Chapter 19
The rumbly growl accompanying his words sent the hairs on my arms standing on end. Shame filled me like acid, and I scrambled to pull the covers over me once more, hiding the evidence of my punishment.
I avoided his gaze, staring at my hands twisting in my lap. This was exactly why I hadn’t wanted to release him. “I-it’s fine. I’m fine.”
Gentle fingers hooked under my chin, lifting my face to his. Liquid silver held me hostage, and I couldn’t turn away. The way he looked at me … like he saw everything, like I was his entire world. “You are not fine. Who. Did. This?”
There was a desperation in his command, and I found I couldn’t deny him. Not when the intensity of his eyes conveyed so much I struggled to discern it all. “Terym,” I whispered. “It was King Terym.”
A ball of something I didn’t recognize sparked in my chest. Shade’s expression darkened even further, the grip on my chin tightening.
Not to the point of pain; if anything, the possessive hold elicited a different feeling—a longing deep within me I hadn’t felt with anyone but him—smothering the strange energy I didn’t quite understand building in my chest.
Fire danced in those bright eyes as he leaned forward, fingers still holding me immobile.
Then his lips brushed my forehead, the light contact setting my skin ablaze and forcing my lips to part in surprise.
Everything consuming me moments before evaporated, his touch dissolving every worry.
Every fear. Every hurt. Leaving me in a state of still serenity.
When he drew back, his eyes blazed, but his face was unreadable. “I can kill him.”
He said the words so casually, as if they were fact, and it took me a second to realize what he meant.
“What?” I needed him to repeat them, sure I somehow misunderstood.
“The lamp binds me. In some ways, I’m restricted, but if you wish me to, I can kill him.” So calm and collected while speaking of death.
Bloody hands danced in my mind, the echoing sounds of death fresh after my recent flashbacks. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because …” Because it would stain your soul. Doom you to a pained life filled with acidic guilt, slowly eating away at your humanity.
The worst part was, a small kernel of hate in my chest wanted it. For threatening Eleanor. For what he had done to me, what he would force me to do. It wanted his death. Wanted him to hurt.
The rest of me, the logical side, remembered vacant hazel eyes and pooling blood.
The burden of a death on your soul. The way Shade spoke so casually made me think it wouldn’t be the first time he had taken a life, but I wouldn’t put that on him.
Not when my own failings had put me in this situation.
“I can’t. Not again.”
The sins of my past filled my chest, adding weight to the king’s demands.
Tears pricked my eyes again, and I curled in on myself.
Strong arms wrapped around me, then Shade cradled me to his chest, taking my place on the bed and sitting with me in his lap.
He was careful in moving me, barely jostling my injuries.
Other than his light touches on my arms and massaging my legs, it was the first time I had touched him properly. The solidness of his body was surprising. I expected softness and wispy smoke, but he was all hard muscles and thrumming warmth, even with the dark tendrils curling along his skin.
“I’ll do whatever you wish of me, no matter the cost,” he murmured into my hair, and I nuzzled closer, inhaling lilac and sandalwood and the uniqueness of the purloe flower. He hadn’t asked me what I meant, only vowing his loyalty to me entirely.
The strange hum of his heartbeat vibrated beneath my cheek, and I sunk into it, relishing the contentment settling over me.
Safety. That’s what this feeling was.
It was warm nights in front of the fire as snow swirled outside. It was the scent of my mother’s favorite cookies. The sound of a lock sliding into place.
In this moment, nothing and no one could touch me.
Closing my eyes, I relaxed into his embrace.
This close, the draw to him pulsed through me, a pull deep within my soul begging to intertwine our fates so thoroughly it was beyond recognition.
It was more than sexual attraction, which I had in spades, but a God’s demanded connection.
I sensed it would either strengthen us or send us to destruction.
In his arms, I imagined another time and another place, where we could explore this connection properly. I could give in to my body’s demands, fall into Shade until I was happily drowning in him.
There was no pain. No responsibility.
It was a hopeless dream, one that would never come to fruition, because this wasn’t another time or another place.
I had a responsibility and that was Eleanor.
