Chapter 12 Dove #3
The drive to Red Oak II was silent again, the music playing loudly from the stereo. Liv had told Ellis to put the roof down; Ellis had said no, in that moody way she did, and that had been that. I’d pulled out my postcard and started sketching on it, improving it, if you will.
I began with Ellis, cartoonishly hunched over the Mustang’s steering wheel.
Then Liv, surfing on the roof with heart-shaped sunglasses, arms outstretched.
I gave myself exaggerated space buns and had the car trailing glitter behind it.
At some point, Liv leaned over my shoulder, offered a few artistic pointers, and insisted I add a speech bubble that said, “Jack, I’m flying. ”
So, she liked Titanic as well.
I used the drive to think about how to approach Ellis about adjusting the schedule to make time for the Route 66 Drive-In tonight.
If I couldn’t get her to come around gently, Liv would use force, which would blow the whole thing up again.
And while things felt a little shaky today, they didn’t feel nearly as bad as they had at the start of the trip.
“Dove?” Liv asked suddenly. “Do you know how your grandmother wanted you to scatter her ashes using fireworks over the Pacific?”
I blinked and set the postcard down. “Yeah?”
“Well, how do you put ashes inside fireworks?”
I frowned, biting my lip. “Um... I’m not actually sure.”
“Well, you might want to start thinking about it,” Liv said. “We’re totally scattering the ashes before we see my mom. I’m not missing that. Hey! I might know someone who could help you, actually, and he has a boat.”
My heart lifted with hope. “Really?”
“Yeah. I just have to make sure he’s not dead.”
It was as if she’d thrown a bucket of ice water over me.
“So, you know,” she added casually, “maybe have a backup plan in case we get there and he is.”
For a moment, I knew I had a window to ask her what had happened. How had she died? Was the person who could help me with her when she died?
Great, something else to think about. I mean, I guess I hadn’t thought past the whole stealing-the-remains part and then getting to L.A. Of course it wouldn’t be as easy as launching fireworks into the sky from a chartered boat. Would I even be able to charter a boat?
“Look him up on Facebook and send him a message,” Liv ordered, her tone resolute, and I did as she instructed, searching his name. “That’s him!”
I clicked into the profile and hit the message button, my fingers stalling. What was I even supposed to say to the guy? Hey, I know your dead friend, and she said you could help me with some fireworks for my dead grandmother.
Yeah, right.
“Just keep it casual,” Liv instructed, as if this were the most normal thing in the world for me to be doing. “Just say hey, tell him your name, and tell him a friend of his said he could help with some ashes and fireworks. It’s cool. Just do it.”
My fingers hesitantly tapped out the message before I hit send, hastily pocketing my phone as if the action could undo what I had just done.
“This is why it’s important to plan,” Ellis muttered under her breath.
I bristled and glared at her.
Okay, she was no longer cute. I no longer had a crush or whatever the hell it was.
“Plans change,” I said sweetly. “All the time. For instance, we’re not going to Tulsa today. Once we’ve seen Red Oak, we’re going to hang around Carthage. And tonight, we’re going to the Drive-In.”
Liv shrieked with excitement. “Woo! Drive-In!”
“It’s not on the schedule!” Ellis spluttered, indignant. “We don’t have time!”
“What clock are we running against?” I asked with a frown. “The one you preset?”
“Drive-In! Drive-In! Drive-In!” Liv chanted from the back seat.
“I organized this based on her doc!” Ellis snapped, jerking her head toward Liv. “The Drive-In wasn’t even on there!”
“An oversight,” Liv called out airily. “Oh, this will be awesome. I wonder what they’re showing!”
“So what?” Ellis growled, clearly annoyed. “Now we have to find a place to stay tonight, watch a stupid movie at an outdoor cinema, and be set back even further on this trip?”
“Do you have something important to rush back to?” Liv asked, her voice full of smirk. “Do you need to get back to googling how to date at twenty-one? Or did you have more death statistics to look up? You are a busy woman, after all.”
