Chapter 13
THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS
NIA
My muscles ache and my chest hurts. It's physically difficult to move and I'm exhausted. It feels like I've run a marathon or been in a brawl, and I don't want to open my eyes.
Another wave of nausea comes and I shudder, aware of what's coming next.
The sickness has been getting worse, not better, and it's accompanied by cold sweats.
I shiver uncontrollably and my skin drips as my pores weep.
I'm cold and clammy. I'm pretty sure I smell and look rancid but I'm beyond the point of caring.
“You're going to be okay, Nia.”
I nod and whimper, ignoring the alarm bells ringing in my head. I'm so goddamn tired and sore that all I want to do is rest. I'm sapped of energy and there's no fight left in me. Not anymore. Not now he's done this to me.
My muscles start shaking and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. They quiver uncontrollably and my legs begin moving violently. The sheets around me cling to me as I drench the bed and I would moan if I had it in me.
“She’s doing it again,” Cole says, his voice low and irritable.
“I can see for myself,” Luke hisses back. “Where the fuck is Malcolm?”
I’ve come to loathe the pack doctor as much as I hate Luke.
He touches me and it makes me feel worse and every visit is accompanied by another intervention.
I’ve got a drip line in my arm and the doctor isn’t giving me just fluid through it.
There’s something else in the bags he hangs and if this is medicine then I don’t want it.
Cole’s footsteps move closer and I force my eyes to open, squinting as the sunlight burns my retinas. The squeak of metal catches my attention and I watch as Cole wheels a drip stand closer, passing the line over to Luke.
“He said to start it if she needs it, Luke.”
I shake my head.
Luke takes the line and I turn, my eyes pleading with him not to give me whatever is in that bag. It’s harming me instead of helping me. It’s not doing me any good at all.
It’s poison and the three of them aren’t backing down. Luke grabs my arm and I try to twist it away. He looks at me and there isn't a tinge of doubt in his expression. He's set on doing this and I’m too weak to writhe away while he holds me down.
Cole connects the drip and I arch my back, clenching my fist as if that will stop the poison flowing into my veins.
It doesn’t sting but that doesn’t mean it isn’t doing damage and I cry, hoping my tears will make Luke grow a conscience.
There doesn’t seem to be much chance of it but it’s the only move I’ve got left and I’d be a fool not to try it.
I whimper and Luke presses me down.
“Make it stop.” I sob and he turns toward the door. “Please just stop.”
“You’re here,” Luke growls. “What the fuck took you so long?”
Malcolm moves to the side of the bed and I try to flinch away.
Luke’s grip is far too strong and the doctor moves his hands over me, ignoring my protests as he examines me.
His gaze is cold and clinical, and there’s no kindness in his approach.
Whatever bedside manner he has isn’t present in this room, and I assume the asshole has detached himself from what he’s doing to me.
I manage a growl as he speeds the drip up and I shake my head from side to side, doing anything I can to get away. It’s all useless but sometimes the fight is all that’s left and I don’t want to give it up.
I’m coming to accept that I'm beyond salvation and I’m beginning to want this to end.
I want the agony to be over and I'm almost ready to accept the price I have to pay for this to stop. I never thought I'd wish for death but I find myself lying here and praying it won’t hurt. The darkness is more comforting than the light and I crave the peace of the night. My sleep isn’t restful but it is a break from the agony of this and I’m almost willing to fall into it and never wake up.
Another wave of nausea hits and I retch, unable to keep my stomach contents down.
I’ve barely eaten in days but some bile and acid makes its way up, and Luke quickly turns my head.
I vomit onto him and he doesn’t react, simply accepting this for what it is.
He must have known it was coming and he lets it happen, holding me still as I quite literally pour my guts onto the bed.
I shake again, still rigoring as the fever takes hold.
My feet curl as my hands tighten and my fingers clench, whitening under the strain of my contractions.
My back arches away as tetany takes over and my head pulls back, too heavy to stay in place.
I close my eyes and surrender, barely moaning as the pain hits.
