Chapter 30
SLOW AND SOFT
NIA
My body presses against Luke's legs, but it isn't my body. Lyall's in control and my wolf holds everyone's attention in the palm of her hand. She's loving it too, and now she's showing off, basking in the praise that Luke's heaping on her.
My vision is clouded in shades of black and red. My heart pounds so fast that its beats merge and I gasp, trying to find the air I need to cool. I'm trying to understand what the fuck is happening and failing miserably.
The fog of fighting is lifting, leaving me confused and adrift.
My mind whirls, trying to make sense of the red that sprayed over me as the grey descended and I slipped away.
Lyall pulled me back and I fell, descending into inertia as we moved forward and more crimson sprayed, its vermillion painting the world in vivid hues.
We ignored the tones of red, moving forward and pain set my body on fire and I wanted the burning in my eyes.
The world lit into colors I've barely seen and my senses heightened as Lyall roared and I realized we'd shifted. I screamed and Lyall told me to shut up as we surged forward and more chaos ensured.
Her emotions were feral and they ran rampant. I've never experienced sheer aggression so viscerally, and I wonder if the violence of my mother's death was like this and it's grown less over time, somehow fading as the aftershocks spread out and grew less intense.
“We did what we were meant to, Nia. Protect the pack, no matter what. We protect the pack and there's nothing to fear.”
It's easy for her to say. Lyall's delighted with herself and enjoying her glory, parading herself as she waltzes past her pack and their houses. My wolf is asserting herself and her pack adores her, immediately accepting her and practically falling to their knees.
But I'm not doing well.
Luke reaches for me every so often and I tell him I'm fine.
I'm not.
I'm falling apart.
I'm fucking shaken.
The barrier that holds me back is impenetrable and I'm caged, stuck here and I don't know if I'll ever get free. I can't breathe and the walls are closing in on me. I'm shrinking as the panic takes hold and I scratch at the wall between my wolf and me, praying she'll hear me.
“Stop being dramatic, Nia,” she huffs. “This is what we're meant to be. I'm meant to have my turn and it is my turn. I need this and you need to let me have it.”
“I can't breathe...”
“Of course you can. Stop panicking and let this be. Stop fighting what we are and accept it. Accept me.” Lyall pauses. “We'll be better off if you start trusting me and stopped trying to tell me what to do.”
Lyall breaks into a jog, circling Luke as she wags her tail and urges him to hurry up.
She's keen to meet Lawson and her patience is running out, and no amount of protesting on my part will dissuade her from what she wants.
My wolf is desperate to touch her mate and she's ignoring what I need and want to get what she craves.
“I see you, Nia.”
Luke's voice is a cathedral bell ringing through the storm and I sigh, shrinking away. He won't like this and no Alpha would accept this from their Luna. No Alpha should. I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I'm losing my shit and it'll prove he was right.
Fuck, he might even reject me.
“We're almost there, pretty girl.”
I shudder and push myself away, determined to slink into the shadows. I don't want him in this space, not when I'm this fraught. Or vulnerable. Not when Lyall's running the show and I'm spiraling out of control. Not when there's too much on the line.
My chest tightens and Lyall bounds forward, ignoring my pleas for her to stop. She leaps and jumps around, enjoying her freedom, as she races into the woods behind Luke's house. She slows and I scream at her, praying she's finally seeing sense.
She isn't.
A big black wolf pulls alongside us and my heart skips a beat. Lyall didn't slow for me and Lawson runs alongside his mate, letting her get a glimpse of his ebony fur that ripples as his powerful muscles work.
“I've got you, Nia.”
Luke grabs me and I scream.
I thrash and claw and fight, confused and far too distressed to know what else to do or listen as he tries to soothe me. His hands grip mine and my head tells me this is impossible. It tells me this isn't happening. It tells me I've gone mad.
“You haven't, pretty girl. I'm here and just as real as I am out there. Now stop fighting and lean on me.”
I shake my head and rail harder.
“Nia. Stop. This. Now.”
I release a cry of pain that shatters any silence swarming around us and his grip tightens. I push and he pulls, and we oscillate until he overwhelms me and I sink. I don't know if I'm sinking into him or under him but Luke's here and he's not letting me go.
“You're safe.” I hear his smirk. “Not entirely, not when you're so incredibly hot.”
“Why are you such a cunt?” I sob out.
