Chapter 14
THE SECOND WORST FEELING
LUKE
I storm into my room and slam the door behind me. My eyes screw shut and I turn my head away, although I'm unsure what I think it's going to achieve. There's no escape from what I've just done, no pretending it didn't happen.
Nia won't forgive me.
Fuck, I'm not sure I'll forgive myself.
As a rational, logical decision it was flawless. It makes sense. So much fucking sense. And I've done worse. Much worse. I've flayed the skin from wolves and fed it back to them, I've killed fast and slow, relishing every ounce of pain.
But this isn't a cold or calculated choice. There's no denying the emotional cost of the path I've chosen to walk. Nia will suffer. I'll suffer too. And I'll rue the consequences when she recovers.
She'll hate me even more than she did before.
That girl will pour all her energy into the venom she unleashes and I might be unable to make her forgive me.
Shit, it isn't even about making her do anything, not anymore. I stare at the moon and ask the goddess what I’ll have to do to earn that girl's forgiveness—and all I get is silvery silence in return.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Even Lawson ignored me, sulking off with his tail between his legs.
He’s as dejected as I am, as guilty and ashamed.
My wolf’s gone silent now he’s realized he failed to recognize his mate, and his supremely confident ego’s bruised.
Lawson’s wounded and he’s licking the bleeding cuts of self-inflicted hurt, his pride damaged badly enough he doesn’t know how to handle it.
I'm going to kill her father.
I don't care how long it takes me or how much it costs me.
I'm going to track that miserable, worthless cunt down and when I do there's going to be a reckoning of epic proportions.
My dungeons won't be good enough for the wanker and I'm going to make damn sure he has a long and painful death, and almost all evidence of his shitty existence is wiped from the face of the earth.
I don’t care if she pleads with me. I don’t care if I have to hide it, if it’s another lie I need to tell her.
I’ll commit any atrocity for her, in her name, to make this right.
She deserves revenge. She deserves vengeance.
She deserves more than that and it’s the least I can do to rid her of her past.
I stare down at my hands and my palms are sweaty. Greasy. Fucking filthy. There's not a stain or mark on them and I've never been so goddamn dirty. My skin crawls and I loathe the disgusting, despicable stench of the sin I've just committed.
“It's done,” Cole whispers. “Luke...”
“Shut the fuck up.”
My jaw ticks as my best friend tries to soothe me and there's no comfort to be had.
Not from the horror I've just inflicted on that girl.
It might have saved her life but it's condemned mine and I'll never let myself forget it.
Or repeat it. Except I know I'd make the same fucking choice again if I had to, and at every other time I'm forced to make one like it.
She needs to survive.
Fucking hell, Nia needs to live no matter what the cost to me.
Or her, apparently.
“Malcolm's fed her and it stayed down. But she's upset, Luke, and he doesn't think it's safe to sedate her.”
Of course it's not safe. Not when she's this weak. Not when she's practically dead. I screw my eyes shut and plead with all the heavens that my best friend doesn't ask the question I'm certain he's going to.
“You're her mate and she needs you. Your presence will comfort her. Please, Alpha. For her. For me. For your-fucking-self. Come back to her.”
I shudder as guilt and shame take hold. I've held few regrets and felt little remorse. But this is sickening. It's disgusting. It's repulsive. And I cannot escape myself or what I'm about to do.
“She'll be more upset if I return. She'll get more agitated and she might hurt herself. She doesn't have any energy to waste, Cole, and railing against me will cost her dearly. It's better if I stay away.”
Cole's wolf growls and it's a rare challenge to my authority. Elias isn't impressed. He knows I’m lying and he's making his feelings crystal clear. Worse, he's defending the girl, choosing her side over mine. She might be weak and half-dead, but she's cementing her position in the pack already.
“For whom, Luke?”
He cuts our connection and his bitter, seething tone stings. It's a lashing like none I've ever known and I stare at my hands again, wondering if I'll ever feel clean again. I'm rancid, diseased, and fucking rabid. I ought to be cast out, culled to spare the pack from more of my infliction.
Fuck, I need a shower.
Fuck, I need more than just one.
I head into the bathroom and pull the lever of the shower, oblivious to the temperature of the water spraying down on me. It's coming from all directions and I've never been so thrilled I had this damn thing installed at vast expense.
