Chapter 4 Astrid
ASTRID
Her arrival was grand, over the top and destructive, as was everything she did. Along with the jungle that preceded her entrance, a few more flowering trees shot up through the marble floor and decimated a priceless Persian rug.
Mother Nature appeared at the top of the thirty-foot pole in a spray of sparkling peach and golden glitter. She slid down the pole with gusto and no talent for pole dancing whatsoever. It was scary to watch. She landed with a thud, hopped right to her feet and took a bow.
I clapped. I was nobody’s fool.
Deep purple and lavender birds floated in the air around her and a shimmering rainbow of every color imaginable framed the stunning woman.
Gigi’s silk and tulle gown was an exact match to the birds circling.
Her flaming red hair hung fashionably loose framing a face so lovely it made Angels weep.
She was a knockout. She knew it and she worked it.
“Astrid, darling,” she purred, strutting over and air kissing both of my cheeks. “So wonderful to see you.”
“Great to see you too, Gigi,” I choked out, hoping to Heaven, Hell and back that she hadn’t overheard the smackdown between me and her son. I had no clue how she could have heard us from Nirvana, but Mother Nature had mysterious and terrifying powers.
“So, umm… did you just… you know… happen to be in the neighborhood?” I asked lamely.
Her expertly plucked brow arched and she sniffed the air. My stomach clenched. This was not a random visit. She crossed her arms over her chest and glanced around. “I smell Satan. Where is he?”
The saying that the truth will set you free sat loud and proud in my frontal lobe.
However, the person who coined that phrase wasn’t dealing with Mother Nature and the Devil.
If I gave up Uncle Fucker, he’d pay me back tenfold.
If I lied to Mother Nature… heck, I didn’t even want to imagine how that scenario would end.
Mother Nature rarely showed up without a reason.
If she was here to chastise us, that was not good.
Her punishments were legendary. Not too long ago, she’d taken both of her sons’ powers away and dropped them in the middle of Indiana with a threat to get along or she’d make the change permanent.
God and Satan had been bickering for centuries and she was sick of it.
Her method was one of madness, but shockingly her end results were usually good.
“Gaia? Is that you?” Connie called out buried beneath a bush covered in monkeys and flowers.
Mother Nature glanced around with shocked delight. “Connie Raven Enid Delacroix!” she squealed. “Is that you?”
Color me confused. Gigi knew Connie Raven Enid Delacroix?
“Yes! I’m pinned under a few monkeys who seem dangerously close to taking a dump.”
“Oh my darling,” Mother Nature cried out, snapping her fingers and sending her beloved poo throwing monkeys back to Nirvana in a blast of glittery magic. “My deepest apologies. Come out, come out wherever you are! We must catch up!”
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix fought her way out of the jungle—pun intended—and revealed herself. “Long time no see!”
“We must remedy that, dear witch,” Mother Nature said with a giggle. “My goodness, you’re a mess, darling.” Gigi fixed that immediately. With a wave of her hand, Connie Raven Enid Delacroix was no longer covered in slime and blood.
It was the first time I’d seen what the woman actually looked like.
She was attractive in a boho, free-spirited, whack-job kind of way.
Connie had long silvery locks and a dimple in each cheek when she smiled.
She looked to be around fifty. Her eyes were bright blue and matched her fingernails and toenails.
Mother Nature dressed her friend as well.
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix was now sporting a matching purple and lavender gown.
It was weird and bizarrely fitting.
“I missed you at poker night last month,” Connie said, shaking her head sorrowfully. “Hilda and Strunk made cupcakes. Just terrible. I desperately missed your apple pie, Gaia.”
Mother Nature screamed with joy. It was ear-piercing and shrill, causing the roaming tigers to literally pass out.
That wasn’t a bad thing since they’d looked kind of hungry.
However, it was now evident that not only was Connie tone-deaf, she clearly didn’t own tastebuds.
Mother Nature had accidentally poisoned too many people to count over the years with her disastrous culinary skills.
The only… and I mean only time I wasn’t pissed off that I couldn’t eat was when I was forced to attend her dinner parties.
Watching God and Satan choke down raw chicken, rock-hard potatoes and fully frozen peas with terrified smiles on their faces still caused the occasional nightmare.
“I shall be present next month!” Mother Nature assured Connie. “Do you have any edible requests?”
Edible was pushing it.
“Chicken, potatoes and peas,” Connie answered. “Delish!”
