Chapter 45 The Waiting Kills Me
THE WAITING KILLS ME
NIA
I wake screaming, unsure where I am or what’s going on. The darkness surrounding me isn’t as terrifying as the images flashing through my nightmare, but I can’t remember what I dreamt of now I’m awake.
It wasn’t pleasant.
I’m shaking and sweating, shivering even though I’m not cold.
My hands shake, barely functioning at all. I’m panting, even though I haven’t been doing anything other than disturbing the bedsheets. I’m exhausted, and I need some sleep.
Proper sleep, instead of the broken, fragmented snippets that pass for sleep these days.
I’ve endured weeks of this and there’s got to be an end in sight.
At some point, because I can’t go on like this.
I’m too damn tired to think straight and I’m barely even functioning.
I’m running on fumes and even they’re running out.
I stare at my fingers, almost certain they’re not mine. They look too pale to be mine. Too small and too damn claw-like. They’re certainly not human, caught somewhere between my human hands and Lyall’s canine paws.
Goddess, I’m a fucking mess.
My eyes search the room frantically, trying to grab my bearings as I search for reassurance.
I’m struggling to focus and my heart is racing, my stomach still knotting itself as adrenaline pours into me.
It’s hard to focus, and harder to breathe, and my head’s moving too damn fast for me to keep up with it.
Shadows move across the walls and floors, their eerie forms making the darkness even creepier.
They stretch long and thin, distorting into figures that seem to lunge at me, turning every corner of the room into something sinister.
I don’t know where I am. I call for my wolf, screaming at her that she needs to help me but her voice is quiet, a whimper at the back of my mind, just as lost as I am.
I jerk back, my shoulders hitting something solid. Something wooden, and the pain shocks me for a second. It’s a short, sharp burst of reality and it’s enough to make me feel the softness underneath me. The smoothness of the cotton and the comfort of a mattress.
My heart accelerates, certain this isn’t right.
“Nia.”
My name cuts through the noise in my head.
His voice drowns out the crash of the storm waves as they collide and threaten to break me apart. His deep, dark tone drags me back, demanding I return to him, piece by shattered piece.
I flinch as his fingers brush my skin and the familiarity of his scent is overwhelming. There’s too much pine and oak, an overload of petrichor that reminds me of rainfall and dried earth. He’s here and he’s home, and I don’t know if I deserve its sanctuary.
“Just breathe for me, sweetheart.”
I take a stuttered breath and my lungs burn, panic igniting as my chest expands. The air is trapped in the confines of my ribcage and I can’t find my calm or claim the oxygen I need to keep going.
“You’re safe.” His hand slides over mine and flinch again. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
My breath shudders out of me, ragged and desperate.
Luke keeps talking but his words melt together, blending into the drumming pulse crashing through my ears.
I hear its frantic beat and his calm, soothing tone, and the contrast is too much.
It’s too much dissonance and I scream, curling into myself as I try to shut out the chaos.
I feel him move, careful and slow. He’s moving closer, still saying my name, over and over.
He’s anchoring me here, refusing to let me drift back into the shadows.
Luke’s voice is a constant reminder that this isn’t all there is and that there are other days ahead, days that contain better things. Only good things. With him.
“Just reach for me, Nia. Reach for me and I catch you, sweetheart. Always.”
I nod, or try to, but even I know it’s more like a shaky tilt of my head. My vision clears a little and I blink faster, clearing the tears from my eyes as they start streaming down my face. The shadows start retreating from the edges of the room and they’re replaced by something warmer.
Luke moves closer and the faint scent of cedar and night air catches in my throat.
His presence fills the space around me, pushing back the darkness.
His fingers tighten around mine and I stare at my hand, watching as he places my palm over his heart, pressing it there until I feel its steady beat. Until I accept it.
“I’m here, sweetheart.”
I nod.
“And I’m not going anywhere.”
I nod again.
“On your good days and your bad days. I’m always yours, you’re always mine.”
“Stay,” I whisper, my voice barely audible, even to myself. It’s not a demand. It’s a plea.
“I’m not going anywhere, Nia. You’re my mate. My girl.”