Luke laughs a little and my fists pound his chest. He's perfectly calm and completely in control, unphased by my reaction. He's taking it all in his stride and it's a complete contrast to how I'm handling this.
I'm still not coping.
I'm still falling apart.
I'm still trying to figure all of this out, both here and now and what passed before. It's a confusing mess, a palette where all the paints bleed into each other. And I sob, letting my tears wash the colors away and cry, watching as my tears carry them down a drain.
“You're doing fine, Nia. Being confused is normal. It's why the Alpha guides the youngsters, it's what I'm here to do.” Luke's hand strokes my back and I shiver, aware it shouldn't be there. “My soul is meeting yours, pretty girl, and it's just as real as when our bodies meet.”
I blink, rapidly. Too rapidly. But my focus comes back and the mist of red-tinged grey begins to lift and I watch Lyall as she plays with Lawson.
He's bounding around, keen to impress and the display he's putting on is impressive.
He's leaping over rocks, showcasing his sleek and powerful frame, and his coat shimmers, catching the light dispersed by Lyall's white fur.
She purrs and her core warms, delighted that he's her mate and thrilled she's making him work for her attention.
Luke seems to wrap around me and it isn't unpleasant at all. “Nia, we're going to work on this. You letting go. It's holding you back and it isn't good for you. Or your wolf.”
I freeze and Luke stays still, presumably waiting for me to do something. But it's too much and I do nothing, hoping he'll move on if I imitate a grey rock.
“That won't work, sweetheart. Not when it's this important. Early shifts can be intense but your fear is disproportionate. It's not healthy. You'll be overcoming it.”
“I'm not afraid,” I lie, hoping he won't see through it.
“Nia, you're petrified. I see you. I feel you. I know you and you're so terrified you don't know what to do.” His hands stroke my back and his hardness is the soft I need. “You're even afraid of your fear and it can't continue. Fuck only knows why you're so terrified but we will deal with this.”
I shrug and Luke's annoyance pushes into me.
“And you're not pulling any of that shit with me. I'm here. I'm not leaving you. But I'm not letting you off this fucking hook.”
My heart races as Lyall cavorts and I don't know which is worse.
My wolf is having the time of her life while I'm being boxed in by Luke.
He's inescapable and immovable, but that means he isn't going anywhere.
It means he means it when he says he's staying and I don't understand it.
Not when it's the opposite of everything he seems to want and not now he's seen just how pathetic I am.
Not when he's an Alpha who shouldn't tolerate such weakness.
A weakness my father berated me for allowing.
“Sweetheart,” Luke whispers, “I'm not your father and he is an appalling Alpha. It's okay to be afraid. It's not alright to let it consume you.” His touch turns soft again and I sigh against him, relaxing as he strokes my back. “Courage is overcoming your fear, Nia. It isn't an absence of it.”
I nod and he stays still, simply stroking me as the tension eases. His head drops as it rests on my shoulder and I sigh, releasing more anxiety as I exhale.
Lyall hums her approval as she brushes her tail across Lawson's snout. She's outrageous and she knows it, ecstatic that she's teasing her mate while she finally runs freely.
“Your wolf’s a flirt,” Luke laughs. “A slut too, like you.”
I groan and watch Lawson brush against Lyall and see the spark light in his eyes when she doesn't pull away.
Lyall's arousal pulses into me as she slows and lets Lawson pull alongside her.
Our wolves have run deep into the forest and Lyall stops abruptly, grinning as Lawson's forced to turn around and walk back to her.
His eyes light with desire and they leave little to the imagination.
“So is yours.”
“Lawson isn't a slut. He's feral.” Luke's eyebrow arches and his hand wanders lower. “He's waited a long time to meet his mate. Lyall's making him wait longer and he won't hold out much more. He wants to breed her.”
I swallow and turn my head away, pressing it against Luke’s chest. I can’t bear to watch our wolves do this dance, certain Lawson’s beginning to lick and nibble my wolf. He’ll push and press until Lyall lets him move backward, and then they’ll really clash until she accepts him.
“They need to bond, Nia. Our wolves need each other and they must mate. We’ve had our time and this is theirs.”
I shake my head and he laughs low.
“We don’t have to watch them, sweetheart.” Luke’s mouth plays over my shoulder and I hum as his teeth scrape the skin that his teeth pierced when he marked me. “There are other ways to entertain ourselves.”