My body burns and breaks as agony tears through it. There's no source and no containing it. Not when it's this intense and relentless. The heat scalds my skin and the fibers of my muscles tear as the bones beneath them try to shatter, holding together out of habit and sheer damn stubbornness.
I wish they wouldn't. I wish this was over. The dark isn't eternal enough and I want to slip away and make this stop. I'm clinging to life and I want to let go, certain the fall from the cliff will be the end I'm looking for.
“She needs to move,” the doctor yells, guiding my hands to my side.
They roll me and my hair must be coated in vomit. More hands grab me and pull me towards Luke, dragging me toward him as we move across the bed.
It's all too much and I fade, hoping the colors fading away will be the last thing I see. Black sweeps around me and I float in it, praying this madness will stop.
“It's going to be okay, Nia,” Lyall says, her voice a whisper in the storm swirling around me. “We're going to be okay. Just hold on. Just a little longer.”
I can't keep going.
I've got nothing left to give.
There's nothing to hold on to and the man keeping me here will keep going.
He's going to kill me and I might as well accept my fate rather than fight it.
No one's coming for me. No one's going to save me.
No one's going to stop the Alpha who's hell bent on killing me and I wish he wasn't this cruel.
“She's slipping away, Luke.”
Cole's voice sounds desperate and it'll be ironic if he's the only one of them with a conscience.
He's as confusing as the rest of them, alternating between false kindness and vicious aggression.
He failed to kill me once and now the moment's here he's hesitating, caught by an emotion that resembles guilt.
I hear it in his voice and I smirk, sinking further into the dark as an act of revenge.
I sleep and there's no rest. My reprieve is stolen from me by the kaleidoscope of colors breaking through my dreams. They're vivid, horrific patterns that haunt me, obliterating any peace I might have found.
My ears ring as ghosts and ghouls whisper their curses and my soul screams, pleading for release from this torment.
This is a torture worse than hell, and whatever my sins, I don't deserve this. Few do and I'm not among them. I'm not that evil, I'm not corrupted that badly. But I am cursed and this is my burden to bear, and I'll be forced to bear it until I can't anymore.
My eyes open and there's only quiet. Only peace. I take a few deep breaths, lifting my head a few inches off the mattress.
Luke moves fast and by the time I've finished blinking, he's kneeling at the bedside. His eyes meet mine and they're still sapphire blue, still orbs that burn with life when mine must be dull and lifeless.
“You need to eat, Nia.”
I shake my head, afraid he'll give me something in my food. He's already pouring poison into my veins and his face tightens as if he's irritated I'm refusing to accept this new way for him to hurt me.
“The doctor says you need to eat.”
The doctor can go fuck himself and my expression conveys my thoughts without a single word being spoken. Luke offers me chicken soup and I turn my head away, pretending the smell is anything but appealing.
“I'll get you anything you want,” he says in a voice as tempting as sin. “Just a few mouthfuls, Nia. A few bites. For me.”
I growl and roll away, and he doesn't follow. I lie on the mattress, staring at the wall as I watch the shadows dance over it. They're free and I'm not. They're almost lifelike and I'm barely alive. They fade away and I wish I could join them.
“She's got to eat, Alpha.” Malcolm sounds insistent and Luke doesn't sound happy.
“She won’t take it,” he says, and I listen to him pacing. “What do you want me to do? I can't make her eat.”
A strained cough sounds out and I don't like its implication.
“You want me to force-feed her?”
“We could use a tube… from her nose into her stomach.” The doctor hesitates and I feel the heat of their eyes on my back. “It's unpleasant and we can't do it indefinitely. She won't like it. She might not...”
“Will she tolerate it?”
Silence sounds out and its noise is deafening.
“Yes. She'll tolerate it. But, Luke, this isn't something we should do lightly...”
“Do it.”
My core tightens and I whimper, aware a decision I don't like has been made. I don't want this to happen and I don't have the strength to fight them off.
Footsteps come and go and the door slams shut a few minutes later. My hands curl into fists and I try to crawl away, but someone grabs my leg and yanks me toward them.
Luke pulls me underneath him and I hate him more than I thought was possible.
His weight is far too much for me to shift and I still, resigned to being trapped beneath him.
