Chapter 20 #2
Heat rises in me at the earnestness in his voice and on his face.
It’s clear he means every word, and I think back over the various times he’s stood up for me this trip.
Even when he was furious at me or hating me, even when he wanted nothing to do with me, he still tried to protect me from the rest of the world.
I fight down the urge to tug him closer—to feel his comforting weight pressed against me. If I wanted a reenactment of our original fight, that would be a surefire way to do it. Instead, I take a deep breath and pour my guts out. “My mom passed away.”
Chris’ eyes widen, and before I can react, he’s the one who closes the gap between us.
His arms wrap around me, and I close my eyes, burying my face in his neck and inhaling his familiar scent.
I allow myself to the count of five—five glorious seconds of pretending like the last two years never happened, and Chris and I are still a we.
Then, I force myself to release my grip and step away. Chris lowers his arms, letting me go.
“God, Perce, I’m so sorry.” The anguish in his voice threatens my fragile composure. “I know how close you were.”
I nod, my throat tight.
He hesitates, and I can see the war playing out on his face. He wants to ask me something but isn’t sure if he should.
“Go ahead,” I say, even as my gut churns. “I don’t mind talking about her.”
I can’t tell if he sees through the lie. Either way, he asks, “When? I mean, when did she, uh…”
My pulse quickens, and I take a deep breath, striving to maintain my self-composure. “A little over a year ago, in the summer. But I found out she was sick the December before, so I had a few months to prepare.”
Not that there’s any way to prepare for something like that.
I watch as he does the mental math and can tell the moment it clicks, his face paling. “December our freshman year? But that means…”
I nod again—the best response I can manage.
For a moment, he looks like he wants to step toward me again before rubbing the back of his neck instead. “Christ, Perce. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I tried to,” I say, fiddling nervously with my glasses. “On the ferry, and then again right here that original Saturday. But after the second time you shut me down, I figured it was better to leave it alone. Dredging up our past only seemed to make things worse between us.”
He rolls his eyes. “I don’t mean now, asshole. Why didn’t you tell me back then?”
Oh. I slump against the wall, a nearby picture of Mackinac Bridge rattling. “I wanted to. But it was a lot to process. And then we had that big fight, and…” I shrug.
Apparently, that’s not good enough for him. He purses his lips, his eyes narrowing. “You should have told me! I would’ve been there for you! I could’ve helped you.”
“The doctors couldn’t save her, Chris,” I say wearily. “There’s nothing you or anyone else could’ve done to make it better.”
He hesitates, his face torn. When he speaks, his voice is small and broken. “I would have understood. If you’d told me, then maybe…” He trails off, but I hear the words he doesn’t quite dare speak aloud. Then maybe we’d still be together.
I swallow and turn away. My blurred vision focuses on another framed picture, this one of Main Street in the height of summer.
“I was a mess, Chris,” I whisper. “I didn’t know how to process any of it.
Hell, I still don’t. You were right about what you said to me earlier, about being afraid.
I’m not as strong as you. I can’t face my problems head-on the way you do.
I don’t know if I’ll ever even have the courage to admit that I’m… I’m…”
I flush. God, what’s wrong with me? Even now, alone with Chris in a resetting time loop, I can’t say the fucking word aloud. Just thinking about it opens a pit in my stomach and transports me back to that last night in the hospital with my mom when fear had gotten the better of me.
I promise…
Chris lets out a derisive snort. “Yeah, because I’m so great at handling things in a healthy, reasonable manner. God, Perce, I’m as much a mess as you are.”
Somehow, I doubt that, but I let it go. Now’s not the time to get into a pissing match about who has it worst. “All the more reason it’s for the best things happened the way they did.
” Chris looks ready to argue, but I’m too drained, so I force a weary smile.
“I think that’s enough heart-to-heart for tonight.
I’m going to head back to my room and call it a night—maybe jot down some notes and brainstorm new ideas to try tomorrow. ”
It’s always possible the time loop resolves itself on its own, but at this point, I’m not holding my breath. Somehow, I doubt the universe is done with us quite yet.
Chris frowns. “Why bother with notes? Won’t they vanish as soon as the day resets?”
“Probably. But it’ll help me organize and remember more of my thoughts. You should do the same if you get the chance.”
“Yeah, maybe.” He studies me uncertainly. “Look, I know we got off to a rough start this trip. But I want you to know that no matter what happens, I’ve got your back, Perce.”
Something in his expression is too warm and caring, especially in my current vulnerable state. It pierces me straight to my core, leaving me feeling exposed. I manage a shaky nod before hurrying past him.
“Later,” I call, waving behind me. He doesn’t respond, and I don’t look back. All the same, I feel his eyes burning a hole in my back as I prove myself a coward yet again.