Chapter 4 Astrid #2
Mother Nature stared at us without saying a word.
It was more terrifying than being zapped with a lightning bolt.
Needing to get to a resolution with Uncle Fucker was paramount.
If Gigi set the punishment, I was sure we’d be screwed.
She once took Satan and God’s powers away and stranded them without money or phones in the middle of nowhere because they couldn’t get along. Her wrath was no joke.
I had one goal. Hopefully it was doable. Satan was a dick, but surely, he’d not be dumb enough to pass up the offer of us coming up with our own penalty for bickering and electrocuting each other.
“You have something better?” I demanded.
“Of course, I do. I’m the Devil. I’m brilliant,” he snapped, rolling his eyes so hard I saw the whites. “We could… well… umm…”
He was reaching. The Devil spared a quick glance at his frighteningly calm mother and freaked. Inspiration, or more possibly desperation, hit him like a bolt of his mother’s lightning. His eyes glowed red and he smirked. I had really, really, really a bad feeling.
“Astrid and I could go to the movies and play dead in the front row,” Satan announced grandly, much to the perplexed expressions of the group.
Mother Nature didn’t seem impressed. He continued talking and digging his hole deeper.
“Not immediately. We shall wait for the most adventitious moment.” He had everyone’s attention.
He loved being the center of attention and kept going like a freight train that had careened off the tracks and was headed for the Basement of Hell.
“Of course, it would be terrific if we choked each other to fake-death during the opening scene of the movie—lots of screaming and flailing. Swearing is outstanding as well. I’d highly recommend we choose a romantic comedy on a Saturday evening to do the deed.
More likely to have a full house. The patrons of such garbage would be sure to react wonderfully.
As soon as the paramedics and police arrive, we miraculously come back to life.
We could transport out of the cinema, but I find sprinting away to be more satisfying.
Also, wearing sweatpants and tennis shoes is a good plan.
Oftentimes, blood is shed and I despise ruining designer clothes. ”
The silence was long as we all pondered the bonkers words that had just come from the Devil’s mouth.
It wasn’t even a punishment. It was a fucked-up fever dream of a deranged jackass.
The realization that Uncle Fucker might have just outed himself for being a colossal dumbass was evident when he groaned and let his head fall back to his shoulders.
“Wait. What?” I asked, squinting at him in shocked disbelief. “That was far too detailed, dude. Have you actually done that? I mean, that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.”
“Of course, I have not done that, dingleberry jackhole,” he hissed, obviously lying through his teeth. “However, it’s much better than your pussy Vampyre suggestion of hugging it out. I must say, you give idiots a bad name.”
Forgetting that name calling and bickering were exactly what we were in trouble for, I shot back. My lips moved before my brain kicked in. “Well, Mayor of Stupidtown, if ignorance is bliss, you must be freaking ecstatic.”
Clearly, my uncle had the same ‘speak first think after’ issue as me. “Actually, Butt-trumpet, if zombies ate your brain, they’d starve.”
“Interesting, Duke of Dork,” I ground out. “If you doubled your IQ, it would be zero.”
“Aren’t you adorable, Captain Cringe,” he bellowed. “Kind of like a mongrel dog who sniffs his friends’ asses for entertainment.”
“Fine, Creepy Butt Pilot,” I volleyed back. “I thought about you earlier, it reminded me to take out the trash.”
Satan began to glow dangerously. My fingers were shooting sparks.
We were ready to rumble. Only problem with that was Mother Nature beat us to the explosion.
The zap was loud. The pain was intense. Both Satan and I were now missing our arms. Setting each other on fire was off the table.
Granted, we were already on fire… Our arms were growing back, but the point had been made.
“It’s looking abundantly clear that I’m going to have to set the penalty,” Mother Nature announced with a put upon sigh. “Neither of you appreciate each other and that ends today.”
The Devil tried to raise his hand. That part hadn’t grown back yet. He raised a stump. “I have had a moment to rethink. Hugging it out is mostly acceptable to me,” he said, doing his best not to wince in disgust and failing.
“Too little too late,” Mother Nature replied coolly.
Crap. “How about… umm… giving each other piggy back rides?” I threw the ridiculous suggestion out there in total desperation.
Uncle Fucker tossed me an excellent eye roll, but hopped on the desperation train with me. “We could also sup together in Nirvana,” he said, looking green around the gills. “You could cook for us, Mother.”
