Chapter 26
Iwas numb.
My body. My mind. My heart. My soul. All of it empty and unfeeling from the moment I awoke.
Since we arrived in Prallues, Shade had never missed a sunrise.
This morning, when I forced my puffy eyes open, they locked on his usual spot in front of the window to find it empty.
When I palmed the lamp with a bloody hand, smoke swirled around the room once before retreating inside.
I watched light crest over the horizon alone, hot thick tears tracking down my cheeks the entire time.
Then I placed the lamp under the sunlight, hoping Shade would still feel its warmth.
When Wista arrived to help me get ready, she didn’t mention my missing shadow or the fact I looked like I spent the entire night crying.
Which I had.
She went about getting me ready, helping me bathe and dress when it became clear I couldn’t do it myself. Only when Terym had beaten me did I let her help. I felt so much worse than I had then. Even self-inflicted, this wound cut so much deeper.
We didn’t speak when she pulled out the outrageous gown, or when she worked my hair into a delicate twist and lined my cheeks with rouge.
When she was done, I stared at my reflection in the mirror.
The pink on my cheeks was stark against my pale skin, and it did nothing to detract from my sunken lifeless eyes.
I only saw pain.
Wista guided me through the castle, and it didn’t take long before I stood at the doors of a large stone chapel, the sun mocking me from its place high in the sky.
Beautiful weather.
A perfect day for a wedding.
Wista stuck to my side while Zuri and a few other maids straightened the large train. Yet I felt nothing. Not even amusement at the ridiculous gown chosen for me.
A haze settled over my eyes as I stared unseeing.
Pressure against my hand drew my attention, so I blinked my mind into focus, finding Eleanor’s hazel eyes shining back at me. “Lia? Are you sure? We can leave, fuck the king.”
Her words were jarring, so out of place coming from my sister’s mouth.
The king’s people surrounded us, servants and castle guards lined every path in view.
Despite her words, there was no way out.
Terym’s threat rang loud and clear in my mind.
He would stop at nothing to get us back if we disappeared, and the wrath he would inflict when he found us …
I couldn’t risk it, not an impulsive plan to escape. This was the only way forward. I would sacrifice this part of myself to keep my sister safe.
The large chapel doors swung open, and I shook my head, the organ’s dooming notes calling us in.
I floated down the aisle in a trance, my sister at my side.
My body went through the motions, with my heart bleeding in my chest. Unfamiliar faces swarmed and blurred together until I reached the dais and the man who waited there.
The man who wasn’t Shade.
Shade, who I had hurt so deeply he had retreated to a place he despised—locked himself away to escape me and the pain I inflicted.
A priest spoke. I only listened enough to repeat the words required of me. My voice dull and lifeless, even to my own ears.
I zoned out until Terym leaned closer, the priest’s last words registering too late. “You may kiss the bride, Your Majesty.”
Then his lips were on mine.
Rough. Firm. Wrong.
So, so wrong.
The fog cleared, and I jerked away from the king’s touch, consequences be damned. Hands wrapped around my arms, and I struggled against the bruising grip.
I had to get away. I didn’t want him to touch me. It wasn’t right. He wasn’t right.
Gasps and murmurs erupted from the watching guests, and a deep scowl lined Terym’s face. It should have terrified me, but all I could think about was his hands on me and how wrong it was.
“My apologies, my king. My sister is quite overwhelmed.” Eleanor’s voice cut through the chaos, clearing my mind enough to register the cool expression plastered across Terym’s face.
“See to it she is back to herself before the reception.”
The echoing murmurs quietened, with guests ushered back to the ballroom within the castle to be entertained with food and drink.
Terym leaned close, his hot breath sour as he whispered in my ear. “Remember my promise, my dear Adelia.” He followed the crowd, leaving us with only the guards lining the walls.
“Adelia—”
“I’m fine.” I cut my sister off, shaking out my hands in an effort to build courage for the next part of the day.
“This is wrong.” Determination sparkled in her hazel eyes, so much like our mother’s, and another flash of pain sliced through my chest. If only she were here, my mother would give me advice on the right way forward. Everything I had done, every choice I made, was all for her.
