. His deep, rough voice sent little spikes of electricity through my chest, and he smelled so good that I forgot any reasonable thing I wanted to tell him.
“Such a liar…” He quit stroking my back and brushed against my hip before tracing the edges of my panties with an index finger. He slipped a hand underneath the fabric, and I shivered.
“You don’t like me, but you’re wet for me again,” he whispered, stroking me between my thighs. Meanwhile, his erection was still pressing against me, a sure sign of his raging desire. Neil never ran out of energy for sex. It was his true medium, the realm where he was able to unleash all his power.
“And you’re hard for me again,” I teased, and Neil kissed my neck, slowly dragging his hand out of my panties.
“Aaaand it’s time for sleep now,” he said firmly. “And I’d prefer to have your cute little ass rubbing up on me all night.” He rolled me back over into spooning position. Sometimes I felt like my body was just a marionette for him to manipulate with his hands.
I stopped worrying, though, when he put his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head, breathing in the scent of my hair.
Several silent minutes passed while I looked into the darkness in front of me and imagined I was a tiny butterfly watching us from above.
I fluttered over our bodies, wings beating languidly and elegantly, and I admired us as we lay next to each other.
The perfect pair on a big bed that smelled of sex, of chaos, of feeling, of fighting, of laughter, of hugs, of our skin and breath, and of kisses.
What a pity that, in reality, almost nothing about us was perfect…
Nothing.
With a strange feeling of anguish inside me, I turned to him again, perhaps hoping to dismantle some of my insecurities.
“Neil?” I said, hoping he hadn’t fallen asleep already.
“What?” he answered immediately, sounding bored.
“Do you care about me?” I asked him.
“Go to sleep, Selene.” He repositioned himself and snorted.
“A little bit, at least?” I insisted through a sleepy yawn.
“Good night,” he shut me down with typical coolness.
“But…”
“Babygirl, stop fucking with me and go to sleep,” he ordered grimly, and I rolled my eyes.
“You’re an idiot,” I shot back at him.
“And you’re a fairy. My Tinkerbell. That enough for you?” I felt his breath disturb my hair and squirmed against him.
“No, I want to be exclusive.” I turned to give him a sideways glance. I could tell that Neil was considering my request.
“Meaning?”
“No other women. I’m the only one who gets to touch you,” I explained, and he didn’t say anything in return; instead, he went back to dragging the tip of his nose along my skin. The long silence quickly became unbearable.
“I’ll think about it,” he promised. It wasn’t a yes, but it wasn’t a flat-out refusal either. Maybe even Neil had realized that this thing of ours could be improved if he would commit to giving me more than just the same thing he offered to everyone else.
“Thank you,” I murmured.
“Selene?” For the first time, he was the one who sought my attention, and I turned again to him. “I might have some nightmares…” he explained in a worried tone, but I rubbed the back of his hand, which was splayed over my stomach.
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll banish them together.
Just close your eyes.” I rolled over fully to face him, and after a few moments of hesitation, he obeyed me.
Then I deposited a sweet little kiss on his right eyelid and then another one on his left.
Neil slowly opened his eyes again, his golden gaze even brighter somehow.
“It’s called the angel’s kiss. My grandma used to do it to me when I was little and couldn’t sleep because I was too afraid of the dark. She said it had the power to chase away any nightmare.”
Neil watched me gravely, one corner of his mouth creeping up in a lazy, sensual fashion. He pulled my head down against his chest.
“You are sickly sweet, Tigress. Be aware—I’m going to want these kisses all the time,” he said softly. Was that his way of paying me a compliment? I didn’t have time to ponder it, however, because Neil pulled me against him, and my heart began to flutter in my chest like the wings of a hummingbird.
“You can have all the angel kisses you want if you just keep telling me about yourself, okay?” I nestled into him as I reminded him of our deal.
“Okay,” he answered, and then I closed my eyes, falling asleep.
Neil was circulating inside me by that point.
My love for him was undying.
And who knew? Maybe one day his heart would also transform into a hummingbird?
And would his skin also erupt into goosebumps when he heard my voice?
And would his legs shake when he looked at me?
Who could say?
After all, everyone knows that love is a risk.
And a pleasure.
And an act of bravery.
And a wound.
Of course his inner chaos had gotten into my own head and changed me.
But I was not afraid.
He would always find comfort in my arms, like the arms of an angel.
Because he was a part of me now.
And he always would be.