Somehow, I believe him.
I sink onto him and sob, letting him take my weight as I cry.
Again. Luke’s the one thing that feels real, that doesn’t twist and warp in the dim light or my dreams. He’s the only thing keeping me from drowning in the nightmares, and as my panic fades away it leaves behind it exhaustion and confusion.
“You had another nightmare, sweetheart,” Luke sighs, his hand stroking my back. “It’s almost morning.”
Just one tonight then. Just one awful nightmare or flashback or whatever the fuck these things are that leave me unable to remember them.
They’re a torture worse than I thought possible and I’d do anything to make this end.
I need to know it will end and the interminable time until that happens is a torment of its own.
The poisons the man who wasn't my father inflicted on me have washed out but the other scars still linger. They might never fade and even if they do, it won’t be quick. Some wounds don’t heal and I’m not na?ve enough to think this will be easy. Or quick.
“Do you want a drink?” Luke asks, reaching for the water glass.
I shake my head.
Luke’s hand stops and the concern is written all over his face.
I don’t need to feel it in our bond to know he’s more than worried.
I’ve heard it in the way he exhales a little too loud and felt the clinginess of his touch.
His silence is heavy, pressured and still, refusing to push for something I’m not ready to give.
“I should have seen it sooner.”
Luke’s jaw tightens, but he stays silent. Instead, his fingers brush against mine, a small reminder that he’s here. That he’s not going anywhere.
“I should have seen it, Luke.”
I hate how small my voice sounds. I hate that it reminds me of how weak my father made me feel. I can’t bear to think about all the time I wasted, the time I lost, and how Lyall and I should have been together, doing something better.
“Nia, you thought he was your father.” He swallows. “Your father. You were just a kid when this started. You couldn’t have known and you’re not to blame for this, sweetheart. None of this is your fault.”
I nod, frantically, praying that he’s right.
“You know I am, pretty girl.”
“Stop doing that,” I sob.
Luke smiles and shakes his head. “Never. Not in a million years, Nia.”
I smile and it’s not a lie. It isn’t fake, and it’s not pretending to be anything it isn’t. It’s real, it’s solid. It’s a promise I’m ready to make to myself.
I need time to heal.
And I swear that I will give myself as much of it as I need. That I will be patient on the days the scars feel too deep and during the nights when the shadows close in. I’m strong enough to choose my path and I will fight my way through and out of this.
There’s still pain, still more than a little uncertainty.
But it isn’t as frightening. It’s not all-consuming.
There’s a warmth spreading through my chest, pushing back the cold that’s lingered there for too long.
I’m still here and Luke’s right next to me, standing with me, giving me just as much support as I need.
“There you are,” Luke whispers, his thumb tracing gentle circles on the back of my hand. “You’re strong, Nia. Trust yourself and trust your wolf, and everything else will happen when it happens.”
Lyall whimpers and it’s stronger than before. My wolf is rousing and she’s finding her feet again. The nightmares hurt Lyall more than me, reminding her of all the pain she endured and the time she was powerless. She was trapped in the dark, unable to protect herself, or me.
“I’m sorry, Lyall,” I whisper.
“For what, Nia?” she whispers back. “This was not your fault.”
Luke’s hand tightens around mine again. “You’re not broken, Nia. Neither is your wolf. You just need time.”
I meet his gaze, and his sapphire blue eyes are filled with the same unwavering belief that’s carried me through these darkest days. Luke’s fighting for a future that’s ours and there’s not a chance he’ll let us lose.
He wasn’t what I wanted but he’s everything I need.
He’s as unwavering as the mountains beyond the forest, and he’ll endure the winds of doubt and despair that threaten to sweep me away.
He’s unyielding and that’s what I need, certain he’ll protect me from the tempest raging inside me and he’ll help me weather any storm.
“Nia, I’m not going anywhere,” he says, turning the light on before he walks across our bedroom.
I sigh, watching his perfect body. Luke is stunning, and I’m never going to tire of staring at him.
His body is toned and his muscles perfect, and the tattoos that mark his skin are even more dazzling now he’s marked.