For her and for Eleanor.
Failure closed in on me like a crushing weight I could never escape. Every decision I made led me further from my goal. How could I know what was best?
“Lia,” Eleanor begged as Wista and Pierce approached down the now-empty aisle.
I shook my head, doing my best to clear my spiraling thoughts. I needed to pull myself together, Eleanor was counting on me. The entire kingdom was.
Reaching into my pocket, I grasped the lamp, using the humming vibration to ground me even though I didn’t deserve it.
“It’s just … been a long day,” I said on a sigh. When I looked into her eyes again, I was reminded of what was at stake if I failed.
My beautiful sister.
Who saw the best in everyone. Who deserved so much more than what life was going to throw at her. I had to be strong for her. I would make it through this day … and every day after.
For her.
By the time I returned to Terym’s side, the fog in my mind had somewhat cleared.
I tried to appear more alert, doing my best to convince the king I was going along with the marriage.
We entered the ballroom arm in arm, a picture of the perfect couple.
I smiled when needed and made small talk with the many new people introduced to me.
I sipped on sweet wine and ate the delicious vanilla cream cake.
The entire time, my heart ached and my stomach was sick, the lamp heavy in my pocket. Even without his presence, Shade held most of my focus. I couldn’t get that look out of my mind.
His hurt.
I should have never let it go as far as it did. I should have never kissed him. And after … Gods, how I regretted the upset I caused.
When the night finally wound down, my feet were sore and my head throbbed from too much wine. I took a moment to hide in a dark corner of the room, tugging at the corset strangling my chest, more than ready for the day to be over.
I longed to hide in my room to try and coax Shade from the lamp. I needed to talk to him.
“There you are, my dear.” Wine sloshed on my dress when I flinched at Terym’s sickly sweet voice. He gripped my elbow, jerking me to face him. Glazed eyes spoke to the number of drinks he had consumed, but the sneer slashed across his face was the true concern.
“My king?”
“I expect no problems from you tonight, dear Adelia. I’ve been waiting for this day, and I won’t let anything stand in my way. Go get ready for me.” He shoved me toward the door, making me stumble and almost face plant the floor.
Get ready for him?
Fuck.
This was it. I had to go through with it. The wedding night.
Consummation.
An heir.
So numb and wrapped up in my own thoughts all day, it had slipped my mind. That this was expected.
Oh, Gods.
Bile burned the back of my throat at the thought of those hands on me. Terym’s hands. Touching me where Shade had been only the night before.
Not only that, but he would take my virtue. Something I had kept intact for so long. As if the Gods themselves knew I would need it to release Shade, and instead of giving it to him, Terym would take it for himself. Against my will.
The room spun around me, faces blurred and laughter boomed loudly, making my head throb. My breaths came in short pants, black lining my vision, and I clawed at my throat.
Air. I needed air.
Pools of brown swam in and out of focus. Wista.
Hands gripped mine, squeezing rhythmically as lips formed words, but I couldn’t make them out. Couldn’t hear anything past the pulsing in my ears, the blood pumping in my veins.
Why was it so loud?!
Another squeeze of my hand, in time with her own exaggerated breaths. I tracked the sensation, struggling to keep my eyes focused.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out.
Wista’s features cleared, the ringing in my ears receded, and I could finally hear her. “That’s it,” she murmured, keeping up the rhythmic pattern. “You’re doing great.”
“Thank you,” I said, voice hoarse from the attack and the caring tenderness she continued to show me. I wouldn’t have lasted this long without her. One day, I would repay her for everything she had done for me. I didn’t know how or when, but I would.
Familiar laughter caught my attention, and I realized Wista had dragged me behind a large plant, partially hiding me from view of the partygoers.
Looking past her shoulder, I found Eleanor on the dance floor, laughing as Harkin spun her around the room.
Pierce, of course, glared from the sideline, tracking every twirl, with arms crossed against his chest.
The sight of my sister, so carefree and happy, enjoying herself without worry, filled my chest with warmth. I had to do this for her. For her future. That was the promise I’d made to my mother, to keep her safe.
Even if I lost myself in the process.
“Adelia?”
