12
THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS
IVY
M y knees tuck underneath me as I brace against the cold. It isn’t going to hurt me but it makes me uncomfortable, as does everything else in this goddamn awful place. I’m sure it’s getting colder every day and I bet Henry’s behind it. He’ll have figured out a way to drop the temperature little by little, ramping up the pressure until I break.
I’m hungry. I’m tired. I’m filthy. I’m bored out of my mind and anxious as hell. I’m sleep-deprived and on the verge of hallucinating.
And I refuse to give in.
We’re on day three of this battle of attrition. Henry expected me to cave by now and he seemed surprised when I threw the bowl of soup in his face. The asshole didn’t replace it and I resorted to drinking water to stave off the hunger pangs .
Yesterday was hard.
I know it.
Henry knows it.
I know he knows it and he knows I know he knows.
We both know the war being waged, and Henry thinks the outcome is predetermined. I’m fucking going to prove him wrong, even if that means hurting myself.
The metal key turns in the lock and my eyes dart to the door. I relish and loathe the sound in equal measure. Henry’s the only one who comes in here and I hate him, but his company is a distraction from the monotony of being in this fucking miserable cell.
The hinges creak and I force myself to look away. My heart’s racing and I’m excited he’s here. It’s time with someone and I’m missing simple things like conversation. Food too, but I miss his company more than anything else.
“Morning, pet.”
He steps through the door, and I glare at him. He exhales more forcefully than he needs, hoping for a different response.
“How are you?”
I tilt my head and search for a response that does justice to how I feel. Words aren’t strong enough, no matter which ones I choose. I don't want him to know I'm struggling or give away what I'm finding hardest about this tortuous situation. He'll weaponize it or see it as a sign I'm softening.
“I asked a question, pet.”
“I’m not your fucking pet.”
Henry tilts his head to mirror mine. “Ivy, you are, and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you’ll be happy.”
It's going to be another one of these conversations. I don't know why I expected anything else. Anything softer. He's held the line for three days and made it clear I need to make the next move.
He picks up the empty bottles of water and fetches a new one. Just one. That's one less than yesterday.
“You cheated yesterday and we can't have that. If you need more, then I'll bring you some later.”
I roll my eyes and shuffle back into the corner. He stares at me and I stare back. He's gauging my response and any emotion will tell him where I'm at, but being impassive tells him I've still got reserve.
“This can end now. At any time you choose, pet.”
I rest my head back and adjust my weight. He's going to give me the same talk he's given me every time he's come in here. It's about the only thing I hear.
It's repetitive. It's boring.
It's tempting and sounds easier every time he says it.
“Accept what's already true, pet. Just give me what I want. Accept me. Accept your place and this stops. We’ll go back to your room and you can eat.”
I grind my teeth and Henry steps closer. He's seen the slight crack and he's pressing harder, trying to force a collapse. I look away and remind myself I hate him. I run through all the reasons why, and I flick my eyes back to him, determined to resist.
He crouches down and his features soften. This is new. This is different.
Henry's hand stretches toward my face and he holds it between us and I swallow, darting my eyes between it and his eyes. Those bright blue irises aren’t as cold as they were before, and he’s desperate for me to give him this. He waits, edging his hand forward slightly until I toss my head a little.
“Easy, pet. You'll like this. ”
My eyes widen and I pour all the hurt and hate into the glacial stare I shoot him. Henry arches his eyebrow slightly and creeps his fingers forward until they're millimeters from my face.
They're achingly close and it hurts.
It damn well hurts.
Because I want him to run them down my face. I want him to soothe my soul. I want him to ease this burden.
And I hate him for it.
“Such a good girl,” he whispers. “We’ll start small, pet. At your pace.”
My heart races and I want to fight this. I don't want to like this and I sure as fuck won’t ask for this. I tell myself he's despicable over and over as his hand stays perfectly still, and I wish it would move closer.
This is how it begins. It's how Henry's going to break me. He'll offer me kindness and safety while threatening me with cruelty. He'll make it so straightforward and I'll crave more once I get a taste of the reward. It's the promise of hope and pleasure, when all he's caused me is pain.
“Stay still,” he says in a voice as smooth as chocolate. “You're going to be okay. We're going to be okay.”
His fingers brush my skin and his touch is electric. I'm on fire and my body relaxes, letting pleasure wash over me as my tension releases. I'm at peace and desperate for more, aching for anything he'll give me. His fingers leave my skin for a moment and he strokes them down my cheek again.
I close my eyes and moan. From pleasure. Like a fucking idiot, I give away how much I’m enjoying this. I shouldn’t have given in and I curse my lack of control. Now he knows, and even worse, I’ve accepted this. Let him do this. As if this fucked up mess is okay .
“Such a good girl.” Henry hums. “You can have as much of this as you like. See how nice this is? How much better this is?”
My eyes open and lock with his. They’re flooded with emotion and he’s trying to hide it but failing miserably. He’s as desperate as I am and I don’t understand it. He’s the one in control, he’s the one with the power—he could end this instantly if he wants. But he’s as trapped by this as I am and my chest tightens as something inside me screams I need to make this better. For him. Not me.
He changes his touch and his knuckles run up and down my cheek. Their sharper edges send a different kind of pleasure through me and I’m on the verge of leaning forward and pressing myself against him.
It’s fucking madness .
