Chapter 3
When you asked a dating agency to find you a wife, you did not expect the woman helping you to keep shouting at you. But I somehow kept pissing Kim off.
“Jesus, Boone. I honestly don’t know what to do with you. We already ruled out restaurants because you keep cleaning up afterwards. Usually with your tongue—”
“—I know, my tongue should be kept for better things,” I interrupted.
“I’m still speaking,” Kim almost growled. I needed to be careful. She was a wolf shifter, but worse than that she was a tired mother. “I swear I get more sense out of my three babies than I get out of you.”
I kept quiet and let her continue her tirade.
“You were supposed to take Fleur from the charity shop out on a date, not forget she existed and re-launder all the clothes there.”
I wrinkled my nose. “They smelled fusty.”
Kim rubbed her fingers up and down her forehead.
“Anyway, she was too young for me. I realise now that I shouldn’t have lied about my age. That might be where I’m going wrong.”
“You lied about your age…?”
“Did I not mention that? I’m thirty-six.”
She exhaled loudly. “No, you didn’t. Shall we go through your profile again… properly and truthfully?” Kim began banging at the keys on her keyboard while mumbling unintelligible words under her breath. I could hazard a guess at them though.
“You said you could find me a match. ‘No problem’ was what you said,” I reminded her. “I told you Brownies were an acquired taste.”
“Yes, I agree Brownies are an acquired taste,” Kim yelled. Then she dropped her voice. “Especially when they lie on their application.”
There was an awkward silence while she stared at the ceiling. Then she focused her eyes back on me. “The dating agency was advised by our seer that you’re to transfer to Heart to Heart, to the undateables section. I’m going to see if one of them is free because I’m fresh out of ideas.”
My eyes widened. “Are you saying I have no matches?”
“I’m saying I’m not sure I want to subject anyone to a date with you at the moment. Not unless I’m convinced they can tolerate your strange behaviour.”
“Charming.”
“Are you sure you won’t date another faerie? They’d know what your strange habits meant.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “Absolutely not. We need someone fresh to join us. In fact, I think I’d quite like to try a date with a human girl next.”
The colour drained from Kim’s face. “A human?”
“Yes. Then they can become faerie, and I can bring them to the court as my intended.”
“Wow, that sounds like an amazing idea.”
“You think so?” Gosh, she’d come along to my way of thinking pretty quickly.
“OF COURSE NOT,” she yelled again.
“Oh.”
“Boone. You have what to others appears like obsessional tidying tendencies. You don’t like to wear clothes, which thank fuck you seem to have addressed now when walking into the office and around Withernsea in general. When you’re in your natural habitat you’re around three inches tall. Can you think of any problems that might arise in dating a human woman? Anything at all?”
I chewed on my lip. “Erm, they might need wellies? The woods are a bit muddy at the moment.”
“I’ll add that to your profile, shall I? Perfect match must own or buy a pair of wellies.”
I stared at her for a moment. “Ha. This is one of your trick questions. I am getting good at these.” I ran a hand through the shoulder-length blonde hair I sported when looking human. “You know, it is us Fae who are supposed to be full of trickery and tomfoolery, not you shifter folks.”
She smiled. It was menacing, not friendly. “Babes, before I became a wolf, I was a bad ass bitch. Now I’m a bad ass wolf bitch. Good luck to anyone taking me on; ask my husband if you don’t believe me.” Her eyes flashed yellow.
“It’s a shame you are mated. Our kind would have done well with you in our midst. After the fall of Mathilde, we have yet to find a leader of any substance in the Summer Court.”
“Huh, Mathilde. Has anyone heard anything of her lately?”
This was good. I’d distracted Kim from being pissed off with me.
“She was banished to the prisons by the Seelie Court. She brought great shame on us when she kidnapped the Queen of Withernsea.”
“Good. Long may she remain there. So what’s been happening since? I thought her son became the leader of the Withernsea Dell?”
“He did, but he has told our council that he wishes for a new bloodline to take over. They all believe as he is the son of Mathilde, he is untrustworthy. There is to be a contest, but Araethnie, our elder wise woman, says that only when new blood joins will a new fertile path emerge for the future of the dell.”
“And do you believe you might be a contender for ruler?”
“I have no interest in whether or not I rule as leader of the dell, but my species, my bloodline, is dependent on new females joining us. I can do my bit by marrying a non-Fae.”
Kim picked up her phone. “Hi. Are you or Max free to help me with Boone? Ebony suggested he transfer to your department and I’m in agreement.”
“Why don’t you just say you want rid of me to my face?” I huffed.
“I want rid of you,” Kim confirmed. She smirked. “You asked.”
“I guess it’s for the best. You were inadequate at finding me a match.” I smiled back with a face full of sarcasm.
“Stay around and I’ll find one for you. I’ll light up the methane that’s coming out of your mouth, shall I? Listen as Boone goes BOOM.”
“How you can have a loving husband, and yet I am single, must be one of the biggest conundrums of all time,” I mused.
Kim had just stood up—possibly to threaten me with harm—when the door knocked and in walked Max.
“Hey, Boone, I’m Max,” he declared, taking the seat beside me and holding out his hand to shake. “It’s your lucky day as I’m your new designated matchmaker, or should I say Maxmaker?” He gave his shoulders a lift as he preened. “Get it?”
I shook his hand. “Pleased to meet you. I’d like to date a human please.”