I gagged, and Satan, still in his hidey-hole, puked.
It was neither of our best or wisest moments.
Mother Nature’s eyes narrowed. I wanted to disappear.
Soooo, Lizard, because he was an excellent person and always ready to take one for the team, immediately put in an order for Hamburger Surprise and a blueberry cheesecake.
Mother Nature was so thrilled that she either ignored her son and her granddaughter’s rudeness or she forgot.
I was betting on ignored. The woman never missed anything. Ever.
“Lizard, you horribly dressed delightful man,” she squealed. “Your wish is my command. Would you care for a vat of eggnog as well? I’m very good with raw eggs!”
“I’d love it,” the Demon lied with a grin on his face that bordered on a wince.
“Done,” she announced then got back to business. “Satan, get your designer clad butt out here now.”
“Or?” he inquired with great caution from behind the tree.
With a trill of gloriously evil laughter, Mother Nature began to glow.
With a wiggle of her pert little nose all of the trees vanished leaving the Devil exposed.
Her next move was vintage Mother Nature.
She snapped her fingers. Rain and ice began to pour from above.
Shockingly, it only soaked Satan. The rest of us were as dry as a bone.
Granted, the foyer looked like a river, but that was par for the course for a visit from Gigi.
“My suit,” Uncle Fucker bellowed, looking down at his ruined Armani. “It was custom.”
“Too bad, so sad,” Mother Nature sang. “If you weren’t being such a turd, I wouldn’t be here. I’m missing my shows. I do not like missing my shows.”
Mother Nature was addicted to the soaps. She got cranky when she missed them. I snickered. That was my first of many mistakes. Gigi then turned on me.
“And you,” she said so calmly I almost fainted. “I’m wildly unimpressed with your behavior.”
I gulped.
She clapped her hands. The sound was sharp and staccato.
The rain and ice subsided as quickly as it had arrived.
The lake in my house stayed. A school of hot pink fish with sharp teeth was swimming in it.
Mother Nature looked around and sighed dramatically at the disaster.
I wanted to point out that she’d created it, but I had a healthy sense of self-preservation.
I was already in trouble and making it worse didn’t sound like a good time.
“Lizard, would you mind helping a Goddess out?” she inquired.
“Not at all,” he replied, dropping to all fours.
“We’ll help too!” Jane grunted as she crawled out from beneath a mossy boulder with Martha on her heels.
“Roger that,” Martha agreed. “With our new knockers, standin’ is fuckin’ hard.”
The two idiots crawled across the floor and settled into what amounted to a living chaise lounge for Mother Nature.
“What on Earth?” Mother Nature asked with an expression of horror. “What happened to you girls?”
Martha was all smiles. “Went to Salem. Lopped off Connie Raven Enid Delacroix’s toe then watched her sew it back on. Gnarly.”
Mother Nature looked confused. She could join the club.
“Yacked for a bit then asked for big tits,” Jane chimed in.
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix took a bow. “It was my pleasure to enhance such famous songbirds! Bouncy boobs are but a small gift to give to ones whose warbling brings me so much joy!”
Gigi took it all in without comment. She was well aware that Martha and Jane sang like drunk cats in heat.
She nodded politely at her witchy buddy and walked over to her bizarre seating arrangement.
The nutty woman sat on their backs as if it was her throne.
Eyeing Satan and me with annoyance, she shook her head.
“I’m at my wit’s end and don’t know what to do about your ridiculous bickering.
It’s giving me a headache and Bill gas. However, to be fair, the gas might have been from my bean, apple, Brussel sprout and chicken casserole.
Do either of you have a suggestion as to what should be done? ”
“About my father’s gastrointestinal issues?” Satan questioned.
Mother Nature electrocuted him. That wasn’t the correct response. She then turned to me for an answer. I couldn’t think of a thing… so that’s what I went with.
“Umm… nothing?” I whispered.
“What she said,” Satan agreed quickly.
We both got electrocuted. I really wanted to crawl back into my bed and start the day over. This one sucked.
“No, no, no,” she replied. “That won’t do at all.”
I racked my brain for an answer that wouldn’t end with me being on fire.
“We could hug it out,” I tried again tentatively.
Satan gagged. I covertly shot him the bird.
“Absolutely not,” he huffed. “Public forms of affection are for pussies like Vampyres. Demons are far too superior for sappy bullshit like that.”