Chapter 32
The next morning, I’m sitting at breakfast with Raven and Alaric, playing with my food as the words keep ringing in my head. “What’re you doing to me, Anna?” That”s what I heard him say last night.
It’s like a mix of warmth and thrill exploding in me, every time I replay it in my head. And it”s making me want to turn the sound bite into a blanket and cover myself with it, head to toe.
Should I just make peace with the fact? That I’ve fallen for him?
Then again…
There’s something I can’t quite put my finger on, something that, when he said the words, made me snap out of it.
I shift my focus back onto Raven and Alaric, who are discussing what to do after breakfast. It makes a smile tug at my lips, how carefree they look.
I glance around the cafeteria, pausing in the moment to feel the gratitude for the fact that everything seems fine. Except for the fact that my wolf still won’t speak to me, everything’s… ordinary.
And ordinary’s great.
So I guess I’ll just keep training, working on the ritual and keeping my fingers crossed that I never have to use it. Who knows, maybe I’ll even manage to pass all my exams.
It makes the smile slide off my face, when I start noticing people around me stirring. Everyone seems to be whipping out their phones all of a sudden.
My ears prick up, my eyebrows pulling down. I exchange a look with Raven and Alaric.
“What’s going on?” Alaric asks just as I notice more and more people getting up to leave the cafeteria.
This dread creeping up on me, I get out of my chair and rush after them. I sense my friends follow.
We stop in the Entrance Hall, where all the screens hanging above our heads are showing the same footage.
For a second, we just stare at images of people dead in the streets. Lots of different streets. Lots of people. Then someone remembers to switch the sound on and an official female voice booms from the speakers around us, caught in the middle of the sentence. “...and the Authority, who are saying there isn’t a single person left alive in the entire city.”
The woman keeps talking, but the shocked murmurs coming from all around me drown her out.
I spot one of the landmarks on one of the images showing on TV. Wawel Castle? “Warsaw,” I breathe out.
I sense Raven’s eyes on my profile.
“Anna,” I hear Alaric ask in a tense voice, “isn’t that one of the locations?”
“It is,” I reply, still not taking my eyes off the screen. “I guess Lorcan was right. We managed to miss something there.”
Last time, it was thirteen people. This time, it’s close to two million.
And now there are the breathlessness and the ringing in my head, and I feel myself start to move, although where, I’ve no idea.
“Anna…”
“Where are you going?”
I hear them, but it’s like the ringing is making me forget who they even are or where and who I am. I lower myself onto the floor. Then the ringing intensifies, until it stops, and there’s only darkness and silence all around me.
Until I hear the knock.
***
The darkness around me is deep and all-encompassing. I hold my hands out, but there’s nothing around me. Just the sense of stone radiating coldness.
From that cold darkness, shadows tear away and I find myself backing away, trying to scream without any sound coming from my mouth.
I stumble onto something, falling face first but never landing.
There’s a flash of light, just long enough for me to see what I’m about to hit. A sea of dead people, skin sagging and eyes hollow.
My throat tightens. Desperately I try to summon the light, but I just keep falling, waiting to be swallowed by the corpses.
But it’s his nightmares that will get to me first. He knows it. That’s why I always hear his laugh.
***
When I come to, my ears are ringing and my entire body is in pain.
“Should we take you to the hospital?” I hear Alaric ask, his voice drifting to me as if through water.
I shake my head because I don’t want my friends to worry about me, but I can’t help staying silent, my mind buzzing in search of the source of this cold dread that’s flooding me.
Alaric takes me by the upper arm, helps me up and starts frantically searching for something on the web. Swaying a little, I blink at him and Raven, the dread intensifying when I see their awfully pale, downright scared faces.
”I think we should at least go to your room and have you lie down, Anna,” Raven says.
It’s then that I register the eerily still crowd all around us, my eyes following the gazes all the way up to the screens and my blood curdling when I finally remember what it is that happened before I had the vision.
My breath hitches. No, it can’t be right.
“Seems to be true,” I hear Alaric say, looking up to see him lowering his phone with a grave look in his eyes. “I literally can’t find a channel that’s not reporting on it.”
“An entire city,” I whisper, my eyes coming to fix on the polished stone beneath my feet. “Everyone dead. Just like that.”
A violent pang of guilt shoots through me, and I have to force myself not to give in to the temptation to just fall apart right then and there.
Feeling Raven’s delicate hand wrap around my upper arm in consolation, I give it a squeeze, but I don’t say the bit where I conclude it’s my fault. I can’t. There’s no point. England was enough to make me almost break to pieces and give up on everything, and that was a village with a total of thirteen people.
So no, I’m not letting my stupid emotions get the better of me this time, because who knows what kind of breakdown I could experience.
“Khm khm.”