The ice-cold water doesn't snap my attention away from what I've done, and I didn't even stay to watch it.
Fuck, I'm a coward and as the water heats until it's scalding hot, I wonder how the hell Nia ended up with someone like me.
Fuck, she's pathetic and weak and feeble, and so much stronger and braver and noble than me. Fuck, I want her.
I don't like her but I need her. I crave her. I want her, mind, body, and soul. I want her to mew and moan for me, because of me. I want that girl to have all the good things, only the good things, and I don't want her to know any more pain, or hurt, or despair.
I'm doomed to be in awe of that girl for the rest of my existence, condemned to walk in her shadow and love every second of it. Nia can bask in the moonlight and I'll be thrilled to lurk in the darkness of the night, wrapping around the glow of her moonbeams as I shield her.
I sigh and my nails scrub my skin, failing to clean the dirt that cakes my soul. I'm contaminated and the copious amount of shower gel won't wash this away. Nothing could. Nothing except Nia's forgiveness, and that's going to be a long time coming.
I'm going to have to face some awful consequences and do some things that will be unpleasant.
They ought to be. This isn't the kind of thing that chocolates or flowers or even jewelry atones for.
It's going to take more than simple gifts, and even complex, thoughtful ones won't cut it.
Not that I know what a gift like that looks like.
I've never cared about a girl, let alone felt anything even close to this.
Nia’s become all I want to think about.
Goddess, she’s all I’ll ever dream about too.
I want her in ways I’ve never wanted any other girl and I’m only beginning to touch the surface of my desires.
My fantasies could run rampant and I’d gladly indulge each and every fucking one of them, and I groan.
I scrub harder to distract myself, searching for salvation in the sharp sting of pain as I scour my skin.
The girl is a distraction.
She’s so much more than that. Nia’s the thing I never wanted and she’s now the one thing I can’t live without out.
I need her more than I need to breathe and the thought of her dying is unimaginable.
It’s unacceptable. It’s a future I won’t contemplate and I pour more gel onto my palm, scrubbing harder as I try to clean away the filth I’ve become.
I shouldn’t have done it.
I should have found another way.
A kinder way, something softer. Something nicer.
Fuck, I should have been so different and now I’m going to face the consequences of all I’ve done to Nia. I rest my forehead on the wall and my mind replays every second of the shitshow I’ve inflicted on that girl.
My girl.
My fucking girl.
She’s inescapable and I adore her for it.
Goddess, I never wanted to be tied to anyone but I’d crawl behind her like a chained dog if it made her happy.
Even for a fucking second. I’m undeniably and irrevocably whipped.
I’d endure every torment known to man and any she cares to invent just to breathe the same air she does, to know her gaze and stand in her fucking presence.
I’d do anything to stare at those stunning blue-grey eyes, to have them staring back at me.
I’d give everything to touch her skin, to stroke those long, lean legs, or cup my hand around her gorgeous tits.
Goddess, to have her touch me back, even for a second, even in hate or anger, might break me.
I’ve tasted it for what feels like the briefest moment now, and I’m certain I’ll never have enough.
My hand lowers as my other arm bends, taking my weight as it rests over my head.
I’m leaning into the wall, begging my goddess to grant me another chance.
A chance of redemption. I pray that either of them answers my prayer, certain Nia’s a temple I’ll worship at as surely as the ones we build for the Moon Goddess who controls our fate.
Fuck, I’ve screwed this up.
I’ve screwed her up.
I’ve done unquenchable, immoral, horrific things no mate should ever do to their equal. To their soul mate. And now I’m left washing myself clean, certain I’ll never wash this stain from my soul.
My hand scrubs my lower stomach and I know I want more.
I know I need more. I know it’s inevitable and it’s another sin against the girl suffering downstairs.
I’ve lost count of how many I’ve committed and I can’t control myself, spiraling into a world that’s kinder than this.
That’s warmer, softer, filled only with the good things she deserves.
I close my eyes and pray I’ll be forgiven for this too.
My cock’s hardening, caught between its excitement and need for Nia, and the guilt and shame of using her like this.
I’m a selfish asshole and my hand wraps around my dick, stroking it to ease the pain and soothe my soul for a moment.
I need this, even if I don’t deserve it.
I need her, even if I haven’t earned her.