He stares at me and I plead for Lyall to help me, but as usual, she’s disappeared and I can’t rouse her now I need her, and I’m facing this alone.
“You have two choices, Nia. You can eat or I can force you to. Pick the easier option.”
I shake my head, resolute and resolved.
“This is cruel, Luke,” Cole says, backing away.
“Let's get on with it.” Luke's eyes narrow and I loathe the determination in their bright light. “Malcolm?”
The doctor steps into view and my eyes plead for mercy.
“Are you sure, Alpha? She might be able...”
“Do it, Malcolm. The pack needs her. I need her to do this.”
I scream and thrash my head from side to side as hands grab my head. I'm still screaming as they start to feed a tube through my nose and I cough and splitter, gagging as it trickles down my throat. It makes me retch and Malcolm carries on regardless, ignoring my pleas as Luke holds me down.
“She'll pull it straight back out.”
“Then we'll tie her down,” Luke snarls back.
I cry out and Luke has the nerve to wince. He isn’t so sure of himself now and a tiny crack opens up in his hardened exterior, and it might be a weakness I can exploit.
“I’ll eat,” I whimper and the room stops dead.
Luke hauls me up the bed and I don’t fight him, letting him move me until my head rests on the pillows.
“Cole…”
His head turns to his Beta and Luke’s muscles tense as his second doesn’t move.
“Get some fucking ties, Cole.”
“She said she’d eat, Luke.”
I flick my head between them, frantically nodding my head as I try to persuade the Alpha leaning over me that I’ll do it. He stares down at me and the blue of his eyes turns ice-cold, barely acknowledging my effort.
“It’s an order, Beta.” Luke grabs my wrists and lifts them, holding them against the headboard. “Protect your pack, Beta. No matter what, you always protect the fucking pack.”
Cole’s shoulders drop and he steps back, and Malcolm looks on in horror.
The Beta disappears while I fight against Luke, screaming that I promise to eat and pleading with him not to do this.
I’m so tired that my movements are feeble and Luke doesn’t have to work hard to overcome me, holding me until Cole returns.
“Sorry about this, Nia.”
I stare at him with all the hatred I can muster and the man doesn’t look me in the eye, unable to face the consequences of his actions. It’s cowardly as well as despicable and my abhorrence for Luke and his pack just deepened.
My wrists yank against the rope that holds them in place as Luke eases back, staring down at me with an expression I don’t like. He’s experiencing revulsion and I meet his gaze with utter contempt. Luke twists his face into a snarl and turns away, pulling back off the bed.
“Feed her, Malcolm.”
I arch my back and manage a scream before my throat turns hoarse and my lungs run out of air.
“She said she’d eat, Alpha,” he replies.
“She’s lying,” Luke says, marching out of the room. “I know she’s lying to me, doctor. I’m absolutely certain. Now fucking feeding her and call me when it’s done.”
Luke slams the door and I thrash, making it as hard as possible for the two men left behind. They stare at each other and then back at me.
“He actually…” Cole says, swallowing hard.
“Yeah,” Malcolm replies, before looking me straight in the eye. “I will try to make this as painless as possible for you, Nia. You’ll need to cooperate with me…”
“You can go fuck yourself.”
I scream and thrash and it makes no difference as the cords keep me bound to the bed. Malcolm retrieves a large syringe from his bag and fills it with the soup I refused to eat, apologizing before he forces it down the tube.
My body screams in agony and I curse, experiencing another bout of pain as my stomach stretches and fills with food for the first time in days. It’s more than uncomfortable and I groan as my body tries to absorb the food and wave after wave of contraction courses through me.
“We’ll do two syringes every half hour and use the feed overnight.”
Cole screws his eyes shut and I close mine, hoping my mind will take me somewhere else.
Anywhere would be better than this and for once I’m granted a reprieve as my thoughts take me back home.
I’m sitting in my mother’s garden as the purples and whites of her flowers dance for me and the wisteria fills the air with its sweet and musky scent.
I let myself drift in the afternoon sun and the rest of the world fades away, taking its horrors with it.