It’s got to stop .
It’s going to be the thing that destroys me .
It’s making me melt for him and I can’t accept my reaction .
Henry’s head leans forward as his touch presses harder and he tries to force me to shatter.
I scream and whip my hand across his face and the slap sounds out, echoing off the hard, cold cell walls. Our eyes widen simultaneously and he stares at me, furious and wounded. I shake and pull my hands over my face, curling into a tiny ball and wishing I wasn’t facing this.
He draws back and stands, backing away from me.
“That was badly done, pet.” His voice trembles and it’s another sign I’ve hurt him. “I admire your fire, but it needs taming. It needs controlling. It’ll only lead to destruction otherwise. You will obey me and you will accept your place.”
I pull my knees up closer to my chest and rock, soothing myself as the shock of what I’ve done sets in. I’ve hit him. Again. I struck him and he didn’t flinch. He didn’t meet my assault with one of his own. I can’t think straight, I can’t breathe, I can’t hold myself together.
It’s too much and not nearly enough.
It’s everything and nothing.
And I want this to end. I need this to end.
The door creaks on its hinges and Henry’s footsteps sound on the cold stone floor.
“Call for me, pet. Call for your Master or something he can provide and this ends.”
My heart shatters as the door slams shut and the key turns in its lock. I’m alone again and it’s devastating. Henry knows it’s crushing me. He knows it’s distressing. He’s perfectly willing to manipulate me and make me dependent on him.
He’s trying to convince me he’s the only way out of this hellhole. He wants me to believe there’s no other option. That I only have one choice. That he’s my only escape from the nightmare he’s created.
If I carry on like this, then Henry will break me. But there’s more than one solution and I must decide if I’m brave enough to take it. Courage is a choice and this is mine. I’ve found an alternative he didn’t consider and I lie down on the straw, pull a blanket over my head and contemplate if I’d rather starve than submit.
Hours pass and the door opens again.
I don’t move. I don’t respond when Henry asks how I’m doing.
He tells me he’s brought food and I stay still, ignoring the smell of chicken soup making my mouth water.
“Pet?”
I stiffen and force myself to stay still .
“I’ll leave the soup here.” Henry sighs. “You’re upset, but you have the control here, pet. This stops when you want it to.”
He leaves and I wait a few minutes, giving him time to return to wherever it is he’ll be watching me from. The cameras aren’t hidden. He wants me to know he can see everything. He stripped me of my privacy and my dignity when he locked me in here, and it’s another weapon in his arsenal.
I emerge from the blanket and slowly make my way to the soup. I pick the bowl up, cup it in my hands and enjoy its warmth for a few brief moments—and then I look up at the camera and pour it on the floor.
I retreat under the blanket and rest, accepting the fate I’ve chosen for myself. It’s the lesser of two evils and Henry can’t force me to eat. I’m hungry, but I’ve made my decision and he can’t take it from me. I haven’t given up and I haven’t given in. I’ve found a way to keep fighting and it’s a different kind of peace.
The hours pass and he doesn’t visit. It doesn’t matter.
I’ve found the certainty I was craving.
He can’t bend me, can’t break me. He sure as fuck can’t have me.
I won’t allow it.
I close my eyes and sleep, ignoring the hungry growls of my stomach. They’ll settle soon and a shorter but harder sentence is better than a drawn-out affair. It’ll be a kinder ending, a quicker passing. It’ll be over sooner and I’ll never have to see him again.
The darkness carries me away and I drift on its mysterious currents. It won’t be the last time I sleep, but if I’m lucky, things will happen quickly. I should fear the dark’s cold and vicious grip, but I welcome it as it takes hold, hoping it’ll claim me .
Sharp pinpricks dart over my face and my eyes pop open. I move and stare as a rat scurries down my body, digging its little claws into me as it searches for something to eat. Something like me.
I pull back and scream, reacting now my brain’s woken up. It was sluggish but now I’m awake and my fear of rodents sends me spiraling. I shriek and back the fuck away, panicking as there’s nowhere to run, nowhere to go.
My heart pounds in my chest and my screams grow louder as the adrenaline pushes my body to its limit. I’m fucking terrified and the stupid little creature refuses to leave, scurrying around as it continues its search.
The door flies open and Henry charges in, grabbing the rat before I can even process what the fuck is happening. He turns, leaves and its shrieks stop as something clicks. I scream again and cover my ears with my hands, digging my nails into my scalp and hoping the pain will ground me. My eyes screw shut and my panic ignites, and seconds later, arms wrap around me.
“I’ve got you. You’re safe. Always safe.”
I scream and cry and thrash, and Henry holds me, refusing to let me go. I don’t want him to touch me and I don’t want him to let go. I’m finally safe and this feels like home. It’s warm, it’s comfortable. It’s everything I want and I sob, giving in to the relief sweeping through me.
He pulls me down with him as he sits and arranges me on his lap. My breathing quickens and he catches the change, immediately tightening his hold.
“You’re safe. It’s better. Everything’s better.” His arm moves down my back and starts to rub away the tension. “I’ve got you and I won’t let anything harm you. Never again.”
Henry pulls a blanket over me and tucks me underneath it. We stay like this and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think. I’m too numb, too shocked, too damn broken to care and I lie across his lap while he rubs my back and whispers I’m perfectly safe until I fall asleep again.