The Arbiter of Evil looked like he wanted to cry.
“Boobs McHooters can’t eat,” Martha reminded everyone from her position on the floor. “She’s dead.”
“Right!” Satan slapped himself in the forehead. “My bad.”
He glanced over at me with terror in his eyes. I understood because I felt the same way. I went for it.
“We could have… umm… playdates,” I tried.
“Yes! Playdates,” Satan shouted. “We could play choo-choo and work on potty training.” He was pulling the activities he did with his toddler son out of his ass.
Whatever. I wasn’t doing much better.
“Yes,” I yelled, knowing we were sinking fast if Mother Nature’s blank expression was anything to go by. “And make arts and crafts.”
“And give them to homeless people,” Uncle Fucker bellowed in triumph.
Mother Nature’s perfectly plucked left eyebrow raised slightly. Maybe we were getting somewhere.
“We could go line dancing, umm, with homeless people...” I trailed off as Gigi pressed her temples in exhaustion.
“Enough,” she said. “I’ve had enough of this nonsense.”
I glanced over at Uncle Fucker. He stared back at me. The moment of reckoning had come. We both knew it.
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix decided to join the conversation. That wasn’t a good omen. She’d thought giving Martha and Jane F cups was a good idea.
“Going to the movies without the playing dead part sounds fun,” she said with a wink at Mother Nature.
“Do go on,” Mother Nature told her, leaning forward with great interest.
Connie smiled and nodded. “Gaia, we’ve had such lovely bonding experiences going to the movies over the last century!”
I wanted to interrupt and ask how old Connie Raven Enid Delacroix was, but bit it back. If the human witch was over a hundred-years-old, she looked damned good. However, if she could convince Gigi that going to the movies with Uncle Fucker could serve as our punishment then I’d kiss her butt.
“Oh yes!” Gigi said with a giggle. “I adore popcorn and Milk Duds!”
Connie clapped her hands together. “Do you recall that the very first time you indulged in that glorious combo was on December 16, 1976?”
“Ohhhhhhhhh!” Mother Nature said with glee as I watched the wheels of her devious mind turn. “And they tasted even better on August 6, 2003!”
“But of course,” Connie Raven Enid Delacroix replied with a sly little grin.
Holy Hell. Connie Raven Enid Delacroix might be scarier than Gigi. I wasn’t sure why or how, but I had an unsettling gut feeling. With no clue as to what the two dates had in common, I was lost. Lost with batshit crazy Immortals and a strange witch involved was not a good place to be.
Without any pomp or circumstance, Mother Nature stood up and waved her hands in a circular motion. No lightning bolt accompanied the movement. No fire. No pain. I wasn’t even sure what had happened until I heard Satan scream in a voice so feminine that my stomach cramped and I gasped.
The first clue that everything had gone haywire should have been that I was able to gasp. I was dead. I didn’t breathe. Gasping wasn’t the norm for me. It was, in fact, impossible.
“NO,” Satan screamed in a voice that was so familiar I felt the bile rise in my throat.
The voice didn’t belong to Uncle Fucker. The voice belonged to me. However, I wasn’t talking. He was.
My hyperventilating should have been the second clue, but I was in major denial. However, when Satan shrieked that he had boobs, I knew we were fucked.
Slowly, I looked down. My legs were clad in wet custom Armani.
My feet were much bigger than the ones I’d woken up with only hours earlier.
My shoes were Gucci men’s. I didn’t own any Gucci men’s shoes.
Closing my eyes, I reached up to run my hands through my wild dark, long hair.
There was no long hair. Just a short men’s cut that didn’t belong to me.
And that’s when I joined Uncle Fucker. We screamed in horror, terror, and absolute disbelief. When I forced myself to look at him, a panic attack took over. He was me. And I was him.
Fucked up didn’t even begin to cover it. However, I did briefly notice how hot I was. I hadn’t seen my reflection in over a decade. But the fact I looked like a million bucks didn’t erase the truth that we were in deep doo-doo.
“Are you done?” Mother Nature inquired sounding quite delighted with herself.
I wanted to electrocute my beloved grandmother. I didn’t dare. If she could put me in Satan’s body and him in mine there was no telling what other horrors she could come up with.
Uncle Fucker continued to shriek and howl for another ten minutes. I was too shocked to even speak.