I wasn’t sure if I was able to mark him, and neither of us knew what would happen.
Now, his skin matches mine, an intertwining of our destinies that feels right.
I trace the intricate lines that dance across his arms and chest, where the new colors replace and highlight the deep indigo that once defined him. Each tattoo tells a story, and the details that adorn them make them even more eye-catching, like stars shimmering against a night sky.
My mark makes his markings more striking. They fit together, and the colors and delicate patterns I've given him suit him. Perfectly,. Luke's body reflects the essence of who he is—an Alpha, a protector, and now, a part of me.
“What are you up to?” I ask.
“Why do you think I’m up to anything?” he replies.
I tilt my head as he heads into the closet. The one that contains my clothes, as well as his.
“We’re not fucking,” I yell. “We need to find something else to do.”
A drawer slams and Luke returns to the room, his arms crossed. He stares at me with a look of thunder, his eyebrow raised as I shake my head.
“Other girls get flowers and jewelry and shit like that, Luke. Why can’t I have something normal?”
“Because you don’t want normal, pretty girl,” he says.
“You don’t want boring. You don’t want meaningless flowers or half-hearted gifts.
You want to be fucked until your legs stop working.
You want someone who’ll share your fantasies.
You want the dark that lives inside of me because it lives inside you. ”
I shake my head. “I want something nice.”
“Catch.”
My eyes widen and I blink, catching sight of the small box he tosses at me. I grab it, catching it before I process what I’m doing, my hands instinctively reaching for it without my brain having to think. I stare down at the little red box in my hands, too shocked to say anything.
“I’ve been saving it for a special occasion, but this feels right, Nia. It’s yours. Only yours.”
My eyes meet his and Luke isn’t calm. He’s more anxious than his cool exterior suggests, worried I won’t like what’s inside. The gift means more to him than words could ever say, a piece of himself laid bare before me, and his vulnerability hanging between us.
“Open it, sweetheart. Before the waiting kills me.”
I bite my lip and pry the box open, staring at the yellow diamond ring it contains. Its square cut is stunning and the white diamonds surrounding the brilliant stone catch the light, their fire making the gold gleam brighter.
“It’s…”
Luke’s eyebrow rises.
I smile and my fingers touch the ring.
“I told you that you don’t want normal, Nia,” Luke says, smiling as he walks over. “It’s yours, pretty girl. Not because it’s expected, but because it’s just like you—unique and brilliant—like the bond we share.”
He takes the ring, sliding it onto my right hand and pressing a long, lingering kiss against my forehead.
“Luke,” I whisper, my voice trembling with emotion. “It’s perfect.”
“You can have one for the other hand. If, and when, you want it.” Luke laughs softly, and his fingers play with mine.
“You belong to me, Nia, and I want all you are. All your dark, all your body, all your soul. You’re a part of me, and you deserve this.
Only good things, pretty girl. Only good things from now on. ”
Lyall howls and I hear Lawson join in, both dancing as their joy ignites and they run wild through our connection.
Our wolves are delighted that we’ve come together, and I sink my weight against Luke again, certain he’ll always be there to catch me.
Lyall bounds around with Lawson, finally content now she’s free with her mate, and I close my eyes, watching our wolves play as if they were under the stars.
“They knew?” I ask.
Luke laughs, softly. “Yeah, they both knew, Nia. Lawson and I have been waiting for the right time to give it to you. Lyall promised to keep our secret.”
I let out a soft sigh of content, my heart swelling as Luke pulls me against him.
He shares my happiness, as he shares my sadness and my pain.
Luke’s mine and the connection we share runs deeper than any bond forged by blood alone.
It’s woven through our souls, binding us together as if we were the stars and moon and the darkness that sits between them.
It isn’t easy but it’s right, and I’m certain Luke and I will endure the days and nights to come.
We’ll make it through whatever lies ahead because he won’t allow us not to, and his harsh, unrelenting darkness is the fierce flame that will burn through the night and guide us through our storms. Luke was almost my end, but now he’s my beginning, and I stare out the window, waiting for the sun to break over the snow-covered mountains, heralding the start of another day.