I look up only to find Raven and Alaric staring at me. “Should we call for a meeting?” Alaric asks. “If ever we needed to discuss something…”
The suggestion makes me remember the other night, when I told Serra I’d be taking a break from all this Aurora crap, just after I tried to do the ritual and ended up getting in a fight with my wolf.
“You know what?” I ask. “Would you just let me do one thing first? I’ll text you when I’m done.”
They nod and watch me turn on my heel, heading straight for the Elevator.
Serra warned me. She was gentle about it, but she did warn me. And I let myself dismiss the warning because I was… otherwise preoccupied.
In a haze, I go straight to her office and knock on the door, bracing myself for whatever will come.
With concern in her eyes and a phone book in her hands, she opens the door and lets me into a small, modestly furnished round room dominated by a comfy armchair.
“I’m scheduling a meeting with the rest of the Order,” she tells me as she closes the door and comes to face me.
There’s a moment of silence during which we just look at each other. All of a sudden, I feel a sob coming on, and I realize I’m partly here because I want her to tell me this wasn’t my fault.
“Did I do this?” I grit out. “Did I cause it by saying I’d take a break from all this shit? Did I somehow give him more power by giving up?”
She takes me by the upper arm and squeezes it tight. “No, child. I don’t think it works that way.”
It doesn’t make it any better. But it does make the tiniest bit of the pent-up emotions release in the form of a shuddering sigh.
Until she says, “But you may have brought it about by damaging your connection with your wolf.”
Of course. Of course I’d do something stupid and make tons of people die in the process. I have to wall it all out to stop it from crushing me under its weight.
Gritting my teeth, I say, “Let me know when we’ll be having the meeting.”
I move for the door, more determined about having my first shift than ever before.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
I stop to throw her a look over my shoulder. “To find Bane.”
“Bane?” she echoes, something flashing through her eyes.
I squint at her, all my focus suddenly on her face. “My mentor. Yeah.”
I see her hesitate, shaking her head and making this dread start flooding me. I turn to face her, holding my breath.
“I’m sorry, Anna,” she finally starts, “this might turn out to be a bad idea, but I really can’t keep quiet any longer.”
I walk up to her, staring her down. “Yeah,” I say forcefully, “I’m not into the suspense right now.”
“Jericho Bane… You’re the reason he’s here.”
For a second, I just blink at her. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“You’re the reason the Academy hired him,” she says with hesitation as I keep staring at her in silence. “That is… It was Lorcan, to be honest.”
“No,” I reply with a frown, my breathing turning shallow. “It’s Finn Brennan. Finn Brennan’s the reason.”
She shakes her head. “That was just a rumor Lorcan never dispelled because it suited him. Because he didn’t just hire Bane. He blackmailed him into coming here and becoming your professor. Now, I can’t be sure why, but… Well, I suspect it has something to do with the fact that you never did end up learning how to shift.”
It takes me a second to truly understand what she’s saying. But when I do, it hits me hard and all at once, like a tornado breaking me into a million pieces and leaving only dead silence.
I should’ve known.
I see Serra’s eyes dart to my hands and it’s only then that I realize I’m vibrating with rage, sparks shooting off my fingers.
It’s with a lot of hesitation and definitely a heavy dose of pity that she starts, “Anna—”
“It’s no big deal,” I cut her off, coldly. I force my fingers to obey before I add, “No big deal. People lie, cheat and hurt you all the time. I’m used to it.”
Now, now I’m going to make him suffer. “Now,” I start as it all becomes so clear to me — what I need to do, “I need to speed things up like it’s the end of the world.” I take a step closer to her, noticing something like fear flash through her eyes before I ask, “Is there anything you can do to help me with my wolf?”
“Me?”
“Yes.”
She glances around helplessly. “I could try to use Divine Magic to jumpstart your connection, but—”
“How?” I mercilessly cut her off. “Whatever time I had for fucking around, it’s over now.”
She looks at me for a second, then walks over to a chest of drawers in the far right corner. She takes something out and turns to look at me, lifting a large stone nail for me to inspect.
“I enchanted this for a friend who never needed to use it. It’s moon rock, and normally, it wouldn’t do anything to help you, but I’ve made it so the moon’s energy is magnified tenfold. It should take you straight to your wolf so you can work things out.”
I frown at her. “Why are you only showing this to me now?”
“This much moon energy…” She lowers her voice. “You could die using this, Anna.”
I shake my head. “I don’t care. Just do it.”
“Right now?” she asks with a frown.
“You have something more important to do?” I snap at her.
She hesitates. “I won’t be doing a thing. It’s all you. Just take this in your hand and, once you’re with your wolf, stab yourself in the heart with it.”
The very thought fills me with dread, but then there are the guilt and the rage and the urgency and everything else I’m feeling at the moment.
If I want to save everyone, if I want to stay alive, if I want to get my fucking revenge… It’s not like I have a choice. I take a deep breath and reach for the moon stone.