When he finally stopped, the silence in the room was thick. Martha, Jane, and Lizard stared at us in stupefaction. Connie Raven Enid Delacroix’s expression was unreadable. The only one smiling was Mother Nature.
“It’s like a freaky movie!” she sang. “You have one week to get along and appreciate each other. If you fail…”
Her words hung in the air like a floating guillotine.
She giggled. “I trust you won’t fail,” she continued. “The people in this room right now are the only ones who know that your bodies have been switched. That is the way it shall stay. If you tell anyone what’s going on the change will be permanent.”
“Umm…” I said in Satan’s voice. “You’re telling me that I have to trust that Martha and Jane will keep their cake holes shut about this for an entire week?”
Martha piped up. “Actually, the one formerly known as Tits Mcgee makes a fine fuckin’ point. Jane here ain’t too smart. She’s gonna blab first chance she gets.”
“True that,” Jane agreed.
Satan screamed.
“Fine point, well made,” Mother Nature admitted. “That burden should only be on Satan and Astrid.”
She wiggled her fingers and shimmering pink dust formed a small funnel. It danced around the foyer touching Lizard, Jane, Martha and Connie Raven Enid Delacroix.
“Try to tell me what is going on,” she said, pointing at Martha.
Martha got to her feet with effort and swayed back and forth. “What if I say it right? I don’t wanna be responsible for fuckin’ it up.”
It was seriously the wisest thing she’d ever said.
Satan screamed. Again.
“Don’t worry,” Mother Nature assured her. “My spells never fail, but I’m going to test this one just in case. If you are able to correctly state the situation, it will not cause Astrid and Satan to forever be each other.”
My knees buckled in relief and I dropped to the marble floor. Satan hissed that I was going to mess up his pants. I pointed out they were already soaked and ruined. He shut his trap.
“Martha, go ahead,” Mother Nature insisted.
The old bag nodded and tried. “Chicken butts and fries are the new orange!” she announced then threw her head back and cackled. She and her knockers hit the ground with a thud.
“Again,” Mother Nature said.
Martha obliged. “Knock on my door and I’ll plant a blueberry in your sphincter!”
I’d never been so relieved to hear nonsense.
“Jane,” Mother Nature said. “Your turn.”
Jane gave her a thumbs up and went for it. “I ate a fuckin’ knuckle sandwich and pooped a gopher!”
She laughed harder than Martha. I held my breath, which was a weird sensation, and waited for the last two to try.
“Lizard.” GiGi nodded to him.
He cleared his throat and took his gum out of his mouth. Placing it on the end of his ever-present bat, he gave it a shot. “I danced with a chair and got my goat stuck in a water bottle.” His brows shot up in surprise and he grinned. “One more.”
“As you wish,” Mother Nature said.
He choked up on his bat and inhaled deeply. “I had a baby with Bigfoot and gave birth to My Little Pony.” He chuckled. “Well, I’ll be damned.”
“You already are, Demon,” Mother Nature replied with a giggle. He grinned. “Connie Raven Enid Delacroix, it’s your turn.”
The witch slapped her hands on her hips and laughed. “Alrightyroo! I went to the store to buy a mother-in-law and came home with an inflatable barbecue grill and a talking pizza!”
“Wonderful,” Mother Nature announced, preparing to leave.
“NOT WONDERFUL, MOTHER,” Satan bellowed, tossing my hair over his shoulders. “Are there any fucking directions? How in the actual fuck are we supposed to satisfy your certifiable crazy action if we don’t have any goddamned directions?”
It was a good question. The delivery sucked, but he was the Devil, even if he looked like me.
“Taking your brother’s name in vain and dropping multiple f-bombs is not the best way to start,” she snapped. “I’d suggest walking in each other’s shoes for a bit to learn appreciation for the trials and tribulation you both face.”
“Like we have a choice?” he shouted, pointing down at my mostly melted tennis shoes he wore. He’d been the one to melt them, but I understood the point.
“You don’t,” Mother Nature said with a smile. “And that is the point. I’d suggest you get to work on appreciating each other.” She checked her watch. “I have five minutes before General Hospital begins. Good luck.”
In a blast of peach sparkles, Gigi disappeared. Thankfully, the jungle, passed out tigers and the river left with her. The foyer was back to its pristine normal.
Everything else was far from it.