I dragged my gaze from Eleanor’s smiling face and looked at my friend. “I’m ready.”
Wista didn’t call me out on the lie.
We left the merriment of the ballroom—each footstep closer to my suite a tick of the clock counting down my doom.
My insides a maelstrom of emotions I couldn’t quite decipher.
An intricate part of my soul knew it wasn’t supposed to be like this.
There was only one person I was supposed to give myself to, and that person was not my husband.
When we arrived at my suite, Wista helped me from the gown I had worn all day and into a disgustingly sheer nightdress.
The worst by far, almost identical to the ones the dancing women had worn at my first formal dinner in the castle.
I sat in front of the dresser while Wista pulled the pins from my hair, slowly releasing the dark strands to fall in waves around my shoulders.
I avoided my reflection, instead focusing on the small portrait of Eleanor Harkin had commissioned for me. The sight of her soft hazel eyes filled with amusement gave me strength. The artist had captured her beauty and innocence so completely it was almost like she was in the room with us.
The bed in the mirror’s reflection was mocking; it had been changed with fresh white sheets and the blankets turned down in preparation for us. The memories of the intimate moments I experienced with Shade on it flickered in my mind. They would be tainted by something else by the end of the night.
It was that bed where Shade had first kissed me. There, he had held me when I’d been hurt by the king, and he had watched over me every night since.
My gut roiled, the delicious food I consumed all day threatening to make a reappearance.
I couldn’t do it.
Terym would touch me. Would—I stopped my thoughts before they went down that dark path.
My mouth dry, I stared at Eleanor’s portrait again, imagining the child I had comforted after our parents’ deaths. Who cried in my arms every night for a year afterward. She had already lost so much and at such a young age. She was just a child …
Terym wanted a child. An heir. He would come back again and again, until I was pregnant.
What would become of me then? Of Eleanor?
Of the child?
He would have an even stronger hold on me, a way to manipulate me more than ever, because I knew in my soul if I had a child, I would do anything for them.
“Wista?” I croaked, and she paused in her task to look at me in concern. “The contraceptive tea, can you bring it to me when … when it’s done?”
Her eyes glistened, and she wrapped an arm around my shoulders in comfort. “Of course,” she whispered.
Even if I prevented pregnancy, I would still have to go through with it, have sex with the king. The thought sent another wave of nausea through me.
Gods, I should have listened to Shade. We should have gotten out. Risked running away. Something.
Wista squeezed my shoulder again, stopping the impending attack. I focused on Eleanor’s portrait, the slight tilt to her lips as she tried to hide her grin. Harkin had done his best to make her laugh the entire time she’d sat for it.
She was why I had to push through the awful sensation in my stomach.
Eleanor.
My baby sister, who was kind and sweet and innocent. Not like me, blood stained my hands and blackness marred my soul.
Eleanor didn’t deserve the king’s wrath, but I would endure it. For her.
Wista pulled the final pin free, and I finally faced my reflection. The stress of the day and my sleepless night evident in my sunken eyes and gaunt face. Only wishful thinking had me believing it would turn the king off.
It wouldn’t deter him. Nothing would. Not now that I was so entirely within his grasp.
I caught Wista’s eye again, then glanced to the black lamp resting on the small nightstand. If only I could see him again before I faced the king. No matter what happened tonight, I would have Wista and Shade afterward—if he was willing to forgive me.
Despite our argument, I did what I promised and placed the lamp as close to the bed as I could so I could reach him if I needed to. Even the small knife was tucked under the pillow closest.
The booming knocks on the door were the final bells before my execution.
Without waiting for a response, Terym opened the door and stepped into the room.
His formal navy tunic was disheveled, the top few buttons undone, and his usually neat hair was ruffled, as if he had run his hands through it multiple times.
My heart pounded against my ribs, like it would beat right out of my chest or pump me away from this horrid situation.
“Thank you, Wisstarrri. She looks lovely.” The king’s voice slurred, he had clearly drunk more in the minutes since we parted.
Wista hurried to the door, offering me a reassuring nod once out of the king’s line of sight. Then the door closed with a soft click, locking me alone with something worse than a demon.