“Be careful, Anna,” Serra says just before I take it in my hand.
The next thing I know, the world around me disappears and I find myself in a familiar darkness.
***
Tell me, my wolf’s voice booms from behind the bars, how is it that you still have the audacity to come here?
“I need your help,” I say as I take a few steps closer, determination in my voice.
This is not the way to ask for it.
Somehow, I know she’s referring to the moon stone in my hand. I frown. “What do you mean?”
You think forcing a connection is a good idea? she asks.
I have to fight not to lose my cool. “I’m not going to force you,” I tell her in a forceful voice. “I just want your help.”
Alright, Anna,she says, stepping out of the shadows to stare at me. I’ll help.
What the… I breathe a sigh of relief.
On one condition.
“Anything you need,” I rush to say.
Tell me what happened to your last incarnation.
As soon as she says that, these images start flashing before my eyes, but they’re all so vague and at the same time, so powerful, I need to swat them away. “I can’t do that,” I say through gritted teeth. “I don’t remember.”
I only get silence.
“Seriously?” I demand, taking an angry step forward. “That’s what you’re asking of me? The only thing I can’t give you?”
I’m sorry, Anna, she just says, and moves to walk away.
“What kind of bullshit is this?” I yell at her, the rage starting to course through me again. “All I want is to fix things for everyone.”
She stops to throw me a look over her shoulder. That”s what you always say.
This powerful surge of fear burrows deep inside me. “What do you mean?” I ask in a breathless voice.
It”s sad, truly and deeply sad, how much you”re resisting to feel it all. I know it”s terrible, Anna. It”s beyond terrible, in fact, what we”ve had to live through. It”s not an excuse though, because this is the most destructive weakness of them all — to try to do it all yourself just for fear of getting hurt if you let anyone in.
Something inside me snaps. “You forget yourself, wolf,” I grit out.
I’m warning you, Anna.
But I’m already lifting the moon stone, squeezing it tight as I turn my fist inward. “No. It’s not you who has the final word here.” And with that, I stab myself in the heart, feeling my wolf freeze.
***
When I come to, my vision is blurred and my chest is burning. Taking pained breaths, I push myself off the floor, vaguely aware of being back in Serra’s office.
“Easy,” I hear her say, and the volume makes me lift my palms to my ears.
I blink the blur away and see she’s standing right in front of me, looking as she did before I went to visit my wolf. It”s just that now, my senses are sharper than ever.
“Anna?” I see her hand on my upper arm even before she reaches out to squeeze it. “Is everything alright?”
I nod, even though I don’t think it is. While my senses are all heightened to the point of being unbearable, my emotions are all so dull, I’m wondering if I’m feeling anything at all. The combination is making me feel trapped in a slow motion right in the middle of heavy gunfire.
There’s the pain as well. My eyes dart to the blood on my chest where my heart is. It makes me realize her moon stone’s worked. My eyebrows raise, lazily. “What do I do about this?” I ask in a hollow voice.
“Nothing,” Serra says, making me look up in confusion. “As long as you have it inside you, you’ll be good.” She moves for her desk, adding, “Although, I should still treat it for you. Take a seat, please.”
I do as she says and keep watching her rummaging through her desk with my hands limp in my lap.
It makes my throat tighten, when Warsaw crosses my mind.
It only gets tighter when I remember the way my wolf froze.
When it comes back to me, what Serra told me about Bane… It triggers an avalanche of memories in the form of images, smells, words and whole sentences being spoken.
I don’t linger on any of them, until…
“It’s all improv, Novak,” he told me, just last night. “You need to get people to think they’re on the verge of getting what they desire most in this world.”
I let out a scoff, but my teeth are gritting. The anger I’m feeling is helpless — because no, I won’t be getting revenge. But it’s still there, powerful and desperate for me to act.
Right now, when I’m struggling feeling anything at all, it’s strangely soothing.
It snaps me out of it, when I feel a sharp pain on my chest and look down to see Serra dabbing some kind of ointment on it. “I think that’s enough,” I tell her, and I move to get up.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks as she gets out of my way.
“Out of here,” I say as I start for the door. I stop midstep, realizing there are a couple of things that will need clarification. I turn to face her with determination in my eyes. “I don’t want you to say anything to either Lorcan or…” Bitterness floods my mouth. “Bane,” I force myself to say.
Then I pause, thinking. “Actually… Why don’t you let him know he won’t be training me anymore.”
“What reason should I give?”
I blow out a bitter laugh. “Tell him it’s proving not to be a good fit.”
She nods.
“And Serra?” She nudges me to go on. “I want you to take that role on.”
She gives me another nod, but as I turn to walk away again, she says, “The magnitude of this… I think it’s going to happen soon.”
“I’ll be ready,” I say, and I leave her office, headed straight for the gym with the intention to learn to shift. Not two weeks from now. Not tomorrow.
Today.