The fact remained; she was in danger, within the clutches of a terrible man who threatened everything I had been working toward the past eight years.
I had to find a way to get her out, send her to Hutteran—even if she wasn’t ready.
It would be a dangerous task full of risk, and one I couldn’t do alone. I needed help from someone familiar with the castle, someone with secret connections. Treasonous connections.
Wista.
I would ask for her help, and I prayed to all four Gods she would give it. I’d beg if I had to because nothing was more important than keeping my sister safe.
Nothing.
When I opened my eyes next, the bed was empty beside me, the sheets cool to touch.
The backs of my eyes ached, and my throat was sore, but it was nothing compared to the throbbing at my ribs.
The tea had worked some kind of magic—my face was still tight, but the swelling had reduced more than it would have without it.
After taking stock of my injuries, I searched the room. The lamp rested on the small white table beside the bed, still and quiet.
Its usual humming vibration emitted from the opposite side of the room.
I followed the sound to find Shade standing in front of an expansive window overlooking the gardens, this one free from the colored designs adorning the other room.
With the curtains drawn back, the first slivers of morning light filtered into the room, leaving a soft glow around Shade’s profile and surrounding him in light, his usual-curling smoke still.
His hair had been pulled into a loose bun atop his head, leaving the scars on the back of his neck visible.
Did they cover his entire body? Everywhere but his face? I ached to know. To inspect every inch of his skin myself.
The wonderful scent of him swirled around me, beckoning me closer.
The draw to him grew stronger every day, making it harder to resist. I wanted to be close to him.
To touch him. Unlike every other morning, I listened to the tug.
Taking it easy, I rose into a seated position before sliding from the bed.
The room spun slightly as I padded through the cool air toward him.
Small tendrils of smoke darted toward me, hovering as if ready to catch me should I fall, though Shade gave no other indication he heard me approaching.
I took his hand in mine, the action so natural and easy it happened without thought.
I squeezed it gently, wanting to give him my gratitude but knowing words wouldn’t be enough.
What he had done for me last night, the way he held and calmed me, there would never be enough words to convey my gratitude.
Shade’s responding squeeze elicited a rush of warmth through my chest, and ever so slowly, I leaned my head against him.
With our height difference, I barely reached his shoulder.
The physical contact allowed his humming vibration to flow directly through me, and I closed my eyes, content for the first time in years, just waiting for the sun to rise.
“Why the sun?” I asked after a few moments. I couldn’t help asking the question again; he never missed a morning. Would he tell me why? With the way he tipped his head back, soaking in the rays … there had to be more.
“Inside the lamp, it’s just me … me and darkness.
A black, never-ending abyss. When you have nothing but yourself, your own memories, you find yourself reliving your past. The good memories fade over time until only the horrors of the past remain.
Mistakes. Fears. Every miserable moment.
You relive them over and over until it consumes you. That is all you know.”
He sucked in a sharp breath, and I opened my eyes to find him still studying the horizon, his face pained. “The sun reminds me I’m not there anymore. That this is real. That I’m no longer alone.”
“Shade,” I choked through the lump caught in my throat, and tears pricked my eyes. I didn’t know what else to say to convey the pain his admission caused me, so I squeezed his hand again.
“You shouldn’t be on your feet,” he murmured, emotion still clear in his voice.
“I have nowhere else I want to be.” I followed his gaze to the horizon. Bursts of orange and yellow speared the sky, blanketing the city below in a warm-yellow hue. I didn’t think I’d ever appreciated a sunrise before this moment. “It’s beautiful.”
“Yes.” His usually deep voice took the gravelly edge that never failed to do things to me, drawing my attention from the lightening sky. But Shade wasn’t watching the sunrise. No, he stared down at me, those intense eyes back to molten silver.
His meaning sunk in, and a hummingbird took flight in my stomach, a light flush heating my cheeks.
I couldn’t speak, not to voice the feeling his compliment elicited.
He held me captive a moment longer before his gaze returned to the rising sun.
We were silent as the sky lightened from deep-burnt orange, to a bright yellow, then a startlingly clear blue.