He gave me a pointed look. “And I’d like to date Jensen Ackles, but we can’t all get what we want.”
“I really believe it’s what I need. A human match,” I pleaded.
“I’ll tell you what we’re going to do, Boone. I’m going to explore your dating history in depth and then work out how to use the ‘difficulties’ we’ve had with matching you as your core strengths instead. Then I’ll work out who you match with. I won’t rule out a human, but I’m not promising one either.”
“Okay, let’s get on with it,” I said, enthusiastically, shifting my butt ready to rise from my seat.
“I’m afraid I can’t fit you in today,” Max said. “My first free assessment appointment is next Monday at ten.”
“Fine,” I said, inwardly frustrated that it was taking so long to find my perfect woman. So I cleaned a lot? Liked to walk around naked? Some people paid for naked male cleaners at one point, but now it meant you were warned off by the police if you were found naked in a woman’s apartment with a dishcloth covering your genitals. Just because she hadn’t known I was there. That’s what the Fae did, appeared without you knowing. It wasn’t my fault the woman had sensitive ears.
“Is there anything I can do in the meantime, while I wait?” I asked.
“Try not to get banned from further eating establishments or get arrested for streaking maybe?” Kim suggested.
I stood up, feeling annoyed. Was it too much to ask for a woman who would be willing to come to the Fae lands to live forever? To be my wife and birth Fae children? Someone who understood that at night while most people slept, Brownies cleaned, to be rewarded for their work with gifts of milk and food. And of course, I had to stay hidden in the shadows, until invited into the heart of the home where I would be allowed to be naked until the day I died.
* * *
Leaving the office, I was almost knocked over by a woman with long, blonde hair. She smelled human and I took a wild guess that she might also have gone to Withernsea Dating to find love, seeing as all that was back here were the dating agency offices and she clearly wasn’t staff.
“Sorry,” she said to me, stepping back.
“Nothing to apologise for,” I replied. “You couldn’t have known I was about to come out of that room.”
We reached the double doors that led out into the reception area.
“Ladies first.” I gestured with my arm for her to step past me.
Her gorgeous smile greeted me, and she smoothed a hand down her hair as she walked in front.
My glamour obviously looked acceptable to her. Given it made me look six foot two, ripped as all fuck, and with a dazzling smile a Love Island contestant would kill for, I wasn’t surprised.
At the main exit, she held the door open for me.
“Equality and all that,” she stated.
“Why thank you, kind lady,” I replied.
After leaving the agency, I walked off in the opposite direction and headed behind an empty building. Then re-glamouring myself as a non-descript, middle-aged bloke, I kept out of sight and followed her home.
She didn’t notice my pursuit and as she unlocked the door of a small, terraced home about fifteen minutes’ walk from the dating agency, I made a note of the address and vowed to return later to see what I could find out about her.
* * *
When I returned home, my best friend Seeley was waiting, leaning against my tree. His shoulders relaxed as I came into his view. “You’re late. Come on, we need to go to the faerie ring as apparently there is big news to be announced at the court today.”
“I’ll apologise for being tardy if they say anything. There was something I needed to do.”
“And was this something connected with the dating agency?” Seeley probed.
“Kind of. I’ll fill you in later. For now, let’s go and see what this big news is. Probably that Oscar’s balls have been located, found clutched in his mother’s hand.”
Seeley snorted, his green eyes flashing with amusement.
We made our way down the dell. Our home was on the outskirts of the Withernsea wolf pack’s land and was a small area dense with trees. The trees housed our homes. We’d tended to keep to ourselves in the past, only making our presence known in times of Withernsea politics or when the new Queen had been born. Fae were well known for their trickery, and as such, other species were reluctant to have much to do with us.
The sound of excited chatter reached our ears as we approached the faerie ring. As we joined the crowd, Chester, the council leader called everyone to order.
“Attention. I have a decree to read.”
It looked like we’d arrived just in time.
Silence ensued, not because the surrounding Fae behaved, but because Chester had put a silence enchantment on everyone. It had to be done with chattering faeries or no business would ever get done at court.
“Oscar de la Rey has given his official notice. He no longer wishes to be any part of either Withernsea Dell or the Summer Court. Therefore, the council hereby announce that we seek a new ruler of Withernsea Dell. As such, we would ask interested parties to give an ‘I’.”
We all looked around at each other and chatter began as the enchantment was dropped.
“I,” said Dornan Oak, and Seeley looked at me in horror. Dornan had bullied us both relentlessly at school and was a despicable Brownie: one who schemed, thieved, and created chaos.
“He cannot rule,” Seeley almost squeaked.
I knew at that moment I had to put myself forward because my friend already had a wife and five children and no time for ruling the Fae.
“I,” I said, raising my hand.
Dornan looked at me, his expression taut, and his eyes flashing with temper.
“You?” he mocked.
“Dornan Oak,” Chester scolded. “You will treat your fellow contender with respect. Anyone else?” He looked around. “No?”
No one else volunteered.
“Right. The vote will take place in one week’s time here in the faery ring watched by council officers. Just before voting, we will hear a speech by both contenders as to why they feel they deserve the role.” Chester looked from me to Dornan. “I trust both of you are aware of what we are looking for, in order to secure the survival of our dell.”
He meant new incomers.
Which meant I needed to find my ideal woman quicker than ever. So while my appointment with Max at the dating agency was days away, I’d pursue the woman I followed home to see if she might be perfect after all. For me and for the continuation of my kind.