“Shut up,” Ellis ground out, her voice like steel as her cheeks turned red.
“Oh right—sorry—the dating thing failed,” Liv said with a laugh.
“I forgot. You know, Dove, right before she stumbled into your store, she went on this date with this girl. It was an absolute trainwreck. I’m talking, so bad you couldn’t look away kind of trainwreck.
This girl was cute, too. And all Ellis could talk about was dying or defeating death. It was so cringe.”
“Shut up!” Ellis screamed suddenly, slamming the brake and yanking the car onto the shoulder of the road. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
“She’s too good for people, you know,” Liv continued in a condescending tone. “After all, who can relate to her three-time death defiance? And she’s too scared to know people, or let people know her. She thinks very highly of herself. Like if she died, people surely couldn’t live without her—”
Ellis got out of the car without a word.
I watched, wide-eyed, pulse pounding in my ears, as she stumbled toward an open field without even a glance back. Her movements were stiff, her shoulders drawn.
She kept going.
And going.
When she reached the center of whatever overgrown paddock she’d marched into, she just... stopped. She stood there like something inside her was rattling loose, her chest rising and falling as if it hurt to breathe.
Then, without warning, she tipped her head back and screamed.
It wasn’t just a sound. It was a tearing, full-bodied, throat-aching rip of whatever she’d been keeping inside. The noise echoed through the stillness, tearing a hole in the peace of the land, harsh and jagged, carrying more pain than I thought she was capable of holding.
It punched right through me.
She caught her breath for a moment, then screamed again. And again. Another. Each one seemed to shake something loose, an invisible weight growing lighter and lighter around her. And then... nothing. She bent down, crouching like her legs had given out, and dropped her head into her hands.
Next to me, Liv let out a soft exhale. “Well, you should go talk to her then.”
I turned and raised my brows. “Are you serious? You’re the one who triggered a complete emotional purge.”
Liv rolled her eyes and tugged at a loose sequin.
“Puh-lease. She needed that. She’s been like a human lockbox for a year, and who even knows what she was like before she got my heart?
All she’s done is stuff down guilt, grief, and confusion, slap on that I’m fine face, and con her way through therapy and existence.
This is the first time I’ve seen anything real.
That?” She jerked her chin toward Ellis. “That is progress, my friend.”
Ellis’s figure looked small in the open field, hunched over like she was trying to fold herself back into something manageable. Something she could control.
“And besides,” Liv added, an edge in her voice, “if we don’t get moving soon, we’ll be late sorting out the Drive-In and stuff. So go be useful. Have a tender moment or whatever.”
I shot her a look as I roughly undid my seatbelt. “Now you care about the itinerary?”
Liv shrugged with a smirk and poked my arm. “Look, I’m dead—not disorganized, and I want to make it to the Drive-In.”
I waited half a beat, half hoping she might change her mind. But she just lay back across the seat—on top of Margaret’s ashes, mind you—legs crossed, whistling a tune as she closed her eyes.
I gritted my teeth.
“Can you not lay across my dead grandmother?” I snapped, irritation with her growing.
She ignored me.
I sighed.
I got out of the car, slamming the door with just enough dramatic force, and started across the field toward Ellis.
The tall grass brushed my ankles, and I grimaced.
I’d definitely have welts later. Yay, allergies.
I stumbled over a few holes, nearly twisted my ankle, and by the time I reached her, I was fed up.
Until her shaky, uneven breaths met my ears, and I thawed immediately.
The annoyance dissolved.
She didn’t even look up as I approached. She just stayed crouched, her head buried in her hands, face hidden.
Shit, I groaned inwardly, rubbing a hand over my face.
“You’ve, uh...” I began awkwardly. “You’ve got a set of lungs on you, that’s for sure.”
Ellis snorted and let out a low laugh. “I’m sorry.”
I took one for the team and sat down, feeling the grass against my thighs, and regretting it immediately.
“Don’t be,” I offered with a sigh. “It was actually impressive. I swear a flock of birds took off when you let that rip.”
