Chapter 25 #2
Those beating wings in my stomach died slowly, settling in a heavy ball at the bottom of my gut. The tingles still lingering on my skin pulled tight, and my legs suddenly gave out.
What have I done?
Just as I predicted, Shade had been a distraction. One touch and I completely lost myself. Forgotten my responsibilities and the precarious situation we were in. If we hadn’t been interrupted, I would have kept going.
Given him everything.
If I did and the king found out, we would all die.
And Shade …
He deserved so much more than I could give him. We could never be together. I couldn’t give him my whole self the way I wanted, the way he deserved. Not when I was about to marry another man. A man who had openly jeered at the opportunity to provide his kingdom with an heir.
My stomach roiled, and I ducked my head between my legs, trying to breathe through the intense wave of nausea.
I gave something to Shade I hadn’t given to anyone else, knowing the next day, the king would take that very same thing, but he would take it all.
The next roil was more intense, and I stumbled to the bathing room, barely making it in time to empty my stomach.
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. I was so wrapped up in my own despair, I lost myself to the pleasure he offered, using him in the process.
I hadn’t even considered the consequences, considered the empty feeling in my chest, knowing we would never be able to do it again.
It was so much worse than after our first kiss.
Then, I’d craved him but didn’t know the pleasure being with him would involve. Now, I knew the euphoric feeling of his hands on me, my hands on him, and I couldn’t do it again. Instead, it would be with the king, and Shade would know.
Acidic guilt mixed with bile in my empty stomach, and it churned again.
Violently.
Gods, he must hate me.
The lilac and sandalwood scent of the purloe flower reached me just before hands gathered sticky strands of hair away from my face.
Once I finished heaving, I pulled out of his touch, cleaning my mouth to avoid meeting his eyes.
His stare burned into me, and I didn’t want to see what I caused reflected on his face.
The disappointment.
The hurt.
Unable to avoid it anymore, I turned to face him. He regarded me with a furrowed brow and arms crossed over his chest. Concern danced across his features, increasing my guilt further.
He was too kind. Too perfect.
He deserved so much more than me.
Someone who could give him everything, who wasn’t bound to fulfill a promise to another. Even if the thought of him with someone else threatened to make me sick again.
I tried to speak several times, my mouth opening and closing when I couldn’t find the words.
Shade’s eyes lingered down my still-naked body, and I cursed myself for the flush at his intense perusal.
I hurriedly threw on the dropped nightdress.
I couldn’t have this conversation naked, not when he still elicited such a strong reaction.
Once dressed, Shade stepped toward me, but I stepped away to keep the distance between us. My gaze flicked to the closed door. It was quiet now, but the last thing I wanted was to be overheard.
“It was just Wista, she’s gone now,” he said, using my moment of distraction to step up to me. His knuckles brushed my cheek, then he cupped my face, his thumb rubbing back and forth. “Talk to me, Adelia. What’s going on in your head right now?”
I closed my eyes, loving the gentle touch and hating myself all the more for it.
“I’m sorry,” I choked out through the emotion clogging my throat.
He stilled, and I forced myself to open my eyes. His face was drawn into a frown, eyes unreadable.
“What exactly are you apologizing for?” he asked, words slow and measured.
“We shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m marrying King Terym tomorrow.”
His jaw clenched, releasing my face like I’d burned him, and I immediately missed his touch. “Do you regret it because you didn’t want it? Or is it because of Terym?” he said through gritted teeth.
“Does it matter? It shouldn’t have happened.”
“It matters to me.” My heart shattered at the whispered words.
I should lie. Tell him I hated it and never wanted to do it again.
But I couldn’t do it.
“It was the best experience of my life,” I whispered, refusing to look as I destroyed him and myself. “I wanted it more than anything, I still want it, but we can’t. It isn’t fair to you, to either of us.”
“Then don’t go through with it,” he growled, clenching his fists at his sides.
“What other choice do I have? The tunnel was blocked. We’ve run out of time. Face it, Shade, we failed!” Emotion gripped my throat like a vise, everything I had forgotten during our moment together flooding back.
“Then we fight our way out. I’m not entirely useless in this form.” His voice broke on the last words, and what remained of my heart shattered with it. Hurting him destroyed me and it was why this couldn’t go further, why we couldn’t go further.
“You know we’d never make it. You’re only one person against hundreds of guards. I can’t take a life again, Shade. Don’t make me.” My voice trembled, and he stepped closer, rubbing my arms.
“I can protect you. Please let me.” The frustration, the hurt, it was all clearly visible in those swirling silver eyes, breaking me further.
I shook my head, knowing it was hopeless. He himself admitted he was restricted due to the Gods’ magic binding him. I couldn’t see a way out that would guarantee our safety. Guarantee Eleanor’s safety.
I had to keep the promise to my mother and keep her safe.
It was the burden I accepted long ago, and I couldn’t turn back on it now.
No matter how desperately I wanted something else for my future.
Our best chance at survival was to continue to play the part.
To be the submissive bride for the king.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, closing my eyes again, to stop my tears and to hide from his pain.
Coward.
“So am I,” he whispered into the broken space between us. His purloe scent intensified, and I opened my eyes in time to see him morph into dark smoke, twisting and curling in jagged movements, then disappearing into the lamp on the bedside table.
A sob ripped free as my heart tore from my chest, following Shade into the confines of his prison.
Blinded by tears, I staggered to the bed and collapsed onto it, curling in on myself.
That moment with Shade, when he touched me so deliciously, would be with me forever. A glimpse of a future we would never have that I would savor despite my regrets.
I lay awake for hours, my tears an endless stream saturating my pillow. I would give myself tonight to mourn the loss of something that didn’t have a chance to begin. Because tomorrow, I would be married.
Just not to the man I loved.