She rubbed her hands over her face before finally lifting her head. Her cheeks were red and blotchy, her eyes almost bloodshot... and yet, fuck, she was still one of the most attractive people I’d ever seen.
God damn it.
I deflected.
“You might’ve terrified every bird in Missouri,” I said with a gentle smirk.
I was rewarded with the tiniest tug of her lips. She glanced around, as if suddenly unsure of how she’d ended up here, and honestly, same.
“She drives me nuts,” Ellis said eventually. “She just pokes and pokes and pokes. She doesn’t stick to the plan—most of which is her plan, by the way! She just throws things in there and then attacks me when I don’t do what she wants!”
“I know she can be... challenging,” I said tentatively.
“But... Ellis, I mean, she’s dead. This really is her last hurrah.
Once she gets home and deals with her mom.
.. that’s it. I know you need control. Clearly, it’s what helps you tick.
But you’re going to have to loosen the reins.
Sometimes things just don’t go according to plan, and there’s nothing you can do about it. ”
“I need plans,” Ellis groaned, pained. “I need structure. I can’t just do things on whims.”
“Then we need a compromise,” I said quickly. “Because plans aren’t going to work when Liv’s involved, and a compromise might save you from about fifty more meltdowns before we get to Santa Monica.”
Ellis swallowed and rubbed her face.
“Come on,” I said, nudging her shoulder with my own. “What are the things that are in your control? Breakfast, for example. Wake-up times are easily managed—along with meals, which includes your set medication schedule. That’s a start.”
Ellis let out a shaky breath and rested her arms on her knees before laying her head on them. “I guess... lunchtime. And dinner.”
“Okay, good,” I said, trying not to crumble under the vulnerability on her face.
“That’s three points of the day you fully control, and they’re nonnegotiable, okay?
If Liv tries to mess with them, I’ll back you up.
The rest of it... we keep open. Stop assigning days to different states.
Actually take the time to see the sights.
Experience them, Ellis, not just snap a photo and run off to the next one. ”
An expression crossed Ellis’s face, and she frowned slightly. “I just haven’t... I haven’t done much...” She looked like she was searching for the words and finally sighed. “I always feel like I’m working against a clock.”
“Whose clock?” I asked, placing a tentative hand on her back.
She shrugged and closed her eyes for a moment. “Dunno.”
She knew, I thought. She just didn’t want to admit it—whether to me or to herself.
“I just... I don’t know how to do this,” she said so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.
“Do what?” I asked, frowning.
She swallowed, and her brilliant green eyes seemed to burn into my soul. “Live. Be fun. Be in the moment and enjoy it. I’m not a remarkable person, Dove. I’m not colorful. I live life in black and white, and I just make it through each day.”
I couldn’t speak right away. Her words were too raw, too deep and honest. They nearly knocked the air out of me.
“You know,” I said finally, letting my hand settle gently on her back, “life isn’t linear, Ellis. You can’t tick things off like it’s some laminated checklist. It’s messy and unorganized, and there’s only so much of it you can control. The rest... you just have to live with.”
Silence followed. Ellis’s eyes searched mine, and I felt a warmth bloom low in my stomach. Up close, I noticed the fine freckles scattered across her skin, the flecks of brown in her eyes.
“I don’t think I’m too good for people, you know,” she said suddenly, blinking. “I just... I hurt people when I let them in. I ruin them. So I just... don’t.”
I bit my lip at her words.
She wasn’t pretending to be fine anymore. She was somewhere in the middle—somewhere raw and honest—and I honestly preferred that version of her.
“We all hurt the people we love, Ellis,” I said with a shrug. “That’s just life.”
She didn’t respond.
“For the record,” I added, “you’re not unremarkable, Ellis. You’re here. You’re trying. And that’s a hell of a lot more than some people.”
She didn’t say anything, but she swallowed and leaned her shoulder against mine so subtly I almost missed it.
Something shifted in that moment, out there in the field. It was small and minute, but it was real, like something was slowly rising from the wreckage we’d found ourselves in.
And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t terrify me.